Title: If you can't be…
Author: Loz
E-Mail: loz06@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Category: CJ/Leo and the rest
Series: Quartet: 1. If you can't be… 2. with the one you love…3. then love the one… 4. you're with.
Spoilers: This was written a long time ago, it's basically bits from the campaign thru Season 2. Due to this some things may now be incorrect which is part of the reason I'm finally posting it before it becomes totally obsolete.
Archive (if applicable): The National Library http://westwingstories.com/library
Feedback: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.
Summary: CJ and Leo from campaign to AU really.
Author's Notes: Written many moons ago, maybe something's I've assumed which now may be incorrect.
Disclaimers: If I can't be the owner of The West Wing, I'll just have to love the fanfic I write.
*
"I'm out" The Governor said slapping down his hand of cards. It's just as well CJ thinks; he had a handful of nothing.
It's another motel in another mainland state, in another American town, CJ has to think to remember where they actually are. The past two weeks have been a mirriad of ups and downs, disasters, near misses and victories. CJ can't remember where she slept last night and nor does she consciously realise where she will be tomorrow. All this information is printed in her folio in her room however; it's just so insignificant in the scheme of the things she's been doing for the past two weeks. She's been running on some super reserve energy source her body has been harbouring somewhere all these years, lying in wait for an opportunity like this to come along, a cup of coffee in the morning has her engines running high and her bemused co-workers telling her she's bouncing off the walls.
For the first time she feels alive and she feels like she's doing something that matters, that's important. It's second of her one hundred most powerful emotions, behind love.
CJ notices the Governor wince, his back probably pinching from sitting in a poor chair for so long.
"Goodnight." She calls as he shuffles out of the motels modest conference room. He waves a hand behind him; to twist would be murderous pain.
She turns her attention back to Toby who chews randomly on the unlit end of his cigar, which continues to smolder.
CJ loathes the smell.
Leo remains only partly dishelved, despite the most hectic of days so far. There's nothing that can be read from his face, making him one of the best poker players on the team.
And good at masking other things as well.
Some of those are the same things she masks as well, though frequently not as well.
And there's nothing that can stop her mind from running.
Running to that night about a week after she came on board the campaign, in a tackily decorated, dimly lit, green carpet hallway somewhere he had wrapped one arm around her then two, kissing her as if she were more precious to him than his very life himself. She'd kissed him back, no qualms.
She'd had too much to drink, that was her excuse, but he was perfectly sober and had initiated after watching her from a distance all night.
As he gently and wordlessly lead her into his room the thought barely criss-crossed her mind that he didn't belong to her, he belonged to another. Her mind raced with the fact she'd never felt quite like this before anytime and her difficulty to comprehend meant that her description powers were lost.
The desire that flooded his eyes sashayed excitement, electricity and goosepimples through her in one charging current. It soon revealed itself as shocking as he let her go and regretfully told her he couldn't do this, despite wanting to so much. However reluctantly she admired and respected his morals. He was stronger than she, who would have let it continue undeterred.
She remained relatively unscaved for someone who was playing with fire and with an institution she had never experienced...marriage.
~*~
Since that night they had existed in two worlds.
In the confines of each other's office the atmosphere was oppressive with desire, communication was tainted with light touches, long silences, longing stares and glances and standing in close proximity. Work had become a convenient excuse to not talk about that night, despite their actions speaking to the contrary.
Outside the office they spoke only when required, in short overly polite tones, each feared their office actions, which bubbled close to the surface, would spill over for everyone to be exposed to. They weren't so naieve as to think that their professional decorum had changed, CJ considered people to be lying to themselves if they slept with a colleague and then decided things could go back to normal, feelings weren't a switch to be turned on and off when it suited. She'd only kissed him.
There had been countless nights of romantic and lusty dreams when she woke reaching for him, only to find a rubbery hotel pillow and starch stiff sheets. For hours afterward she would lie on her back starring at the ceiling telling herself to take a reality check only to fall asleep and dream again. Her nights were a vicious cycle of the fantasies that she didn't let mind wander to of a day time. The night was the ultimate betrayal.
~*~
"Hold these I've got to pee." Toby said giving her his hand of cards. She watched the cigar rest precariously on the ash try, continuing to leave a thin trail of smoke. When Toby disappeared behind the door with the little man in the top hat on it she picked up her drink and took another mouthful.
The sound of the ice gently chinking was sufficient to fill the room.
"Has it reached a point where we can't talk to each other?" She put her glass down and looked across the table at him.
"What's he got in his hand?" Leo asks nonchalantly.
"He's bluffing." She doesn't miss a beat or look at the cards.
He simply nods in reply.
"I didn't mean..."
"What do you want me to say CJ, that I've totally and utterly wanted to be with you for every moment since I met you, that I can't comprehend what you do to me when you're in a room, that I might be so totally and utterly slit-my-own-throat in love with you that I can't believe the fact that I'm married and you're not older, that we didn't meet before now and most of all I can't be with you. Or perhaps that I haven't felt this way in such a long time and it's scaring the hell out of me."
Alarm bells sound somewhere as CJ realises his description fits the way she feels as well, she's thankful for that something, somewhere that kickstarts her breathing again as his outburst left her breathless. They haven't spoken this openly before, she still hasn't. Feelings were left to lie broiling under the surface, in such a complicated recipe their inclusion is usually disaster, however there was never any doubt they way they felt about each other, that was obvious.
"If it's the truth." She manages meekly.
"He's going to ask you to go back to his room tonight." Leo scrutinizes the cigar as if it's drifting smoke were a signal as to what his next move should be.
"How do you know that?" CJ looks over to the male toilet door, still closed and she entertains the idea of being with Toby.
"I've seen the way he looks at you. You missed it because you're too busy looking at me." She shifts her focus back to Leo, there's no underlying anger in his tone to suggest she's being too obvious, it's just a simple statement of fact.
The door flings open and she calls to Toby to do up his fly.
"Don't turn him down CJ, use him to forget about me."
"I'm not sure Toby is anymore available that you." She states
"So use him on multiple times, just don't use the word relationship."
"Are you going back to Jenny to forget me?" She doesn't get the opportunity to hear an answer from him as Toby ambles back into his chair.
~*~
The conversation they had had the next morning in her office after kissing him in the hallway plays over and over in her head and remains as clear as something that had occurred five minutes ago.
Each word plunged a knife through her heart, twisting and turning till it was finally retracted with her heart, because she wouldn't be needing it anymore.
He told her of a stale marriage that he wasn't about to exit from, not even for her. Her rationality translated this to the fact she wasn't *that* important to him.
Divorce on the campaign trail didn't look good; divorce in the White House looked bad. If Jenny initiated then...
Realistically it would look even worse if it came out he had been with her while still married. Who knew the dynamics, Jenny could take him to the cleaners.
Her better angels told her he was being perfectly reasonable, rational and self-less, doing the best thing for the Governors' chances.
Her better angels were not popular with her at that moment in time.
Reality might sting but she could take heart in the fact that he liked the situation as little as she did.
~*~
"I do believe I kicked your ass again Ziegler." Leo eloquently laid out his winning hand.
With a despondent exhale of cigar smoke Toby admits defeat.
She watches Leo gather his winnings and bid them goodnight. He holds her gaze for a fraction to long, a look of disappointment he can't be with her, separated by morals, which might as well be the oceans of the world. She foolishly and dangerously wishes it was her not the money he was taking up to his room.
Again at the door she captures his eyes with hers before closing the door behind him. They're glazed with agony; he knows what will happen between him leaving the room and the morning with Toby. The dull ache reminds him of how much he wants it to, and should be him. The crossroads of choices, one posted to Jenny the other posted to CJ, both a fraught with obstacles.
He shuts the door behind him, choosing the road to Jenny. Jenny who won't be waiting for him when he gets to his room. He put his roadblocks up to CJ earlier when he told her to take up Toby on his offer.
~*~
Moments after the elevator opens on Leo's floor, CJ finds herself making the same trip up, on the receiving end of scotch and cigar kisses from Toby.
In the dull light she pushes away his taste, ignores the constant scratching of his beard and his demanding tongue, but it's too hard to ignore the fact that this will just be meaningless sex. It's not as though she hasn't had meaningless sex before which at the right time she considers almost fulfilling, a strange dichotomy, this time is different however and there's never been someone she would rather be with. Down the hall from her is the man she'd make love to until all they were capable of was holding each other till dawn, the one she wants to be with.
"You want to come in?" His voice is deeper somehow, perhaps the alcohol and increased confidence which might explain his expectant tone.
"I don't have anyone to go home to." She hopes for a second that he's not offended by her comment; her motives are already selfish, characteristic of this type of encounter and less than honourable.
With new determination she throws herself into Toby with them still outside his door. In an attempt to block out Leo from her system she drives her tongue into his mouth, pulling at clothing without knowing what it is or how it can be extracted from his body.
"No wait!" CJ remembers Leo's room is right next to Toby's. If it weren't for his urging she probably wouldn't be here but that doesn't mean she wants him to have to listen to a banging headboard and muffled cries of passion.
"Let's go to my room." She stops his hand from sliding the card.
~*~
Less than two minutes later she's naked in his bed and in fifteen it's all over. In the dark, drowned in his alcohol induced snoring CJ stares at the ceiling tears trailing her temples, splashing and soaking into the pillowcase.
She never regretted sex before, not even bad sex; it's just a waste.
Tonight has served no purpose for her all tonight, except to remind her how much she wants to be with Leo. What she wouldn't give for a short romantic dream right now.
She cries because she knows he heard every thrust and moan, every bang of the bed and another man calling her name in heated passion at the moment of climax.
She can't bear to think what he's thinking. Her only thought is the sickly feeling she is experiencing is one of guilt, cheating guilt. She has an incredible urge to walk through the connecting door to his room, curl up in bed next to him and beg for forgiveness.
So she spent the whole time building a brick wall, devoiding herself of pleasure from Toby, shielding herself from the heavy handed way he enjoyed sex and faking a climax. Remaining empty and shut to him, as if one ounce of pleasure gained from the encounter is the ultimate betrayal to Leo.
Tonight hasn't served its purpose because she hasn't let it and with four dark walls as her witness she vows never to do it again, with Toby or anyone.
~*~
The morning presents itself as the most hideous of hangovers and it has nothing to do with the alcohol she drank last night. It's everything about the person who has in the course of the early hours of the morning wrapped themselves around her and she rearranges the bottom sheet while considering how to extract herself from 'this' as cleanly as possible. Political correctness aside she decides to simply get up and go.
Recovering scatter pieces of clothing and pulling them hastily on, she watches Toby gather a lone pillow into his arms in replacement of her. CJ has lost count of the number of times she's done that very thing herself.
Unable to find where her bra was tossed the previous night CJ starts searching the room having only pulled on her panties. It's too expensive to leave behind, more than she'd usually spend on a garment that in this part of her life never got a full viewing, till last night, other than this there's the obvious 'leaving behind evidence' and potential embarrassment for Toby is he or anyone else eventually stumbled across it.
A knock on the door sends her into spin, scrambling around the room acting like someone who shouldn't be there, in a way she shouldn't be and this only fuels her mad duck out of sight of the room despite there being no chance of anyone seeing her. To her horror the connecting door to Leo's room opens as he calls to Toby is he up yet, they should discuss...
The sentence is never finished, cut short by a function ability change from voice to sight as CJ stands making no attempt to cover herself, mortified at his presence in the room, bad enough the thin nature of the hotel walls.
"I'm sorry I thought..." He reminds himself he's staring at her bare chest and beats a hasty retreat through the door he entered the room by.
CJ dresses, buttons done out of place, panties not sitting right and pants sitting to high on her hips, and gets out of the room.
The bra would have to wait, but it would be collected, less it forever is a reminder of the previous night. Incriminating evidence, which really means nothing considering his presence just then.
~*~
Late afternoon as they arrive back at campaign headquarters, Carol delivers her an inter-office package after only being back by about a half hour, inside CJ finds her missing bra and silently thanks Toby for his discretion.
In an effort to avoid further contact with him she stays late in her modest office. There's no tact and diplomacy left in her and she's certain if approached to spend another night with him her manner would be less than polite. Besides that right now she doesn't want anyone else to have to deal with not being able to have what they want.
She thinks about the balance of life in the darkened room, how she could hit her stride with this opportunity of a lifetime, but her personal circumstances be in a bigger mess than ever before. If one thing is supposed to cancel out the other no such thing occurring here, political winnings bring her personal joy, but the presence of someone on the horizon that she would share them with leaves an element of dissatisfaction. It never used to be that way. A work victory bought personal satisfaction and that was enough...then she met Leo McGarry and the horizon showed thunderstorms ahead.
Certain the coast is clear CJ starts to pack up for the evening, but there's someone left in the building, who's been using a similar tactic to her.
"Hi." The voice spins her around; he looks incredibly tired, like he's just gone ten strategizing rounds with Toby or Josh while listening to Bartlet's complaints. It occurs to her as the man in the top job he's everyone's outlet for problems and complaints, their problems become his, and he himself has no outlet. The things he would speak of most likely can't be heard outside his office walls anyway.
"Hi." CJ goes back to packing, gathering thoughts, she hadn't planned to speak to him again so soon and she isn't sure yet for what reasons she's mad at him about this morning. He sits in the chair opposite her desk indicating this is probably going to be a larger conversation than she'd anticipated.
"I'm sorry about this morning." Ahh there it is, and she's thrust into having to make a split second choice. She looks across at him, forgetting about the rest of the things she's going to pack. She allows her eyes to betray her true feelings a strange combination of desire, sadness and confusion. Like they have so many times before they hold each other's gaze, communicating what a thousand words cannot say as she moves to lean against her desk on his side.
"What were you thinking, we're you trying to punish yourself or something?" She can't resist linking fingers, stroking her thumb across his knuckles. It's inappropriate but he doesn't stop her.
"I guess I thought if I could see you two together then I could... I don't know switch off, forget..." He's wise enough to know it never works like that. "Prove to myself I couldn't have you not only because of my marital status, but because you were with someone else."
"It was a bad idea Leo, as far as ideas go." She smiles because so far on the campaign they've made all the right ones, until now. "I felt like..." She throws back to disguise breaking tears and will them away. She feels him stand in front of her and gives her the support to go on. "Like I was cheating on you." She smiles again at her own perceived stupidity. He takes her into his arms in a strictly friendship hug and she can't help but sob.
"I'm sorry, I should never have told you to go to him." He rubs her back soothingly, encouraging her to stop crying.
He feels so comfortable, so right, as if they were two halves carved from the same stone. They mould together, he is safe and warm and familiar. Testing the waters she moves her arms from over his shoulders, up and under his suit jacket, nestling her head on the nape of his neck.
"We can't CJ." He sighs extracting himself from her.
"I'm in love with you." She blurts out from nowhere as he turns back to look at her in the open doorway.
"I know." The statement doesn't come as a surprise to him. It did to her, but with feelings this strong it shouldn't be such a shock. "I'm in love with you too."
The door clicks behind him and CJ crumbles.
In her position on the floor propped up against the desk she sobs till she's asleep across the carpet. She's never experienced heartache like this before.
~*~
Carol picks up the pieces in the morning with fresh clothes, coffee and directions to the shower. She can't fix internal matters of the heart however. As the hot water belts down on her CJ knows she suspects something and she's grateful for her assistants discretion and her tact in not saying anything. When CJ turns off the water she feels ready to mask her feelings and face another day.
Each night however she sits in the hotel bar and drinks, drinks till they tell her they're closing or till someone has to help her upstairs and into her room. The night is her acknowledgment of pain and each day she gets up, pushes aside her hangover and works harder than the rest of them.
She won't meet with Leo alone, only somewhere in the building where they can be seen or she asks someone else to come in on the meeting to offer their opinion. And she won't let herself think of him, total block out.
About a week before they're about to go on the road again, the bartender makes a snide comment about her drowning her sorrows each night and CJ lashes back with a bitter remark about not being able to be with the one you love.
"Love the one you're with." He shrugs tired of hauling her ass up to her room each night. "For fifteen years." He says stacking glasses off tables behind her.
Before he gets started on his story of how he missed his chance with his kindergarten sweetheart CJ asks him to call Toby's room to come and get her.
~*~
CJ is surprisingly coherent for someone who has drunk as much as she has night
after night and she thanks Toby as they ride in silence up to their floor.
She coolly recognizes the feeling of his eyes on her, checking her out during the entire ride and she wonders if she's drunk enough this time to do it with him again.
He doesn't taste like cigars as they stumble towards her bed, or alcohol though she must. He's more flexible and less demanding without alcohol in his system, as if it gives him some supreme sense of importance and authority. His beard isn't as irritating, nor his tongue as insistent and she allows pleasure from his touch and screams loudly at climax, boosting his ego and not caring if the whole floor was now awake.
In the morning she wraps herself around him and doesn't get out of the bed till he's awake and she's said good morning.
Despite this Leo is never far from her thoughts. It goes without saying she'll never love Toby but too much alcohol has told her if she's lucky she might be an old woman by the time Leo comes to her and she thinks she owes herself as much as this thing with Toby.
~*~
Someone cranks up the music in the Governors' suite the night of their Illinois Primary victory. Across the room CJ watches Leo congratulate Josh and Sam as she takes another mouthful of the cheap wine someone has supplied.
He pats Toby on the back, but she knows he's really only looking for her.
He spots her as she refills her glass wishing tonight could be about a finalized divorce as well.
"Congratulations." He beams squeezing her free hand. CJ notes that for the first time in weeks the stress that has been plaguing his features has been erased, even if it's just for this one night.
"Congratulations." She smiles back, putting down the full glass. He reaches up to her, confused she thinks he's about to kiss her, instead his lips bypass hers, sweeping across her cheek.
A twinge disappointed, though anymore would have been inappropriate, CJ smiles thinking screw inappropriate. She looks away at Sam messing with the music and Josh jumping round like a child whose had too much red drink.
There's nothing she would rather do right now than kiss him properly and tell the truth to the whole room, but it's not possible.
A gentle hand brings her gaze back to his; above the music she can't hear what he says to her so she leans in, lending him an ear.
"I love you, spend the night with me." She makes out above the noise and for a moment she believes it's just wishful hearing or something, a cruel joke, or perhaps it's really Toby standing in front of her. Leo searches her shocked expression for a positive or negative reaction and failing this he raises his voice telling her he'll come find her later.
CJ puts down her glass and escapes to the solitude of her room.
~*~
In the darkness of her room she paces the small space in front of her bed replaying his request over in her head and knowing she won't be able to hideout here for long, he'll track her down eventually.
It's an incredibly generous and risky offer and one she has yearned for almost since she met him. But now the stakes have risen and it's not as an attractive offer as it seems. When she hears a light knock on the door she acknowledges it's crunch time and she's made the best decision for both of them.
Casually she steps out of her room and looks up and down the corridor before letting him in CJ steps no further into the room than the miniature lobby less she loose control and her decision is lost. His smile droops to a questioning expression of confusion as CJ starts to say what she wants, reminding herself to stay strong.
"I'm sorry Leo, my answer is no." She searches his face for an immediate reaction but it remains looking lost and out of the loop.
"Ok, I don't understand but." He studies her face and in all fairness she goes on.
"It's just that...well I don't feel that..." Her resolve is crumbling and she tells herself in her head to shape up and stand up for what she wants, a crumbling emotional mess will only diminish the weight of her message.
"You don't love me anymore." He finishes her sentence in an emotion ladened rasp.
"No, God no." It couldn't be further from the truth and the last thing she wishes he suspects. "It's for that very reason that I'm saying no." She takes his hand squeezing it and trying to draw strength.
"I'm in love with you CJ and I hate this situation we're in and..." She silences him with a raised finger and a shake of her head.
"A month or more ago I would have taken your offer up, I would have jumped you right then and there, it's different now."
"How?"
"I love you Leo and I can't settle for one night in a motel room, I don't want to be the other woman in the equation, I don't want to settle for second best, I won't settle for any less than all of you."
He nods respectively, from her perspective it's a hell of a decision but she deserves all of him all the time, without the sneaking, without the lying and the cheating.
"I'm going to start seeing Toby more regularly." He looks up at her in surprise, coupled with a twinge of jealousy.
"You don't have to use deflection anymore, I won't pursue you."
"I know." She smiles over at him. "But I'm lonely Leo."
"So it's all or nothing." He confirms as if there were an outside chance she might change her mind.
"Yeah." CJ replies sadly.
"Ok." He says taking a deep breath and straightening as if he likes her decision.
"I can't wait to work for you in the White House, boss." She ribs in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood.
"Your going to be one hell of a Press Secretary, I've known that since before I met you." He grins back cheekily. "You're a hell of a woman." The smile fades with the connection he can't be with this wonderful person.
"Thanks."
"Well goodnight." She says opening the door a fraction, and stops suddenly as he makes a mad dash to her lips, she deflects from his attempt to kiss her, hanging her head before lifting it again. "Please don't make this harder than it is."
"I'm sorry." He mumbles as a closes the door behind him.
CJ slides her way down the back of the door, bringing her knees to shoulder height. She doesn't cry, instead she's numb. She just made the best possible decision for both of them, now and into the future, personally and professional but she can't figure out why it has to hurt so much.
~*~