Maiden Experiment

Maiden Universe Story #14

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I am the master of the Maiden Universe; and I do not own Excel Saga

Acknowledged, Miz-K

At the Maidens for Hire Compound in Kyoto, a woman in violet hair and a blue business suit got a delivery from an unknown person. We know who it is. She got the delivery order on the internet, as she alerted the people in the repair bay.

"We got a custom order for a Maiden for Hire," she said, "Kenji, Heiji, will you do the honors?"

"Certainly, Ms. West," they said, as she gave them the instructions.

The girl was Hanako West, the daughter of Takana West, Koyomi Mizuhara's assistant. She was received the job, when Maidens for Hire started the Kyoto Branch. Her partners, Kenji Kazuya, a repairman with black hair, and Heiji Shaitori, a supervisor with auburn spiky hair and a goatee, were hired just this week. They were both wearing their black and gold jumpsuits. They were kind of the spitting images of Watanabe and Iwata. But they're not.

Kenji said, "We got a custom order, all set."

Heiji smiled and said, "Mmm… blue hair, pale skin, and a hot body. I think we know who this one will be."

Kenji asked, "Hey, I was wondering… Since this says a gift from, uh, Il Palazzo?"

Heiji griped, "Who the hell is Palazzo?"

Meanwhile, at ACROSS, which was three weeks later…

"HAIL, IL PALAZZO!" Excel cheered.

"…Zzo." Hyatt said in a quiet voice.

Lord Il Palazzo addressed to his agents, "Excel, Hyatt, as you know, we are one step closer to achieving conquest on the planet; which is why I am giving you a special gift to both of you."

He addressed to Excel, a girl with long dirty blonde (or orange) hair and a cyan jacket with shoulder pads and skirt, "Agent Excel, perhaps maybe we need to study on automation, which had been the backbone to this city and its corrupt state. So, Agent Excel, you shall receive one of Japan's newest items in the world of domestic distributes."

Excel was cheering like crazy, "AH! You're so right! Your Excel is so amazed by the product of machinery! Excel will accept your gift of value and loyal respect! Excel blindly gives out your love, Lord Il Palazzo!"

She then thought, "UH… Lord Il Palazzo, what did you give Excel?"

"Simple," he said, "I am giving you a Maiden for Hire. I decided to get you one, just so we can test it out onto your home. Don't worry, I already paid the 2,500 Yen it pays (Don't even ask how I got the money)."

Excel was confused, "Uh, what's a Maiden for Hire?"

Il Palazzo said, "Why, it's a robot maid service. I get to pay for a rental Maiden that cooks and cleans and everything it desires. You, Agent Excel, will study the Maiden and give out more Intel on this wondrous product, in the hopes of learning more in our upcoming conquest."

Excel started to froze in fear, realizing that it might repeat itself. She still remembered Ropponmatsu 2, the android that she got from a delivery and died (Actually, she blew up).

"AHH! PLEASE! NO MORE ROBOTS!" She shrieked, "Excel has a bad day with robots before, but nothing like this! I cannot do it! I can't! I can't! I can't! Okay, Excel shall accept your Maiden for Hire!"

Il Palazzo was about to pull the rope, when Excel added, "Wait! That can't be right! Excel and Hatchan have no money and food! Excel can't pay 2,000 Yen a month! And Excel is already behind on the rent in our home."

"NO worries," he smiled, "I'll pay for your Maiden services, every month, in the event that the Maiden has more interesting traits. As for food, this is Agent Hyatt's reward. She will be staying here in ACROSS, while she delivers you a CARE package of food that will last you a month, for every two weeks. Try not to eat it all, until then. The rent in your home… Not my problem."

Hyatt then said, "Seems that Senior Excel is still traumatized over the moment from before."

"I see…"

He addressed to Excel, "Agent Excel, perhaps you need to tone down and stay at home. We will be in need your services, whenever a mission is on the way. If what you experienced in the past was disturbing, then I have no problem with it. But under strict orders, you must observe and examine the Maiden for Hire we have sent you. Is that clear?"

"Excel is deeply grateful! A Maiden for me, a month's supply of food, and a moment of peace; not to mention, SAVINGS GALORE! Excel is happy for your Lord Il Palazzo! But on one condition…"

"And that is?"

"Excel refuses to be loved by a robot! I just cannot go through this again! Excel just can't!"

She bowed on her knees and sobbed, "I beg of you! No Pleasure Mode, No Shoujo-Ai, and NO LOVE MAKING! NO MORE PETALS FALLING! Excel cannot handle the levels of romance with mechanical humans!"

Hyatt waved to Il Palazzo, "You better do it…"

He held the rope and said, "Perhaps you needed to calm down. I'll help you."

He pulled the rope and Excel plummeted into a trapdoor.

"THANKS! I NEEDED THAT!" She yelled, as she was falling.

SPLASH!

Hyatt then asked, "Uh, Lord Il Palazzo, what kind of Maiden did you get?"

"I had it custom-made from Kyoto," he smiled, "Agent Excel will be happy for one. She'll be getting one, any minute now. You will tell her, the minute she comes back up."

Hyatt thought, "Oh…"

"Of course, if she's so upset over that Ropponmatsu, or as she told me, I wonder how the Maiden's Pleasure Mode will affect Excel."

"Poor Senior… I hope she won't get herself killed. But is a Maiden for Hire safe?"

"It is. But we are not so sure… If we learn something from electronics, some machines tend to break."

XXXXX

At home, Excel was waiting for her Maiden to arrive.

"Hello, Excel here." She spoke in a fast manner, "Day one of Maiden for Hire for Excel Excel. As you see, Excel is waiting, because she's waiting for her Maiden to arrive. Current, Hatchan arrived with the food, as promised, but I cannot eat it, since most of the food is raw, and probably dirtied from Hatchan's death rattles. As Excel thinks, what will her Maiden look like?"

She then remembered the final words from Ropponmatsu 2:

(Excel): ROPPONMATSU! GIVE BACK MY EMERGENCY FOOD SUPPLY!

(Glass cracks)

(RP2): I can't believe those are the last words I wanted to hear! Big sister is so mean!

(Explosion)

"WAHH! Excel cannot have a repeat performance!" She cried, as Menchi was scared stiff of her panicked form, "Whoever this Maid for Hire, or whatever, is, she better treat Excel right! Oh, Lord Il Palazzo, your Excel is in fear over this! PLEASE! For the love of you, Lord Il Palazzo, your Excel is very scared stiff! Please don't let your most trusted ACROSS agent fall to her pool of her own pity and terror!"

At next door, Watanabe slammed on the wall and shouted, "KEEP IT DOWN! Some of us are trying to eat… Or at least, what I got left!"

Did she just say Maiden for Hire? Sumiyoshi asked.

Please note: Sumiyoshi says nothing, but we'd like to state his words in Italics.

Iwata cried, "NO WAY! The girl from next door is getting the new Maidens for Hire?"

Watanabe shouted, "Like hell she does. She must've got it as a gift!"

Iwata smirked, "What about your girlfriend? She lives in that house."

She must have fun, too. Sumiyoshi said.

Watanabe cringed, "You mean the Maiden could be for Miss Ayasugi?"

It's possible.

"He's right. Quit worrying!" Iwata chuckled, "Besides, I'd like a Maiden for Hire, one day."

Watanabe groaned, "We're better off with those other two."

Iwata rebutted, "THEY DON'T COUNT! I don't care how hot they are, the Maidens for Hire are the sexiest thang alive!"

Don't forget the Butlers for Hire.

"For real?"

XXXXX

And after waiting all night, Excel resorted to eating two apples, a banana, and a piece of meat… all raw. Just then, the doorbell rang. She jumped up and opened the door. She found a huge crate with a paper that says "To: Excel from F City – F Prefecture; from: the Maidens for Hire Company in Kyoto".

"Excel is curious," she said, "Kyoto has some great items."

She then thought, "We have had hurricanes, earthquakes, and even UFO attacks, but we never thought we'd resort to domestic technology."

Excel opened the crate and saw a Maiden, dressed in an all white maid uniform. She had the exact details of Hyatt, from her blue hair and pale skin, to her cute face and body. We figured that that must be the custom Maiden for Hire that Lord Il Palazzo ordered. (Figures…)

"Excel is shocked, and somewhat rather confused!" She cried, "This Maiden looks like Hatchan! You look like Hatchan, currently turned off Maiden, owned by Excel Excel!"

She then bellowed, as she saluted, "BUT! And this is a BIG BUT! Lord Il Palazzo promises Excel to study this Maiden for Hire under complete observation! Maybe we'll obtain this technology, as use of our soldiers of ACROSS! YES! The robot, or gynoid, rebellion is underway, and all Excel needs to do is observe, study, and work on this Maiden, or die trying!"

She then smiled, "Good thing, too. If I died now, this story resets itself."

"Well, time to turn it on!" She cheered.

She stopped and had a recurring flashback.

Ropponmatsu 2 smiled, "Hello, big sister!"

"What's with the sister act?"

Sumiyoshi appeared and said: It must be imprinting.

Excel viewed the star and shrieked. Ropponmatsu 2 gave her a huge hug, breaking her spine.

"I'm gonna die…" she moaned, and died.

"Why is it coming back to me?" She thought, "Excel thought she was rid of her… but… but why now?"

She pulled the Maiden out and carried her to her apartment. Menchi watched on and was shocked.

"Ah, well," she gasped, "It's behind me now. Excel is gonna spoil this Maiden for Hire rotten… the ACROSS way!"

She then looked around her body and tried to find the ON button. She looked around her body, even from inside her clothing (don't ask), but no go.

"WHERE'S THE ON BUTTON ON THIS PIECE OF CRAP?" She shouted.

However, she then tried to call the company, but found the button, from her view, on the back of her neck. Excel gasped and said, "At this rate, Excel was about to give up all hope…"

Pfft… Beginners…

She approached her and tried to press the button. Menchi plugged her in, as Excel pressed the button.

Nothing.

"Uh, what just happened?" Excel asked.

Suddenly, the Maiden opened her LED red eyes and stood in attention. She turned to Excel and bowed.

"AHH! Excel is rather confused!" She whined, "She has the Maiden that does look like Hatchan!"

She bowed and said, "Hello, Miss Excel. I am your Maiden for Hire, Model #PU-241N. My name is Hyatt. I am here for your-."

"WHOA!" She gasped, "And she even sounds like Hatchan…"

Hyatt Maiden bowed and said, "Miss Excel, let me finish."

She then said, "I am here for your guaranteed service, as a gift from Mr. Palazzo."

Excel cried, "Lord Il Palazzo, are you trying to trick me?"

Hyatt Maiden stroked her face and said, "Tell me, Miss Excel Excel, what I shall do for you? I enjoy cooking, cleaning, and anything your heart desires. And as an added bonus, I get an extra mode in me."

"Is this mode, Pleasure Mode?"

"No. It is our basic and default mode, which can be enabled and disabled, for either safety from users, or if underage. You, Miss Excel, shall enjoy it."

"What is it, as if Excel dare ask…?"

Hyatt then blushed and held up a small microphone and started to sing.

"Welcome to my service! Welcome to my life! I am your Maiden, and you are my wife! (Just kidding…)"

Excel blushed by Hyatt Maiden's Karaoke Mode*.

*-See "Maiden for Hire: School Rumble Style", if you don't know what Karaoke Mode is.

Excel was moved, "How awesome… Excel would've died in your swoons and be back here, resetting the story."

Great Will said, "Not my problem… But I'll be here, just in case."

Excel snapped, "What is wrong with this crack fanfic?"

I think she means "QUACK Fanfic".

That night, Excel returned to ACROSS and presented the full story:
Excel Maiden Log – Day 3:
Excel is happy that Excel has become a user for Maidens for Hire, or the robo-Hyatt that you gave me, Lord Il Palazzo. To be honest, it's like you have to have a full stomach on one meal, alone. The Maiden made a plate of delicious meat and apple curry, I almost ralphed. But I got full, because… it was stupendous! Keep those foods coming! I'll save up for the rent, as soon as I go to my part-time job!
More importantly, once the month is up, we'll be able to have the control of Maiden Hyatt. Once we do, ACROSS will rule the world! Excel is happy, even though the Pleasure Mode is-, AHH! Excel has to stop talking! More food! But I cannot! I'm full! SOMEONE! ANYBODY! PULL ME!

Day 3 – Signing off…

Excel left, leaving the report in Il Palazzo's desk.

"Ah, wonderful day," she said, "I wish that I could write what she does, for the cooking, cleaning, singing, and anything part. But…"

She then remembered:

Ropponmatsu 2 was with her, holding a picture of Il Palazzo, "Whoa! Who's that guy?"

"HEY, PONGOLA! What-a you think-a you doing, you little punk?"

"My name's not punk! It's Ropponmatsu!"

"I don't care if your name's Rapunzel, Roppongi, or Rope Burn!"

She grabbed the picture and cried, "How dare you hold my secret picture of Lord Il Palazzo?"

"Ooh," Ropponmatsu 2 smiled, "Is he your lover? He's so awesome. You're lucky."

"You think so?" Excel smiled.

"In that case, why aren't you in the picture, Miss Excel?" Ropponmatsu 1 retorted.

BONK!

"I'm gonna hit you!" Excel shrieked, hitting Ropponmatsu 2.

"Don't say it after you hurt me!" She cried, feeling her head.

Excel stopped and cringed, scratching her head. She then thought, "Oh… kay… This is nuts. Surely, my past isn't coming back. The Hyatt Robot is gentle; plus, a great singer."

She left, as a Puchuu growled, "Don't call me Shirley!"

Chapter 1
Today's Assignment… Tettering…

To be continued…