Title: With the one you love…
Author: Loz
E-Mail: loz06@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Category: CJ/Leo and the rest
Series: Quartet: 1. If you can't be… 2. with the one you love…3. then love the one… 4. you're with.
Spoilers: This was written a long time ago, it's basically bits from the campaign - Season 2. Due to this some things may now be incorrect which is part of the reason I'm finally posting it before it becomes totally obsolete.
Archive (if applicable): The National Library http://westwingstories.com/library
Feedback: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.
Summary: CJ and Leo from campaign to AU really.
Author's Notes: Written many moons ago, maybe something's I've assumed which now may be incorrect.
Disclaimers: If I can't be the owner of The West Wing, I'll just have to love the fanfic I write.
*
CJ Cregg twirled around the floor of the International Ballroom at the Presidents Inauguration Ball, in the arms of Toby Ziegler at a distance not indicative of their close and personal relationship.
The President had told her that he'd chosen the location because it was the biggest ballroom in Washington and CJ wondered if the President knows half the people who were doing their best to fill it. At a hundred and twenty dollars a head what did he care?
Across the room she watched Leo McGarry dance with his wife and then lean in to whisper something in her ear. CJ read their body language as cold, distant and unfamiliar despite their best efforts to cover. It was if they were two strangers on a blind date with nothing in common.
Her eyes met across the dance floor with his over their respective partner's shoulders and CJ quickly pulled out of the meeting, turning her focus back to Toby.
"Dollar for your thoughts." Her distraction is not going unnoticed by him.
"Dollar?" She says raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah inflation, you know." A rare smile crosses his face, something that has been happening more frequently, always in her presence.
"I was thinking you should kiss me." CJ looks into the eyes of the man who not so long ago got drunk and said to hell with the consequences one night or more might have on 15 years of friendship. He was the one she was used to waking up with, commiserating with and celebrating with and tonight they would celebrate.
"You're kidding." He says as they stop dancing mid song.
"Yeah why not, let's roll out the red carpet, get all the skeletons out of the closet before we start this thing." She says with enthusiasm at the idea.
"Ok." He says as he pulls her closer so their bodies brush together.
"So do you need a timetable or instructions?" She teases.
"I thought I'd wait till the end of the song."
When the music fades he doesn't disappoint, tilting his head and making slow and gentle love to her lips with his. It's the softer, caring side of Toby Ziegler that is hardly ever seen and she has the privilege of seeing it, a privilege by her own admission that she doesn't deserve. She doesn't love him and he deserves someone who does.
"That oughta make the front page tomorrow." He smiles.
Across the room the display doesn't go unnoticed by Leo McGarry.
~*~
Later CJ watches Toby schmooze with some of the campaigns biggest contributors, she lost sight of Leo hours ago, but all she can think of now is going upstairs and sleeping till check out time.
She points her index finger up to indicate she's retiring upstairs and Toby nods grateful for the momentary distraction from a conversation which has long passed the point of boring.
In the elevator on the way up CJ takes off the strappy shoes that have propelled her to heights that should be illegal for someone not in the professional basketball league. Tonight she was taller than Toby and they both hate that, but the event required them.
Having not yet settled in Washington she decided to treat herself to a night in the Hilton, she tries not to think about her next credit card bill or how she's going to pay it.
Her arches of her feet feel funny as she gets off the elevator and walks to the room; hours in the shoes have left them with an abnormal lift.
Inside the room she throws them across the room and in the cover of darkness she adjusts the air-conditioning to a comfortable temperature. She fumbles her way to the bed aware her shoes are 'out there' and could cause bodily harm. She flops her head into the pillow too tired to care about the fact she's going to sleep in a dry clean only dress.
"CJ..."
Her reply is a scream as she reaches for the bedside lamp; it bathes the room in light revealing Leo who is sitting at the chair and tables in the room.
"MY...god, how did you get in here."
"That doesn't matter," He says coming to sit on the other side of the bed.
"It does to me." CJ says getting up; apparently the dress is coming off she thinks to herself.
"Was that for my benefit tonight?" He asks moving again to her side of the bed.
"Was what for your benefit?"
"That thing with Toby." With her back turned to him she rolls her eyes, men are so selfish, even married ones.
"That was in the interest of getting things out in the open, no secrets no skeletons before we start this."
"Well that's not exactly true." He reminds her.
"Yours and my actions aren't likely to raise questions like Toby's and mine are." She sighs dropping her tired arms in defeat after trying to undo the dress.
"Here let me," He says stepping in.
CJ can't ignore the chills that flush through her body as he gentle undoes the teeth of the zipper down her back, his fingers involuntarily caress her spine and she feels compelled to shiver like the air-conditioning was suddenly making the room to cold.
"I just don't want you to forget." He says as she turns to face him again.
"Forget what?" Her dress unsupported, CJ wishes she filled it out better than she does.
"This." He sweeps her up into his arms, which she gladly accepts as his lips move urgently and hungrily against hers. The straps of her dress slip to her elbows and she lets it fall the rest of the way to the floor allowing her to encircle her arms around him and press herself closer. She lets out a spontaneous moan as their tongues caress which distracts from the fact she's wearing only stockings and panties. CJ realizes it's the same kiss they shared in that hotel corridor in the first weeks of the campaign.
"I haven't forgotten."
"I know." It's he who needed the reminder, of how overwhelming it is to kiss her, to be with her, to have his arms around her, he needed the strength to go on loving her from a distance.
He turns off the bedside lamp, leaving the room in darkness once again until a short moment later when the light from the hallway breaks through.
"I'm alone down the hall tonight," He says before shutting the door behind him.
Damn him she curses in the nicest way possible as she sheds her stockings, she was just starting to accept loving him from afar and he comes along and says things like this.
The buzz that she gets from kissing him and being with him keeps her awake and staring at the ceiling.
Down the hall Leo is doing the same thing.
~*~
At 3 am she gives up on sleeping till check out time, Toby is snoring gently next to her as she picks up the phone and calls downstairs asking for Leo McGarry's room.
She fumbles for the oversized shirt she usually sleeps in, still tucked in her bag and wraps the complementary robe over it and slips the key card into the pocket and sneaks out the door, opening it as little as possible so not as to wake Toby.
She knocks quietly one his door telling herself if he doesn't answer then she'll leave it and just go back to bed.
When he answers her mind races with thousands of things, it's dangerous, they could get caught, it could make it difficult to be apart after this, it's something of taking another step in the relationship.
"No sex and just this once." She lays down her initial ground rules.
He lets her in and she notices he hasn't slept in the bed yet. CJ sheds her robe pulling back the bed covers and sliding between the cool sheets.
He settles next to her on his back and she curls herself around him, head in the crook of his arm, legs entwined with his and arms around him.
"I'm glad your here." His voice breaks through the silent darkness.
"Me too."
CJ lies for a while watching him and listening to the rhythmical pace of his breathing, she's at a loss to describe just how right this feels. She can feel herself breath in time with him and a hand, which is drawing indeterminate characters lightly on her back. It doesn't take long for them both to fall asleep.
She leaves before he wakes a couple of hours later, it's easier this way, with them both awake it would be harder, pining for more that they couldn't have. She's back in her bed before Toby wakes and she wraps herself around him to try and cover the loss of Leo.
It's not the same.
~*~
The White House provides a certain amount of distraction CJ soon discovers, some days too much distraction, all she has energy left to do is go home and collapse in bed. Often Toby will have let himself in and will be slumped across his side of the bed and some nights CJ will allow herself the luxury of thinking about Leo for five minutes before falling asleep.
Long, stressful hours have left her relationship with Toby without direction, not that they ever had any except to the bedroom. Arguments bought home from work aide and abet cracks in their relationship that is built on crumbling foundations. More frequently they sleep alone at night despite physically being at arms length from one another. CJ's suspicions that the winds of change are blowing into her life are confirmed with a sudden acceleration at the State Dinner.
~*~
She watches Leo talking to someone across the room and she knows negotiators, hostage situations, hurricanes and truckers weigh on his mind, all their minds, but none so much as The President whom she saw in the hallways a short while ago.
Toby is in a kitchen somewhere trying to break a language barrier and in the current context she feels totally useless. She touches base with Mandy who she can only describe as being highly strung and having made the required appearance she's about to retire to her office when someone taps her on the back.
"Dance with me?" Her heart skips a beat at the thought of the stolen glances they shared across the room at the Inauguration ball.
As they move slowly in their own section of the floor CJ allows herself to focus on his face as the rest of the room blurs and then fades out entirely.
Thoughts of media interpretation are far from her mind, she's worked so hard at misdirection with Toby and then there's Leo's marital status. Suggestions of anything more would only be made by tabloid writings, CJ refuses to use the word journalism, who weren't invited tonight.
"I know this isn't the right time or place, considering everything else that has been going on, but there's something I need to tell you." There's something in his tone that tells CJ this isn't business.
"Can you come to my office in ten minutes?" She nods as they clap at the end of the song.
When she turns back he's illusively gone and she grabs another flute of champagne and escapes to the solitude and sanctity of her office.
~*~
Exactly ten minutes later she's walking the hall towards his office. She can hear sounds from the party, like a murmur that goes through the crowd, a pleasant mixture of music, laughter and incomprehensible conversation.
He's reading on the lounge when she arrives and she knocks politely to announce her presence.
"Shut the door." He says taking off his glass and she wishes he wouldn't because they make him look wiser and even more distinguished than he is. She knows what his first intention is, it's written across his eyes and there's little talking involved.
Once they've shut out the rest of the world they readily accept each other and kiss like two teenagers who have been banned from seeing each other by their parents. Slowing to savor the moment and with lips barely parted he sighs contentedly.
"It's been too long since we've done that." She presses her forehead to his.
"I've missed you."
He leads her to the couch where he was sitting not long ago and as they sit at a platonic distance CJ's mind rattles with all the possible things he's about to tell her and the consequences for him, her and them both. It never crossed her mind what he tells her, she just never thought the day would come when the words would be uttered; it was always an outside possibility.
"Jenny's asking me for a divorce." It's now CJ knows the winds of change have blown into her life.
"When?" CJ hastily considers in this situation whether she should be overjoyed at the news of sympathetic for the dissolution of his marriage.
"About three weeks ago." CJ think back to the day of the necklace, dinner and the violinist, then the disjointed response the next day at the success of the evening, CJ hadn't allowed her face to betray her real suspicions on the outcome of the night.
"I'm sorry." She squeezes his hand in a show of support.
"Thanks."
"You want to talk about it?"
"Yeah, but I was going to head..."
"Home." CJ finishes and realizes he won't be able to use that word in the same way again.
"Yeah."
"I'll drive you."
~*~
Leo flicks on the light to reveal a modest yet somewhat up market hotel room. CJ investigates the mini bar as he sheds the attachments of the day, coat, scarf, briefcase and tie.
"Let's not make tonight about you and I..." She watches him pull at his tie.
"At some stage..." He starts.
"But tonight is about you."
CJ sits on the seat that's part of the bay window; she can see the Washington monument, but not the White House. She sips her drink, waiting for him to start talking, and thinking about what could happen for them in the future.
He paces the floor as if statically gathering thoughts and sentences from the carpet and starts talking with anger, mostly with himself. Anger at not working hard enough in his marriage to save it, regardless of how terrible it was, not talking and not having the guts to get out when it was over, long before now. Anger at falling for CJ and not doing anything about it, just putting up the stops. There's uncertainty for the future, for the first time alone in such a long time.
When he breaks down and cries she holds him like a supportive friend would and lets him sit leaning against her, she listens without judgment or interruption as he lets out the things he should no longer keep locked up inside of him.
Later as he gently sleeps against her with the peace of an innocent small child, CJ discovers she can lift him into the bed and before she closes the door after her she whispers I love you in the hope it might brighten his dreams.
~*~
Why do I do it? CJ thinks to herself as she dials her parent's number. The fact that she's...upset about Lowell Lydell is likely only to further facilitate and argument with her father. No she won't be coming home for Christmas this year; yes she is sorry she hasn't called to tell them before December 23rd. No I'm not currently seeing anyone. How do you explain to your father that given the hours you work the only man you see outside the office on a regular basis is the landlord's greasy son who propositions you each time he sees you?
CJ isn't about to tell her parents about Toby, her mother would make a big fuss, she's always liked Toby and CJ didn't feel the relationship deserved that sort of attention, it's not like it is going anywhere. They both seem to be running to stand still. She ends the conversation with her father and replaces the phone with minimum hurt to both parties. Between Leo, Toby and the landlord's son, CJ's life was starting to resemble something of a daytime soap storyline.
I've hit rock bottom she thinks still staring at the phone, in love with a married man, sleeping with a colleague in a meaningless relationship and being come onto by the man who lives downstairs with a criminal history.
All it takes for the life coin to be flicked to the shiny side is Carol's announcement that he is here to see her. Good or bad who cares, he's here and the conversation with her father is forgotten.
~*~
He watches her as she has her ten seconds in her office about Lowell Lidell; she's passionate and firm in her position. Her hands dance to articulate her point as she makes her sociological links and diagnoses the things wrong with the country at the time, as if it is something yet to be realized. It lacks the naiveté of Sam but says more about 'I'm here and I'm in the know and hey I have an opinion too'. In the past he's been guilty of omitting her in crucial areas and chances are it will happen again. It's the nature of her position within the administration; she doesn't create policy she sells it to the masses. It's all he can do to just watch her in affection and marvel at how this wonderful woman hasn't run out of patience and told him he's missed his opportunity with her.
How is it he can't have conversations like this, serious but not too heavy, with her together in bed basking in post-coitual glow, only to silence her as he starts making love to her again. It's unfair he can't go after hate crimes as she would wish and then to put her on a pedestal proudly because it was her idea and she's with him.
"I'm telling you to dial it down." He says smoothly, he hates to order not to do anything, her or anyone, it's a team, he just happens to be the leader as such and it's not really a directive, more a request. But he's frustrated and tired.
"Ok."
"Thankyou." He says mood improving.
"You have plans yet?" She ventures as she heads for her chair, he was about to leave, business between them being finished, her question makes him pause and then turns back.
"For Christmas?"
"Yeah." He thinks for a moment, mind playing a thousand possibilities, spending it with the family, alone or with her.
"My plan is to do nothing." It's open and not leading, he's free, but he's not asking her to spend the holiday with him.
"You want me to come and cook you something?" CJ plays her card as she leans back into the chair playing it cool, only the tone of her voice gives a hint to the fact she wants to spend time alone with him. What seems so innocent in question form could lead to so much more in execution.
He considers for a moment while his heart silently screams yes, come over but can we just have each other for Christmas, no food. "What are you my mother?" He breaks into a melting smile again.
"I was just asking." She pushes back into her chair again; her tone is soft and sultry. He's smiling, it's one that makes CJ fall in love with him all over again, he looks sideways, stealing the smile from her view as their expressions scream true feelings...kiss, right here, right now, with the door open and everything. The conversation was never meant to go anywhere or past the point of gentle teasing and code talk. It's not a conversation to be had for the rest of the building to be privy to.
"I'll see you later." And he's gone.
CJ floats to her next briefing.
~*~
"So can you cook?"
"Can you?" CJ doesn't move from her stretched position in her chair, eyes closed to ward of an impending headache.
"Not really."
"Well then we won't notice how bad it is." It must have been shortly after 11pm when she heard him come in and close the door.
"You have plans with Toby?" Se hears the soft sound as he sinks into her couch.
"Toby plans to work." Se says simply. "He won't care that I spend it with you."
"Maybe it's not such a good idea."
"Carol, get me Toby will you." Se yells, eyes still closed. When she realizes her assistant is long gone for the night, she dials the number herself.
"CJ...no."
As CJ tells Toby over the phone her plans, Leo can't help notice the conversation is distant and removed it could easily be two roommates, CJ being the one to ring out of courtesy to say she's met someone and won't be home for dinner. They certainly don't act like two people in a relationship or show any desire to spend one of the major Christian holidays together.
"You shouldn't have done that." H stands and allows a little annoyance to taint his voice.
"We need to talk, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." He feet fall from the desk to the floor with a thump as her eyes flick open. She has to know if his heart will sever ties with Jenny, not just his life, despite sentiments to the contrary.
"You need to spend this holiday with Toby, not me." Anger bubbling well below the surface has made its appearance.
"Toby doesn't do Christmas." CJ allows herself to fire up as well; she can't believe he doesn't want to spend time with her. Part of her wonders if this is going to be over before it began.
"I don't care, you can't spend it with me, I'm not available to you or anyone." Te words flow from his mouth and he's not sure why, it's more bitterness at not being available to her than anything that can be defined as CJ's fault. He can't decide why he's upset, is it because he can't spend time with her as he would wish or because it would only be a depressing day of limits that his heart doesn't recognize.
"Well it sounds like we don't need to have that conversation, there's my answer right there." She spits venomously.
"Fine don't come over, I've managed fine with my life so far, I'm not about to crumble now." They're both yelling now, not caring who can hear, the halls are hollow and empty occupied only by the odd custodial staffer.
"What are you my father, my relationship councilor, how dare *you* of all people take that role, how dare you be the kettle that calls the pot black." Her eyes bore holes into him until CJ realizes the trembling look is him about to cry.
He closes her door quietly after him.
CJ curses out loud and throws the first non-breakable thing on her desk as hard as she can at the door.
Her date book clobbers into the door and CJ feels good for a matter or milliseconds till she watches the loose pieces of paper and business cards scatter across the floor. Now she feels like throwing something else.
~*~
Moments later she stalks down the hall towards his office and announces her presence with the slamming of his door.
She stares at him as he sits behind his desk and removes his glasses, waiting to hear what she has to say.
"I love you Ok." She stumbles over her words as emotion creeps in.
"And I want to spend Christmas with you, I want to spend everyday with you, Ok, I'm sorry, I don't know how love works for you, but this is what happens for me." She smiles through her tear distorted vision, it's good enough to see him smile back.
"I love you, it's all I know and it's all I can say."
"It's more than enough," He says burying his face in her hair, arms gripped tightly around her, CJ's tears splashing on his shoulder.
"This is so hard," She says as their foreheads rest together.
"I'm sorry." He runs a hand down the side of her face moving in for a long lingering kiss. He breaks to look at her again only to capture her lips with his again, this time more intensive, tongues search for unexplored places that don't exist and lips and arms move to get as much of each other as fast as possible.
"You deserve so much better, you deserve me everyday and I want to give it to you, you've been so patient..." She nods at the words coming from him that are what she couldn't say to him.
"So what are you going to cook me?" He teases as he kisses away her tears.
~*~
"You do know there are only two of us eating right?" Leo says as CJ places the food on his kitchen table. She'd presented herself at his door shortly after midday, arms laden with food and he'd had to remove the uncooked chicken from the top of the pile to establish it was actually her.
"You have backups, just in case." CJ asked surveying the kitchen.
"In case of what...oh...there's two frozen lasagnas in the freezer." Leo grinned.
"Perfect." She stops then and stares mystically across at him, lost in his face.
"What?" He breaks into a brilliant smile, uncomfortable with her intense scrutiny.
"I just realized I haven't come within three feet of you since I walked in the door and we're alone in your kitchen, in your house."
"So you're kicking your addiction to me."
"Never." She said taking a step closer towards him.
"You should know I've been controlling the urge to put you over my shoulder and carry you to my cave like some sort of Neanderthal man since you arrived."
"Is there mistletoe anywhere in this house?" She runs her hands down the front of the battered shirt he's wearing.
"There isn't." He says leaning in to kiss her only to pull back when she responds.
"Well then, I guess I'll just have to say I was too weak then, couldn't resist your significant charms." She leans in at a teasingly slow pace caressing his bottom then top lip before deepening to accept silky tongues. Her arms shoot up under his shirt careering across his chest and then back, she smiles as his warm hands creep cautiously up her side and moans her approval as they continue their path across her back. They seem to have forgotten about air as they move frantically together, their noses nuzzle and simultaneously grasp for the same tiny pocket of air, while the rest of them considers nothing but acquiring more of what they're already getting.
Breathing heavily CJ pulls back feeling her lungs about to expire, she feathers light kisses across his facial features as they reclaim their collective breath and contemplate the intensity of what just happened.
"I could eat all that food about now," He says looking at her.
CJ laughs before drawing him in to begin again.
~*~
No less than six hours later they're eating frozen lasagna in front of the TV.
The chicken is burnt; the vegetables too dry and CJ forgot all about the stuffing, the only survivor was the bottle of red wine that she drinks with her meal.
She sits shoulder to shoulder with him on the couch as they watch 'Miracle on 34th street.' and decides this is her utopia, she's achieved that which is supposed to not exist, state of perfection.
He crawls over her on the couch, taking her empty foil carton with him, placing a chaste kiss on her lips before disappearing from sight. She moves to lie across the couch curling her long frame to accommodate the less than generous space. Her eyes never leave the spot he will cross to come back to her.
He steps into her field of vision wearing an empty, conflicted expression and she sits up thinking maybe the phone rang without her realizing it and something has happened to someone.
"What's wrong?" CJ asks.
"I was just thinking that I don't deserve you because I'm going to hurt you again."
"Well you don't exactly have me," She says keeping it light, CJ knows what's coming, it's the conversation they have needed to have since the separation. She pats the spot next to her on the couch and when he fills it she lays down once again, this time across his lap.
"So talk to me," She says guiding one of his hands up under her shirt across her warm stomach.
"You're not making this easy for me." He laughs brushing her ginger hair across her forehead.
"Mmm, well I'm secretly hoping you'll give into temptation and carry me quite willingly to your cave."
"We can't..." He adds in a scratchy tone.
CJ sits up now the time is up on code talk and bad jokes. She sits herself next to him, legs across his, supportive arms wrapped around him. "Just say it, it's Ok, you do what you have to do and I understand that."
"You're still young CJ, you should be out looking for someone else, not waiting around for me."
"I don't want anyone else." Her head drops to his shoulder and her fingers spray under his shirt across warm and inviting skin.
"Me either." CJ presses her lips to his cotton sheathed shoulder in thanks for his agreement. "You know I let Jenny take the house..." He runs a hand along her right shin.
"Yeah." She whispers softly, concentrating on tracing 'I love you' across his middle.
"...And I won't contest her on anything, unless she becomes unreasonable, which I doubt she will..."
CJ nods, letting him continue, uninterrupted.
"... But I have to protect myself and what I've earnt and I can't afford to have questions arise..."
"You have a pre-nup?" CJ asks looking up at him.
"...We both do, Jenny is from a wealthy family, they wanted to protect themselves and I was doing quite well for myself when we met..."
"... It has a section in it about if one of the two partners is unfaithful." At this CJ repels quickly from him to a more platonic distance.
"It's Ok..." He smiles reassuringly reaching for her to join him again.
"... So you understand I can't have you on my arm at the next public function, even though I'm separated..."
"I'll wait no matter how long it takes." CJ tells him fitting her head snugly between his shoulder and neck and tries to appear optimistic but inside she crumbles once again at the thought of having to wait some more.
Outside his apartment she sits and cries quietly to herself in her car, she's still crying when she gets home to a bewildered Toby who can't stop her till she cries herself to sleep.
It's the Illinois Primary hurt all over again, only this time the decision wasn't hers.
~*~