Author's Note:

This is a tribute to the various Christmas specials, movies, TV shows and stories I've seen and/or read over the years that have poked a little fun at the holiday. I started this story last year (2012), but never completed the second chapter (bad me), so when December rolled around this year, I dusted off the story and started anew. Much has been added, everything was edited and the final chapter (ch2) will be rolled out soon. Blame the wickedly cold weather and snow blanketing the land around me for this focused inspiration.

Overall, there are some old, new and –dare I say - traditional jokes woven within the fic, so hopefully one or more will bring you some holiday cheer. Enjoy!

A Mass Effect Christmas Story – Chapter 1

Commander Jane Shepard marched her way from the Embassy suites toward the Alliance docking bay. Although it was December 22nd – by the Earth standard calendar – the Spectre was anything but jolly. Her crimson armor may even have been considered festive, but when added to the scowl on her face and irritated demeanor of her body language the visual was more imposing than inviting. Especially since she was muttering to herself while repeatedly smacking her right fist into her open left palm.

"Unbelievable," the Spectre grumbled. "How many Council members does it take to change a light bulb?"

*Smack*

In an exaggerated, high-pitched voice, she replied to herself. "I don't know, Shepard. How many does it take?"

*Smack*

Returning to her surly "I've-just-met-with-the-Council-tone", she laid out the punch line. "None, ya blithering idiot! They consider themselves so enlightened that they don't mind sitting in the dark."

*Smack*

The only thing Shepard hated more than wasting her time with the Citadel Council's inane but mandatory "we don't know what we are doing, but we look official" meetings was feeling idle and adrift. And that is exactly how she felt since the Normandy arrived at the Alliance docking bay for repairs three days ago. There had been no daring rescues, impossible fact finding missions or hazardous encounters with lunatics for over a week and the toll of boredom was showing in her prickly disposition. She needed some excitement, some action. She needed to hit someone.

If she had to endure the holiday while grounded on a space station, then that wish was going to the top of her Christmas list.

By the time the Spectre reached the docking bay, it was early in the evening and she had sufficiently calmed down from her meeting with the Council. At least enough that she was no longer smacking her fists together and muttering obscenities under her breath. The Normandy repair crews were hard at work on the outer hull, so the commander slowed her stride, taking a moment to observe their progress. The sight of the frigate always had a soothing effect on her mood and while her eyes slipped over its graceful shape, a subtle, doting smile adorned her lips. She took in a deep, cleansing breath and slowly exhaled... then her eyes narrowed and the smile turned into a menacing frown. The commander had spotted three new, unofficial, non-Alliance protrusions on her ship – a large, red, bulb-like shape affixed to the nose of the frigate and two antler-like antennas on the top of the hull. She knew immediately who to blame.

"Williams," she growled.

In a flash, the commander headed in the direction of the frigate's airlock door. Once inside the ship, she set off toward the elevator.

"I don't care if it is Christmas," she declared adamantly to empty space, "the Normandy is not a reindeer. And hood ornaments are not allowed"

"Shepard!"

The Spectre angrily spun around, and gazed upon a familiar, but oddly dressed figure. "Garrus," she roared, barely disguising her frustration at being intercepted, "what the bloody hell is around your neck?"

"This?" the Turian questioned as he pointed to the round evergreen adorned with red berries, pine cones and a red bow that circled his neck. "It a Christmas wreath."

"I know what it is, but why is it around your neck?!"

"I wanted to wear something authentic for the Christmas party tonight."

"Humans usually hang wreaths on a wall or door," the Spectre chided. "We don't wear them around our neck."

Garrus shook his head in disbelief. "Dr. Chakwas showed me a vid of the last holiday party she attended. Quite a few humans were wearing wreaths." The Turian picked a red holly berry off the wreath and ate it. "The dual purpose as an appetizer is genius!"

She stared incredulously at the Turian for a few seconds, but finally gave up when she realized he was quite serious about his holiday accessory. "Fine," she said, waving him off with a dismissive hand gesture, "it's your fashion statement." Then her steely green eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Now, what did you want?"

"Tali and I need your help."

The Spectre sighed heavily, raking her fingers through her short, dark red hair. No matter how much time she spent styling it or how much product she used, the naturally curly locks always made her pixie cut look disheveled. "My help? Can it wait? I've got an ass-chewing to give."

"It's important," Garrus said, his voice almost pleading. "We really need your input."

"With what?"

"It's easier to show you rather than tell you." The Turian motioned for her to follow him. "Come on."

Rolling her eyes in exasperation, the red-haired human quietly muttered, "This had better be important…"

Garrus led the Spectre down to the Mess, but as she stepped through the threshold of the group dining area a barrage of sparkling objects caught her eye, stopping her dead in her tracks.

"What the hell?" she said through gritted teeth as her hand slid down to her pistol. The familiar, soothing shape of the handle helped her maintain her composure.

Earlier that morning, before meeting with the Council, she'd had breakfast in the large room and it had looked normal, nothing had been out of place. Gun-metal grey walls, a long picnic-like table to eat at, a small kitchenette for the crew to heat up their rations or cook if they had spent creds on real ingredients. Now though, the room looked like something out of a Norman Rockwell Christmas print. A large, fake fir tree adorned with white lights, silver garland and various shapes, colors and sizes of ornaments stood in the far corner of the room – wisely on the opposite side of the kitchenette to avoid unwanted fire emergencies. Multicolored strings of lights had been hung up around the room, giving the space a surreal feel as the prismatic hues reflected off the metal walls. Holiday music was even playing in the background.

"Alenko," the Spectre grumbled as she looked around the room, taking in the whole festive scene while scowling in aggravation, completely unaware that her hand had tightened reflexively on the handle of her pistol.

Before she said or did something rash, Shepard bit her lower lip, then finished following Garrus over to the kitchenette where Tali was busying herself with an odd looking mechanical apparatus that consisted of three metal pots – one of which was being heated by a gas burner – and various metal piping that connected them all together in a perplexing tubular web. To Shepard the tangled contraption looked suspiciously like an antique moonshine still.

"What the hell is going on here?" she questioned sharply.

Garrus straightened the wreath so the ribbon fell down his chest like a necktie. Then, he ate another holly berry. "Tali and I wanted to better understand your human customs surrounding the Christmas holiday and the various inebriated celebrations it entails. We came across a traditional drink called eggnog, so naturally we decided to replicate it."

The Spectre shook her head in exasperation. "Naturally. And this doohickey?" She pulled out her pistol, pointing the barrel at the labyrinth-like apparatus.

Tali looked up from her work behind the large, pieced together machine. "It's for scientific purposes only, Shepard. I'll dismantle it as soon as the experiment is over."

"Yes, you will." The tone of her voice made it perfectly clear that the still would be removed from her ship. Pronto. It was bad enough that the humans on-board were going out of their way to disrupt the Normandy with their holiday antics, but to have the non-human crew join in as well was overkill. Holstering her pistol, she asked, "Tali, why is there a string of lights wrapped around your body?"

"Oh!" the Quarian said excitedly, "watch this!" She proceeded to connect one end of the string into a small power cell on her belt, then suddenly the collage of multicolored, blinking lights lit up making her look very similar to the decorated fir tree in the corner. "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Um, yeah, it's very…flashy," Shepard mumbled, not having the heart to tell the youngest member of her crew that she looked ridiculous. "Who helped you pick it out?"

"Nobody helped me," the Quarian proudly stated. "After Garrus and I saw Dr. Chakwas' holiday vid, I knew exactly how I wanted to accessorize my outfit."

A barely perceptible smile curled on the Spectre's lips as she made a mental note to ask the Alliance medical officer to see that vid. "That must have been one hell of a party."

"Everyone seemed to be having a good time and they were dressed so colorfully which is what inspired my outfit."

The Spectre focused her full attention back on the Quarian's blinking attire. "Wow. Yeah. That's… definitely unique." As her right hand rubbed the back of her neck, she added uncomfortably, "Goes well with your environmental suit."

"Thanks, Shepard," Tali said sounding quite pleased.

Before she had to lie anymore, the Spectre brought the conversation back on track. "So why do the two of you need my help again?"

Garrus walked over to the intricate still and from its faucet poured the contents into a coffee mug. "Since this eggnog has no dextro-amino acids, we need a human to taste test it for us."

"What about Williams?" To the Spectre, assigning the Gunnery Chief to be the guinea pig for the experimental holiday brew seemed like an ideal avenue of punishment for adding unsanctioned reindeer décor to the Normandy's hull.

"Ashley said she is a flexitarian," Tali replied while playing with remote controlling her lights. She was testing different blinking speeds, randomizing their grouping and even changing the color of the bulbs.

"A what?" the commander scoffed.

"A vegetarian who sometimes consumes meat products."

"How convenient for her…"

While the string of lights around her body flashed rapidly between red and white, Tali commented, "In this case, she said she couldn't drink any without violating her personal beliefs."

"Which are?"

The Quarian tilted her head just enough so the blinking lights reflected off of her visor. "That it would make her sick."

The commander rolled her eyes in disbelief. "Sick, indeed. I think I'm going to be sick right now. And Alenko?"

Once again, Garrus offered the mug to the red-haired human. "He said he was something called… lactose intolerant."

"That was cured over a hundred years ago!" Shepard barked cantankerously.

"He mentioned something about his L2 implant causing …"

"Oh bloody hell! Just give me the damn eggnog! I swear if you were half as creative while you were in C-Sec, Saren would already be behind bars!"

Garrus' facial plates moved into a shape that could only be considered a Turian form of a smile and then handed the cup to the commander.

Eyes squinting, she examined the concoction suspiciously, and then commented, "It's green."

"Yeah. We tried to give it that off-white color, but neither of us liked it, so we made it green." Stretching both arms out as though to encompass the room the Turian happily stated, "Goes better with the décor."

Nonplussed, Shepard said, "Green is also the color of mold."

"According to Dr. Chakwas, your first wonder drug – penicillin, came from mold."

"So do respiratory illnesses and allergies."

"You know for the first human Spectre you're not very brave." Chuckling, Garrus added, "Just drink the damn thing, Shepard. If something happens to you, the medbay is two meters away. Tali will drag you."

"Thanks, Garrus. Nice to know you've got my back."

"Anytime, Shepard."

Sighing dramatically, the human said a silent prayer, took a teeny–tiny sip, and then her eyes widened in amazement. "Holy crap… this is actually good." She took another sip – this time scrutinizing its flavor. "It really has alcohol in it?"

Tali had been listening to their conversation, so she answered. "It really does."

"She was up all night engineering the drink."

"Engineering?" Shepard mumbled with a worried eyebrow raised. "What do you mean by engineering?"

At that very moment, a large group arrived in the Mess – Ashley, Wrex, Kaidan, Dr. Chakwas, Joker and Liara. They all appeared to be in a heated discussion, but the Spectre couldn't hear any details because her attention had been drawn in by the Asari who was the last to enter the room. There were two things about the researcher that caught her eye. The first was the unique fleece hat she wore on her head- it looked like the tail of a dragon. The hat was green with a row of white spikes and tassels that continued to the tip of the hat which ended at the Asari's waist. The Spectre had seen snowboarders on the slopes of Elysium wearing similar colorful and whimsical hats, but never thought she would see one on the quiet and shy Asari. Somehow it made her hotter than before and with the added cuteness of looking like a snow bunny, sexier than the Consort. The other thing that captured the Spectre's attention was the pair of deep blue eyes that ensnared her with their mesmerizing tranquility the moment they locked onto hers. In quiet moments such as this – when their eyes lingered on each other a bit longer than necessary – Shepard felt the uncomfortable, yet oddly exciting sensation of her stomach dropping into oblivion.

"Commander!" Ashley said as she set down two plates of assorted Christmas cookies on the dining table. "You're just the person we've been looking for."

Shaken out of her reverie, Shepard scowled and turned toward the Gunnery Chief. "What a coincidence, I was looking for you, too. What the hell is on my ship's hull?"

Immediately, Ashley's stance became a little straighter and her face more stoic. "It's just a little Christmas spirit, ma'am. To raise the crew's morale while we're docked at the Citadel."

Dr. Chakwas stepped forward and added, "It's the dreadful bane of the holiday, Commander – the crew misses their families. The colorful decorations and revelry help them feel less isolated while out in the middle of space. Being reminded of the spirit of goodwill has the unique ability to make everyone feel more connected to home."

"We were just trying to help," Kaidan said, stepping near the three women so he didn't have to shout. "Add a little levity to our lives for a day or two. Chasing Saren has really taken its toll on everyone, Commander." Feeling as though he was a kid who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he mumbled, "I'll make sure the antlers and red nose are removed before we leave space dock."

"See that you do," Shepard said curtly. Then she groused under her breath, so no one else could hear, "Santa has little elf helpers and I get holiday minions."

In an attempt to forget her annoyance, the Spectre's eyes searched across the room for Liara's, but the Asari had already turned her gaze to the floor. A disappointed sigh escaped the red head's lips.

"Alright, since we're all here," Ashley said, raising her voice to address the group, "we need to figure out a way to choose our Secret Santas." The Chief had explained the finer points of the gift giving ritual to the non-humans while the commander was in her meeting with the Citadel Council.

A "kill me now" groan emanated from the commander as her right hand palmed her face and her body sank to a seated position on a bench near the dining table.

Tali looked up from behind the still, the lights were now blue and appeared to be racing around her body. "I could build a random name generator."

Frowning slightly, Liara turned her head toward the group, flipping the tail of her hat behind her shoulder, and asked, "Would it not be more prudent to match complimentary people to make the gift giving less difficult?"

Garrus piped in. "This can be solved with calibration and numbers. I've got nine numbers in my head and nine letters. You tell me the number and I'll tell you the matching letter."

"Turian numbers and letters?" Tali asked. "It can't be Krogan, their alphabet doesn't go that high."

Wrex grunted in a challenging tenor. "Krogan focus on bloodshed not prose! No one complained about that when the Rachni were destroying your colonies."

"Or we could use the toothpick method," Joker said, avoiding the Krogan's declaration. He had hobbled over to the cookies and was currently in the process of eating a sugar cookie cut in the shape of a bell. "I'll size nine pairs of toothpicks, everyone gets one size and everyone else picks to match."

"Then you lose the 'secret' part of this," Ashley pointed out.

"You're always so picky. Picky, picky, picky!"

As the group began to argue over the best method of selection, Shepard looked over at Dr. Chakwas and rolled her eyes. Sighing ruefully, the older woman shook her head, walked into her med bay and opened up her desk drawer. While she wrote everyone's name on small, individual pieces of paper, the Spectre paced briskly over to her storage locker.

Liara asked, "Are the letters sequential or the numbers sequential?"

"Both are sequential," said Garrus. "We'll go in order from oldest to youngest."

"Ten," Wrex said, knowing no one in this room could outmaneuver him, even in the age department.

Ashley huffed. "There is no ten."

"'A' through 'I' and one through nine," Garrus said, trying to be helpful.

The Krogan Battlemaster crossed his arms defiantly in front of his chest. "Ten."

The med bay doors swooshed open and Chakwas reentered the mess hall with the slips of paper in hand. She walked over to Shepard who had retrieved her environmental helmet and let the slips of paper fall into the protective headgear.

The Spectre cleared her throat to interrupt the group discussion, holding up her helmet which now had all the names in it. "Pick a name," she said, "and if you get your own, put it back in."

Liara looked surprised. "Oh, that could work, too."

"Yeah," said Garrus, "that's good."

Nodding her head, Ashley agreed, "Good idea, Skipper."

Smiling sarcastically, Shepard said, "That's why I get paid the big bucks, Chief."

The commander proceeded to make her way around the room until everyone had taken a name from the helmet, leaving only one slip of paper for her. She captured the lone scrap and looked at the name: Garrus.

"Great," she thought, "I've got two days to figure out what a Turian would like for Christmas. The way he's eating those berries… maybe another wreath."

While the Spectre returned the helmet to her locker, the rest of the crew began chatting and sampling the eggnog and Christmas cookies – except for Garrus and Tali. Their biology was different from the rest of the crew which limited their ability to share in the holiday fare.

"I almost forgot," Alenko said, after spying the Turian and Quarian standing without a cookie or drink in hand. He stepped over to the kitchenette and knelt down in front of a locked door and then punched a security code into the keypad. When he stood, he handed a large plate of cookies to Garrus and two drink pouches to Tali. "Courtesy of the Normandy Christmas fund. Dextro-protein based food and drink. The shop on the Citadel didn't have anything that resembled Christmas shaped cookies – space ships were all they had."

"Oh look," Tali squealed, "if we arrange them just so…" The Quarian spread all of the cookies out on the counter-top. "…it will resemble the Flotilla!"

Garrus looked at the scene before him, picked up four of the cookies, took a bite out of each of them and then returned them to their positions on the table. "There. That's more accurate."

The Quarian looked at the broken cookies and sighed. "I suppose you are right, Vakarian." Then she slugged him hard in the arm.

Dr. Chakwas, Joker and Ashley had gathered near the Christmas tree in the corner of the room admiring its beauty. Although it was a fake fir tree, the scent coming off of it smelled the same a real one.

The pilot took a tentative sip from his engineered eggnog, nodded his head in approval and then took another long swig. "What Santa Claus is supposed to do is impossible."

"He keeps a list. Checks it twice," Ashley replied. "What's the big deal?"

"There is no way possible he could deliver all of those presents in one night!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," the Chief said, sounding bored. "But if you rearrange 'Secret Santa', you get 'Secret Satan'."

"How is that relevant to what I am saying?"

"It's not. It's just more interesting."

Joker shot the soldier a disparaging look and then continued on his rant. "On Earth alone, in order to be possible, Santa would have to park his sleigh, unload presents, fill stockings, eat snacks, get back into his sleigh and onto the next house in about 1/1000th of a second!"

Chakwas glanced at the pilot with subtle amusement in her eyes and then took a hearty sip from her cup of green eggnog. "Do we have to go over this every year, Jeff?"

"With the weight of the presents and the speed that he'd need to travel in the open sleigh, the jolly guy would face G forces over 17000 Gs! That's like 3,000 times the speed of sound. Which is totally cool, but crazy and impossible! He'd be nothing more than a splat on the back of his sleigh. Kids have to be stupid to believe that!"

"First of all," the silver-haired doctor chided, "let me suggest to you that young children are not stupid, they are just children. Second, and I say this on the highest authority, Santa… is magic."

"Maybe the big guy is slipping people magic mushrooms to make them believe he could travel that fast," the pilot muttered. "And that's not even considering all of the planetary colonies he supposedly visits or the fact that reindeer can't fly."

"What was that, Mr. Moreau?" Chakwas said, her right hand cupping her ear as though trying to catch an elusive sound. "I didn't quite hear you."

"Nothing, Doc," he grumbled waving her off, "Magic. Sure. That explains it all. Even the red-nosed reindeer and the island of misfit toys."

After securing her locker, the Spectre's gaze spanned across the room and caught sight of Liara staring intently at one of the plates of cookies that Ashley brought. Shepard crossed the distance to the Asari and stared at the same plate trying to figure out what was so fascinating.

"Nice hat," she said.

Liara glanced at the red-haired woman, self-consciously capturing the end of the dragon's tail and rubbing it nervously between her fingertips. "Thank you."

"Let me guess, you watched Chakwas' holiday video and got inspired like the rest of the crew."

The Asari's brow furrowed in confusion. "Holiday vid?" Shaking her head, she said, "No, Commander, I saw no such helpful tutorial."

Now it was Shepard's turn to be confused. "Then how did you come up with the hat?"

"I researched traditional human winter clothing on the extranet," the Asari stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that explains it," the Spectre said, clearly amused. "Now all you need is an antique toboggan and you'll be the fastest Asari on the slopes."

"Is this not proper holiday attire?" Liara questioned, a purplish blush slowly spreading across her cheeks indicating her growing embarrassment. "Chief Williams assured me… I had my doubts, but all my research-"

Shepard quickly raised both of her hands, interrupting the Asari's flustered rant. "What? No! You look great! The hat is perfect!" Even though that hat was a little over the top considering they were indoors, she couldn't bring herself to take advantage of the researcher's faux pas regarding human customs. Plus, the Asari was even more adorable when she was discombobulated. "And it matches your outfit." The green and white dragon tail was an identical shade to the researcher's familiar green and white jumpsuit.

"I tried wearing the customary red outfit," Liara admitted, "Joker called it a Santa suit, but it was too warm and made me sneeze. Dr. Chakwas thinks I may be allergic to the fur trim."

Shepard stared at the Asari with a slack-jawed expression, imagining her in only black boots, white fur...and the green and white dragon tail hat. Now that would be a Christmas present to wish for.

After a few moments, she shook herself out of fantasy land, then noticed that Liara had turned her attention back to the cookies on the table. Clearing her throat, she asked, "Trying to figure out which one will be tastier?" Her mouth watered involuntarily as more fantasy images flashed through her mind.

"My research indicates that Christmas has its roots in the human pagan festival of Saturnalia," the researcher stated as she turned her head to face the commander, "which is traditionally celebrated by intoxication, naked singing and the consumption of those human-shaped biscuits."

"Actually, they're called gingerbread cookies." Winking playfully at the Asari, the Spectre added, "But the naked singing sounds interesting."

The researcher smiled as blue eyes locked onto green for what seemed like a pleasurable eternity, but then her soft gaze shifted into a hesitant expression. "Commander, may I ask you a question?"

Shrugging her shoulder noncommittally, Shepard said, "Sure. Why not?"

"You do not seem to be enjoying the festivities as much as the others."

"What? No. They're great," the human said through a forced smile. "Really."

The Asari remained silent, her eyes studying the woman before her… who was obviously lying.

Seeing that her contrived answer was less than believable Shepard released a long sigh, raking her fingers through her short, tousled red hair. Finally, she admitted, "Christmas has never been a favorite holiday of mine."

Furrowing her brow, Liara said, "May I ask why?"

The Spectre started to reply, but looked around the crowded room and stopped. "Ask me some other time."

Liara nodded her head in understanding. "Is there anything you do like about it?"

"I like Frosty the Snowman."

"Oh!" the Asari exclaimed excitedly. "That is the song about a snowman who came to life by the placement of a magical hat found by some children."

Shepard smiled at the researcher's factual assessment. "Yes, that's the one."

"The children and snowman share some playful adventures before he has to – as the song says – 'hurry on his way'."

"Exactly."

Taking on a logical tone, the researcher explained, "That is most likely a quaint reference to melting, and the ephemeral nature of snowmen."

"You've really put some serious thought into this song."

"On the contrary, Commander, it is just a logical deduction."

"Not for most."

Liara moved over to the still, filled a mug and then stared at the dark green liquid as though debating its palatability. "I find that I am disturbed by the ending though."

"How so?" the Spectre asked. Following behind the Asari, she refilled her own mug.

Turning back around to face the human, Liara explained, "At the end of their adventures together, the children are saddened by Frosty's leaving, however, he reassures them by exclaiming, 'I will be back again someday.' It is unclear as to whether or not he upholds this promise, leaving the song on… as you humans say… a cliffhanger."

Shepard laughed out loud. "Don't worry," she said reassuringly. "He comes back. There's even a vid about it."

"Truly?" The Asari's blue eyes were wide in astonishment.

"I'll make sure it finds its way to you before the end of the night."

"Thank you, Commander."

"Anytime, Doctor."

The Asari glanced shyly at the Spectre and then took a long drink from her cup. Breathing in deeply, as though gathering her courage, she blurted out, "Shepard?"

The Spectre tilted her head in curiosity causing short strands of hair to fall softly around her ears accentuating their natural amber highlights. "Yes?"

"There is something I would like to show you. I – ah – I think it may improve your holiday mood."

Her interest immediately piqued, the human said, "Oh?"

"But it is in the shuttle bay. Do you have time to go down there?"

"Sure, Liara. Give me a few minutes to get out of this armor, then I'll be right with you."

"You do not need to change," the Asari said as she nervously bit her lower lip while twirling the end of her hat between her fingers. "Just meet me there in ten minutes."

Intrigued, the Spectre replied, "Okay. See you in a few."

Next up: Chapter 2