I shifted slightly on my bed, rolling over on my side to stare out my window. Nothing but darkness was outside, and the faint rustle of the wind through the trees. I could see small glowing spots of the moon through the leaves, but that was it.
I sighed and placed a hand under my pillow as I gazed out. The window was open and I could feel the breeze caress my face. I loved the peaceful nights that I had to myself. It gives me time to think and drift away from reality.
Its nice being able to get away from reality. Why? Because my life isn't all that perfect. Even since the digital world, I'm still alone.
I was alone from the beginning. Torn away from my brother at birth, wondering what it was that I was missing in my life. I knew something was wrong back then. But I never told anyone.
But now Kouichi is here and I wish he was gone. He intrudes on my privacy and constantly wants to be around me. I thought it would be nice to finally know my brother, but hes pushing it to far.
I hate the fact hes there every day all day, never leaving me alone. He takes the role as the older brother, says he just wants to protect me. I laugh at that. Iv been alone my whole life and I'm just fine. Now I close my own brother from my life. Still alone.
I don't have to be alone. Hell, I know plenty of people who would love for me to just say hello to them. Girls like Zoe are easily charmed. But it makes no difference. I'm not interested in them. They don't understand anything about me, even if they wanted to. But I prefer to keep my life to myself.
I guess iv closed myself off from everyone. . . because I was constantly being hurt by them. My father was never around. He didn't want anything to do with me really. He tried to act like a caring parent but he wasnt. I can see right through him. Eventually I wanted nothing to do with him either.
I could go down the list of people I despise and it would take days. So I wont even waste my time.
I have million reasons for doing so. The main one, is that everyone thinks they understand me. They try to be my friend when I don't want them to. They try to act like they know all about me when they don't. Like Takuya. He has a perfect life. Parents that love him, a little brother who idolizes him, friends that would die for him, and a life that doesn't breath down his neck.
Hmm. . . I have nothing like that. No one would die for me. My life will never stop stalking me. Loneliness will never go away.
Its drawn to me for some reason, it never stops following me. I cant get away from it. Its all around me and I'm trapped.
I turn away from the window and pull the covers over my shoulders as the wind grows colder. I hate the cold. Thats all I ever feel anymore, is this deep coldness inside of me.
I close my eyes and wait for sleep to take me away from this place. It's the only place where I can be free of all this. Where I feel absolutely nothing.
Sleep over took me without my knowing. And dreams filled my mind. Usually it was nightmares or a dreamless sleep, but this was different.
I sat on a stone carved bench, in a gazebo like structure, but like none I had seen. It was designed beautifully, white and blue roses growing on all sides. The marble floors beneath me glittering with the dew that hung in the night air, harboring the smell of flowers and damp leaves.
Trees and bushes surrounded me on the outside, while clouds loomed overhead hiding the moon. . . no, there were three moons. Like that of the digital world. This dream had never come to me before, so I waited. And watched as the mists came from the trees surrounding me. It came slowly, then faded slowly. And across from me, sat a dark figure.
Crimson eyes glowed in the mists as they sank back into my surroundings, and I watched it.
Before me sat the most unexpected person. Straw colored hair splayed across the black clothed shoulders and down his back.
He wore a tight dark shirt, that clung to his arms and chest, and black pants, and boots that came alittle below his knees. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he looked at me with blood glowing eyes.
A symbol glowed on his forearm. The symbol of Light.
His face appeared finally from the mist. Partially covered by the metallic mask he wore. Sculpted of a wolf, he looked somewhat dangerous. But I didn't feel fear as he watched me.
Lobomon. My spirit digimon. I recalled the first time I evolved into him. I blocked him out from joining with me completely, he tried to break down my defenses. He tried to join souls with me, but I never allowed it.
I tried so hard to block him out every time I called on his power. And I succeeded. But I failed also. I failed because I did succeed. I never had true power like the others. Because they trusted their digimon fully. And their digimon gave them power and loyalty in return.
I didn't have that with Lobomon. We eventually had come to a somewhat agreement. I let him in on my thoughts and plans. But nothing intimate.
He never knew me and I never knew him. We had a boundary between us that I wouldn't allow to be filled.
"Kouji-kun" He breathed, and I felt like I wanted to curl up fall into darkness. His voice wasnt femme, nor to deep. The faintest hint of a growl if you listened hard enough. His voice was perfect. . . But the way he spoke my name always made me feel like this.
I winced and looked away from him. I didn't like the way he was looking at me. He looked at me to many times like this. Almost seductively. I wanted to die, to feel the greatest pain in my life. Anything, anything at all to keep him from looking at me.
Even in my dreams he had the power to pry at my defenses. He was still, in some way trying to fully join with me.
I refused. I forced my will against his and locked gazes with him. My destiny was over. He no longer needed me, he was free. He didn't need to do this to me. Yet he insists on breaking me.
Why cant he just leave me alone?
"You don't have to be like this" He said to me.
"Go away" I whispered. "Just go away."
"Kouji-kun" He almost purred.
And I felt my insides crumble little by little. As if his claws were ripping away what was left of my heart.
"I know what its like to be alone. You showed me that pain when you blocked me out those few years ago. I know it hurts you Kouji-kun. I want to make you feel better."
More of me fell apart, I fought back the urge to fall down and cry.
"Go away." I whispered again, a whimper in my tone. And I hide farther behind my defenses.
He was slowly killing me. I could feel it all over. And all I could do was hide.
Lobomon came near me and knelt down before me, his warm hand gently touching my face.
"Why do you reject me?" he asked. And I heard pain in his voice now.
Pain. Make it stop. Just go away Lobomon! I wanted to cry. His gentle touch caused waves of pain inside of me. He was breaking through. My defenses were falling. No. . .
His hand caressed my cheek gently and reached back to loosen my ponytail, letting my hair flow down my back. He looked at me, like he was in aw.
"Being alone is a lie. You gain nothing from it. And you lose yourself completely."
He tilted his head up, and gently kissed my trembling lips. Fire burned me to the core. "Let me in Kouji-kun. Please." He whispered in my ear.
And I fell down into his arms and sobbed. I felt everything inside of me die. Everything I tried to protect. Everything I had fought so hard to keep. Gone.
All there was was tears. Tears from my heart and soul. From pain and grief. Blood tears.
I felt him inside of me. And I felt him. He knew everything now. He could feel everything inside of me, and I was humiliated. So I just cried.
I felt him reach into my soul, and there was nothing but warmness. There was no longer coldness inside of me. I felt him wrap around my soul. Protecting me. Blocking the coldness out.
He had forced his way in, and bonded with my soul. And there was nothing I could do.
His arms around me held me tightly against him. My face pressed to his upper chest. One arm around his neck, the other pressed against his heart. I could feel his heart beat, I could hear it. A gentle rhythm that soothed my pain filled sobs. I felt strange, like I wasnt even in my own body. And then I heard my own heart beat. Beating frantically and painfully. Then I heard his again.
And the rhythm became one.
I then entered him, as he had me. I could feel his soul and I reached toward it. I heard his gasp, as both of us were joined together completely, one soul, one mind. My fingers clasped his shirt and I began to shake.
No.
No.
No.
It came with every beat of our heart.
No.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
I could feel this was right. The pain lessened inside of me. And I let the warmness take over. I no longer had the strength to fight him. Not that I could anymore. He had shattered me. Broken me into shreds. There was no longer anything left worth fighting for.
His hand stroked back my hair then touched my cheek again, and slowly tilted my head upward and kissed me ever so lightly.
"Are you alright Kouji-kun?" He whispered into my ear.
"No."I whimpered slightly.
"Do you still reject me?" There was a soft nipping at my ears then down my neck.
A gasp escaped my lips.
"No."
"Do you want to be alone?"He asked.
"No!" I didnt expect this reaction from me. A pleading cry in my voice.
No.
No, I don't want to be alone anymore.
I lifted my face and I was met with those velvety lips, so soft and gentle. His seductive touches and gentle whispers of reassurance made me beg for more. My lips parted and his tongue gently prodded its way in. So sweet tasting, I moaned into his mouth. A soft betraying moan I hadn't intended.
His hand curled around my neck, pulling me closer, deepening the kiss further. And I let him. Enjoying every feel and taste of him. I burned inside and pleaded for more as he pulled away to breath.
He pressed his thumb to my bottom lip and nipped at my lower neck. "Your exhausted Kouji-kun. Sleep." he whispered.
And I did. Never leaving the security of his arms. I felt him there. Silent and calm. But he was there none the less. Watching me and protecting me always. I wasnt alone.
And I wasnt betrayed, nor bothered by him. Just a warm calmness over me.
He was there.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Yes, just a story im working on while I suffer writers block. I have seriously been trying to write the next chapter to How I Am, but nothing seems to work. Even with the help of TakuyaAgnimon, I am still blank. So gimmi a while please? *begs* Don't give up on me! I promise my writers block will go away. . . soon hopefully.
I may continue this, I dunno. . . suggestions?
I sighed and placed a hand under my pillow as I gazed out. The window was open and I could feel the breeze caress my face. I loved the peaceful nights that I had to myself. It gives me time to think and drift away from reality.
Its nice being able to get away from reality. Why? Because my life isn't all that perfect. Even since the digital world, I'm still alone.
I was alone from the beginning. Torn away from my brother at birth, wondering what it was that I was missing in my life. I knew something was wrong back then. But I never told anyone.
But now Kouichi is here and I wish he was gone. He intrudes on my privacy and constantly wants to be around me. I thought it would be nice to finally know my brother, but hes pushing it to far.
I hate the fact hes there every day all day, never leaving me alone. He takes the role as the older brother, says he just wants to protect me. I laugh at that. Iv been alone my whole life and I'm just fine. Now I close my own brother from my life. Still alone.
I don't have to be alone. Hell, I know plenty of people who would love for me to just say hello to them. Girls like Zoe are easily charmed. But it makes no difference. I'm not interested in them. They don't understand anything about me, even if they wanted to. But I prefer to keep my life to myself.
I guess iv closed myself off from everyone. . . because I was constantly being hurt by them. My father was never around. He didn't want anything to do with me really. He tried to act like a caring parent but he wasnt. I can see right through him. Eventually I wanted nothing to do with him either.
I could go down the list of people I despise and it would take days. So I wont even waste my time.
I have million reasons for doing so. The main one, is that everyone thinks they understand me. They try to be my friend when I don't want them to. They try to act like they know all about me when they don't. Like Takuya. He has a perfect life. Parents that love him, a little brother who idolizes him, friends that would die for him, and a life that doesn't breath down his neck.
Hmm. . . I have nothing like that. No one would die for me. My life will never stop stalking me. Loneliness will never go away.
Its drawn to me for some reason, it never stops following me. I cant get away from it. Its all around me and I'm trapped.
I turn away from the window and pull the covers over my shoulders as the wind grows colder. I hate the cold. Thats all I ever feel anymore, is this deep coldness inside of me.
I close my eyes and wait for sleep to take me away from this place. It's the only place where I can be free of all this. Where I feel absolutely nothing.
Sleep over took me without my knowing. And dreams filled my mind. Usually it was nightmares or a dreamless sleep, but this was different.
I sat on a stone carved bench, in a gazebo like structure, but like none I had seen. It was designed beautifully, white and blue roses growing on all sides. The marble floors beneath me glittering with the dew that hung in the night air, harboring the smell of flowers and damp leaves.
Trees and bushes surrounded me on the outside, while clouds loomed overhead hiding the moon. . . no, there were three moons. Like that of the digital world. This dream had never come to me before, so I waited. And watched as the mists came from the trees surrounding me. It came slowly, then faded slowly. And across from me, sat a dark figure.
Crimson eyes glowed in the mists as they sank back into my surroundings, and I watched it.
Before me sat the most unexpected person. Straw colored hair splayed across the black clothed shoulders and down his back.
He wore a tight dark shirt, that clung to his arms and chest, and black pants, and boots that came alittle below his knees. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he looked at me with blood glowing eyes.
A symbol glowed on his forearm. The symbol of Light.
His face appeared finally from the mist. Partially covered by the metallic mask he wore. Sculpted of a wolf, he looked somewhat dangerous. But I didn't feel fear as he watched me.
Lobomon. My spirit digimon. I recalled the first time I evolved into him. I blocked him out from joining with me completely, he tried to break down my defenses. He tried to join souls with me, but I never allowed it.
I tried so hard to block him out every time I called on his power. And I succeeded. But I failed also. I failed because I did succeed. I never had true power like the others. Because they trusted their digimon fully. And their digimon gave them power and loyalty in return.
I didn't have that with Lobomon. We eventually had come to a somewhat agreement. I let him in on my thoughts and plans. But nothing intimate.
He never knew me and I never knew him. We had a boundary between us that I wouldn't allow to be filled.
"Kouji-kun" He breathed, and I felt like I wanted to curl up fall into darkness. His voice wasnt femme, nor to deep. The faintest hint of a growl if you listened hard enough. His voice was perfect. . . But the way he spoke my name always made me feel like this.
I winced and looked away from him. I didn't like the way he was looking at me. He looked at me to many times like this. Almost seductively. I wanted to die, to feel the greatest pain in my life. Anything, anything at all to keep him from looking at me.
Even in my dreams he had the power to pry at my defenses. He was still, in some way trying to fully join with me.
I refused. I forced my will against his and locked gazes with him. My destiny was over. He no longer needed me, he was free. He didn't need to do this to me. Yet he insists on breaking me.
Why cant he just leave me alone?
"You don't have to be like this" He said to me.
"Go away" I whispered. "Just go away."
"Kouji-kun" He almost purred.
And I felt my insides crumble little by little. As if his claws were ripping away what was left of my heart.
"I know what its like to be alone. You showed me that pain when you blocked me out those few years ago. I know it hurts you Kouji-kun. I want to make you feel better."
More of me fell apart, I fought back the urge to fall down and cry.
"Go away." I whispered again, a whimper in my tone. And I hide farther behind my defenses.
He was slowly killing me. I could feel it all over. And all I could do was hide.
Lobomon came near me and knelt down before me, his warm hand gently touching my face.
"Why do you reject me?" he asked. And I heard pain in his voice now.
Pain. Make it stop. Just go away Lobomon! I wanted to cry. His gentle touch caused waves of pain inside of me. He was breaking through. My defenses were falling. No. . .
His hand caressed my cheek gently and reached back to loosen my ponytail, letting my hair flow down my back. He looked at me, like he was in aw.
"Being alone is a lie. You gain nothing from it. And you lose yourself completely."
He tilted his head up, and gently kissed my trembling lips. Fire burned me to the core. "Let me in Kouji-kun. Please." He whispered in my ear.
And I fell down into his arms and sobbed. I felt everything inside of me die. Everything I tried to protect. Everything I had fought so hard to keep. Gone.
All there was was tears. Tears from my heart and soul. From pain and grief. Blood tears.
I felt him inside of me. And I felt him. He knew everything now. He could feel everything inside of me, and I was humiliated. So I just cried.
I felt him reach into my soul, and there was nothing but warmness. There was no longer coldness inside of me. I felt him wrap around my soul. Protecting me. Blocking the coldness out.
He had forced his way in, and bonded with my soul. And there was nothing I could do.
His arms around me held me tightly against him. My face pressed to his upper chest. One arm around his neck, the other pressed against his heart. I could feel his heart beat, I could hear it. A gentle rhythm that soothed my pain filled sobs. I felt strange, like I wasnt even in my own body. And then I heard my own heart beat. Beating frantically and painfully. Then I heard his again.
And the rhythm became one.
I then entered him, as he had me. I could feel his soul and I reached toward it. I heard his gasp, as both of us were joined together completely, one soul, one mind. My fingers clasped his shirt and I began to shake.
No.
No.
No.
It came with every beat of our heart.
No.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
I could feel this was right. The pain lessened inside of me. And I let the warmness take over. I no longer had the strength to fight him. Not that I could anymore. He had shattered me. Broken me into shreds. There was no longer anything left worth fighting for.
His hand stroked back my hair then touched my cheek again, and slowly tilted my head upward and kissed me ever so lightly.
"Are you alright Kouji-kun?" He whispered into my ear.
"No."I whimpered slightly.
"Do you still reject me?" There was a soft nipping at my ears then down my neck.
A gasp escaped my lips.
"No."
"Do you want to be alone?"He asked.
"No!" I didnt expect this reaction from me. A pleading cry in my voice.
No.
No, I don't want to be alone anymore.
I lifted my face and I was met with those velvety lips, so soft and gentle. His seductive touches and gentle whispers of reassurance made me beg for more. My lips parted and his tongue gently prodded its way in. So sweet tasting, I moaned into his mouth. A soft betraying moan I hadn't intended.
His hand curled around my neck, pulling me closer, deepening the kiss further. And I let him. Enjoying every feel and taste of him. I burned inside and pleaded for more as he pulled away to breath.
He pressed his thumb to my bottom lip and nipped at my lower neck. "Your exhausted Kouji-kun. Sleep." he whispered.
And I did. Never leaving the security of his arms. I felt him there. Silent and calm. But he was there none the less. Watching me and protecting me always. I wasnt alone.
And I wasnt betrayed, nor bothered by him. Just a warm calmness over me.
He was there.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Yes, just a story im working on while I suffer writers block. I have seriously been trying to write the next chapter to How I Am, but nothing seems to work. Even with the help of TakuyaAgnimon, I am still blank. So gimmi a while please? *begs* Don't give up on me! I promise my writers block will go away. . . soon hopefully.
I may continue this, I dunno. . . suggestions?