Arriving back in the Enchanted Forrest after living in Storybrooke for so long is strange and overwhelming. Gone is her modern clothing, and she's back in her red and cream frock, complete with basket. The material feels heavy and awkward from no longer being used to it. She spins around, trying to make sense of everything. She spots Granny and Snow and Charming … everyone is here. Everyone is safe. Regina succeeded in stopping Pan's curse.
And then Archie comes toward her, flying on tiny wings.
She almost screams, almost breaks down in tears as he alights in the form of a small bug on her shoulder. But she somehow manages to hold it all in. Everyone is disoriented. Everyone is confused. Breaking down would only make things worse. Archie the cricket is chirping in her ear, and she wishes he wouldn't because it's all just too much.
Aurora and Philip are nearby, and she tries to focus on that. She can't hear what they and Snow and Charming are talking about, but it doesn't matter. They are faces she hasn't seen in a long time, and she focuses on them, trying to forget momentarily that the love of her life is no longer beside her in the same capacity he had once been.
With Snow and Charming's castle having been destroyed by the curse, the decision is made to make the trek to Regina's castle. It's not too long of a journey, but the monotony of being on the road makes it impossible for her to distract herself from her thoughts, from the insect riding her shoulder.
She can't help but realize that as long as he's in this form, they will never talk, never touch, never kiss. He'll never hold her in his arms, never tell her he loves her. She has to remind herself to get a grip as her thoughts and emotions are about to overwhelm her. She cannot break down. She cannot.
All the things they used to do together … a million images pass through her mind of the two of them – walking, laughing, sitting on the couch, enjoying dinner, playing with Pongo, cashing each other around the apartment … things she will never be able to do with him again.
She brings a hand to her mouth and stifles a sob that causes her to stumble. Granny is there, and she takes her arm. "Are you all right, dear?"
She regains her balance and charges forward. "I'm fine." She can't focus on her own pain right now. Everyone is in pain. It wouldn't be right for her to call attention to herself.
Archie chirps in her ear. Perhaps he means to be encouraging or soothing, but all it does is cause her more grief in the fact that she just doesn't know what he's trying to say.
"Don't talk," she tells him, and he falls silent.
They keep walking, and she decides to focus on her feet, just watching herself take one step after another. It's hypnotizing in a way, and as long as she doesn't let her mind wonder she can lose herself in the thud of her feet. But it still doesn't distract her from the pain she feels. It's like a dull ache in her chest, pounding with each step she takes. It's helpful for hypnotic effect to follow the rhythm, but the pain doesn't leave.
It gets worse when the party has to stop because Regina has gone missing. Snow goes off to find her, and Ruby has nothing to focus on while everyone stands around waiting. A part of her just wants to sit down and cry, but she can't do it here, not in front of everyone. That wouldn't be right. So instead, she just leans against one of the horses and buries her face in the cloth of one of its saddle packs. She doesn't let the tears come, though. She has to be alone for that. But burring her face helps somewhat, like she can pretend she's alone even though she knows she isn't.
Jiminy chirps at her, and she actually shoos him away with her hand.
Granny comes by again to see if she's okay, and Ruby insists she'll be fine as long as they reach the castle. And it's true. She just needs a moment to herself and the opportunity to let out everything that's bottled up inside. She needs a space where she doesn't have to be strong and she can just let it all go. But here, on the road, isn't it.
At length, Regina and Snow reappear, and Ruby finds some brief distraction from her grief in the strangers they have brought with them. She listens, along with the rest of the traveling group, while Snow explains Robin Hood and his men just saved her and Regina from some strange winged creature. Danger has become a regular thing in everyone's lives recently, and while this new "monster" piques Ruby's interest, it's only for a moment before she's reminded of her pain again.
As the group continues on, Robin and his men along with them, she wonders if she's being self-centered. Snow and Charming just lost their daughter. Regina lost Henry. Belle and Neal lost Rumpelstiltskin. Everyone lost their previous lives they had built in Storybrooke. No one seems as broken down as her – no one except the Evil Queen, and Ruby doesn't want to be compared with her.
But then, Snow and Charming have to lead the group, have to keep moral up and make sure everyone is safe and rested. They have a task to perform, one that requires all of their attention and that can distract from the pain they undoubtedly carry at the loss of their daughter. And she'd heard Neal and Belle talking earlier. They seem to believe they can bring Rumple back, that he isn't gone for good. They have hope and a plan of action, something to keep them going and help push the pain aside. Everyone else … they might be confused and disoriented, but they haven't lost their loved ones.
The only person who seems to be experiencing the same pain as herself and doesn't have a distraction is Regina. And as she witnesses Snow trying to comfort her, Ruby realizes she shouldn't begrudge her own heartache. It is legitimate, and it does deserve time to run its course. That knowledge comforts her a little, but not much. The pain still hurts. The fact that Archie isn't with her - can't be with her - not in the same capacity he used to, still hurts. And the fact that she doesn't feel she can explain that pain to the insect riding on the horse beside her (because even if she did, she wouldn't understand his response and his chirps or gestures would offer no comfort - the complete opposite of how things used to be), hurts even more.
At length, cries are taken up as the group realizes they're close to their destination, and even Ruby feels her heart lighten. At last she'll have a place to rest, an opportunity to get away from everyone, to take care of her grief in privacy. But her relief is short lived as its discovered there's some kind of barrier keeping them from drawing close.
She nearly cries out in frustration, but she keeps it together as Robin offers them all shelter at his camp. She can't wait till this journey is finally over.
It's a relief when they finally make it to camp. She and Granny drop their supplies in a selected spot. And as Granny begins to lay out blankets, Ruby announces she is going to the river.
"With those winged monkeys flying around?!" Granny protests.
"Robin said it's just on the edge of camp," Ruby tells her, not slowing her pace. "I'll be fine." They had run into one of those winged monkeys on the road, and they certainly seemed dangerous, but she doesn't much care at the moment. She just needs to be alone.
But her wishes are not to be honored, it seems, because Jiminy joins her. She groans inwardly and tries to ignore him because she's torn between screaming and crying, and she just can't deal with him right now. She steps to the water's edge, quickly removes her clothing, and runs in.
The water is cool and refreshing, providing her with the relief she needs, however briefly. She drops her head under the water and wonders how long she can stay in that cool oblivion before resurfacing. She manages for a while, but has to come up eventually. And when she does, she finds the pain has been numbed a little, though it hasn't passed.
She's brought nothing to wash with, but she finds a smooth stone along the river bed and rubs it against her skin. A buzzing of wings causes her to look up, and she notices as Jiminy situates himself by the water's edge and dips his tiny "hands" in the water, starting his own washing. Ruby can remember the times when they'd bathed together and washed each other. This time is obviously very different from then. She wonders if he's thinking of those times now. Does he miss being a man, miss being able to touch her? Is he even thinking of her in that way? Can crickets have such thoughts?
She can remember her time as a wolf. Even though she was able to retain much of her human mind, the desires of the wolf were still present: she'd want to run, to howl, to taste raw meat. What did crickets want? Could Jiminy want her as a cricket in the same sense Archie could as a man?
Ruby shakes her head and turns away from him. Her thoughts are too depressing to think about, though she can't block them. They weigh on her heavily as though someone she loved has died. And in way, she realizes, that's exactly what has happened. Archie is no longer with her. He's Jiminy now, and she doesn't know how much of the man she knew and loved is present within that small insect. Part of her, though she hates to acknowledge it, doubts there's much there at all.
Eventually, she removes herself from the water and redresses. But instead of heading back into the camp, she skirts around it, heading into the woods. She can hear the sound of Jiminy's wings behind her.
"Don't follow me," she says without the turning around, and the sound of his wings drop off.
She just needs some space to herself, some quiet spot of her own. She goes into the woods far enough that she's sure no one can hear her, and she finally lets her frustrations go. She sits on a tree stump, puts her face in her hands, and sobs for the love of a man she's certain she has lost until she has no recollection of how long she's been there.
This story is a mini sequel to "Our Inner Demons," which you can find on my profile.