Author's Note: This fic has spoilers up to and including episode 7.05, "The Workplace Proximity." There are also some minor spoilers for the movie Gravity.
Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory is an American sitcom created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, and is produced by them along with Steve Molaro. It is a Warner Bros. production and airs on CBS. All characters, plots and creative elements derived from the source material belong exclusively to their respective owners. I, the author of the fan fiction, do not, in any way, profit monetarily from the story.
Pizza Night was coming to a close, and as the final morsels of pepperoni were being crammed into mouths, Raj made his move.
"Hey everybody," he said, rising and taking his position in front of the TV. "I have an announcement to make." His hands were clasped together, and he was smiling so hard, every tooth in his head was showing. Everyone lifted their heads and looked in his direction. "This weekend," he began, "will be a very special one for me. Anybody want to guess why?"
"No," Sheldon said and, already bored, resumed eating. Penny, Leonard and Amy were not quite so terse, but likewise made no effort to divine what he was referring to. The Wolowitzes snuck each other weary looks. After several moments of silence, Raj tried again.
"Anybody want a clue?" he asked.
"Look," Bernadette finally said, mustering as much compassion as she could, "we know that you've finally committed to losing those 'last ten pounds' you're always complaining about, but I still think that asking all of us to join you in a The Biggest Loser-viewing marathon is asking too much."
"Exactly, Bernie," Howard said, less sympathetic. "I mean, honestly, if I wanted to watch a show with women trotting around in a bra and panties—" He caught Bernadette's eyes—which were slicing him in half—then turned back to Raj. "I would never watch a show with women wearing just a bra and panties, Raj. Shame on you."
"I'm not talking about that," Raj said, "and, uh, thanks for the support." He shook his head, and then somehow managed to return to his previous glee. "What I'm talking about is a magical night of entertainment at the cinema followed by a weekend-long P-A-R-T-Y, if you know what I mean." He followed the enthusiastic statement with a hearty round of whooping and raising the roof.
"Yeah," Leonard said. "We still don't know what you mean."
"Fine," Raj said, with a sigh. "First off, Monday is Columbus Day, which means we are on the brink of the biggest three-day weekend of the year! I mean, Christopher Columbus? That dude is, like, the patron saint of India. That is, if we had saints. Which we don't. We have gods. Thousands of gods. Gods for animals, gods for foods, gods for plants, gods for famil—"
"We get it. India is the iTunes store of gods," Howard said.
"There's a god for that," Sheldon said. The quip earned him a round of laughs from the group. Always startled when he made a funny, he followed with his own trademark, gaspy laugh.
"You know what?" Raj said, his patience finally gone. "You guys are useless to me. But it's fine. I'll buy new friends. I'm rich, you know? I have Stuart on retainer."
"We're sorry, Raj," Penny said. "It's just that nobody in the US actually celebrates Columbus Day." She smiled a little, poking Leonard with her fork. "I mean, not since my Kindergarten class made little pilgrim hats out of construction paper. You should have seen me. I looked so cute with the little buckle in front."
"Wrong explorers," Leonard whispered in her ear. "Besides," he said, returning his attention to Raj, "the University doesn't even give us that day off from work."
"That's why I say we take the day off," Raj replied, gesturing emphatically on "take." He lowered the volume of his voice, leaned forward and cocked a single eyebrow. "Listen. How does this sound? We ditch Caltech, drive out to Chula Vista, go down to the marina, rent a yacht for the day and party like a mofo." He then began to dance, rocking from side to side and alternately lifting each knee while chanting the lyrics to "I'm on a Boat." "I'm ridin' on a dolphin doin' flips and shit. The dolphin's splashin' gettin' e'rybody all wet. But this ain't SeaWorld; this is real as it gets. I'm on a boat, motherfucker. Don't you ever forget." At the end of the performance, he threw his arms in the air. "Who's with me?"
Apparently no one was.
"Rajesh," Amy said, "while I am not strictly opposed to enjoying a day of inebriated maritime festivity, in a more enlightened age, Columbus is considered the European who set in motion what some might consider the cultural decimation and genocide of the indigenous peoples of the Americas."
"Oh c'mon," he said. "Give my man a break. He never killed anybody. And besides, this was the first White man who was so in love with my homeland that even when he got lost he just said, 'Whatever,' declared the island India and kept partying! You got to admit it: if India wasn't so badass, your asses would be back in England somewhere with bad teeth eating food that tastes like sandpaper."
"Actually," Sheldon said, finally turning his face up, "Cristoforo Colombo —as was his real name—never even went to India and thus knew absolutely nothing of how—quote unquote— 'badass' it was or was not. In fact, all evidence indicates he wasn't even the first European explorer to reach the Americas, and was beat by the Norse explorer Leif Ericson by 400 years."
Raj's shoulders dropped. "Man, you guys are a bunch of party crappers."
Howard winced. "It's 'party poopers.'"
"What's the difference?" Raj asked.
"Never mind," Penny said, rising and heading to the kitchen in search of a stiff drink. "The Columbus Day bash is out. What about this 'cinematic event' you were talking about?"
"Oh, right!" Raj said, newly enthused. "This weekend, Alfonso Cuarón and Warner Bros. Studios will unleash on the world a film that has three of my favorite things in the world: Astronomy, Sandra Bullock, and—drumroll please—Indian astronauts." He looked away wistfully, caught in reverie. "Can you imagine if the Indian actually saved Sandy's life?"
"Your fantasy material would be set for a year," Howard muttered.
"Guys," Raj continued, "if I've done the math correctly, and I believe I have—this movie will go down as my favorite film of all time."
"Better than Wrath of Khan?" Leonard asked.
"Yep."
"Better than Legally Blonde?" Howard asked.
"Definitely."
"Better than Raiders of the Lost Ark?" Penny asked, plopping back into her chair next to Leonard.
"Amy ruined that movie for us all," Sheldon said, cutting her a harsh look. Amy returned a smug one.
"It's not my fault you watch movies on a superficial level," she said.
"Amy!" Sheldon shot back. "The movie had a monkey in it. One simply doesn't defame a movie that has monkeys."
"GUYS!" Raj yelled, quelling the fray. "You already took Columbus Day away for me; don't take Sandy B from me too. Now—" He paused and took a deep breath. "Are you going with me to see Gravity or not?"
"Actually," Leonard said, "that movie looks pretty amazing."
"So does George Clooney," Penny said, taking a swig off her beer.
"I'm in," Howard said.
"Me too," Bernadette said.
"We're in!" Amy said excitedly.
"You can't speak for me, Amy," Sheldon said.
"So then you don't want to go?" she asked.
"Of course," he said. "You know be better than that."
"Great!" Raj said. "You're all going and, honestly, I thought you would, so..." He pulled a fistful of movie tickets out of his back pocket and started handing them out. "You guys owe me thirteen dollars apiece."
The following day, on his way to the 8:30 showing, Raj made a detour to pick-up Stuart from the comic book store right after closing. He jogged to the door just in time to see Dale locking up.
"Hey, Dale," he said. "Where's Stuart?"
"Oh," Dale said, nasal and timid as always. "He's not here."
"What do you mean he's not here? We're due to the movies in less than twenty minutes and I don't want to miss the previews for The Hobbit."
"Stuart left early today; he's sick."
"Man," Raj said, disappointed. "That sucks."
"Yeah," Dale said. "Especially since I think he gave me whatever he has." He then sneezed all over Raj. "Sorry about that."
"No, it's okay," Raj said. "I like being sprayed with infectious disease."
"Oh, good," Dale said, and walked off.
Raj was on the freeway rocking out to "Work Bitch" when he saw Amy's car whizz pass—in the opposite direction. He pushed a button on his dashboard, which also effectively muted the radio.
"Call Amy Farrah Fowler," he said. Several moments later, she spoke.
"Hello, Rajesh," she said.
"Amy!" he said, a trace of annoyance in his voice. "I just passed you on the highway, but you were headed in the wrong direction. We're going to the IMAX in Burbank."
"I know," she said, "but I'm afraid an emergency has come up."
"An emergency?" Raj said. "What kind of emergency?"
"An emergency of the most pressing kind," Sheldon answered.
"Sheldon?" Raj asked. "You're there with her?"
"Indeed I am, and this little lady is rushing me to what—if I've done the math correctly, and I always do—the greatest train enthusiasts event of my life."
"Trains?!" Raj yelled. "Are you kidding me?!"
"Indeed I am not," he answered. "Tobytown Model Trains and Miniature Landscapes Emporium is hosting an antique model train show that will rival any in the continental US. The first 50 at the door get a free, vintage train whistle, which is why Amy and I are in such a hurry. Toot toot!"
Raj shook his head in disbelief. "Thanks, guys," he said, downtrodden. "You're real friends."
"Awww," Sheldon cooed. "You too, buddy!"
Raj hung up.
By the time he was turning into the IMAX parking lot, Raj's mood had lifted considerably. Sure, his home slice Stuart wasn't coming, and Amy and Sheldon would be off in 'trainland,' but Leonard and Penny were still on board and his main dog Howard was coming with his girl, Bernadette. Besides, if Stuart was contagious, they were better off without him, and as far as Sheldon and Amy went—frankly, the movie would provide enough plot twists for one evening.
He was walking towards the building when his cell rang. He froze. The only people who ever called him should be inside finding seats. He slowly pulled the phone from his pocket, and his caller ID displayed exactly what he had dreaded: it was Leonard.
"I'm super sorry, Raj," he said, sounding more super than sorry, "but she had no clue she'd have to work tonight."
"Penny working has nothing to do with you coming," Raj said. "Seriously, dude, are you that whipped?"
"It has nothing to do with being 'whipped,'" Leonard said. "I'm just not going to the movies without my girlfriend."
"Since when?!" Raj blurted. "You went to go and see Smurfs 2 without Penny."
"Yeah, but we traded for that; she wouldn't force me go and drool over Will Smith in After Earth with her girlfriends if I wouldn't force her to see Smurfs 2 with you guys."
"Yeah, but Smurfs 2 sucked."
"So did After Earth. We've both learned our lessons."
"Come on," Raj pleaded. "Stuart isn't coming and neither are Sheldon and Amy. Don't leave me hanging, bro."
"Hold on," Leonard said, urgency in his voice. "You mean Sheldon isn't with you?"
"No," Raj said. "He and Amy went to some stupid train event. You see my point?"
"So you're saying I have the apartment to myself all evening?!" Leonard said with unmasked enthusiasm.
Raj's shoulders slumped. "Leonard, that's not the point."
"Babylon 5 marathon at my place!"
"You suck!" Raj said.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Leonard said. "Gotta go."
Once inside the movie theater, Raj was swept into the crowds that were overwhelming the lobby, and he was suddenly very glad he'd bought his tickets in advance. He muscled his way through the throngs of moviegoers to get to the snack counter, and—feeling a bit dejected—he was debating whether or not he should postpone the start of his diet to the following Monday when he spotted Howard and Bernadette. She was carrying a ginormous tub of popcorn with both arms.
"Hey guys!" he said, moving towards them. "Glad you two could make it. I should have known that my best friends would be the only ones to show up."
"I'm one of your best friends?" Bernie said, pleasantly surprised.
"Hey," Raj said, placing his hand over his heart, "the wife of my best friend is my best friend."
"Where's everyone else?" Howard asked, grabbing a handful of popcorn.
"Well," Raj said, reaching for some kernels himself, "Stuart is sick, Sheldon and Amy flew off to an 'emergency' train event, Penny had to work and Leonard's taking advantage of an empty apartment to marathon Babylon 5."
"Babylon 5 marathon!" Howard said, elated. "He's got the right idea." Raj glared at him. "Except that it's the wrong idea. So, so wrong."
"Yeah, well, my epic weekend is now lamer than a filly with a snapped tendon in the Belmont Stakes."
Howard squinted at Raj. "Equestrian allusions? Really?!"
"It's a gentleman's sport," he said. "You wouldn't get it."
"Look, Raj," Bernadette said, patting him on the arm. "I know you're disappointed that your plans didn't turn out like you hoped, be we'll still have a great time. Hey," she said, nodding her head to the left, "look in my pocket."
Raj reached in and pulled out a box of candy. "Junior Mints!" he said, clutching it with childish delight.
"You see?" Bernie said. "So, let's go in, find seats and enjoy our movie." She turned and headed to the theater. Raj started after her, but Howard stuck out his arm, holding his friend back a little.
"About you said earlier," he said, "you really didn't have to do that. Bernie's a big girl."
"I don't know what you mean?"
"About Bernadette being your 'best friend.'" He put "best friend" in air quotes, and then gave Raj a knowing look, with a little snort. "I can read between the lines on that one."
"What. Are. You. Talking. About. Dude?" Raj said.
"Look, I know you've always had a thing for my wife, and you definitely have that way of speaking the feminine language, but we all know that I'm your best friend."
"Howard, I got over Bernadette a long time ago. Besides, I didn't mean you aren't my best friend, I just meant—"
"No need for explanation," Howard interrupted. He leaned forward, but wasn't really whispering. "You know what? Between you and me, Bernadette is always a few seconds away from a temper tantrum. It's the Irish Catholic background. I say stuff I don't mean all the time just to keep that little fire cracker from blowing up."
"What was that?" Bernadette said. She was standing right behind him. Howard winced, gritting his teeth, then turned around slowly.
"Oh! Hi there, sweetie pie, love bunch, honey muffin," he said grinning and rubbing his hands together. "Did you find the seats?"
"Don't honey muffin me," Bernadette said. "I heard what you said."
"Said? What did I say?" He turned to Raj. "Did I say something?"
"As a matter of fact," Raj said, "you said, and I quote, 'I say stuff I don't mean all the time just to keep that little fire cracker from blowing up.'"
Howard glared at Raj. "You are dead to me," he growled.
"He's dead, huh?" Bernadette yelled. "Well, then I'm sure you'll get all his stuff because you're probably in his will. In fact, why don't you two get hitched, and make it official. Gay marriage is legal in our state now." She shoved the popcorn in Howard's arms and marched off.
Raj and Howard stared at each other a moment. "What the hell was that back there? You were supposed to have my back!"
"I did. Except that she was shooting daggers at your back. I couldn't risk getting caught in the crossfire."
Howard turned to where she was winding through the crowd and exhaled hard. "Do you think I should go after her?"
"Remember what happened last time?"
Howard's eyes expanded with terror. "Ber-nie! Ber-nie!" he hollered, running into the hordes. "Ber-nie!"
Raj held up the box of candy, screaming after him. "Take the Junior Mints! They're the most apologetic candy!"
Raj was used to being by himself a lot, but even so, there were three things he hated doing alone more than anything else: eating in a restaurant, shaving his back hair, and going to the movies. Sitting there in a dark theater—already out of Junior Mints and surrounded by strangers—he was tempted to just walk out and wait to enjoy the marvels of Sandra Bullock on DVD in the privacy of his own home. That's what he'd finally had to do with The Heat; no one appreciates female buddy movies. He was watching The Hobbit trailer and trying to place the voice of Smaug, when a women fumbled her way passed him, tripping on his shoe. She steadied herself by inadvertently putting her hand on his knee.
"Excuse me," she said, a smile in her voice. "I'm so clumsy, especially in the dark."
"I am too," Raj said eagerly, gripping her hand and helping her into the seat next to him. "I'm so clumsy that they could probably turn me into one of the Three Stooges. The clumsy one. The Indian one, um, Pandhari."
"You're Indian, Pandhari?" she said, leaning over to pick up something from the floor. Her ample hair continued to cover her face, but she was wearing a sleeveless, slim-fitting dress that—in the flickering light of the screen—showed off her toned arms and long, tanned legs.
"I am," he said, not even bothering to correct the misunderstanding.
She lifted her head—tossing her long, wavy, dark locks over her shoulder—to reveal a face so perfect in form and symmetry that it was worthy of the title of Miss India. "So am I," she said and, laughing a little, ducked her head down coyly. A single tendril fell over her eye.
It was then that Raj realized he was still holding her hand, and though he knew he should let go, he couldn't bring himself to. "What is your name?" he asked, breathless.
"Amrita," she said, her face settling into an inviting grin.
"Then, Amrita," Raj said, rallying his courage, "I hope you don't think I'm forward when I say this, but I am a lonely, though upright, man in search of a woman of your grace and beauty. I would love to take you out sometime to get to know you better."
Amrita just laughed again, and Raj nearly felt lightheaded at the sound. "Silly, Pandhari," she said. "We are already at the cinema. Consider this our first date."
A sparkle of light caught a fleck of brown in her eye, and Raj felt something electric pass between them. Her face grew more relaxed and her eyelids grew heavy. In spite of himself, Raj felt his head moving forward—bit by bit—until his face was a mere inch from her full, glossy, rose-colored lips. He was closing the distance between them when someone began tapping on his knee.
"Someone is tapping you," Amrita said.
"I know," Raj replied. "I'm ignoring it."
The tapping continued.
"Perhaps you should see what he wants," she said.
Raj shook his head. "I have a better idea," he said. "Kiss me."
They tried again, but the tapping only grew more persistent.
"Raj, get up," a voice said.
"Raj?" Amrita said. "But you told me your name was Pandhari!" She was clearly upset.
"No, actually I didn't. You see, it was one big mis—"
"I do not trust you," she said, hurt in her voice. "We are over." She grabbed her purse and stood.
"No, no, no," Raj said reaching for her.
"GET UP!" came more shouts. "We aren't sitting through the credits again for nothing."
"Credits?" Raj said; the film had barely started. He finally turned around to see a short, Jewish man in tight pants to his left.
"You're going to have to accept the fact that not every movie is a Marvel movie," he said.
"Wait!" Raj said, and turned back around...to see Stuart sitting where Amrita had been. "Where'd you come from?" he asked.
"The bathroom," Stuart explained, rubbing his stomach. "Chocolate milk, Pop Rocks and anti-depressants do not mix."
"Never mind that," Raj said, gesturing wildly. "Where is she?!" He was nearly frantic.
"Where is...who?" Stuart asked.
"The girl. Amrita. She was just here!"
"There was no girl," Howard said.
"Although," Stuart said, "that could explain why you were puckering your lips at me in your sleep. I figured you were dreaming about fish."
"Wait," Raj said, finally putting the pieces together. "I was...dreaming?"
"Yes," Howard said, then leaned forward, whispering, "and I finally have witnesses to the fact that you snore."
"Wait," Raj said, breathing more quickly by the second. "You knew I was asleep and didn't wake me up?"
"You looked so peaceful," Stuart said.
"Yeah," Howard said. "I didn't have the heart."
"ANY TIME THIS WEEK GUYS!" That was Sheldon calling from several feet away.
"Fine," Howard said. "Raj, if you won't move, then we're just going to have to cram past you." Thus began parade of hand-holding couples down the aisle and across Raj's toes: Howard and Bernadette, Leonard and Penny, Sheldon and Amy, and...Dale?
"What are you doing here?" Raj said, blinking rapidly and not sure if he was hallucinating.
"Stuart said I could come," he said in his famously whiny voice as he shuffled by.
They all continued down the steps and out of the theater door as Raj looked on dumbfounded. A full minute passed before he could collect himself enough to join them where they were congregated out in the hallway.
"I'm just glad you guys got to get a little taste of my life in space as an astronaut," Howard said, every word soaked in condescension.
"You can have space," Penny said. "That movie scared the crap out of me."
"Overall, though," Leonard said, "I think it was a pretty good film."
"It was," Amy said. "That is, if one ignores the fact that the Hubble Telescope, the International Space Station, and the Chinese station are in three completely different orbital planes." She snorted derisively. "Satellite debris, schmatellite debris."
"Amy," Bernadette said pleading. "Please don't ruin another movie for Sheldon. We all suffer."
"Oh, no," he said. "I'm with Amy on this one. The abundance of scientific inaccuracies in this film occasionally had me wondering if I was watching a comedy. Honestly, if a space suit were that easy to take on and off, it would have been ripped from her body during any one of the many times she was flung around on space equipment."
"Fine, fine," Stuart said, finally speaking up. "All you eggheads had problems with the science. But don't we all agree that Sandra Bullock was a-ma-zing?"
Unanimous statements of hearty agreement passed through the crowd.
"I dare say her performance puts her in serious running for an Academy Award," Sheldon said. Everyone nodded, agreeing.
Raj looked on at the conversation in disbelief. It was like he'd awoken from one nightmare into an even worse one. First, he'd had the harrowing idea that all his friends had abandoned him when they really hadn't, then he had met—and quickly lost—the woman of his dreams, only to then to discover he'd slept through a movie starring his favorite actress in an Oscar-worthy performance. It was all too horrible to be true.
"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" he blurted. Everyone turned towards him. "Sleeping through a Sandra Bullock movie is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!"
"Even worse than waking up before just before kissing a beautiful woman?" Howard asked.
"That happens all the time," Raj said. "The Sandy B thing is new."
"Anybody else hungry?" Penny asked.
"Actually, I'm ravenous, bestie," Amy said.
"Yeah, me too," Stuart said.
"What about Szechuan Palace?" Sheldon suggested.
"Let's try some place different—like Applebee's," Leonard said.
"Or how about Chili's?" Bernadette offered. "I'm related to the bartender. I think we could probably finagle some free drinks."
Everyone seemed to like that idea.
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Raj shouted, fighting his way into the middle of the group. "We're all going to march back in there and watch the movie again. They have another showing at 11:00."
"No way!" Penny said. "We are not watching that again."
"Yeah," Stuart said. "It was good, but not that good."
"Just come back and watch it again tomorrow," Leonard said.
Raj considered the idea. "Will you all come back and watch it with me?"
There was a chorus of "no's."
"I will," Dale said.
Raj looked at him, crestfallen. "Never mind."
"So, then Chili's?" Howard asked. Everyone nodded and begin to walk off.
"WAIT!" Raj said. Everyone paused. "I just have one more question: Did the Indian guy save the day?"
"No," Sheldon said with tactless efficiency. "He was killed off in the first ten minutes."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Raj screamed and dropped to the floor.
Everyone turned and went for the door as he wept into the carpet. Bernadette grabbed Howard's arm, spinning him around.
"What?"
"You can't just leave him here," Bernadette said.
"Why not?" Howard asked.
"Because he's your best friend."
"Yeah, well, he almost slept with Penny and she's leaving."
"Howie," Bernadette said, appealing to his humanity.
"Oh, alright," he said, and he and Bernadette each slipped a shoulder under Raj's arms, walking him to the door.
"Let's get you home," she said.
"Thank you Bernadette," Raj said. "I really appreciate it."
"You're welcome," she said.
"It's been a long time since I've felt the soothing touch of a woman's hand," he added.
She sighed. "I liked it better when he couldn't talk to women."
"We all did," Howard said. "We all did."
THE END