Not too long ago, a friend of mine who liked Sylvester and Tweety cartoons passed away. This fic is a dedication to her.
Standard Disclaimer: I do not own the LT characters. They are the trademarks of AOL Time-Warner, Inc.
(A/N: The name of the deceased has been changed in order to insure privacy, as well as to protect the innocent, a la "Dragnet".)
WHO KNEW HEAVEN WOULD BE LIKE THIS?
A Looney Tunes Fanfic by Anvil Andy
In Memory of Jane Johnson (1934-2006)
As a lovely young woman with her raven-black hair in a bun approached the gates of Heaven, she could hear a familiar tune being played on a harp.
To be more specific, it was the familiar strains of the LT Theme Song, "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down". She could not believe her ears.
The best was still yet to come, however. A sign on the gate depicting Bugs Bunny in a winged gown and halo which read, "You must be THIS Angelic to Enter" greeted her –
as did Bugs himself once the gates unlocked!
"Ehhhhhhhh, What's UP, Doctress?" Bugs asked, greeting the woman while chomping on his trademark carrot and shaking her hand. "Glad you could make it!"
"Bugs Bunny?" the woman surprisingly inquired. "You're a sight for sore eyes! I NEVER once DREAMED that YOU'D be in Heaven!"
"We're ALL here, Ms. Johaneson – "
"That's JOHNSON, Mr. Bunny; Jane Johnson, to be exact!" the woman corrected him.
"Sorry, I can't help it; it's me Brooklynese accent! Anyways, as I was sayin'," he continued, "we're ALL here! Daffy Duck – "
"Sheesh, after all the tricks I've played on you, I'm surprised I didn't go in the OPPOSITE direction!" the little black duck replied.
My thoughts exactly! Bugs thought to himself mischievously, then resumed introducing the gang. "Elmer Fudd – "
"Hewwo, Ms. Johnson; have you any speciaw wequests?" Elmer asked, playing the harp. "Because I'm open to whatevew – He-e-e-eeh!"
"Foghorn Leghorn – "
"Ah say, do we already have another visitor?" Foggy wondered. "'Cause I forgot to pick up some Angel Food Cake for her! Ah, hee, hee, that's a JOKE, Son!" Bugs responded by holding up a sign with a picture of a corncob pointing to him.
"Speedy Gonzales – "
"Buenos dias, Senora!" Speedy bowed whilst removing his sombrero.
"Pepe Le Pew – "
"Bonjour, Ma'amoiselle!"
" – and your FAVORITES, Sylvester and Tweety Pie!"
"Oh, COOL!" Jane responded. "Can I have their autographs?"
"Sure thing, Doll," Sylvester replied. "Glad to oblige!" As he signed a piece of paper, however, a gloved hand reached out and smacked him.
It belonged to a pink, blonde-haired female rabbit.
"Sakes, what'd ya hafta go and do THAT for?" he asked her.
"Don't… EVER… call… her… 'Doll!'" the lady rabbit scolded the bad ol' Puddy Tat.
"Yeah! Serves you WIGHT, you bad ol' sexist Puddy Tat!" Tweety added, smacking him some more, then signing his own slip of paper for Ms. Johnson.
"Say, Bugs, who's THAT rabbit?" Ms. Johnson asked in puzzlement. "I don't believe I've ever seen HER before!"
"Oh, dat's me goilfriend, Lola!" Bugs answered. "She and I appeared in a movie called 'Space Jam'!"
"Why, I never HEARD of THAT one!"
"Eh, you're better off; it didn't do any of us justice!"
"Well, now, that we've all met," Jane began, "I just want to know; what are you all DOING here?"
"It's quite simple, Ms. J., " Bugs began explaining to her, "What ISN'T real on Oith is real here in Heaven!"
"And, the best part is," added Daffy, "You get whatever you want RIGHT AWAY – NO questions asked! Watch!" Just then, he stepped onto a clear, white cloud, then gazed skyward and said out loud, "I wish I had all of Ali Baba's riches!" Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a huge mess of gold coins and jewelry showered the greedy soul, and he jumped up and down! "I'm rich! YA-HOO! I'm fabulously wealthy! I'm comfortably well-off!"
"Eh, Daffy," Bugs interrupted. "You forget, everything here is FREE! There's no NEED fer such extravagant wealth!"
"Oh, you're just JEALOUS because I finally have it BETTER than you now!" the duck retorted.
"No, really, it's true; watch!" Bugs proceeded to demonstrate. "I wish for a bed of carrots!" And, so saying, the wascawwy wabbit was showered with carrots, post-haste! "See, Doc? The best things in the afterlife really ARE free!"
"Dumb luck, that's all it is!" Daffy responded. "Back on Earth, Elmer would've come a-running after you with his shotgun for even THINKING of invading his carrot patch!"
"Yeah, well, he was merely followin' da SCRIPT, Wise-Guy!" Bugs answered him back, then turned to Ms. Johnson. "So, Jane, what can we get for youse?"
"Well," she pondered, then finally declared, "I've always wanted to go to Paris!"
"Ah, ask, my delicate leettle fleur, and vous shall receive!" Pepe chimed in. "Paris Package Tours are my specialty, no?" At this point, he snapped his fingers, and, before you could say, "Voila!" a Paris backdrop appeared before everyone.
"Why," Jane said with a tear in her eye, "it's BEAUTIFUL!"
"Merci Beaucoup, my leettle peegon!" Pepe exclaimed. Just then, he donned a Top Hat and Scarf, gave a whistle, and a horse and buggy pulled up. It was big enough for Jane and her cartoon friends, so they all boarded, with Pepe at the driver's seat. Just then, he broke into song:
"I love Paris in Le Springtime,
I love Paris in Le Fall…"
Just then, Daffy interrupted, "Hey, Pagliacci! This is an LT Fanfic, NOT some corny Disney musical!"
"Oh, why, NOT, Doc?" Bugs asked rather inquisitively. "After ALL, it sometimes HELPS ta' have a romantic ending, right, Lo'?" he turned to Lola.
"Oh, I wholeheartedly agree!" Lola sighed as she and Bugs snuggled up in each other's arms.
Daffy smacked his face in disgust, but then shrugged and said, "If you can't beat 'em, JOIN 'em!" to the Webcam. At this, everyone resumed singing:
"…I love Paris in Le Winter,
I love Paris best of all!"
Meanwhile, just outside the Pearly Gates, Porky Pig burst forth from the LT Drum to say, "B'dee, b'dee, Thea-thea-That's ALL, Folks!"
(Iris-out, followed by a Bob Clampett "BeeeeeeeeOoooooop!".)
P.S., I sincerely DO believe that Toons exist in Heaven; after ALL, the muse for the creation of their cartoon stories has to come from SOMEwhere, right?
Good Night, Jane Johnson, WHEREVER you are!