Hello! I'm took a small break from typing my other story to write this. Oddly enough, I got the idea in Math while we were talking about the probablilities of different poker hands. I've wanted to make a silly story about Bowser for a while now, and I'll probably make more, too, which will eventually be made as a collection of oneshots, I believe. Some of the characters may appear OOC. They're my interpretation of them, though. Well, enough babbling.
Enjoy :)
Disclaimer: Bowser, Shadow the Hedgehog, Ganondorf, and other characters making appearances belong to their respective parties, and none are owned by me. Not even Koopa Pete.
Poker Night
It was early in the morning, right before dawn, and Bowser was ordering his minions around, as usual. Today though, was slightly different. "Lord Bowser," squeaked a koopa, standing before his king seated on the throne. "where do you want the rectangular tables?" he asked.
"… What's a rectangle? Is it the snack table?" asked Bowser of his minion.
"I think so …" said the koopa. "Well, where do you want it?"
"… what are we talking about?" asked Bowser. Awkward silence filled the air. "Get me some chips, Koopa Pete!" Bowser randomly burst out.
"But what about-" began the koopa, but Bowser knocked him over with a thrown shoe.
"I said get me some chips! And be sure to put the rectangle table next to the wall by the poker table." Bowser ordered. Koopa Pete sighed.
"Yes, your evilness." Koopa Pete replied. He then walked away muttering many a wicked thing about Bowser. Bowser sat there in his throne, uber excited for tonight's events, for tonight … was poker night.
XXX
Many hours later, right around 8:00 pm, the doorbell was rung, playing out Bowser's boss theme from Mario 64. "Koopa Pete! Get the gate!" yelled Bowser. Koopa Pete wandered over to the gate and opened it up to reveal Shadow the Hedgehog standing at the gate.
"Uh … hi. Where's Bow-"
"You need to answer a couple of questions before you can enter." interrupted Koopa Pete.
Shadow sighed.
"Look, I'm just here to-"
"Are you a plumber?" asked Koopa Pete.
"No …" Replied Shadow.
"Are you Italian?" asked Koopa Pete.
"… Is this for real?" asked Shadow.
"Do you have a mustache?" asked Koopa Pete
"What do you think, you mutated turtle?" asked Shadow, now starting to become annoyed by the ridiculous quiz.
"Do you wear red hats?" asked Koopa Pete, undaunted by Shadow's annoyance, which he would regret. Gun shots were heard as Bowser finally reached the front door, which was just opened by Shadow.
"Hi, Shadow! … why are you covered in blood?" inquired Bowser.
"What blood? My streaks?" replied Shadow, gesturing to his red striped arms, legs and quills. Bowser squinted and looked closer.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. You're the first person here!" Bowser cheered.
"And probably the only one …" muttered Shadow under his breath. Bowser was oblivious to Shadow's musings, and led him to the party room. It had cob webs hanging everywhere, the ceiling was leaking, and Shadow thought he saw a rat in the corner of the room chewing on some severed leg. "Umm …"
"Your speechless, huh? Yeah, I know, it's great!" said Bowser as he stood there, proudly surveying the gloomy room. "Well, snacks are over on that table," Bowser gestured over to an array of food stuffs and overflowing bowls of cheese puffs (Hey! That rhymed!) upon a table shoved against the wall, "and that's the poker table!" Bowser pointed to the center of the disgusting room , where a shoddy circular table with six chairs was placed under a flickering lamp that hung from the ceiling.
"Where are the chips?" asked Shadow after he figured out how to talk again.
"I asked Koopa Pete to get them, but he hasn't come back yet. I wonder where the little bugger went …" Bowser pondered while putting a hand to his chin. Shadow figured that Koopa Pete was now lying on the cold, hard cobblestones outside, his brains splattered all over the stone walls nearby. Suddenly, they heard barking and screaming coming from outside. "OOoo! That must be Ganondorf!" said Bowser excitedly. He skipped out of the chamber and went off to the chain chomp grounds. Shadow, not wanting to stay in the damp room alone, followed behind. "Hey Shadow, are you still with your girlfriend?" Bowser asked Shadow randomly.
"I told you already. Rouge is not my girlfriend!" Shadow shouted at Bowser for what felt like the hundredth time.
"Not from what I hear from Eggman." Bowser replied with a sly grin on his face.
"What would you know about women anyway, Bowser?!" Shadow retorted.
"Um, does eight children say anything to you?" boasted Bowser proudly.
"Yeah. It says you're a sex addict who doesn't know how to use a condom!" Shadow replied. Bowser paused for a moment.
"How do you use a condom?" asked Bowser.
"It's easy. You just take the condom and slide it over your-"
"SEE? Ha! How would you know if you haven't used them, mister smarty-pants?!" Bowser shouted as he pointed at Shadow.
"Th- that doesn't mean anything!" Shadow replied, a blush spreading over his face. Bowser smiled triumphantly, showing all his large, pointed pearly whites at Shadow. Well, they're more yellow and plaque riddled, but you get the point. The couple (no, yaoi authors. NO … maybe in another story) heard a window break and saw Ganondorf running down the hall, arms flailing around above his head. He stopped all together though when he saw Bowser and Shadow standing in the hallway.
"Hi!" he said as he waved at Bowser and Shadow. Various bits of glass were stuck in his face and a baby chain chomp was gnawing on his ankle. Ganondorf bent over and pulled the chain chomp pup off his leg, which took a chunk of his ankle with it. "Sorry about that. I teleported into your chain chomp pit again. I thought they'd recognize me, but I was wrong." Ganondorf said sadly.
"Eh, don't worry about it, Ganny! They usually eat up my minions, so you're not alone." said Bowser, trying to cheer up Ganondorf.
"… Ganny?" questioned Shadow.
"Yeah. It's a lot easier to say then 'Ganondorf', so I use it!" explained Bowser.
"Sounds like a pet nickname to me…" wondered Shadow. He thought some yaoi writers might get the wrong idea from what he way saying. He knew how their twisted minds worked. Then the doorbell rang again, reciting Bowser's theme. Bowser skipped to the door, followed by "Ganny" and Shadow. Bowser opened the door and found Dr. Wily arguing with Dr. Eggman about some advanced robotics dealeo, while King Dedede stood behind them with a dumbstruck look on his face.
"Welcome! I'm glad you could all make it. Except for mother brain, though. She had a run in with Samus and is stuck at home with dysentery, so Shadow will be here, instead!" announced Bowser, showing everyone Shadow standing there with his arms crossed and trademark scowl on his face.
"… Why didn't you invite someone else, say … Sephiroth?" questioned Wily.
"Well, he kinda creeps me out …" Bowser admitted.
"Couldn't you have invited a villain instead of some tortured anti-hero?" asked Eggman.
"It doesn't really matter now, does it?" defended Bowser, "Let's just all go and have a nice game of poker!" Bowser proclaimed, and he turned around and led the group off to the poker room.
"Bowser! What is that smell?!" shouted Eggman. Everyone else held their nose but Ganondorf, who giggled.
"I pooted …" he whispered. Everyone took one giant step away from Ganondorf, and King Dedede ran into the wall.
XXX
They all were huddled at the poker table, studying their hands very closely. The only noise came from Eggman, noisily munching on the cheese puffs he raided from the bowl over on the table, which was empty now. Dr. Wily scratched his head while observing his hand, Shadow was tapping the table impatiently, and Ganondorf was snoring. "Come on, you geezer! Call, already!" Shadow shouted impatiently at Dr. Wily.
"Shut up, you degenerate creation!" barked Dr. Wily.
"I wouldn't have to talk if you would hurry the hell up!" retorted Shadow.
"… He's got a point there, Al." observed Bowser.
"For the last time. Call me Albert. Al sounds like I'm some sort of hick." replied Dr. Wily.
"Judging by the way you build your robots, I think it's accurate to call you 'Al' ." said Dr. Eggman smugly.
"Your robots are far worse than mine, Ivo!" replied Dr. Wily. Everyone else groaned at this statement because that meant that the Doctors would be arguing over who's superior again. As the two of them jabbered on, Ganondorf woke up and decided to look at his hand while the observers waited out the pain.
"Hey!" shouted Ganondorf. Everyone else stopped what they were doing and looked at him. "Yahtzee!" he said excitedly. Everyone continued staring.
"We're not even playing yahtzee!" replied Dr. Eggman.
"Then how did I get 5 of the same card?" asked Ganondorf, now very confused.
"5 of the same-- there isn't even 5 of the same card in a deck! How did you get five of the same card?!" questioned Eggman angrily. Ganondorf laid down his hand to reveal 5 aces.
"Did you cheat?!" asked Dr. Wily accusingly.
"No … aren't you the one who brought the deck?" said Ganondorf, pointing at Dr. Wily.
"What? Are you accusing me of cheating?!" shouted Dr. Wily, standing up and throwing his cards down on the table.
"Are we laying our cards down already?" asked King Dedede, "I think I have a royal flush …"
" How can you have a royal flush if Ganondorf has all the Aces? And besides, the chances of getting a royal flush are 4 in 2,598,960 (Do the math)!" Explained Eggman. King Dedede laid down his hand to show that he indeed had a royal flush.
"Wow Albert, you really did cheat. How else could those two get hands like that?" accused Dr. Eggman of Dr. Wily. Dr. Wily then lunged at Eggman and began having a cat fight with him.
"Hey look! A fight!" shouted Ganondorf. He then ran up and punched Eggman in the face, and King Dedede got out his hammer and bonked Ganondorf on the head, thus joining the fight as well. As the squabble continued, Shadow looked over to Bowser, who seemed unfazed by anything that just happened. In fact, he was wearing that stupid grin on his face from the moment they all sat down at the table.
"Does this always happen when you guys play?" Shadow asked Bowser.
"Oh yeah, all the time!" replied Bowser, still smiling.
"Then … why are you so happy?" Shadow asked.
"Well, this is the first time I've been able to host in 6 months!" replied Bowser ecstatically.
"… is it because of this crappy room?" questioned Shadow.
"Of course not! It's because last time-" Suddenly, a crashing noise was heard, and the fighting ceased. "Oh crap …" muttered Bowser, his smile finally disappearing.
"What?" asked Shadow. Shadow's question was answered when a red blur crashed through the wall and landed on the poker table.
"It's-a me!" the thing proclaimed.
"Mario!" Bowser growled, his voiced oozing with deep hatred.
"Where is the Princess, Bowser?!" Mario asked Bowser slowly. Bowser sighed.
"Look, Mario, I haven't kidnapped her." said Bowser.
"You're lying! I know it! Now where are you keeping her." Mario said hastily.
"Ugh. She's probably just in the shower again. Go back to the castle." Bowser ordered, pointing to the door.
"I'd know if she was in the shower, Bowser. I would be right next to her, giving her the best makeout session we've ever had." said Mario dreamily.
"Man, you're lucky. I'd give anything--well, not anything--to be able to take a shower with Zelda." responded Ganondorf. Everyone stared at him for a moment. "What?"
"Anyway, if you don't tell me where Peach is at this instant, I will blow you all to the moon!" announced Mario, pulling a bob-omb from his pocket. Everyone freaked out when they saw the explosive object in Mario's hand.
"N- nn- now Mario, n- no n- need t- to be hasty …" Bowser said uneasily, " remember what happened last time". Shadow figured out what was to come, and chaos controlled the hell out of there. Everyone else cowered in the corner as Bowser also backed up into the corner. Mario smirked.
"So long-a Bowsie!" he shouted as he threw the bob-omb at the cowering villains in the corner. A gargantuan explosion followed as Mario was flung into the southern skies above, and the everyone else was flung to the north, disappearing via Team Rocket style. No, they did not scream "Team Rocket's blasting off again!", but they were screaming and did that disappear as a star thingy. Only Bowser remain smoldering in the rubble of the demolished room. He sat up wearily and said, "Bye guys, see you next Friday …" He then fell over backwards, unconscious.
Yay! How was it? Please tell me what you think of it. There will probably be a collection of oneshots between Bowser and mostly Shadow, and probably other characters as well coming later on. Give me a month, max. Thank you for taking precious time out o your life to read this. I am always grateful :)
P.S. Please put in a review if I need to move this to another catagory or not (like if should go into sonic also, or if I should take it out of the Mario catagory), I'd really appreciate the help. Thanks again!