Chapter 1
"I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), there is healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm barely holding on to you"
When she wakes up in the morning and has a small white card wrapped delicately in green ribbon delivered to her, she opens it distractedly, imagining it to be another invitation to a society gala. But when her blue eyes run over the elaborate curly letters, her breathing seems to stop altogether. There's a pain in her chest that seems to originate from the place where her heart is supposed to be; her eyes burn with unshed tears. She doesn't throw away the card; neither does she rip it to pieces. She folds it almost thoughtfully and slips it away into the deepest part of her drawer. She definitely doesn't need to see that little white card with its declaration of joy anytime soon.
When he calls her cell phone seven times and doesn't receive any answer, he begins to worry. Chuck is positive that the timing isn't entirely a coincidence – Serena doesn't answer her cell phone the day the invitation to Dan and Blair's wedding turns up in the mail. When he reaches her voicemail for the eight time, he decides that he needs to find her before she does something crazy.
He thinks about how he felt when he held the invitation to Blair's wedding in his hands that morning – the second invitation to Blair's wedding that he's received in his life. Yes, there was hurt, there was a sliver of anger in there and there was pain. But it has been months since he's lost her and it's been almost a year since Blair and Humphrey have been a couple. They've had barely any contact since then so when the feelings of pain and anger rise to the surface, he feels mostly angry at himself for feeling things when he's supposed to have moved on with his life.
He picks up his coat and decides to find Serena before realising that he has no idea where she is. That's okay, he tells himself as he picks up his BlackBerry, there are other ways to find her.
He finds her in a shady bar in a foreign neighbourhood and for a second, he's stunned by what he sees. She's making out with a sleazy-looking guy who looks nearly ten years older than her. From where he's standing, Chuck has a clear view of them squashed in a dingy corner of the bar, the man pushing Serena up against the wall, one hand clawing at her breasts and another grabbing her behind from underneath her short skirt. Serena's too drunk to notice, but is kissing him with a queer expression on her face: her brow is furrowed and her eyes are squeezed shut almost too tightly.
Chuck marches up to them, suppressing the instinct to brow-beat the guy who's violating his vulnerable sister in a public bar. He looks so out of place in that dark, dingy bar and people are starting to stare at the business exec in his expensively cut suit making his way through the crowd. He doesn't care, though; all he wants is to rip Serena away from the pervert who was running his hands all over her. He taps the guy's shoulder a little too hard and sets his jaw as the man turns towards him with a pissed-off expression on his face.
"What's the deal, dude?" he wants to know and Chuck can smell cheap liquor on his breath. Serena blinks owlishly at him and swipes her tangled blond hair from her face. "Chuck?" she says, alcohol slurring her words.
"You know this dude, doll?" the guy wants to know, stumbling a little as he reaches out to wrap an arm around her waist. His beady eyes romp over Chuck's face and suit and despite is drunkenness, he's impressed. The guy clearly came from money and here was an opportunity to make a buck or two. "Who's this, your ex-husband or something? Let's hope you took his money when you divorced him." He lets out a shrill, hyena-like giggle at his own words.
"She's my sister," Chuck says through gritted teeth. "So, if you don't mind…"
He reaches out and takes Serena by her arm, wrenching her away from the man. "You're coming with me, Serena."
She stumbles along with him on her impossibly high heels as he guides them out of the bar, the eyes of the other customer following them as the crowd parts to let them leave. The guy Serena had been making out with is too drunk to make a scene and Chuck is so thankful that she's okay that he forgets to be mad at her when they step out of the bar.
Serena shivers a little and trips on her own feet. Chuck takes off his coat and places it gently around her and wraps his arm around her for support. She's unusually quiet, he notes as he watches her slip inside the limo waiting for them. She's usually loud and talkative when she's inebriated but now, she just seems to be lost. Throughout the ride, she has a vacant, almost tired look in her oceanic blue eyes and he's worried. He instructs his driver to take them to Serena's new apartment, the one she moved into recently after things with Dan and Blair's relationship got too awkward for her to handle. When the limo pulls up in front of her condo, Chuck gives her a gentle shake.
"We're here, S. Let's go."
At that moment, she turns to look at him with a pleading expression and he's shocked and saddened by the look in her eyes. They're filled with tears and harbour such a broken expression in them that it shatters his heart. Serena's been all he's had for the past year, his shoulder to cry on and he suddenly realises that she needs him at that moment more than anything else. Serena rarely cries for help and Chuck knows that something deep inside her has been broken.
If he can't be the one to fix it, he can be the one who holds her hand through it.
She doesn't say a word as he takes her hand and helps her out of the limo. He tells Arthur to wait as he guides Serena up the stairs. When they reach her door, Serena leans against the wall and closes her eyes as Chuck rifles through her purse, trying to find her keys. Once they are inside, Serena stumbles towards her bed and collapses on it.
"Chuck," she whispers.
"I'm here." He all but hurries towards her, sitting down carefully beside her on the bed, holding her close as she rests her head on his shoulder. "What happened, Serena?"
She presses her face into his shoulder and is glad he can't see the tears that have started to spill from her eyes. The buzz has gone from her system and all she can feel now is pain. There is a throbbing in her head that makes her want to bring a gun to her head and pull the trigger so she doesn't have to feel the pain that pumps through her system with a vengeance. But right now, she craves her pills and the wonderfully numb feeling sleep provides her with.
She's not as drunk as she seems and while a part of her is thankful that Chuck found her, another part of her resents him front pulling her to the surface.
"My head hurts." Her voice is barely audible and the pain is making it impossible for her to open her eyes. Her stomach hurts; she hasn't eaten a thing. There's a raw feeling at the back of her throat that hurts when she swallows and there's the lingering taste of the sleazy guy she made out with on her lips.
She hates herself so much, it consumes her. She craves sleep but knows she can't get it without her pills. She can't swallow them when Chuck's right there beside her.
She wants him to leave her alone but she's scared of what she might do to herself if he leaves.
"I'll get you some aspirin." Chuck climbs to his feet and walks toward her medicine cabinet. He turns to look at her from across the room and is saddened by what he sees. She's sitting on the edge of the bed, her head cradled in her hands, tears falling off the bridge of her nose, staining her purple skirt.
He opens the cabinet and his eyes search for aspirin. But his hands reach out and grasp a little red bottle with a large label. His eyes widen as he reads the words sprawled on the label and the name of the pills she's carelessly been taking. He gives the bottle a little shake; there are only about ten pills inside.
"Serena, have you been taking these pills?" he asks her incredulously, holding up the bottle so she can see it.
The throbbing in her head is getting worse and the accusation is his voice isn't helping. She grinds her teeth against the pain and answers into her hands. "Yes."
"Serena, these are extremely strong painkillers." Chuck is pained and shocked as he looks at her. "These definitely aren't prescribed by a physician. Why have you been taking them?"
Serena lowers herself onto the bed, sighing as the side of her head comes in contact with the cold pillow. She closes her eyes and tries not to let the image of Dan wander in front of her lids. "They help me sleep," she whispers. "They dull the pain."
She opens her eyes a crack, wincing at the effort it takes. "Please let me have just one, Chuck," she says softly. "My head hurts so much."
Chuck is at a loss but he knows he can't leave her like this. As he watched her eyelids flutter with the pain of her headache, he pulls out his cell phone and calls Arthur. Tells him that he's dismissed for the night. At the moment, Serena's in pain and she's lost and she needs him more than anything. That's what matters.
He tucks the bottle into the pocket of his coat and walks back to the medicine cabinet. "I'll get you some aspirin. It'll help the pain. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, Serena. We'll talk tomorrow."
He's hurting because the girl he loves is getting married, again. He is hurting because she's made it clear that she wants Dan Humphrey, not him.
He glances at Serena, who's miraculously fallen asleep, one leg hanging off the side of the bed with a purple stiletto heel still attached to the foot.
He's hurting because the guy his sister loves is getting married to her best friend.
A/N: Alternate version of season 5 after Blair starts dating Dan. Serena isn't Gossip Girl, Bart isn't back from the dead, Blair hasn't chosen Chuck in the finale. What happens next? Do read and find out. (: