Disclaimer: Not Mine
A/N: MHawke/Fenris. Another story with Dare Hawke, my male/mage/extremely religious and pro-templar Hawke. Set After Down in Flames
Moving On
Three days. Three days since his life and that of his friends went down in flames. Two of them sailing away like fugitives. He'd always known how easy fortune can change. He'd gotten from refugee to noble to champion after all. What hurt the most wasn't seeing himself in the same place he'd begun, if not lower; but dragging his friends with him.
The cabin was small and dark, but it was the only place where he and Fenris could have a little privacy. Aveline and Donnic had the other cabin, which Hawke believed were just two storage rooms hastily turned into rooms. The only other room was the captain's quarters and while Isabela had generously offered her big bed to anyone that wanted to use it, he very much doubted it meant for sleeping.
Isabela, Maker bless her, had taken charge as soon as everyone was on board. She even managed to make her way to the estate, convince Bodhan and Sandal to follow her and grab everything they could carry, along with the coin he'd saved. They were currently on their way to Orlais to see the two dwarves off, and anyone else who wished to stay. For his part, he wanted to go back to Ferelden. The place was big enough to hide in and, if caught, at least King Alistair seemed like someone who might give him a chance to tell his side of the story.
So far he had not told anyone of his decision. They had lives and he could not ask them to stay after what happened. He wanted to pretend that they would follow him for as long as he could, though he knew better. Fear of losing the people he saw as the only family he had left kept him quiet. Above all, he feared Fenris would leave him, even when the elf kept telling him he did not care where they went he would always follow.
"Isabela said we're going to stop in Orlais. Specifically in Val Chevin," Anders' voice took him out of his thoughts, "Better start planning early if we're going to be doing this. I know it's quite a walk from there to Val Royeaux , but it's not going to be easy to pull this off. It's important to plan for everything now."
Hawke frowned; closing the book he'd been trying to read with the little light that entered the room and gave the mage his full attention.
"I really don't want to know what's on your mind, but I have to ask. What does that demon of yours think I'm going to do?"
Anders seemed to recoil at his words. There was confusion and even hurt plain to see on his face. As if he could really not understand why Hawke would speak to him like that. Almost as if he forgot the many arguments they had over the years.
"Justice is no demon. Without him we would have never done what needed to be done. You saw what happens to mages when the abuses of the templars become too much. Even the First Enchanter fell to blood magic when he feared the templars would win. And the Chantry allows the abuse to happen. Encourage it! It's why you sided with us at the end!"
Anders' voice kept rising, but Hawke could not muster enough concern for himself. He'd seen too much; done too much to fear the abomination in front of him. Perhaps it was the lack of reaction, but Anders kept talking. As if he didn't quite believe the words and wanted, desperately, for them to be true.
"You surprised me, Hawke. I thought you wouldn't understand. That you would side with the templars and fight against your own kind. Your support will be invaluable to the mages. Imagine, the Champion of Kirkwall behind us! I never thought I would live to see the fight for our freedom give fruit. Thanks to you, I can. I'll follow you wherever you go and together we will create a future where we can be free, like the rest of the people."
Dare Hawke wanted to laugh. The Maker really had a horrible sense of humor. Anders wanted to follow him! Before Kirkwall, he'd never helped a mage outside of his family and here was this man putting him in charge of an entire rebellion of mages. Mages he'd never really felt any sort of connection with. If he thought about it too hard, he felt as if there was something wrong with him for not feeling anything towards his kind.
But Hawke knew he wasn't like most mages. Behtany hadn't been either. His father had not raise them like other mages. He'd rather work than use magic. He'd rather use a weapon than use magic. He didn't consider himself a mage, but a human being. Still, Anders had gotten into himself that he'd join his cause and was going to do something in Orlais. The question was what.
"And me siding with the mages and going to Orlais means I'm going to be doing what?"
"Kill the Divine. Throw the Chantry and the Templar Order into chaos," Anders said matter of factly.
This time he laughed. He laughed until it hurt. He laughed without caring about the odd face Anders was giving him or who could hear him.
"You want to kill the Divine, be my guest. But I'm not helping you. I never was," Hawke said as soon he stopped laughing and getting to his feet, "You confuse a choice I made based on survival with me joining your mad quest."
"But you… I thought…"
Hawke stood in front of Anders to make his point clear. Gray eyes staring deeply into golden brown and hoping this time the other mage would hear him.
"We were acquaintances, but we were never friends. I never believed in your cause Anders. We argued about it all the time. What little trust I had in you is laying in pieces all over Kirkwall. Or has that demon taken away your memories too?"
The heady surge of magic, the flash of blue taking over honey eyes and the glowing cracks in the skin. They were all familiar to Hawke. Anders was gone and Justice was in control. His staff was by the door, behind Anders, and Hawke palmed the dagger he always kept with him. Although he didn't need his staff to cast magic, he had no illusions of beating Justice with magic alone. Once people knew he was a mage, they always seemed to forget he knew his way around daggers and poisons. He sent a small prayer to the Maker for Justice to be like those people.
"I am no demon! I am freeing your kind, mage! They will be free and no one will stop the battle that has started. Who are you to deny them the freedom you have enjoyed all your life?"
Freedom? What freedom? Hawke and Bethany had grown up under the watchful gaze of their parents. They'd been taught the Chant and the dangers of magic before they could talk and walk. And when Carver was old enough to wield a sword, around ten years old, he'd been entrusted to keep them safe and to strike them down should they ever falter. There were only two moments in his life that he'd ever felt free. The time he dared to fall in love and have a family and after the Wardens took Carver away. And given the way those two things unfolded, Hawke would rather trade his freedom for another day of bickering with his brother or for holding his little girl again.
The demon loomed over him. Always trying to intimidate him. As if he had never been tempted, intimidated, scared and bribed by the demons and spirits in the Fade. As if he had never woken victorious over them. If Justice wanted to cower him into doing what he wanted, he had another thing coming.
"I do not speak with demons. Either Anders comes back or I'll do what I should've done back in Kirkwall."
The magic around him was almost suffocating. The feel of the dagger in his hand was heavy.
"I AM NO DEMON!"
"Tell that to the Grand Cleric and the people of Kirkwall. Better yet, tell it to that mage girl Anders wanted to save and you killed," Hawke moved forward, close enough to be within striking distance.
One strike, just enough to make him bleed, was all he needed. The poison would do the rest.
"You say that so much, I'm starting to believe you're trying to convince yourself, demon. Your actions betray you. Now let me speak with Anders or else."
The magic swirling around them suddenly dissipated. The blue glow that had taken over the cabin disappeared so quickly it left Hawke blinded until his eyes grew used to the gloom again.
"What? What happened? Did he…"
"Justice came out. Funny how he keeps doing that more and more often lately."
Anders looked stricken, but not repentant. Back in Kirkwall, Hawke had believed that stricken look to be guilt over what he'd done. He'd been so wrong. Now, he knew better. Anders didn't like for Justice to take control. He didn't like the increasing power the demon had over him. But he didn't regret joining with Justice. He still saw his union as the only way to do what needed to be done for that cause of his.
Anders rubbed his forehead, as if it hurt. Hawke was vaguely horrified with himself when he caught himself hoping he was hurting and that he continued to hurt. It was one thing to condemn a man for his actions and another to enjoy his suffering. He would need to speak with Sebastian and Carver. Both might hate Anders, but they were all he had to confess his dark thoughts and both would join him to pray for forgiveness and guidance. Maybe one day he'd be able to forgive Anders, but right now he could only pray for it.
The mage shuffled his feet awkwardly. A lost look again on his face. Once, Fenris had told him he'd never thought of escaping or disobeying Danarius. That he felt good with himself for having followed an order correctly and that punishment came double because after his master beat him, he would spend days castigating himself for having failed his master. That it took him many months, and the tragedy of the Fog Warriors, to shake the feeling of being lost when no one commanded him. Anders' look reminded him of Fenris' words and Hawke wondered if the mage had ever done something because he believed he could or if he'd always followed someone else's orders. That he needed to be led so badly that he'd willingly allowed a spirit to take over his body. And the sad thing was that the mage was too blind to see he'd leashed himself.
"I think I better go. Sorry about… I thought…" Anders hurried to leave the room as if the Knight-Commander herself had risen from the grave and was after him.
"Anders," the mage stopped just outside the cabin and Hawke urged him to get back inside.
Anders sent him a disbelieving look, but went back inside and closed the door.
"Bodhan and Sandal are getting down in Orlais. You can too if you want. In fact, anyone that wants to leave then, is free to do so," Hawke began speaking, pacing as he went along and knowing the other mage will not like what he was going to hear any more than he liked hearing he wasn't joining the mages' rebellion.
"If you don't want to stay in Orlais, just tell me where you want off and I'll tell Isabela to head there next. I'll do the same with all of you before going my own way. Where that is, I won't tell you. I don't want you to go after me or follow me. If I ever see you, I'll kill you. That is not a threat, it's a promise."
Anders looked hurt, betrayed. Almost as if he'd actually considered Hawke a friend. Four days ago he might've called their thing, if not friendship, then a deep respect even when they disagreed on everything. The healer looked as if he wanted to speak, but Hawke held a hand to quiet him.
"I'm not finished, Anders. You keep saying how my name is all you need to keep the rebellion going."
"Well, it would be a great boost in morale to know the Champion is fighting on our side," he told him, glaring at him and Hawke swore the black feathers on his shoulders were ruffled.
Hawke ignored the look and, instead, gave him a smile.
"Keep it."
His eyes widened. His mouth opened and closed two or three times. Hawke tried not to laugh. Deep down, he expected this moment to be more painful. Instead, part of the weight that had been suffocating him for three days seemed to lift from his shoulders.
"What? Hawke, surely don't mean what I think you mean."
"Then let me make it clear. Once you step out of the ship, you can be the Champion yourself. Take my name and use it. It won't be any different from what you did in Kirkwall, only this time you have my permission to use it."
"What about you?"
Hawke shrugged almost carelessly.
"What about me? I'll find another name. One you won't know about and I'll start over. Build a house, get a few seeds, perhaps a chicken or two. Quiet and simple, like I always wanted."
The disbelieving look Anders sent his way was hilarious.
"You'll get bored within the week."
Another shrug. Hawke didn't care what Anders thought. And, Andraste as his witness, he couldn't wait until he was on his way and far away from him.
"Maybe, maybe not. But you won't be around to destroy it."
There was that glint in his eyes. The crazed, obsessive one. Before, he'd dismissed it. Now, it just showed him how far gone Anders really was. Somehow, it was now impossible to dismiss the gaunt face, the sickly pallor and the too big clothes whenever that gleam appeared in his eyes. Justice was never far behind it and Hawke wondered if the demon would deign to control Anders again.
"You can't hide forever, Hawke. The fight will find you and then, what will you do? What side will you be on?"
Another shrug. This one meant to drive deeper the fact that he really did not care about the rebellion. Eyes analyzing the man before him as a potential threat instead of as a wary acquaintance.
"I can do my best to stay out of a war I never wanted a part in. But, if I do have to fight, I'll side with whoever my conscience tells me is right. Maker willing, it would be the templars this time."
Anders gaped. Hawke could not understand how could he be so surprised still.
"You must be joking! Tell me you're joking. You can't honestly say that. What about…"
"So, do we leave you in Orlais, Nevarra, Antiva? I've heard Seheron is quite lovely this time of year. Or perhaps Llomerynn or Tevinter? I have it on good authority that the glowing will be a hit in the Imperium."
Anders stepped forward angrily and Hawke's hand went back to his dagger as he ready to defend himself. The movement did not go unnoticed, and Ander's stopped, closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead furiously before turning around and storming out of the cabin.
Hawke smiled. The first real smile in three days. His smile widened at the sight of the white haired elf hurrying inside the cabin.
"Is everything okay? I… saw the abomination in deck looking angry and Isabela said he'd been talking to you. I would've come sooner, but no one told me and Isabela had me and Donnic working with the sails."
Green eyes roved over him worriedly and Hawke felt his heart skip a beat. He placed his hand on the elf's cheek reassuringly.
"I'm fine. Anders and I had a talk. He didn't like what I had to say, but he can't do anything about it."
"Your continued faith in him worries me. You know what he's capable of and still…"
Fenris closed his eyes, turning his face away until a white curtain hid his features from Hawke as he stepped away. But Hawke had seen the hurt before he turned away. He let the elf place the distance he needed when all he wanted was to hold him close.
"Fenris. I know what he can do. I can't forget it, you know. Every time I close my eyes, every time I sleep or have too much time to think it all comes back."
The elf took the book Hawke had been reading and placed it back on his pack. Hawke watched him in silence. Once the book was on its place, Fenris whirled to face him an accusing finger pointing at him and eyes stubbornly staring into his.
"I just can't understand why he's still here. Why would you be alone with him willingly?"
"I refuse to kill him and give him the easy way out of all this madness, Fenris. He'll leave soon enough and he won't bother us anymore."
The warrior snorted before sitting down unceremoniously on the only chair in the cabin. Hawke settled on their cot and watched the elf wring his hands nervously once before settling them carefully over his thighs and keeping them there. When he spoke, his voice was firm, though Hawke could've sworn there was a hint of the insecurity that drove him away after their first time there too.
"Did he promise you that? Did he tell you how sorry he was and that he won't do it again while he was at it?"
Hawke wanted to make things better. Like they were four days ago. When all he had to worry about was Meredith and Orsino bickering like an old married couple and convincing his lover to stay the night at his mansion. But he couldn't make things back the way they were and Hawke feared so much. Most of it concerning the elf in front of him. But out of all things he feared, Fenris being jealous of Anders had never been one of them.
Hawke stood from the bed and strode towards his lover. Fenris merely watched him with guarded green eyes partially hidden under white hair. Slowly, carefully, he grabbed a gauntleted hand and kissed its palm.
"Actually, I promised that I would kill him if I ever saw him again. And the only thing he's sorry is that he and Justice couldn't convince me to join their crazy adventure. Though if he does stop in Orlais, we'll need to give the Divine a little heads up before he blows her up too."
Green eyes widened comically and Hawke wondered what kind of person his friends thought he was. Did they really believe he shared Anders crazy ideas? Apparently he needed to go out and have a talk with them. Set them straight before they too label him a mage sympathizer. Sort of ironic given what he was. If anyone were sympathizers it was his friends, no matter the side he took.
"What? You threatened to kill him? But I thought…" Fenris' face changed to one full of misery, eyes firmly on the wall beside him as he tried to take his hand away, "I'm sorry, Dare. These three days, I found myself doubting you. I… foolishly thought that you felt more for the mage and that is why you protected him."
Hawke crouched in front of the elf, his hand placed Fenris' hand over his beating heart and kept it there. His other hand gently took his face and guided it so that the elf was looking at him.
"Ten years ago I found myself liking you since the moment you stepped into the alienage. Your friendship got me out of the Deep Roads, because when the Wardens dragged Carver away all I wanted was to be with you getting drunk on wine for a week. I never even know I was attracted to you, didn't even notice I've been blatantly flirting and thought Varric was seeing things when he comment on it. And then one day I found myself jumping in front of a giant spider when I saw you go down that one time Isabela got us in a nest of spiders and I knew I loved you and Varric had been right all along. I loved you from a distance when you asked for it and I loved you even more when you came back to me. I don't have space in my heart for anybody else but you."
Fenris shuddered as Hawke's lips crushed his own. The kiss escalated quickly and Hawke felt as if Fenris was trying to devour him. Something he didn't have any objection to. He could feel those pointed gauntlets digging into him as Fenris tried to get him close in the awkward position they were in. They separated slowly, Fenris giving him that teasing smile Hawke loved so much.
"Never doubt my love for you, Fenris."
"I can promise you I can try. It's… hard to believe someone like you wants to spend the rest of his life with…"
"With an extraordinary elf that has done more than a lot of people I know to get over the horrible things that happened in his life. A free man that did not allow those horrible things to rule over him and blind him, and that continues to amaze me with everything he says and does."
"You think too highly of me."
"And you too little."
Despite his slender frame, Fenris tugged on him until he was sitting on the elf's lap. It was awfully awkward, given that he was taller and bulkier, but Fenris seemed happy enough and Hawke refused to spoil the moment.
There was a moment of silence, in which Fenris somehow managed to stroke his shot black hair.
"I do not say it often, but my feelings for you are too strong to give a name to."
"I love you too, dear."
With a heavy sigh, the elf told him to get up and Hawke followed him to their cot. Once settled, the elf sprawled on top of him and rested his head under the human's chin.
"Have you thought of what we'll do once we get to Orlais?"
Now it was Hawke's turn to sigh. He could feel the elf raise his head questioningly.
"I have to talk to you about that."
Hawke reluctantly let go of the elf to get up again. Something that didn't go unnoticed by Fenris. Who stopped him with a few hard tugs and then straddling him. Hawke smiled up at him, but Fenris could see the slight trembling at the corners of the mouth that meant he was nervous. The only hint of emotion, as the gray eyes told him nothing of the emotions the mage was feeling.
" Bodhan and Sandal will stay in Orlais. If Anders stays too we'll have to do a little something while Isabela restocks the ship. If he doesn't, then we'll take him somewhere else. Isabela promised me we can do the same for everyone else. Leave them where they want to rebuild their lives. Even… even you… if you wish to."
Fenris didn't say anything. He could feel the tips of the gauntlets digging painfully into his arms. He winced, fearing he would need to heal himself and the elf sent him an apologetic look before quietly taking them off. Hawke remained where he was until Fenris was back on top of him. Fenris rested his forehead with his, lips ghosting over his as he spoke.
"We just spoke about our feelings, did we not? I guess it is my fault for treating you so carelessly before, but I am willing to keep repeating myself until you believe me. The only life I want to rebuild is the one with you at my side."
Hawke felt as if air came more easily to his lungs and a weight was lifted from his heart despite having an elf on top of him. He closed the tine gap between them in a rather chaste kiss.
"Now where are we going?"
"I'd like to go back to Ferelden, though if there's somewhere else you wish to go we can go there too. I mean, the place is brown, muddy, cold and smells like dog. Even our elves wear shoes to keep from stepping on something unpleasant and keep their toes from falling off from frostbite."
Fenris shifted until it was Hawke resting his head in the elf's chest.
"Believe it or not, Danarius sometimes had me use full armor when he wished for me to be more intimidating. That included shoes."
"I thought it was the markings that made you intimidating."
"Yes, well, it was custom made and it enhanced the markings. It was mostly to show off at his gatherings. I can't say I liked wearing it, but now you know I won't trip over my own feet with boots on."
He laughed at the mental image, delighted when Fenris' hesitant short laugh reached his ears. Even after all this time those laughs were rare, almost as if Fenris feared being found laughing.
Hawke raised his head and looked at the elf with a puzzled frown.
"Wait, are you telling me you willingly followed me into Darktown, Kirkwall's sewers, the Wounded Coast and Sundermount barefoot because you wanted to."
"I'd prefer it. I believe the blood mage it's the same as me. Given that her clan was from Ferelden and yet the only ones wearing shoes were the armored ones."
"Didn't notice that before. But there's one more thing, love."
"I hate it when you call me that. The last time you called me that I ended up deep in the Gallows protecting mages."
Perhaps he was joking, but Hawke was serious now and could only shrug to keep the dread away.
"And you might not like this either. I may need you to find a name for me. I'm horrible at naming things. Shiala named our daughter and Carver stopped me from naming the mabari Dog."
"What's wrong with your name? Without the title of champion, your name is common enough."
"Yes well, King Alistair asked for me during a visit to Kirkwall. I believe in the Maker and his Bride, but I can't just pray for people to not know of me and leave it at that. Besides, Anders tarnished my name well enough that not even I want it anymore. I told him he could keep it. I'll take mother's family name. That'll be my connection to my old life."
"And no one would recognize it?"
"They could connect it to the Hero of Ferelden, but not beyond that. Uncle Gamlen and Charade are the last living Amells in Kirkwall."
"They survived then."
"Isabela said he did. I don't know about Charade, but I want to believe the Maker did not bring her to us only to take her away like that," Hawke replied trying to keep the sadness at bay, though it was hard. He'd honestly liked Charade.
"I like Garrett."
"Garrett Amell it is. Don't tell anyone until Anders is gone."
"You have my word."
"Now, where were we?" Hawke asked with a cheeky grin, hand slowly trailing over the elf's undershirt. Opening buttons as it went down.
"I believe right here," the elf replied with that teasing smile before yanking him down for an open mouthed kiss as he rolled them over to be on top of the human.