Disclaimer: I do not own him, go away/ I just want Harry now to play

A/N: A friend and I decided it would be wonderful to do a dr.seuss inspired Harry Potter story. Horrid, eh?

Harry:

Good gracious, mercy me, alas

Is my birthday here at last?

It must be true, for here's my card

From Ginny, who's a modern bard.

"Oh Harry dear," she writes with glee

"I've simply fallen hard for thee

"Hurry, honey, do not lag

"Come o'er here so we can shag."

(VERNON pounds on the door)

Harry:

God no, it's the big fat ass

Who's never going to let me pass

(VERNON opens the door and glowers at Harry)

Vernon:

Get on up, you tub of poo

Your stupid friends are here for you

Already one has made some gum

Shoot out of dear old Dudley's bum…

Harry:

Is that what's really bugging you?

(VERNON turns puce-y)

Vernon:

…of course he had to eat it too

Hermione:

Harry, Harry, are you there?

Don't give us a frightful scare!

Vernon:

Of course he's here, you useless whore!

(DRACO pops out of no where)

Draco:

Weasley's family is dirt poor!

(pops out)

Ron:

Hey, that was uncalled for, git!

Harry:

Lets just go…

Vernon:

…get on with it!

Hermione:

I'm glad you're here now, Harry Potter

Ronald's being quite the rotter

I've almost pushed him in a bush

Because he tried to pinch my tush!

Harry:

Too much info, Hermy dear

And Ron, stop staring at her rear!

Ron:

But its not too thin and not too fat!

(HARRY stares as well)

Harry:

I cant blame you for groping that!

Vernon:

Find a room, you horny three!

And get the hell away from me!

In fact, go live out by the fen

And never come back here again!

Dumbledore's Voice:

Mind my last, Petunia dear

Vernon:

I'M NOT MY WIFE, YOU WRINKLED QUEER!

You friggen kids, you make me ill

Leave before I start to kill!

(The Golden Trio run out the door, and see DUDLEY playing on the grass. He waves at HERMIONE)

Dudley:

Thanks for the chew, you sexy felon

Now, was it grape or watermelon?

Hermione:

The former, fatso, juicy grape

Harry:

Hermione, isn't that man Snape?

Hermione:

That is the man, I do so fear

Ron:

What the hell's he doing here?

Snape:

I am Snape, the potion's master

Bringing you to safety faster

Your happy lives are now in danger

And by the way, nice bottom Granger

Ron:

Ew, stop that little nasty moan!

That booty's mine, and mine alone!

Hermione:

Sod off, you wanking tongue depressor

Harry:

What's the problem now, Professor?

Snape:

I'm taking you to Grimmauld Place

Where isolation you will face

We can't afford to let you out

For fear you'd die, without a doubt

You three, you're finally out of luck

The Half-Blood Prince has run amok

Hermione:

I've read the whole damn library

But I've never heard a word of he

Is he mean or is he nice?

Snape:

He's just a stupid plot device

Harry:

So why is he a sudden urk?

I bet I could beat up that jerk!

What makes this boob a fearsome prick?

Snape:

He carries one big giant stick

Ron:

NOT A STICK! That's really bad

My gramp just saw one, and went mad!

Hermione:

That seem so awful, every bit

Though I've never heard of it

We've got to get you off the street

Before this Prince hits you a beat!

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

Will Harry be alright?

Will he get into a fight?

Why am I still rhyming this?

Do you find these words amiss?

(Elfaghetti's note: 'I am Snape, the potions master' is written in homage to potterpuppetpals. Com. Go there. Now)