Chapter One: Living with Psychosis

-River-

"River" a male voice sounded in the blackness of her thought.

Why are there always voices in the dead of night? She thought to herself, unable to distinguish between the male voice and her own, yet trying to ignore this voice like all the other ones…

"River? Can you hear me" this voice was different. It was…soft… concerned… the voices in her head were never concerned for her… was that a real voice… from outside of her head?

She tried to open her eyes gently, but the light of the real world scared her. The light was too bright for her, it clashed with the blackness of her thought… but she had to see who asked for her. Her sight was blurry at first, and she felt drowsy for some reason. All she could see through the heavy blur was a pair of hands holding her down to the ground… or was it a table? A bed? She couldn't tell for sure, but she could not feel the hands.

"River?" the voice was clearer now. It was her brother, Simon, just on the right, or was it her left… awww what a headache. Her brow twitched as the sharp, yet familiar pain, cursed through it. She felt her head reeling, spinning out of control- and when that happens, she always feels that sharp pain, starting in the hippocampus, and penetrating the amygdale area- as her former self might have told her. But now she was different then before- she had could not hold such information anymore, only pain, and memories… pain and memories.

She felt a warm tear brushing against her cheek, but her vision was all ready blurry, so there was no way for her to know if her mind was just playing tricks with her, like it usually did.

"I hate the way she looks at me!" was that Jayne's voice? How could she be looking at him? She couldn't see a thing. It was only then she realized the light she saw moved.

"I have to give her something stronger this time" Simon said, "she is having another silent seizure, but you better hold her down, she doesn't like it when I make her sleep"

River's vision cleared at once. She saw Jayne leaning over her, holding her tight to the table, and her brother, holding a small flashlight that he directed at her right eye. She tried to free herself from Jayne's grip, but he was too strong for her- now she realized that he held her tight to her bed. Don't make me sleep Simon! She tried to say but sound simply could not get out of her mouth.

"Then don't make her sleep!" said Jayne at once and looked back at River "hell, I can tie her to the bed if she prefers it"

"I have to.. things will get much worse if I won't" he said back as she felt a sharp sting in her neck, and saw Simon raising his syringe and putting it on the table behind him. And then he looked back at her.

She might die if I won't

Another voice. This one was inside of her head, but it was Simon's.. no doubt about it. he did not open his mouth as she heard his voice. All inside her head.

"Then let me die" she whispered right before she went to sleep, but she could still hear his response "don't ever say that again! you hear me?"

She never understood people who told her about dreams- all she ever saw and heard when her brother made her sleep were voices- faint voices saying nothing- of people lying on the ground and never waking up. Of course she sometimes had faint memories of the experiments, and other memories that were not entirely her own- but today was different. She heard new voices, combined voices, of people with no face, saying- what were they saying? – NO COLORS.

She woke up later that day, feeling lighter than air. And looking almost normal, as she usually did after he made her sleep. The day was pretty normal for her, more normal than she felt in days. There were no outbreaks of the psychosis, and she could finally help Simon to reorganize his medicine stack. But then she remembered the words she heard in the darkness- NO COLORS. At that same moment she simply forgot about the medicine she was holding in her hand, and dropped it to the floor, listening to the vial breaking in a sweat harmonious sound.

"Are you all feeling all right" Simon asked her with a worried tone.

"I feel great" she said, "only two voices in my head"

"Is that so" he asked her looking concerned

Aww River, I wish you wouldn't have to carry that burden with you- her brother's voice sounded in her head again.

"Three voices" she corrected herself "what is a bur..burden?"

"I.. where did you hear that word"

"A voice in the wind"

"You know what a burden is" he said slowly and kissed her forehead

"I forgot" she answered, but before he could open his mouth to answer back, she said " it is something that is carried, or a source of great worry or stress", and she walked away dragging her bare feet on the metal floor

Later that evening, they all had supper together, as always, and later, they all planned their next big heist together… River watched Inara's face, as Jayne pronounced the word heist. Her silky, beautiful face, twitched as she looked at Jayne, and then her eyebrows arched lightly, as she turned her head towards the captain. She stared at his face for half a second, and then gasped lightly, so no one else could hear her, no one but River…

"It is getting late.." Inara started "If you are looking for me I will be in my shuttle" she said and left the room, gaiting majestically outside, her long dress sweeping Serenity's belly as she did so..

Book followed with his eyes, and when River looked at him, she felt something... she felt warm inside, although his face did not give away any feeling at all.

"Time for my evening prayer" said Book quickly and followed Inara out.

River followed Book with her gaze until he disappeared behind the doors. She dragged herself slowly from the room and followed them, still hearing Wash's faint voice behind her "How about we choose a heist that won't kill us this time" Later Jayne's voice "You never help anyway" and again Wash "next time you need picking up, just let me know so I won't come!"…

River followed Inara and Book to Inara's shuttle. She knew Serenity like no one other, probably even better then Kaylee, so she knew all the hiding places as well. River climbed, and hid on top of a metal platform, closest to Inara's shuttle and she could hear everything.

"You know he has no choice" she heard Book's voice, and somehow, she could see him in her head, she somehow knew he put his arm on Inara's shoulder, as she sat down on her bed.

"Everyone has a choice" she answered "you once told me that"..

"Yes, but he is being torn by his two greatest passions" he continued "and he does not know how to act.. give him time.."

"Well, he could only choose one of his passions, and seem like he had made his choice"

"He would come around, you know he loves you"

"I don't think he does anymore.. besides, he had a lot of time to figure out his next move, and it seems that he rather go on with his crimes instead of.."

"Loving you?" Book asked, and stared deep into Inara's eyes "you know it's not true"

"Maybe he will have more time with me gone.. Perhaps I should stay in Persephone for good this time"

"You should count on Mal to make right choices, but give him some time to think his way through. Remember that he has no money now, and some mouths to feed.. He will make smarter decisions after he will earn some money"

"Maybe you are right Shepherd.. But you cannot simply agree to all this"

"I believe, you should do what you need to survive.. as long as you don't hurt anyone… of course I am not a big fan of Mal's heists, but I do believe that there is true good inside of that boy, and that he needs some guidance.." he said and grasped his book tightly

"Somehow I doubt that this is the answer for Mal"

"I did not mean this kind of belief.." he said and tucked his book into his sleeve "any kind of belief, in good- I think he has that, he just doesn't know he has"

"Maybe you are right Shepherd, thank you" Inara said at once, and a smile lit her face "I reckon it will take some time though.. Jayne will not let Mal forget of the money in those heists, that easily"

"We must all have a little faith" he said and left for his room.

River heard everything, but she felt something weird as Inara pronounced Jayne's name. Something inside of River lit up… she opened her eyes at once and looked around, and all of the sudden, she knew what she had to do..

…

River gaited back into the kitchen area, right in the middle of an engaging conversation.

"I ain't taking that job" said Jayne, throwing his feet out on the table "it is too messy"

"You? Afraid of a little mess?" asked Zoe with a faint laughter in her voice, her husband soon laughed with her.

"Didn't say that.." he continued "we need all the manpower for this job"

Simon gave Mal a concerned look.

"Don't worry doctor" said Mal "Inara can stay with your little sister, as long as you help us out. Don't worry, your sister will still be as crazy as you left her.." he did not notice River stepping into the room as he said that.

"I am not going to hold a gun, if that is what you are referring to" said Simon

"Who said anything about guns? And besides with your aiming, we better off fighting some Reavers" continued Mal and a smile lit his face up at once..

"He will have to hold a gun Mal.. this is a dangerous mission" said Jayne at once "but he ain't touching mine!"

"Well" said Mal again "then I am starting to think that this mission is not for us… how about giving Wash a gun instead"

"No offence honey" said Zoe and looked at her husband, and then at Mal "I don't think that this is a good idea"

"Wh.." started Wash, and looked for the right words "I can fight! Remember how I caught this giant spider-rat a few months ago?"

"First" said Mal "who let them in the ship on the first place? Leaving bits of cheese on the floor?"

"I was hungry!" continued Wash, "It wasn't my fault the sandwich was too big.. I learned my lesson though, never eat cheese sandwiches while landing on a planet where people grow spider-rats as pets!"

"Second" continued Kaylee, with a frown "who took Jayne's gun and started shooting everywhere inside Serenity? It took me a month to close all of the holes up!"

"Yea.." said Jayne "he can't touch my guns either"

"But I hit one!" said Wash as a defensive move "right in his mouth!"

"Yes" continued Zoe "you shot the smallest one.. and of course you forgot that swallowing gunpowder makes them grow bigger and angrier!"

"I remember that" said Simon "you know how hard it was to calm River, after she saw monsters both in he dreams and on the ship?"

"And you know how hard it was to get them when they are bigger than really big?" asked Mal…

"Well, it was funny to watch Jayne wrestle them one by one" said Wash

"Funny?" asked Jayne "it took a month for their stench to leave"

"It wasn't the spider-rat's stench, it was yours!" continued Wash looking straight into Jayne's eyes. Jayne nearly jumped Wash, he stood up and Mal stopped him by putting his hand on his chest.

"Well Jayne, I must agree with Wash here" said Mal, as Jayne sat down again "you were definitely stinkier than those things"

"Well," said Jayne as he put his feet on the table again "at least it wasn't as bad as the rash Wash got all over his body!" he laughed so hard that he almost fell from his chair.

"How was I supposed to know I was allergic to these things?" asked Wash with a helpless look

"It wasn't the spider-rats you were allergic to" said Simon and rubbed his forehead "It was the cheese"

Everybody laughed at Simon's words, and even Wash joined their laughter at once. When the laughter subsided, Mal continued with the debate "we still have to decide which heist to take"

Then River stepped right in front of them all, and felt everybody eying her. She heard different voices in her head, Simon's voice saying her name, and then Wash's saying, is she?...

"Any suggestions my little Albatross?" asked the captain, as she stepped into their circle.

She looked at the captain as he spoke to her, looking deep into his eyes, and later examining his aura "pretty colors" she said at once "lots of pretty colors" and a smile lit her face.

She heard footsteps coming into the room and turned her head towards them, it was Book, and he looked at her, face full of concern.

"I think you should sit down" she heard her brother's voice next to her, and felt his soft warm hand on her shoulder. He tried to lead her to the nearest chair.

She shook his hand off of her shoulder and looked straight into his eyes "pretty colors" she said with a smile, feeling joy and warmth filling her body. Then she looked around the room and mumbled "bright colors". She saw Wash hugging Zoe in his arms and she could see their beautiful aura together "warm colors".. she said and looked at their aura that started to change slowly into pink and purple. "white, bright white" she said as her face turned to Book again. and then she stopped her gaze, directly at Jayne- "no colors" she said, and her smile disappeared completely from her lips.

She walked slowly towards Jayne, dragging her bare feet on the cold metal floor. "no colors" she mumbled again, looking deep into his eyes.

"What she say?" asked Jayne that did not like the look on her face- the innocent look confused him, and with her eyes fixed on his, he felt that she could see to the bottom of his soul.

"No colors!" she screamed, making Kaylee cover up her ears. Then, with no further ado, she drew a sharp metallic broken pipe, and slashed Jayne's shoulder- she watched his thick red blood, trickling down his shirt.

"該死!" Jayne yelled in pain, and grabbed his gun as an automatic response, but Mal ran to River and didn't allow him for a clear shot of that, that devil child.

Kaylee had let out a short yelp, and Simon grabbed River's shoulder "please drop the pipe" he tried to tell his sister, but she did not listen to him- her gaze was fixed on Jayne's bloody shoulder.

"Red" she said at once, with a tired voice "you have a color now". Mal caught her hand and made her drop the pipe to the floor. Then he held her hand tight behind her back.

"Don't hurt her" Simon said to the captain at once, but Mal did not flinch. He looked into River's eyes, and she could swear that his beautiful colors just turned darker. But after a few seconds, he loosened his grip and stood behind her- he still held her hand behind her back, but it did not hurt anymore.

"I hate that girl" said Jayne at once, raising his gun towards River's face. At that same Second River could see her head, right in the middle of a big red cross, inside the gun barrel- and the face she saw in that mirror like tunnel, turned sad in a moment, and she felt real tears running down her chicks. She could not see her face anymore- the world was clouded by her tears, and Jayne dropped his gun to the sight of her tears.

At first she did not know why she was crying about, but then she realized that it was because of the voices in her head- he will make you sleep, River-those were voices she haven't heard before, or haven't for a long time- where those her own voices, her own whispers in the wind.

"Don't make me sleep again Simon" she cried out, trying to get away from the captain's grip, and the more she struggled, the more of Jayne's blood trickled down her hand. "No", she said and managed to slip her arm away from the captain, but it was too late for her, she felt a sharp sting at the right side of her stomach, or was it her left? She could not tell anymore.

"This will not make you sleep River, this is just a sedative", she heard Simon's voice.

She felt heavy all at once, she could not stand, and couldn't even hold her head up- she fell down to her knees and stared blankly at the metal floor

"I will get her back to her room" he said to the rest of the gang, and picked River up with his strong hands, not caring about the blood that stained the back of his shirt. "Red is a color" mumbled River as she stared heavily on his stained shirt "red is a color".

...

Please review, tell me what you like or hate, and of course I am open for suggestions.

also note that River will not be the only main character in this story… the fan-fic will consist on crazy heists and fights, and also on the rest of the characters- Simon's quest of finding a new cure for his sister, Book's past will be reviled, with bits of Kaylee's future, and also more of Zoe and Mal war days, and Inara's issues with Mal will finally come out… and more..

and.. sorry about the chapter being close to what happened in the series- I wrote it before seeing that episode so I had no Idea about her already slashing him..

Thank you for reading so far, see you in the next chapter.