Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! RM OWNS IT I JUST USE IT!
I got this idea from a secret on the glee secret tumblr so I decided to write about it so enjoy!
Thoughts are italicized
Its been a year. One whole year since I had my little girl. It's also Christmas this is her first Christmas well if you want to get technical this is her second but it doesn't matter I'm missing my baby girl's first official Christmas. I don't know how I feel right now but I don't like it. This fucking year has been horrible for me ever since December of last year I just haven't been myself according to my family hell they didn't even know I was pregnant or a surrogate mother for two gay men then I was young and stupid and willing to do anything to make it in New York such as the situation I'm in now but if I could go back I would and maybe I would have fought a little bit harder to stay in my baby's life but enough about me I wonder if my daughter is having a good time with her dads I mean they don't exactly celebrate Christmas they do celebrate Hanukkah from what I learned being around them for nine plus months…
" Shelby you really need to get out of this apartment come on it's Christmas!" my roommate tells me
"I think I'll pass I have a lot on my mind and would like to be alone for a while" I reply
"Ok but you're missing out on the fun" she said and left out the apartment
I don't fucking care about the various parties around New York I care about knowing how my baby's doing I mean it's been a year and I haven't gotten any word on my daughter the one thing I asked the Berry men to do for me before the sprung that fucking contract on me was to write me one letter and tell me that my little girl was fine I didn't even want her name or anything of that nature just a letter hell it could have said something like this 'hey Shelby our baby girl is doing fine' and I would be perfectly fine. My minds not at peace with my decision that I've made but that letter I've been wishing for would be closure for me and I wouldn't be worrying and bombing auditions. I wish I could talk to someone about this maybe I should tell my family and use the little money I have left and get on the first train back to Columbus. No I can't do that my parents won't like the fact that I basically sold my daughter for a dream to see my name in lights shit they didn't even like the fact I got a degree in Musical Theater, maybe I can confide in my sister the one my parents deem perfect she's a fucking physcharist or therapist shit I don't remember but I need someone to talk to so here goes…
"Hello?" Elizabeth my older sister answered
"Liz…it's me" I answer my voice sounds so weak
"Shelby… its been too long since we last talked" Elizabeth replied
"I know is now an ok or you to talk if not I'll call back…"I started to say but she interrupted me
"anytime is an ok time if I'm talking with my little sis hold on ok" she said I hear some buttons being pressed then it occurred to me what she was doing
"no wait Liz don't put it on…"
"HELLO SHELBY!" I hear everyone and but everyone I mean my parents and brother-in-law say
SHIT! FUCK! SHIT! FUCK! Damn it Liz I just wanted to talk to you personally FUCK might as well tell them all now
"Hey mom, dad, Brian" I say nervously
"ok Shels what did you want to talk about" Liz asked me
I take a deep breath and say, "I want to tell you all everything that has been going on with me in the past year starting with February of 93"
"SHELBY MARIE CORCORAN WHAT EXACTLY HAS BEEN GOING ON WITH YOU" my mother yells and I wince
Another deep breath "Well… how can I put this you all know I was determined to get to New York and I needed money to get there so I saw an ad in the Lima newspaper that said nine months of work there and I would have enough money to last in New York for about two years so I took it…"
"What was this said job?" my dad asked
One last deep breath "IT WAS TO BE A SURROGATE MOTHER FOR TWO GAY MEN" I said really fast and in one breath
"We didn't quite catch that could you repeat it" Liz says
Damn you Elizabeth Corcoran
"I said it was to be a surrogate mother for two gay men" I repeated making sure the heard each word clearly
Well they haven't said anything yet oh my god I think I put them in a state of shock
"mom, dad, Liz, Brian say something anything please I begging you" I say what the fuck since when do I beg shit having a baby changed me in a lot of ways
Silence
"OH MY GOD SHELBY MARIE CORCORAN HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU GIVE UP YOUR CHILD,YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD FOR MONEY!" my mother yells at me
I feel the tears coming on I cried too many times over this I belittle myself everyday over this they don't know how I felt not being able to hold her well damn it they're bout to find out
"YOU THINK I DON'T ASK MYSELF THAT QUESTION EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST YEAR I 'VE DONE NOTHING BUT PUT MYSELF DOWN I'M FAILING AS AN ACTRESS FUCK I'M A FUCKING FAILURE I COULDN'T EVEN KEEP FIGHTING FOR MY DAUGHTER CAUSE I WAS SO HELL BENT ON BECOMING AN ACTRESS WELL GUESS WHAT MOM AND DAD I GUESS YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT ME CHASING A SILLY CHILDISH DREAM WAS GOING TO BREAK ME INSTEAD OF MAKE ME AND I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY!" and with that said I hung up no good bye, no happy holiday nothing and I don't really give a fuck although since I talked about it I feel a the weight lifted off my chest yet my heart still hurts
I feel childish for doing this but I'm sitting outside on our balcony and I look up at the sky and I see the star I use to wish on when I was a little girl but I have a Christmas wish to make this year and its not to be a famous actress its something better…
"my only wish this Christmas is for my daughter to be happy and I hope I get to spend one just one Christmas with my daughter"
Well there you go I hope you enjoyed it and leave a review if you want :-)