The Spork and the Egg Beater

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Rating: T borderline M

One-Shot Cracktastic

AN: I've been really sick so I need some kind of amusement. My sense of humor seems to be in overdrive and this crackfic is a result.

I really hope that you enjoy this and for those waiting on Best Kept Secret, I have three pages written so far. It should be up by the end of December. Right now as I am typing, I am using the ancient laptop that has a really really low screen light that doesn't bother me.

WARNING: SEXUALIZED COMEDY and use of the F word. Just under M

The Spork and the Egg Beater

When Jean Havoc asked Riza Hawkeye on a date for the fifth time that week the occupants of the office sighed. Didn't he ever give up? Breda and the others were laughing like crazy obviously expecting him to be rejected yet again by the stern Lieutenant. Then he would enter that oh so famous comatose stated that he deserved the credit for trade marking.

"Yes, I will go to dinner with you," she said to the shock of the office.

"Really? You will?" Havoc asked.

"Yes, pick me up Friday at seven," she said and walked away to pick up the rest of the paperwork.

Roy merely leaned back in his chair and yawned while the others stared at the door that the lieutenant had exited.

"She . . . she said she'd go out with me," Havoc said, stunned at the recent development.

"Yes she did Havoc," Roy stated.

"Don't you care?" Fuery asked.

"No, she's her own person," he stated.

"I mean aren't you jealous?"

"No, why should I be. The Lieutenant and I are only friends, nothing more."

The group was in shock. They'd always thought that the two were much more than friends were.

"I thought sure that you two were more than that," Breda stated.

"We fuck around a bit to tell the truth. She's quite the wild woman when in bed."

"You are telling me, that whip of hers is something else," Denny said walking in the room.

"You've slept with her!" Breda, Fuery, Falman and Havoc questioned loudly.

"Sure, her and the Colonel."

"WHAT?" Havoc exclaimed.

"Who hasn't," Maria stated entering and sitting at her desk.

Havoc lifted his hand to his chin. Ross and Hawkeye wouldn't be bad to see, he thought. Before he got the images in his head, Breda said. "You mean all of you . . . together? Denny, you, the colonel and Hawkeye?"

"Sometimes, usually it's one on one among all of us," Roy stated.

"Yeah, when we all get together the colonel and lieutenant have a biting fetish," Maria stated.

"Hey, we can't help liking the taste of blood."

Roy watched Havoc turn pale.

"Don't forget that whip of Hawkeye's," Denny said with a cringe.

"Yes, and the feather duster," Roy stated. All eyes turned to him. "She does wonders with various household items."

"She especially does wonders with that ironing board," Denny replied. They then turned their gaze on him, eyes wide.

"And the spatula," Roy said.

"As I remember sir, you quite enjoyed that toaster trick," Maria stated.

"Yes, yes I did," Roy stated.

"We can't forget the hitch em up trick. Riza always was good at handling three at once," Maria stated.

"She's always been really gifted at multitasking," Roy stated. He turned to Havoc. "You might have to share her; she doesn't like doing one thing at a time very much. That goes for doing people too."

Havoc's eyes were the size of saucers.

"We should warn you about the hot oil," he stated.

"Yes Havoc, don't let her get you with the hot oil until she really gets you worked up. It's great if you like the pain and pleasure thing," Roy stated with a smirk.

"We all agree that the best thing she does is her amazing skill with a spork and egg beater," Maria stated.

Denny and Roy nodded. "Hell yeah!"

Havoc got up from his chair. "Um... I think I am busy on Friday. I should really go tell Hawkeye." He rushed out of the room leaving a bunch of smiling faces, barely restraining any laughter. As he ran out Riza popped out from around the corner and smirked. That scene the others made up was absolutely brilliant. That should keep Havoc from asking her out ever again.

-------------------------------------------

Riza finished dressing in her outfit when her doorbell rang. She threw on her silk robe and answered to see a smirking Roy standing there. Barely giving him time to take off his coat, she pushed him against the door.

"Aren't we going out?" he asked when she pulled away and he saw she was dressed in her robe.

"I thought we could stay in tonight," she stated. "I have a trick I want to show you." She smirked at him.

"At trick?" he asked. She took off her robe to reveal a French maid out fit. "I am going to show you what I can really do with a feather duster," she stated and pulled him by the collar into the bedroom.

"What after that?" He questioned.

"I am going to have to come up with a trick using a spork and egg beater I guess," she chuckled. "Wouldn't want you to be a liar."

"Does that mean you'll give Maria joining us a chance," he asked. He had to admit that it did sound rather appealing.

"I suggest you clear your head of that unless you want the other head in a toaster, a plugged in toaster."

Roy never mentioned the Maria thing again. . .

AN: Please Review.