DEDICATED: To Severus, because you had such potential and JKR killed you. sob And also to my brand new beta, whom I love to kittens already, Tsurai no Shi (whom you should definately go check at, as she's an amazing author)!
WARNING: Some "crude" talk of sex, some cusswords.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. Nor do I own Alanis Morissette's song, "Hands Clean," which inspired this fic, and from whom I stole a few phrases, such as "flash forward to a few years later." (Thanks to madeleines-alive for correcting me on the title of the song, which I had gotten wrong in my rush to get the story out.)
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This Could Be Messy
"It's the simplest of equations. One and one. You and I. Us. What it adds up to is something that is beyond my power to resist." -Luthien; Compulision (HP)
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"It" started only days after Harry Potter's graduation and the following battle which lead to Voldemort's death. They still didn't like each other very much, but the sex was the best that either had had. They came together to avoid the crowds; the public that demanded to know both their stories. The Golden Boy-Who-Lived and the Dark Reformed-Death-Eater. And they stayed together.
If asked, Severus couldn't tell you how "it" actually started. The transition from war companions to lovers had seemed almost seamless. It would never have happened with anyone else that young; of course, no one else that young would have seen or done the things that the boy savior had. And it was this maturity, created by the loss of innocence, that unexpectedly drew Severus to the younger man. The maturity was a dark and twisted one, full of a wisdom only that could only be earned through pain.
On top of that, there was the strange dynamic of their relationship. There was all the past animosity that still stood between them, something that Severus knew from experience would never completely dissipate. There was the knowledge of the deaths that they had caused, and the uncertain feeling that they had saved lives. There was the years of Severus being the one in control, being the teacher and the molder. There was the recent knowledge that with all Severus' wisdom, Harry would always be more powerful than him. All of it seemed to meld together seamlessly into a relationship that worked, much to Severus' surprise, rather well.
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The first kiss had been a strange thing, not entirely unexpected but still a surprise. There was nothing gentle or loving: it was harsh and filled with a passion that had more to do with hate than love. The addiction was immediate, the aftertaste of power coated with the darker emotions that only they understood going straight to both head and groin. When Harry leaned in to kiss him again, Severus stopped him only millimeters away from the his own lips and felt the need to whisper, "This will only create trouble." The smirk that Harry shot him at that statement went straight to Severus' already burgeoning erection.
After the fact, as Harry splayed over Severus' body as though Severus were his own person pillow (Severus had given one pathetic attempt to get him off but hadn't the energy for another try), Severus said, "Nobody can know about this. It will just cause trouble." There was a slight movement from Harry's head, which Severus took as agreement.
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Flash forward to a few years later and Severus shook himself out of his memories, and cursed himself (not for the first time) for letting himself becoming maudlin in his old age. Sometimes, late at night, he couldn't keep the bitter loneliness away. It had been much more trouble than Harry was worth for Severus to get used to sleeping alone again, after only a month of having the younger man beside him every night.
Harry came and visited once in a while. He would stop by to see Ms. Granger (Severus, on the principle that he respected the twit far too much, refused to call her Mrs. Weasley) and of course the old man. Severus wondered if it bothered him that the boy-now-man had never stopped to see him. To be truthful, he was so used to hiding his emotions that sometimes even he was unsure of what he was feeling. But, as far as Severus could tell, Harry had effectively washed his hands of anything that happened between the two of them and, taking his cue from the smaller man, Severus acted the same way.
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That month, though, had been one of the best of his life. He wasn't used to having someone to depend on, but if there was one person in the world he felt he truly could, it was Harry. He knew that if something happened, he could trust Harry to take care of it, and in a way that he would probably approve of. But at the same time, the relationship of student and teacher continued, as Severus continued to teach Harry anything that he asked and he found he liked the co-dependence that had been established. If Harry had just been dependent on him, or vice versa, Severus would have been suspicious of ulterior motives, and he knew that Harry would have felt the same.
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Sometimes, when Harry stuck around for longer periods than the normal few days, Severus would wonder at the boy. Wonder if he had made up what had happened that month. Wondered if Harry had, full of new conquests, completely forgotten about the unattractive potion masters that he had fucked for that month after the war. When Harry was away, it was easy to make sense of the situation. It seemed ridiculously obvious that of course they would pretend that nothing had changed.
But when Harry was laughing with his friends, or in his serious talks with Remus, Severus couldn't help but remember the thoughtful conversations the two of them had held, naked and spent in bed. He missed the rapport that he didn't feel with anyone else. He missed the feeling that he could trust another person in every way possible. He missed the fact that he felt like he and Harry owed each other nothing. They were on even ground or, if they weren't, Harry never tried to take advantage of that fact.
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"It" started a few days after Harry's return to Hogwarts, this time as a staff member. Severus was walking to his rooms when strong hands pulled him into a hidden alcove, pressed him against a wall, and Harry was kissing him. Kissing him like the last few years he had been starving and Severus had been what he had been starving for. It was even darker and deeper than that month of passion.
Harry was moaning Severus' name repeatedly into his mouth. He pulled back slightly, his eyes sharp with an emotion that was harder than love but softer than passion. "I don't know if you can really just make yourself forget about what happened..." His eyes flickered down to Severus' already swelling lips. "But I can't." And then he was kissing Severus again, and Severus was losing himself in the darkness of their relationship and this time, he knew, he would either drown or Harry would have to catch him.
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Fast forward to a few years later and Harry was practically living in the dungeons with Severus. Still no one knew, and the heat still boiled up beneath their skin when they touched one another. Severus had expected it to dissipate after a time, tradition always stated that it would, but it never fizzled, never even flickered; if anything, time seemed to feed the bonfire, making it higher and wilder with each passing month. They had almost been caught numerous times and each time Severus expected Harry to leave before things did get messy. But those near-misses instead seemed to strengthen the bond between the two. And it was after one of those times that Harry began to make jokes about getting married if he would "stay lean and mean." Severus didn't know if the younger man was serious but, just in case, he kept up his exercises long past the point he would have normally stopped.
And the day that Harry formally proposed, still nobody knew. And that suited both of them just fine. And there were no declarations of the soft affection that neither of them possessed. Instead, there were declarations of heat and intent and, for them, that was better than that tender emotion others called love.
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MAILING LIST: For those of you that are interested, I do offer a mailing list. Reasons for joining? You'll get emails as soon as I update, telling you what I'm updating with, along with a description. You'll also get bonuses, such as sneak peeks at upcoming chapters. I oftentimes also use the group as a sounding board for ideas. If this interests you, please send me an email, don't leave a review. Thanks!
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A/N: First Harry/Severus! Squee! So, everytime I hear Alanis Morissette's song, "Hands Clean," it always reminds me of what I imagine Severus and Harry's relationship would be like. Eventually, I finally sat down and actually did this story. If you've heard her song, I'm sure you'll be reminded of it quite a bit; there are several phrases, such as "fast forward to a few years later," that actually come from the song. The story was actually originally packed with such phrases, but I believe I took most of them out. I'm not going to post the lyrics here, but if you search Alanis' name, "Hands Clean," and lyrics you should be able to find it very easily.
On another note, I'm completely freaked out that I actually did a Severus/Harry fic. They're such a complicated couple and Severus is such a complicated man. With all the fics I've read, I always thought his voice to be the hardest to capture, and the idea of doing a fic in his voice seemed like such a huge task, even this little one-shot. I think I did fairly well, but in the end what matters is what you think.
Petra Megami Assari