Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not even this computer.
Author's Note: This is a series of small monologues for each pilot that I did several years ago and decided to condense into one piece of writing with one chapter for each pilot. After re-writing many parts, I do hope that this work is as satisfying for you as it is for me, and it would be much appreciated if those of you who read it would be kind enough to review. This first one is Heero's. Enjoy.
Human
I am human.
How does everyone seem to miss that? I bleed, I feel pain, I have thoughts.
No one understands.
People call me the perfect soldier. I know I'm not, that I never could be. A perfect soldier would be a robot.
I am not a robot.
I am human.
I bleed human blood.
I was trained for war. Just because it's all I know how to do doesn't necessarily mean that I am somehow inhuman.
Everybody tries to hide emotion at some point. Like when they love someone who doesn't love them, when they are shunned because they are not as wealthy or skilled as another. Or when they have to kill someone because they depend on it. Because it's their job.
It's not wrong to hide emotions. It's wrong to cut them off. Everyone needs an emotion to live by, to live for, to live against.
Maybe I just don't like showing my emotions because they are judged as a weakness.
So how can you say that I'm a heartless beast for trying to give myself the advantage over the enemy and trying to stay alive just one more day, just because I'm not visibly saddened by what I do?
Sometimes I think about the people I have killed. I feel a deep sorrow, but it is never something that is big enough to get worked up over.
I know that it's wrong, but war is wrong too. So is not defending yourself for fear of hurting the attacker.
Because I'm not affected directly, or even indirectly by the deaths I cause, I can't feel anything for it. I destroy mobile suits without actually contemplating the fact that people are inside, dying.
Maybe I've just been fighting too many mobile dolls.
The mobile dolls are robots. They are not scorned for having no emotions. Yet they kill mercilessly, the most perfect soldiers that man has created so far.
They are the ultimate soldiers in the fact that they are robots.
But I...I am a different type of soldier.
I am not a robot.
Robots don't bleed.