First Gintama fic, and *gasp* it's GEN. I've never written gen!

Eh, so… I attempted to write in a Gintama-esque style. It's unbeta'd, unplanned, written in about an hour, and (good lord) I didn't put angst in it. If you're looking for densely angsty writing like my DN oneshots, no cigar here.

Warnings: Crudity, Disregard of Normal Tact, Slapstick, Gintama-Brand™ Frankness, Sarcasm

There Are Mundane Things That Nobody Really Talks About But Everyone Thinks About Anyway.

Today was especially not noteworthy in Gin-Chan's Yorozuya. Kagura was sleeping off her post-meal coma, snoring loudly ('with her stomach swollen with our income,' Gintoki thought dully).

Shinpachi was… well, elsewhere. Perhaps the Tsu Terakado cheering squad, but he really didn't know. He absently picked at an itchy spot of wax in his ear, and subsequently flicked it at Kagura's sleeping face. ('Tch, some people have no delicacy—that is not the snoring of a teenage girl; that's the sound of a Justaway going off in a dump truck.')

He wasn't that worried about Shinpachi. Shinpachi's chances of survival were already pretty high, what with him being one of the main characters. 'Main characters don't die, especially in the middle of the series. The director couldn't pull a fast one like that—the ratings would really tank.' So, put Shinpachi's status as a main character on top of his role as the sensible one with the un-fun personality, and the boy was as good as invincible. He was the least likely of them to die, now that Gintoki thought about it.

Really, the wellbeing of his charges should have entertained his thoughts longer, but he had a seriously huge hangnail from stubbing his toe at breakfast that morning. It was driving him nuts, so he brushed away the image of Shinpachi bleeding on the roadside, (fabricated somewhere in the small part of his mind that took responsibility) to get a pair of toenail clippers from the bathroom.

Thusly, we find ourselves at the current moment, with Gintoki sitting on the floor with a foot stretched awkwardly near his torso as he holds the toenail clippers.

"Is this something you guys really want to air?"

Please, Gin-chan, go back to what you're doing. I am the narrator, not the director or the story planner. Don't shoot the messenger.

"Ugh, this is pissing me off," Gintoki growled to himself, eyebrows scrunched inelegantly in concentration. 'I hate toenails. What a pain in the ass.'

A familiar "I'm home," followed by the sliding sound of the shoji interrupted "Katoken Summer," playing lowly on the television. Shinpachi walked into the living room in his Otsuu cheering garb, holding some plastic shopping bags.

Two thoughts occurred simultaneously in Gintoki's mind.

'Ah. See? He's totally unscathed.'

'He's so going to be the forty-year-old virgin in one of those crude satires.'

"Welcome back." He didn't lift his head from his task for the greeting, but he assumed Shinpachi was used to it by now. "How was cheering? Any groundbreaking developments in your proclamation of love for Otsuu-chan?" 'I really don't understand otakus.'

Shinpachi ignored the undertone of derision. "It was fine, Gin-san. Even though there are definitely less members since the fanclub wars, the turnout's still okay. We don't really need the 'Official Fanclub' title­—the efforts of the remaining members make it more than worth it…" He kept talking, and Gintoki started tuning out. Maybe it was Shinpachi's ardor as a fanboy that made him unwary of Gintoki's eyes glazing over in boredom, or perhaps it was because Gintoki's eyes always looked that way that Shinpachi didn't notice. It was a toss up, really.

'…Are you listening to yourself? How, exactly, are you retaining your pride as a man?'

Then he clipped a nail too short.

"…and Taka-chin has been—"

"GAHHHH!" Gintoki shrieked and jumped to a standing position, clutching his big toe, using his free hand to direct an accusing finger towards Shinpachi (who was setting the shopping bags on the counter).

"HURTS LIKE A BITCH! SHINPACHIII, WHY IN THE HELL DO WE NEED TOENAILS?! THEY GROW LIKE WEEDS, WE DON'T USE THEM, THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE EVEN—AGH! KON' CHIKUSHO! GOD, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS MUNDANE TRIAL, THIS GRATUITOUS PAIN—EH, KAMI-SAMA?!"

Shinpachi gave him a dry look. "…Please stop yelling at me because of your ineptness at clipping toenails. You'll wake Kagura-chan."

"INEPTNESS?! IT'S NOT EVEN A SKILL! We shouldn't even have toenails! …C'mon, Shinpachi, empathize with me. I'll give you 300 yen."

"If you have the money, put it towards the rent."

"Okaa-san is mean. She's being no fun."

"Gin-san, how are you an adult right now?"

"…Shut up. At this rate, you're gonna give yourself gray hairs at a young age and you're gonna be the forty-year-old virgin with that getup, fanboy. Empathize or leave me be."

"That's irrelevant!" Shinpachi said defensively, smoothing out his blue cheering haori for no particular reason. "And Gin-san… Your hair is grey."

Pause. "…It's silver. 'GIN,' y'know. It wouldn't be 'GINtoki,' or 'GINtama' or 'GINpachi-sensei' if I had just grey hair. The play-on-words would no longer work. And anyways, who would name a show 'Grey Soul?' It's bound to be depressing with such a title. So, Shinpachi-kun, you're dismissed. Go sit in the hall."

"WHAT HALL? THIS ISN'T 'GINPACHI-SENSEI!' AND WHAT'S WITH THIS SUDDEN AUTHORITIVE TONE?! WHERE DID THAT GRIPEY TEN-YEAR-OLD GO FROM A FEW SECONDS AGO?"

"Now, who's being loud?"

A vein popped on Shinpachi's forehead. "…I think I should go to the higher-ups and request a recasting for main characters."

"Shinpachi, then it wouldn't be called 'Gintama' anymore."

The slapstick scene was going to come about, Shinpachi's patience had stretched paper thin (like always), and it was the moment Kagura awoke from her nap.

"…Wha's going on, Gin-chan?" She rubbed her eyes, and Shinpachi came into view. "…Oh. You're back, Four Eyes? How was your emasculation ritual?"

"Gin-san…What have you been telling Kagura?"

"Just the truth. Only the truth. Nothing but the truth."

(What an impish grin, Gintoki.)

Kagura tilted her head in a deceivingly chaste way. "Ne, Shinpachi? Why don't you jerk off in the bathroom? Then you might stay a boy."

Amazingly enough, Shinpachi let that one slide. Instead, he reached inside one of the shopping bags and threw an item into Kagura's lap.

"Kagura-chan, here are the tampons you asked for. They're the 'heavy flow' ones."

Touché.

"O-oi. Shi-shi-Shinpachi-kun? She's looking pretty mad… Eh heh. Huh, yeah… I-I can't see her eyes; the animators are using that sinister shadow… She's c-cracking her knuckles."

"HOW DARE YOU MOCK A GIRL BLOSSOMING INTO WOMANHOOD?!"

On that note, Gintoki left the house promptly.

***

Later, when he deemed it safe to do so, Gintoki came back to the house.

Even with the tampons stuck up Shinpachi's nose to absorb the blood from his broken-in face, today was…still especially not noteworthy in Gin-Chan's Yorozuya.

FIN