AN: This one occurred to me as I was re-reading part of Explosive Eighteen – when they had sex in Joyce's closet – I had an epiphany about Ranger. I'm normally a complete Babe, but this one scene was really bugging me. Then I thought 'what if Stephanie had the epiphany? So then I had to write it…
Disclaimer: they belong to JE, obviously.
Epiphany
"That's not your gun is it?" I asked him.
"No," he said. "It's not my gun."
When I finally tumbled out of the closet, I was missing some critical pieces of clothing, but I was feeling much more relaxed.
"I told Morelli."
"Then, I'm sure he's there with a cadaver dog. He's an idiot, but he's a good cop."
"Why is he an idiot?"
"He lets me get close to you."
(Janet Evanovich, Explosive Eighteen, page 76, Trade Paperback edition, 2011)
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
He lets me get close to you.
Hi words played on my mind over and over as we left Joyce's house and got into the car to drive home.
He lets me get close to you.
What did that mean, really? He lets me… well, not really. Or did he? Morelli was always trying to tell me to stay away from Ranger, but did he let Ranger get close to me? I didn't think that was really true. Or did I have no choice in this? Was it all between them? Is that what the fight in Hawaii was all about? Two alpha dogs fighting over their bone?
… get close to you. What did that mean? Certainly not emotionally. Ranger was completely closed off to me emotionally. Intellectually? Don't think that's true either. He never really talks to me about much, it's not like we have deep and meaningful conversations about world events. Or anything at all. Socially? Nah, not that either. He doesn't take me on dates. We only ever eat at Hayward Street or my place. He didn't even take me out to eat in Hawaii, we just kept ordering room service. So really, that just left one way he got close to me… physically, sexually.
He certainly did that in Hawaii. And again in Joyce's closet.
He lets me get close to you.
OHMIGOD! HOLY FUCK!
"What Babe?"
Uh oh, must have said that out loud. "Oh, nothing."
"Didn't sound like nothing, Babe."
"Oh well, I just… I had kind of an epiphany."
He quirked an eyebrow at me. "Care to share?"
"Oh, not really no."
He smirked, "Not even with your closet chum?"
That got me irritated. "Well I was thinking about what you said, about how Morelli lets you get close to me."
"And?"
"And I don't think it's really very accurate. I mean he doesn't let you get close to me. If Joe had his way, I wouldn't be anywhere near you. He doesn't like you, you know."
"Yeah, I'm aware Babe. That was your epiphany?"
"Umm, no. Not really. So after that, I was thinking about what the phrase close to me means. I mean, you're not close to me emotionally, I have no idea what you feel about me most of the time. If you even feel anything, I guess. And we're not intellectually close, you hardly talk to me about anything. And not socially, you've never even taken me on a date. So that only leaves close to me physically. And I realised…"
Ranger was silent, he seemed totally dumbstruck by my speech.
"I realised that… well, that I'm your fuck-toy."
"WHAT?"
"Well, think about it. You only come near me to kiss me and feel me up, and fuck me occasionally. We don't date, we don't talk, you're not interested in a relationship with me. When you're done with me, you just push me aside like a discarded toy. A fuck-toy."
"YOU ARE NOT MY FUCK-TOY!"
"Sure seems like it. So how would you classify us?"
"I thought we were friends. I am emotionally close to you. And I do care about you. And I would have thought that was obvious after Hawaii. I don't push you aside like a discarded toy!"
"Humph. No. I don't think that works. I mean, if you had really cared that much after Hawaii, you would have come back after me and told me. You wouldn't have fought over me like a dog with a bone. You wouldn't have stood there with an amused, condescending smirk on your face and told me I couldn't hide from you. You would have picked my lock and beaten down my door and told me it didn't matter about Morelli. That you wanted me, a relationship with me. But you don't. You just want sex. With your fuck-toy."
"FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP CALLING YOURSELF MY FUCK-TOY!"
I was silent for a minute. Ranger seemed really pissed at me. But, honestly, I thought I was onto something. Maybe he was pissed that I figured it out. Maybe he thought I'd go back to Joe and stop being his fuck-toy.
Joe. Did he really share me with Ranger as a fuck-toy? Let Ranger get close to me? No, I don't think he wanted Ranger close to me. I think it pissed him off that Ranger shared me as a fuck-toy.
OHMIGOD! HOLY FUCK!
"What THIS time? Another epiphany?!"
Uh oh, said it out loud again. Gotta stop doing that.
"Kind of, yeah. I just realised something else. Joe… he treats me like a fuck-toy too. He doesn't take me on dates. He doesn't talk to me about anything, not even his work. I think he's even given up on a permanent relationship with me, hasn't asked me to marry him in years. And he's the one who suggested we should see other people too. So… fuck-toy. Sex when he feels like it with no strings. Just like you."
Ranger seemed dumbstruck again. Had to be a record. I had struck Ranger dumb twice in one day.
"Shit. Fuck-toy for two guys. Only difference is Joe would want me to be his exclusive fuck-toy, no matter what he claims otherwise. You seem happy to share."
"WHAT?!"
"Well you do. You even sent me back to him the first time. And your only comment this time is that he's an idiot for allowing you to share me."
"Stephanie, for the last time, you are not my fuck-toy! And I certainly don't share you with Morelli."
"Well, you're not asking for exclusive rights. Not when you tell me he's an idiot for sharing me. OH! SHIT!"
"What NOW?"
"I just realised that you're never going to want a relationship with me. You don't respect me. You couldn't. You'd never be willing to share me if you respected me, or if you saw a future with me. Well shit. I've been in love with two men for years, and they both see me as a fuck-toy. Shit. And I've let you both use me like that. I did. That's really depressing. That's like… I'm a slut. A worthless slut. That's worse than being a fuck-toy."
Ranger wrenched the steering wheel over and pulled the car to a very abrupt halt. I jerked against the seatbelt as the tyres shrieked and looked over at him. He reached over and grabber my shoulders to force me to face him.
"OK, once and for all, let's get this straight. I don't know if Morelli sees you as a convenient fuck, or something more. Only you and he really know what you feel for each other. If it's true, then you should dump his ass and tell him to fuck off. But I don't see you as just a convenient fuck. You are my friend. One of my closest friends. You are NOT my fuck-toy, you are NOT worthless, you are NOT my slut, and you never will be. If we have sex, it's because we both want it. I'm extremely insulted that you would imply otherwise."
I shrank a little before his outraged anger. "OK Ranger, I hear you, I understand." He nodded once, sharply, and pulled out again to take me home.
But I don't really believe you. I'm a worthless slut. A fuck-toy to two men who don't respect me. Shit.
So what do you think? One-shot? Or should I keep going (AFTER I finish It's Not OK, I promise!)