Hiya! Just I polished up a decrepit little draft I found in the bowels of my laptop. I also 10/10 encourage you to go listen to the song in the epigraph of this piece, even if you don't speak a lick of French. It's great, trust me.
Disclaimer: That's right, I am still a university student with no actual rights to HP.
MC4 Submission Info
Shipping Wars (2019) info
Ship (Team): Remus Lupin and (don't call me) Nymphadora Tonks
List (Prompt): Big List ; Getting together
Word Count: 2997 without epigraph, 3051 total
Spring Bingo (2019) info
Space Address (Prompt): C1 (Rabbit/Hare)
Word Count: 2997 without epigraph, 3051 total
I Know You Believe in Magic
J'm'en fous
Dis moi même les mots durs
Je suis prête à les entendre
On ne sait pas tout y
Je nous tue en silence
Pourtant, je n'ai qu'une seule envie
C'est de pleurer comme tu me manques
Même mes "Je t'aime" à l'encre blanche
N'ont plus de sens
-Si tu m'aimes encore, Sh'ym
Sirius, of course, was as extravagant of a drama queen as he could possibly manage in this particular moment- which was to say, being himself.
"Of course, Remus here managed to cast one," he said. "Brilliant, gifted, oh-so-handsome Remus."
"Incorporeal," Remus said. He wasn't usually bashful about doing well in class. Especially since Professor Bactosh's face when he'd declared that never had he seen somebody produce even the hint of a patronus so quickly was rather pleasing. But something inside Remus was stirring and restless; he wanted to do better, he knew he could.
"Don't be humble," James said.
"You even beat me at charms for once, Remus," Lily said, smiling teasingly.
"That I did," Remus said. "You owe me a butterbeer."
"What if I beat you at something in Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Lily said. "Then are we even?"
"We'll see," Remus grinned.
But he did want to keep practicing. They were at their usual spot on the banks of the Great Lake. Lily and James shed their robes and rolled up the hems of their trousers to wade in and skip rocks—Lily was trying to prove to James that it was indeed possible to skip a stone four times (she swore she'd already managed it), and James was always looking for a chance to arouse the Giant Squid from the depths of the lake.
Since Peter and Sirius were tracing tic-tac-toe grids in the dirt and otherwise occupied, Remus stood under their favourite tree and practiced the spell. Expecto patronum. Expecto patronum. Expecto Patronum. Expecto Patronum-
He closed his eye to visualize the memory better—Bactosh had spent forever and a day talking about wand movement and diction, but this felt even more important. The choice of memory was easy: he was in the Transfigurations classroom they'd copied one of McGonagall's key for, sitting on a desk and swinging his legs and watching the others, occasionally calling out lines from the Animagus' Treaty of 1278, the most recent text on becoming an Animagus that there was. Mostly he watched the others. Every now and then, Sirius just made lion noises and pounced on James' back and Peter screamed in surprise, which was entertaining. And then, all of a sudden, Sirius scared the hell out of James so much that James turned into a stag. For the first time. The rest of them screamed and James was so surprised that he turned back to himself with a look of shock on his face, before turning back into the stag again and galloping around the classroom triumphantly.
"Moony!" Sirius cried.
Remus opened his eyes and watched a great, silvery shape. It had burst from his wand and now ran towards the water and splashed around for a while like a dog—but it wasn't. It was a…
Remus dropped his wand and the shape vanished. Lily, who had been laughing and splashing water back at the wolf, looked back to him.
"You did it!" She said triumphantly.
"Why'd you drop your wand?" Peter asked. "You did it! Bactosh would wet himself."
"Did anybody see that?" Remus asked looking at the students all around him.
"No," James said. "Everyone's studying for NEWTs. What's the matter?"
"You saw what it was," Remus said. The irony of it was just so cruel.
"It was a dog," Sirius said.
"No, it wasn't, the head was bigger and the jaw was different," Lily said. "It was a-"
"A wolf," Remus said. The odds were rather high that if he picked up his wand at the moment, he might snap it in two.
"Yeah, mate," James said, slowly wadding out of the water and making his way towards Remus. He touched his elbow. "Listen, it doesn't matter what shape it has. It's a corporeal patronus! That's brilliant."
"It's ridiculous," Remus said. "It couldn't possibly be more revealing, more…"
Remus sighed. Peter handed him his wand, and Remus promptly slid it into the pocket of his robe.
"It doesn't matter," Remus said. "It's fine."
"Sweetheart, you don't look fine," Lily said wadding out of the water to join him.
"I am," he said. "I forgot something in Bactosh's class…"
"That's so transparently a lie," Peter said.
Remus was walking away, but he heard James tell the others to let him go.
Of course he hadn't forgotten anything anywhere, but he spent half an hour tracking down Bactosh and found him in the teacher's lounge to ask how one could change one's Patronus. That's when he found out that you couldn't.
His friend did not like to be locked up, which was understandable since that had been his entire life for the last twelve years. Remus had very few neighbours, but he had told Sirius not to spend too much time gallivanting the woods outside the cottage considering Dumbledore's advice to "lie low." Unsurprisingly, Sirius was grumpy about it.
"Would hearing some good news lighten your mood?" Remus told Sirius.
"Entertain me," Sirius said.
"Harry can cast a Patronus spell," Remus said.
"He can cast one?" Sirius said. "Merlin's beard. We were in seventh year and we could barely manage it…"
"I've been teaching him," Remus asked.
"Of course you have." Sirius said.
"I didn't even tell you the good news yet."
"The fact that my godson is a prodigy isn't it?" Sirius asked.
"Now, now. Aren't you interested in hearing what form it takes?" Remus asked.
"It's corporeal?" Sirius asked.
"It's a stag," Remus said.
Sirius sat up and looked at him, mouth open. He closed it, suddenly pensive.
"You know, not a day goes by when I don't miss them—Lily and James," Sirius said. "Seeing Harry, and then meeting him… James jumps out at you. But he's so much like Lily, it's… I can't believe they didn't raise him."
Remus wasn't sure if that was due to how similar they were, or if it was just plain incredulity—the kind Remus himself felt every time he pondered the injustice of it all.
"I suppose magic doesn't lie," Sirius said. He shook his head. "A stag Patronus…"
"I suppose it doesn't," Remus said pensively.
Following Harry's misadventure, Dumbledore had recommended that all Order members learn to cast the Patronus charm and volunteered Remus for the task of teaching them.
"After all," Dumbledore said, "Harry managed to take care of himself perfectly and we know who taught him how to cast a Patronus."
They cleared out the largest room that wasn't in constant use in 12 Grimmauld Square, which was a dining room whose walls were adorned with paintings of Medieval witch burnings—probably designed to serve as reminders of how savage Muggles were.
"Right," Remus said standing in front of the first batch of Order members that needed training. "The décor's definitely setting the mood for a spell based off of joy."
There were some laughs. Dumbledore was there, probably as a show of support more than anything else since Remus would be incredibly surprised, should he not know how to cast a Patronus.
Remus rolled up the sleeves of his cardigan.
"Who here has already cast a Patronus?"
There were a few hands.
"Good," Remus said. "What about a corporeal Patronus?"
Most hands went down.
"That's alright," Remus said. "It's tricky magic, and a non-corporeal Patronus will usually buy you time fine enough to get away from a Dementor…"
He was surprised at how quickly he slipped back into his role as a teacher. In a funny enough way, the Order had quickly become a class of students. They practiced diction, wand movement, he made them visualize the memory they would use, and then he organized everybody in pairs, face to face along the dining room's length, and they put it all together.
"I see why the children loved having you as a teacher so much," Molly said as Remus corrected her wand movement.
"Thank you," Remus said. "You're really, really close…"
"I can't do it," Sirius whispered to Remus nervously. "I spent too long in Azkaban, Remus, something's wrong…"
"That can't be true," Remus said. "We'll practice together later, okay?"
Sirius nodded, though he still looked concerned. A few yards away, Kingsley and Tonks were paired up and not getting very far either, but that seemed to be their own faults.
"Here, let me provide incentive," Tonks said. She flipped her robe over her head and started swaying back in forth in what would have been a passable imitation of a dementor, had it not been for the sound effects. Remus chuckled, and her head popped back out. She grinned.
"I'm surprised this isn't part of Auror training, given how much time you spend in proximity to Azkaban…" Remus said.
"Official departmental line is that no Auror would ever need a Patronus," Moody intervened. "What with them being under the control of the Ministry and so on…"
"It works out quite nicely," Tonks said. "You know, given how kind and rational and understanding dementors are."
Remus grinned.
"It's definitely good motivations to learn now," Kingsley said. "Focus Tonks, or I'll kick your ass during our dueling exams tomorrow."
"You can't kick my ass on any given day," Tonks laughed. She turned to Remus. "Can I ask a favour?"
"Of course," Remus asked.
"Could you cast a Patronus spell? See, I'm quite visual," Tonks said. "I think it would help me to see how it's done."
"Oh," Remus said. "Of course…"
He drew his wand. Tonks' question had gathered a fair amount of curiosity, and Remus felt the eyes on him. Remus noticed Sirius in particular. He thought of the first time he'd seen Sirius' Animagus form— Remus hadn't seen him transform, actually. He'd been in the infirmary the day after a full moon when James and Peter had come to visit with a big, shaggy black dog on their heels…
"Expecto patronum," he said.
The wolf burst out of Remus' wand and took a few steps before dropping to the floor and rolling around, like a dog. If Remus hadn't known better, he would say that it might even look as if the Patronus was happy to be out and about after so long. Remus usually settled for a non-corporeal Patronus, but today that wouldn't be so helpful. Besides, the entirety of the Order already knew his status. All of Britain, actually.
The wolf got back up and trotted around the room curiously, before stopping in front of Tonks and nudging at her playfully. Her gaze had been surprisingly sharp and analytical as she watched him until that point. Now, she laughed.
"He's beautiful."
Remus forced a smile but waved his wand to dismiss it as she reached out to touch it.
"I hope that helps," he said.
And sure enough, within ten minutes she had a jack rabbit jumping across the room. Tonks was laughing to herself as she watched her (surprisingly animated) patronus go, and even turned her own ears into those of a rabbit to match it, which made Remus laugh.
Remus made the mistake of moving closer to where Sirius stood, watching.
"Your Patronus sure seemed to like Tonks," Sirius said.
"It's a manifestation of magic," Remus said. "I have no idea what you could possibly mean."
"That wolf, eh?" he said. "Always misbehaving…"
"You're an idiot," Remus said.
"Do you reckon it's because wolf Patronuses eat wolf rabbits or because wolf Patronuses—"
"Sirius Black, I will hex you into next week if you don't shut up," Remus hissed.
Sirius only laughed, and at that moment Molly Weasley produced a very regal lioness which provided a much necessary distraction.
"I don't believe you."
"Then I don't know what to say," Remus said coolly. It was hard, not confessing to her that she'd caught him, that she was right. Because she was right. He didn't want to leave her. But he had to. He'd made that decision a week ago, when Sirius had died. He'd been friends with Sirius in a different time, in a different place, when it had been less dangerous for him to associate with others so closely. He couldn't do the same now. He couldn't do this to Dora.
« Tell me, » Tonks said, wringing his hand without realizing how hard she was holding on. "Tell me all at once, tell me honestly, and tell me that I'm the problem, then I'll let it go. If you tell me that you don't love me, I'll hear it. I'll listen. But be honest."
Remus couldn't lie to her. He couldn't lie very well to begin with, but she was especially difficult.
"Dora it's not that I don't love you enough, it's that I love you too much to do this to you," Remus said.
"There's no such thing as too much love," Tonks shook her head. "It's not quantitative, you don't measure it up for a potion, Remus..."
"No it's not, but you feel it," Remus said. "And when I look at you I feel such wonder at all the kindness and strength and- and radiance that you have…"
"For Merlin's sake Remus, don't break up with a girl by calling her radiant," Tonks said.
"There is so much in you," he said, reeling back to his point. "You have no idea how much being with me would clip your wings, Dora. You don't."
"I do," Tonks said. "Remus, I work in the Ministry. I work with the lunatics who pilot these legislatures, I'm called onto focus groups to brainstorm them… Maybe I just see you more kindly than you see yourself. Maybe you're wrong."
"Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe Dolores Umbridge will make it a crime for werewolves to hold wands and cohabitate with wizards and maybe she'll put the trace back on the lot of us," Remus said. "Maybe she'll stick us all in one giant pen and hope that we eat each other. Tonks, that's the truth. Even if you don't care, it's not about you. It's about the rest of the world, which will eat you alive."
Dora looked up at him. She looked away and wiped her eyes.
"What I liked about you, the very first thing I liked about you, is that you took me seriously," Tonks said. "I don't get a whole lot of that—not until I hex someone, at least, what with the pink hair and the age gap and the being a girl and all. But you were different."
Remus didn't say anything, hoping that maybe this would slice through the final sinews of hope. He had a plethora of things he could say to her swarming in his head –mean things, harsh things, untrue things, all of them—that could make her leave. But he knew he would never have the strength to say them. If she could just go, go on her own…
"I've learned that as long as I take myself seriously, this world you're so afraid of will follow," she said.
She turned away but paused. For a second Remus thought she was going to turn back to him and he wondered how on Earth he was supposed to survive a second onslaught. But Dora only drew her wand.
"Here," she said. "If you don't believe me, magic doesn't lie… expecto patronum."
From her wand burst a large, silvery shape. Remus recognized the way the creature walked, how its weight bounced from one side to the other, the way it held its head… The silvery she-wolf that appeared chilled his blood.
"What happened to the rabbit?" Remus asked quietly.
"Don't be daft, you know fully well," Tonks said. Still, she left.
But the reality of it was, Remus hadn't known. Professor Bactosh had told him, all those years ago, that Patronuses didn't change.
"It's excessively rare," Dumbledore told Remus when he asked. "It takes a rather profound shock."
It made sense. Remus hadn't known how profoundly smitten one could be then either.
Remus dug up the wand he'd buried at the edge of the woods for the duration of his stay in the werewolf colony. He hated the feeling of digging it up, hated it. It made him feel closer to the animal he was being classed as. The animal currently making you useful to the Order, he reminded himself.
He sighed. Today he was particularly irate. The Order had started scheduling meetings early in the morning after Full Moons, when Remus could slip away from the pack and claim to have wandered further away than usual during the Moon. But lately, it was taking him longer and longer to wake up and come back to himself the day after. He hated it, hated it. But he'd recognized this change early enough to warn Dumbledore that his updates may be starting to take the form of Patronuses, now, so at least there was that.
Once he'd recovered his wand and dusted it off, he closed his eyes. He cast the Patronus without thinking, whispering the incantation before he registered what the memory was and stopped himself. Laying in bed with Nymphadora Tonks and arguing over the radio channel and laughing at the media's ridiculous coverage and inventing new song lyrics and maybe doing the whole thing with a cup of coffee in hand was not an appropriate memory to choose.
But he did. He was so shocked when he saw his Patronus that he forgot to be mad at himself.
"Oh, fuck," Remus said. "Oh—shit, no, come back, don't tell Dumbledore that!"
The rabbit turned back towards him and hopped closer. Its nose was twitchy, and it looked around curiously. It looked full of energy and about to burst into motion, like a spring. Like Dora, come to think of it.
"Okay," Remus told himself. "Focus. Dumbledore needs to know…"
Dora needs to know, part of him said.
He scratched the back of his head and looked at the Patronus again.
"I don't know what to do with you," Remus said. And wasn't that the truth.
She was sitting on the castle's steps, her arms resting on her knees. She looked exhausted. He'd seen her wearing her natural hair colour, though that felt wrong to say since there was nothing unnatural about the pink in her case… When she was getting ready in the morning and experimenting with pigmentation, when she was bored in Order meetings, when she was sleeping profoundly—those were cases where her hair turned brown. He hadn't known that her magic had gotten stuck since he'd gone underground.
He crossed the courtyard and went to her, kneeling in front of her. She looked up and bit her lip.
"I know you're quiet," Dora said. "So I'm sure that little outburst in the infirmary wasn't your favourite. But I… I had to tell you."
"I have to tell you something too," he said drawing his wand. He took a deep breath, because he could lie to Tonks and he could lie to himself, but magic never did. So after this moment, there would be no going back.
Still, he knew he was doing the right thing when he closed his eyes and it was her face, laughing at something he said for the first time, that came to mind.
"Expecto patronum."
And there came the jackrabbit again.