Title: But I Thought They Hated Each Other
Series: Warning: Assumptions Are Bad
Sequel to: But I Thought You Were Straight and Why Jim Should Not Write His Own Press Release
If you haven't read the previous stories, you should be able to keep up with this with the following pieces of information. Admiral Barnett's wife, Jane, has known Jim since he was a baby and has been a surrogate mother to him. Spock dated Pike before Nyota but the relationship fell apart because Spock wanted to get married/bonded and Pike was a closet case. Nyota knew all along that Jim was not that heterosexual. Unfortunately, she had no clue that she was Spock's rebound. It turns out some Vulcans are really good at lying. She was not that happy when she discovered that fact. (If you find this summary intriguing, I suggest reading the first story in this series.)
It only took about a year, but I finally got around to the sequel. Theoretically, this should be a short story, for me anyway. Of course, my definition of 'short' is anything under 60,000 words.
Summary: "Let's watch what our friends and family really think about us. It will be fun."
After being married for almost a year Jim and Spock finally have time to watch the uncut footage from their wedding video due to being quarantined. (Don't ask, but at least they are trapped together.) What do their friends and family (and I use the term loosely) really think of their relationship? Also, can our favorite couple survive three weeks of medical captivity with no sex?
Rated T for sexually suggestive dialogue and because Jim and Spock will probably be making out all the time in this story even with the sex band.
Thank you to Teddy Bear for reviewing this chapter. All remaining mistakes are mine or the voice recognition software's.
Disclaimer: I own Jane, but that's about it.
Prologue: The (Second) Honeymoon is Over Before It Starts
Jim was planning to give Spock the best first anniversary gift ever complete with a luxurious sex field vacation light years away from incompetent crewmembers who keep dropping dead on away missions, homophobic Admirals, intrusive reporters (Jane doesn't count) and angry fan girls who are still just a little upset about the wedding. (There are a few angry significant others in there too, some of the clinically insane variety.)
They were supposed to spend two weeks at the New San Juan resort on Risa in one of the luxury villas. It was supposed to be perfectly private so that Jim may be able to talk Spock into that thing with the body paint and handcuffs again. The villa alone was about the equivalent of a month's salary even with the extreme discount they were giving to the two guys who saved earth. Nothing was too good for his husband. Besides, considering his husband's trust fund, they could afford it.
Spock would be fascinated with the replicas of oldSan Juan architecture and enjoy the tropical island temperatures. Jim would be happy with the fact that they had an actual rum distillery on the property. If they had more time to actually travel back to earth for shore leave, they would visit the real Old San Juan but it just wasn't possible. Jim had to put in favors from both his pseudo mom and his husband's ex boyfriend to get as much time as he did. Because everything needed to be perfect, Jim actually began planning Spock's totally awesome anniversary present about two weeks after they returned from their honeymoon. Just the fact that Jim actually planned something in advance would probably make Spock happy. That's one thing his favorite Vulcan doesn't like about him.
Like most things in life, his wonderful second honeymoon surprise was completely fucked up by a combination of Starfleet screwing him over and the universe hating him. First, despite playing the "you know you owe Spock for screwing him over" card with Pike, their shore leave was delayed five days so they could convince a supposedly neutral planet to grant the federation mining rights to certain minerals that were previously only available on Vulcan. Despite the delay, they would arrive on vacation before the day of their actual anniversary if everything went right.
Unfortunately, this is his life and everything went to hell quickly. When he says goes to hell, he means lots of dead bodies. It turns out the entire negotiation was a trap. Starfleet is not sure who was responsible yet but it was still a bloodbath. The weapon of choice was some virus that managed to kill almost everyone down on the planet in a matter of minutes except for him and Spock. Jim was very thankful that he talked Bones and Ny into not coming to the negotiations. Whoever chose that particular virus most likely did not know that it affected Vulcans and their bond mates differently. It would have killed both him and Spock eventually, but it took longer. The delay gave Bones enough time to get them off the planet in and to sick bay. Jim owes everybody on his husband's science team a round of drinks for synthesizing the antidote in time for him not to be dead.
The good news is that they're not dead. Unfortunately, they are in quarantine for the next three weeks just to make sure the extremely deadly N4H7d3Q1 virus was completely out of their system and they would not spread it any further. This essentially meant that the absolutely wonderful anniversary surprise wasn't happening. Instead, they get to spend three wonderful weeks in the medical containment unit at Star Base 42 as the rest of the crew got to take their shore leave as scheduled and his ship undergoes necessary renovations. To add to the misery, he had to listen to Bones complain that he was losing quality drinking time to keep an eye on his favorite idiot and his long suffering husband.
Jim personally thinks this 'quarantine' is complete bullshit and this is most likely a punishment for his unedited press release regarding what he really thought of people who are upset about his marriage, 'accidentally' became public during another NetLeaks release. He wasn't the one who hacked into the system, so why should he be punished? This was entirely unfair.
"It was a very thoughtful gesture." Spock said in consolation as he ran a finger over Jim's cheek. Jim, finely tired of the extreme boredom told him about the wonderful vacation he had planned. They really needed more things to do if they don't want Jim to try to break into whatever Computer Network he can access. After complaining of extreme boredom, they finally allowed the pair a few comforts like fully loaded PADDs and a few other things for entertainment. Although, for the first two days Jim was to drugged to do anything other than move himself to Spock's all too small Bio bed.
"We will have to go the next time an opportunity presents itself." Spock almost sounded optimistic, for him anyway.
"Knowing our luck we will probably end up at full war with the Klingons the day before." Jim said grudgingly as he fell down on the bed next to his husband. Really, you think they could put more furniture in here other than the beds.
"It could be worse; I could be stuck with Bones. If I'm going to be trapped in a room for three weeks, I'm glad it's with you." Jim said grabbing his husband's hand and kissing his fingertips. A few seconds later the finger tips were replaced with Spock's mouth. Jim knew he was feeling better because of the extreme amounts of lust he was experiencing from just one kiss. Whatever the hell that virus was, did a number on his sex drive. Let's just say baring unconsciousness or being physically separated from each other due to missions and/or kidnapping, this was the longest they've gone without sex during the entire course of their relationship.
"Although, we don't need the private beach front villa for the mind blowing sex part of our vacation." Within seconds, Jim was on top of Spock as they continued kissing. That was really the only possible position because these beds were too small. You would think they would at least put in the full bed knowing that they were quarantining a married couple.
"Stop that." Jim heard Bones say as his face popped up on the video screen complete with his signature scowl. "I don't need to see that. I'm the poor sucker stuck monitoring you two idiots for the next three weeks. If I'm not getting laid on this shore leave, neither are you, Jim." Bones said angrily.
"You are the one who volunteered to stay with us any way. I wasn't exactly planning to get infected by some doomsday virus. I had plans just like you. However, I've always believed in improvising." Jim said before he went back to kissing his husband or at least trying to. Spock was not being very cooperative.
"Like I am going to let some unknown quack watch you two. You would drive anyone else crazy by now. You are the first human to survive this and we don't know how you will react. This is still your fault. It was your crazy ass ex girlfriend who created the super virus." He was personally trying to forget about that part.
"Your heart stopped twice on the damn table. You shouldn't be doing anything strenuous including your husband. Actually, your green-blooded bastard of a husband is the number one thing you can't do. There's a reason why 'private time' supplies were not included in your rations. Keep your hands to yourself." It was obvious that Bones was doing this out of genuine concern and not to make Jim as miserable as possible, maybe.
"Like that's a problem. I've always been creative." Jim said with a wicked smirk.
"As I've stated several times, I may be green blooded however my parents were actually married at the time of my conception." As retaliation, Spock decided to kiss Jim back.
"Stop doing that and that's an order." Bones yelled.
"Hey, I'm the captain here." Jim said sticking out his tongue at the camera.
"When it comes to your health, I am the one in charge. If you don't stop, I will put you two in separate rooms." Bones threatened.
"Like you would," Jim scoffed. "If you take Spock away from me I will just bother you every 30 seconds."
"You're right about that. I don't want to punish myself. However, I can always sell the footage of your amorous activities to the highest bidder. I would finally be able to afford that private cabin in the woods of Georgia." Jim knew that was just another bluff even if he could feel Spock getting a little upset, for him. Jim was laughing on the inside.
"Don't really care. You are not famous until you have a sex tape. It was bound to happen eventually. I can only delete the security footage so many time's after engaging in somewhat inappropriate activities in the elevator before somebody downloads it to another server before I can get to it." Jim said cheekily. Spock was giving the doctor the eyebrows of death.
"I forgot a threat like that doesn't work on someone who has no shame. We all remember what happen when you proposed. The FFECC was not happy. How about I send the file to your father in law?" Just the words alone made Jim's favorite part of Vulcan anatomy go limp.
"You are a cruel man." Jim said pulling away from his husband.
"If you two horny teenagers can control yourself for the next week and everything checks out medically, I may be willing to deactivate the security cameras for a few hours and let you have the rest of year anniversary present from Admiral Barnett's wife. When I do give you the package, for the love of all that is holy in the universe, don't you dare tell me what you do with it!" His friend said with a shudder of disgust.
"I am not a teenager even by Vulcan standards." Spock retorted.
"You actually looked inside?" Jim asked hesitantly.
"Unfortunately. Thanks to you, I seriously need to replenish my alcohol supply. I can't believe you managed to convince an Admiral's wife to send you new 'toys'. Life was so much easier when I thought you two hated each other." Bones sighed as he placed his palm over his face in frustration.
"Like we ever did, the choking thing was just foreplay." Bones face was probably on his desk right now because he was no longer on screen.
"That's what you get for opening other people's presents without asking." Jim said with a laugh.
"You are going to be the death of me." Bones mumbled as his face appeared on screen again. "In the interest of keeping you from driving me even more crazy, than you already have, I'm going to let you and the ball and chain have the not inappropriate part of her present now. She sent you some old fashion games and hard copy books to keep you occupied. Please use them and stop molesting your husband." As Bones said this, a little door open and a robot brought in the care package that included Jane's signature chocolate chip cookies. She actually perfected a recipe that could stay fresh during long periods of shipping.
"She also sent another version of your wedding video. I've already loaded the files." Bones said roughly.
"What is the purpose of sending a revised version of the first video? Spock asked.
"I have no idea. I don't think I can sit through something as sentimental as the first thing." Jim said trying to act tough. Spock just gave him a dirty look. Apparently, Spock remembers Jim crying like a baby the first time he watched the file.
"Don't ask me why women do the things they do. If I understood that, I would still be married. She wants you to call her."
"Fine, at least it'll give me something to do since I can't do my favorite thing. Are you sure about the no sex thing?" Jim asked as Spock raised an eyebrow.
"Everything happening in that room of yours is being recorded. Spock, I expect you to keep Jim in line. I will give the file to your father." Bones threatened again.
"Evil bastard!" Jim exclaimed but the screen was already blank.
"Seriously James, how do you get yourself in these situations? Now you're dragging Spock along with you." Jane said laughing as she scolded him.
"James did not drag me anywhere. I had no choice but to go with him in an attempt to prevent certain disaster. Unfortunately, my efforts were unable to prevent such an incident." Spock said in his usual tone. Jim just rolled his eyes.
"Hey, not my fault I slept with some woman who was a complete psychopath before I found Spock. It was also not my fault she was exploited by certain people who hate m- everyone." Jim said in his defense.
"We all saw this coming eventually. You were not exactly the most 'discerning' during the worst of your sex addiction. I think I was one of the few people in the universe you wouldn't have sex with." Why does everyone keep bringing that up? He is a happily married man now.
"You were married and you changed my diapers. That would just be wrong. I think of you as the good mom." Jim said honestly.
"That's good to know. Considering that, you don't need to give your other mother a heart attack. I really don't enjoy finding out from my husband that you died twice." She was definitely giving him the angry mom look. It was nice to get that look from someone.
"I really wasn't that dead. My heart just stopped for a few seconds. It's not the first time." He could feel Spock tense up against him as he said the words.
"Close enough. I'm sure after a near death experience, you won't be able to use some of my present for a while." She said with a knowing smirk.
"Such activities are medically unadvisable." Spock said in reply.
"Do they really think they can keep us in here for three weeks with no sex? This is cruel and unusual punishment. I'm pretty sure this is against three different articles of the Babel convention regarding the treatment of POWs."Jim ended his rant with a pout. Jane was laughing hard at his expression.
"I'm sure the other things I sent will keep you occupied for the next few weeks. I'm so glad I decided to throw in the board games into that particular package even though I knew you would not have time for such activities at New San Juan." Again she was laughing.
"We are so playing the fun version of Twister. I'm surprised Bones sent this in. Oh, the possibilities. Seriously, how did you find a 21st century version of Monopoly?" Jim asked as he started looking through the box of goodies again.
"I hate to disappoint you, but it's a replica."
"I personally would like to know why you sent another version of the wedding video." Spock asked the question they were both thinking about.
"I didn't send you another version of the wedding video. I sent you the unedited footage that I used to create the wedding video. I knew you would both be unbelievably bored during your sickcation. Do you have any idea how many hours of stuff I had to film to get 30 minutes worth of cry your eyes out material?" Jane asked in fake seriousness.
"18 hours and 33 minutes." Jim's mouth dropped in shock as Spock answered the supposedly rhetorical question.
"Actually, it was more than that but that is just what my husband would let me send. There are at least 10 minutes in my interview with 'Uncle Selek' that my husband considers classified. Even with my brand new security clearance, due to being the new Starfleet Spokesperson, I am still not allowed to send the footage. It's not like you don't know the classified bits. I waited until now to send it to you because it took the computer this long to add subtitles to the interviews from your chief engineer and the cute little Russian kid. Besides now you have three weeks to watch it." She joked.
"That's okay. Although, don't let Chekhov know that you referred to him as a kid. He is 23 now. We probably do not want to see the special parts anyway." Jim was chuckling internally at the mere thought of what could have been in those 10 minutes. He will try to access the files later, not that Jane or Spock needed to know that.
"How are you handling your new duties in your position as Chief Spokesperson and head of public relations for Starfleet?" Spock asked trying to be conversational.
"As well as can be expected, I only took the job as a personal favor. I've had less than 3 hours of sleep for the last four days after a simple diplomatic mission on a supposedly neutral planet turned into a bloodbath due to a brand new biological weapon and your uncanny ability to piss people off. We are not even 100% sure who you pissed off yet, except for the ex girlfriend. She's claiming that the virus was stolen but we don't believe her. Before that, I was dealing with the fallout from the firing of a certain homophobic, xenophobic, ass of an admiral. He's bitter. Even though Admiral K is finally gone, he's still making my job miserable. At the same time, I'm preparing for the press to find out that Starfleet's first 'openly gay' Admiral is getting married." Jim wasn't sure whose reaction was funnier. He was currently choking on a cookie and his husband had both eyebrows in the air.
"Admiral Pike is getting married?" Spock asked as soon as Jim stopped choking. It's never good when his husband asked for clarification. Jim could feel through their bond that Spock was feeling an interesting mix of sad and furious. Again this is not good.
"Oh, Fuck! You didn't know?" Jane asked figuring it out quickly from their various reactions. She was always good at reading people.
"I would not have asked for clarification if I was aware of such a fact." At this point, Jane looked furious.
"Stupid bastard, he should have called. I'm going to kill him." Okay, she actually seemed angrier than Spock if such a thing was possible. Of course, Spock was just furious on the inside. If Jim was not his bond mate, he would assume that Spock was unaffected by the revelation.
"Jane, it's okay." Jim said trying to calm her down, it wasn't working.
"No, it's not. Sorry, I hate to cut this call short but I need to go bust the balls of a certain admiral for being an insensitive dick. I am just glad you didn't find out by the press release coming out any day now. Listen to the grumpy doctor and get better. I'll check up on you in a few days." With that, Jane was gone from the screen. Spock was extremely quiet.
"Don't worry I'm sure she doesn't mean that literally." Jim said after a few moments of very awkward silence.
"His testicles are no longer a matter for my concern. I am sure Shawn would find such a situation displeasing." There was definitely bitterness in his tone despite the use of humor.
"So you're not slightly upset that Pike is marrying someone else when he refused to marry you?" Jim asked, knowing anybody would be a little hurt in a situation like this.
"I have no reason to be upset. If he did not say no, I would have never found you." Spock said brushing a finger over Jim's cheek. He could feel Spock's love for him radiate through the touch. Jim was so getting back at Bones for the no sex thing. After finding out your ex is getting married, you definitely deserve comfort sex.
"Very good answer." Jim said as he pulled away much too soon for his personal taste. "Let's watch what our friends and family really think about us. Itwill be fun." Jim said with a smile. It has to be better than watching the boring films Bones picked out.
"If you wish, however, I prefer to skip over the file containing the interview with Admiral Pike." Spock was definitely not happy. Jim just hoped it was anger about finding out from someone else and not anger at his ex for getting married.
"Good idea." Jim said thinking it would probably be best to watch that by himself when Spock was in the shower.
"We should start with your dad. I have to know what he really thinks about me." Jim said with a big smile. He really want to know. His relationship with his father in law was complicated.
"Very well." Spock acquiesced.
"Do you think Bones will let us have popcorn?"
To be continued.
I'm going to do something special with this story. After the next chapter, I'm going to let you the reader decide which very personal interview our favorite couple will be watching next. Here are your choices in no particular order:
A) Admiral Pike (Spock's ex boyfriend) and his new fiancée Shawn (who just happens to be Jim's ex boyfriend)
B) Uncle Selek (AKA the original Spock)
C) Scotty (complete with subtitles.)
D) Bones and Nyota
E) Admiral Barnett and his wife Jane.
F) The Jim Kirk ex club
G) The Kirk family.
H) Chekhov and Sulu with their girlfriends.
I already have an idea in my head what to do with each group and order won't matter too much. Voting will close at 8:30 AM Eastern standard Time on 10/1/2011.