Book - Alternate Endings

Chapter One - Duel to the Death

Authors - phirypinkflamingo, Vastly-Superior

Disclaimer - The text is ours, the situation and characters are not. We're trying to be funny, if it doesn't work please let us know. If we offend you, don't read our series. Some language. Some sexual references [gotta catch 'em all!

All the students waited, chatting anxiously, staring at the doors to the Great Hall. This would be the final battle, the duel to the death. Or in the case of some of the less capable students, just the death. The doors burst open loudly, exploded inward with a well-placed spell, and the Death Eaters moved in to slam against the wave of weak little children. Instantly, the relatively quiet and still room was transformed into a big rainbow-colored shouting match as yells, curses, and the occasional first year were sent across the room. It basically looked like a disco.

A little girl suddenly let out a high pitched scream that made everyone stop. "VOLDEMORT!" As one, the smoothie of people turned as one to the door. (who was happy for all the attention, but sad it was in pieces.) Harry Potter moved to the front of the mass as the evil wizard stalked in.

Harry glared at the man who dared come near him without his wand out.

Harry was ready. He was calm. He hadn't really prepared for this moment but, he thought, he might as well keep his wand steady -- what he'd done he'd done, and he was here, ready for the final duel. "Hello there, Tom. Ready to settle this?" Harry stared coldly into the big, red, anime-like eyes of his parents' killer.

"Hello, Harry," Voldemort said with a smug, cool voice. He looked oddly... happy. Smiling. Almost grinning. Harry dismissed the thought. "I have some things to tell you, first."

Harry raised an eyebrow questioningly, but it settled back in its place. "Okay."

"On the night your parents died," Voldemort began, "our minds connected. That is when I realized our special bond. I'm sure you realized it several years later, but let me tell you, Harry, this bond of ours made me feel very strange. I'd never experienced a feeling like it before. I needed to find you. So I set out, as soon as I knew where you'd gone to Hogwarts, to locate you, to speak to you about us.

"That dumbass Quirrel ruined the night, however, as you no doubt recall, with his rowdy intrusions on our conversation. So, I was unable to reach you. Then, the next year, you were so preoccupied with that blood traitor that you were not focusing your attention on me. I was feeling at a loss, like you had forgotten the bond of the Avada Kedavra."

Harry had no idea what was going on, and was only half listening. Instead, he was staring into Voldemort's eyes, gripping his wand tighter with every passing instant, anxious to avenge his parents' deaths.

"So," Voldemort continued, "your third year came, and I did not see you once the whole year. My servant had to recount his meetings with you for me, and with every word he spoke I grew more and more restless. I needed to see you, to sort out this persevering issue. When we were apart, Harry, I writhed in anguish and regret when I thought of you. My mind was nearly crushed when I couldn't see you that entire year. However, the next year we had our most intimate interaction, in that graveyard. This body, which I possess now, has your own blood, Harry, coursing through its veins. I had solved the physical aspects of the problem, in that I was always near you, and emotionally it helped to know this. However, I still needed to see you, to discuss the bond, and to finish the mission.

"During your fifth year, I knew what I needed to do, and I set out to meet you, somehow. When we finally saw each other at the Ministry, I was elated. Here, the chance was presented to me, and I took it! Alas, that ancient hag, Dumbledore, intruded very much like Quirrel (only without the dying, of course).

"I realized then that he was in the way of our proper meeting, so I had him eliminated as well, though my original plans didn't roll over quite as well as I wanted."

A tall blond haired Slytherin boy slid back between the cover of two even taller, fatter boys.

Voldemort continued, "Finally, this year, I knew the fated meeting would occur. And believe me, I came prepared. I memorized this page-long speech and everything."

Harry tightend the grip on his wand, and wiped a sweaty palm off on his robes. When would he get to the point? Was Voldemort going to bore him to death?

"So, Harry, are you ready?" Voldemort asked, his big red eyes glittering as if he was on the verge of tears.

Harry lifted his wand, shouting, "Expelli--" but he broke off when he saw Voldemort... kneeling.

Voldemort looked up at the seething boy, and produced a small box. Opening it slowly, he revealed a ring with an emerald snake and a ruby lion interwoven on a plate of diamond, resting on the actual gold ring. "Will you marry me?"

A mass gaping ensued. The entire hall was wide-eyed in disbelief.

Harry was most shocked of all. "What. The. Hell?" Harry stuttered.

Voldemort smiled, a crystal tear dripping from his left eye. "Well?" He asked.

"What have you been cursed with? Are you out of your fucking mind?!" Harry knew he was dreaming. This couldn't be happening.

Voldemort smirked, "Oh Harry, I love it when you talk dirty."

For a few seconds, the entire hall was totally silent; no one moved at all.

Then Harry fainted, and his head hit the marble floor loudly.

Voldemort winced, then rushed to Harry's aid. The students and professors would have cared, but they were too completely confused to do anything but breathe. No one made a sound as Voldemort cradled his limp darling, and flew off with him through a broken window and into the starry night sky.