Disclaimer: I don't own it and I'm sorry for any corruption of impressible minds.
Yea, the class pervert decided to personally ensure that I never look at a sausage the same way again at a barbeque last week. And I can't either, but I did get an idea for a story with much more kiddy-safe references than what I got...and when you think about it, it was only a matter of time before I did something perverted...
Sausage
He'd never really looked at it like that before…
Yuffie put the idea in his head, whispering suggestively about the implications when she spotted the focus of the blonde's half-lidded gaze, managing to get a cackle in before Sora arrived and she ran over to greet him.
That damned ninja.
It didn't bother him...
Really…
Kinda…
Okay, it did. But could you blame him? He knew it was just a sausage but goddamnit!
Did it have to be eaten so…so suggestively? Didn't Yuffie ever tell Leon her ideas about what a sausage…could symbolise?
No, no Cloud didn't think she did. Lucky sod.
With Cid talking to Donald and Tifa and Aerith keeping Sora's friends entertained, Cloud was left to his own devices like he preferred to be during the annoyingly frequent social gatherings.
Figures. His anti-social behaviour would come back to kick him where it hurts.
He shifted in his seat, hands twisting together on the picnic table's wooden surface as he silently willed his eyes to look away. There we go, Sora playing with some Dalmatians…Dalmatians running over to Leon who was the cause of Cloud's current…okay, bad, bad Cloud, think unsexy thoughts!
As cute as Leon looked surrounded by adoring puppies with his plate raised high above his head, Cloud didn't appreciate the image as much as he could have.
Because Leon just had to eat damn sausages –couldn't he eat a salad? Seriously, why didn't Yuffie go over –right now preferably- and share her ideas about sausage symbolism?
And why was he the only suffering? Didn't anyone else notice how appealing Leon was?
Yea, he probably was biased, but really, focus people! That is so beside the point. Leon was hot, case closed; why weren't others affected?
Well, Mickey, Donald and Goofy were animals so that'd be very, very wrong if they were. Sora's ten years younger and has the brother-relationship with Leon so definitely wrong on both counts. Age probably provided immunity for Riku and Kairi from the Leon pheromones, and Yuffie, well, was Yuffie. Cid was too old so he'd be a total paedophile if he was affected. Yes, Cloud was aware that meant sexual attraction to a kid but come on! Cid practically raised Leon for most of his life, ergo paedophile. Such is the powerful logic of Cloud Strife.
But why weren't Tifa and Aerith affected? (Not that he was complaining, less competition after all) Cloud knew they were both straight. (After coming out to them, he'd endured countless guy watching sessions at the public pool, apparently being gay meant you had to boy watch with the girls.) Well, Aerith had a sister-brother relationship with Leon, something about growing up together, makes it impossible to think about a person in that way apparently. Cloud wouldn't know, he was gay and the only person he had left from his childhood was Tifa, a member of the female species which Cloud found oddly terrifying.
Factoring in Sephiroth and Yuffie on top of the guy-watching sessions, it was really amazing that people wondered why he was emo. Really, people, put yourself in his shoes and see how long you last before that little shoulder angel of yours turns emo and starts to recite its badly written angst poetry to you.
No! Bad Leon! Don't pick up a…damn. He's eating another. Doesn't that make about ten sausages he's eaten?
Cloud felt the need to whimper, managing to wrench his eyes away from the image to watch as Sora and Riku sprayed Kairi with the hose.
And then he felt the need to bang his head on the table. His mind's eye was filled with the image of Leon; holding a sausage between three fingers and a thumb, slowly pushing a fraction of the sausage into his mouth, lips closing over it slowly as teeth took a bite before sucking the piece in and chewing it thoroughly before swallowing.
Cloud had to shift in his seat again; grateful that no one expected him to stand up anytime soon because it would be a little embarrassing to do so…unless he somehow magically procured a large chicken suit to wear, thus hiding his…body from view.
Seeing Leon pick up yet another sausage, this time breaking it in half and feeding some to Pongo, Cloud made the firm decision that the next social gathering wouldn't be a barbeque, it was going to be Chinese food; because as far as Cloud could see, there was nothing sexual about Chinese food.
How long do you think it took Yuffie to convince him otherwise?
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Yea, yea Cloud seems ooc but it's in his mind and I always think what we think is completely different to what we say and do, especially when you don't talk very often like Cloud.