We Begin Together
Jason dies. That's not the end. It's more like a beginning, even though he doesn't know that at first.
Somehow Jason feels like his death should have been a bit more – exciting? He's not trying to be tasteless, but come on. It had been painful, but quick, so quick that he'd hardly realized what was happening. He'd been alone – no one to call him an ambulance, to pray to the gods, no Piper to command him back to life. And a car crash, honestly? He sighs. He'd expected it to be a battle, or monsters, or some god's wrath, not a car crash.
Well, it's not like he can change it now, or file a complaint, so he decides to go with it and finds himself in the lobby of a Hollywood studio.
Okay, then. He's always known the gods are strange, so this isn't the weirdest thing that could've happened, presumably.
He steps up to the reception, and a big guy in an expensive-looking Italian suit looks down at him with a scowl. "What do you want?" he asks. His name tag says 'Charon'. Jason looks him up and down. He had imagined him differently.
"I'm dead." Jason feels stupid stating the obvious like that, but he doesn't know what else to do. It's not like there is a manual for this, or if there is, he hasn't read it. Or heard of it. So there's probably not one.
Charon says, "No, you're one of those half-bloods trying to get in. Sorry, you're not fooling me."
Jason looks down at his orange Camp Half-Blood shirt and wishes he was wearing something else. "No, I'm really dead," he says.
Charon shrugs. "Alright, then. Drachma or American Express."
Jason searches his pockets. Tartarus. No drachmas.
He sighs. "I haven't got any money."
Charon shrugs again. "Take a seat," he says, indicating the chairs along the walls. Most of them are occupied by other people – ghosts? Dead souls? Spirits? – but some aren't.
Jason takes a seat and waits.
He waits for a long time.
Seriously, it's not like he's an impatient guy, but how hard can it be to organize regular boat services into the Underworld?
"Can you at least tell me how long I've been waiting?" he asks after what feels like an eternity. Ha hasn't been getting tired. Time feels different somehow, now that he's dead. It does make sense, sort of.
"Two and a half days," Charon says.
Jason groans and sits back down.
If they at least had some magazines to read while waiting. Or snacks. Wait, can he eat now? He hasn't been feeling hungry. He's transparent and his body doesn't really feel the same way it did on earth. Nutrients seem kind of unnecessary now that he's dead. He doesn't think the laresat Camp Jupiter eat, but maybe they could and just don't want to? He could ask, it's kind of funny to get on Charon's nerves –
"Jason?" someone asks quietly.
Jason looks up and feels like he's just taken a punch to the gut.
"Nico," he says, standing up. Nico's hunched his shoulders and lowered his head and it's pretty obvious he's been crying. Jason reaches out to hug him automatically, only for his hands to pass right through Nico's body.
"Being dead sucks," he says, eliciting a brief, small smile from Nico.
"I'm sorry," Nico says.
"That's okay. Do you think you could do me a favor, though, please?"
"Anything," Nico says immediately, before looking down at his shoes. "I mean, yeah, sure."
"Do you have a drachma? 'Cause right now it's looking like I'll be stuck here forever, and it's really boring."
"Actually," Nico says. "That's why I'm here. Come with me, I'll show you where to go."
Jason smiles. "Lead the way."
Charon is a lot more cooperative once Nico threatens him with suggesting to Hades that he cut the suit bonus.
They get on the boat and cross the river Styx, and all Jason can do is stare. "It's beautiful," he says, and Nico shoots him a disbelieving look.
"I mean it," Jason says.
Nico looks away, but Jason could swear he's smiling.
"Alright, do I queue somewhere around here?" Jason asks once they've got off the boat, but Nico shakes his head and leads him past the lines of waiting spirits.
"I'll take you there," he says.
As he follows Nico, Jason starts to feel slightly nervous. "Uh, Nico?" he asks.
"Yeah?" Nico says.
"Where exactly are we going?" He hopes Nico knows what he means.
"Elysium," Nico says curtly.
Jason exhales in relief, then asks, "But, shouldn't I be tried first?" He feels guilty hoping that the answer will be 'no' because it would only be fair to get the same treatment as everyone else, but… those queues at the entrance looked pretty long and slow-moving.
Nico shakes his head. "I know you, Jason. It's pretty obvious you belong there."
Jason can't help but blush. He's not sure it shows, what with him not actually being alive, and transparent now on top of it, but Zeus knows how being dead actually works. "Uh, thanks," he says.
Nico smiles.
"Why are you doing this for me?" Jason asks.
"We're friends, aren't we?" Nico says.
Jason nods. He's not sure that's Nico's real reason, but he doesn't push.
They arrive at a gate.
"I'll – this is it," Nico says.
"Can't you go inside?" Jason asks. He doesn't want Nico to go. Not yet. Not anytime soon. Not ever, he doesn't let himself think.
"Not right now," Nico says. He's hugging himself. "Some other time, okay?"
Jason wishes he could pull Nico into a hug and hold him and tell him everything's going to be alright, the way he used to do when Nico was sad and Jason still alive.
Before he can say anything, Nico's turned around and started making his way back. He wipes his eyes, obviously trying not to let Jason see, but Jason still does. He watches Nico until he's out of sight.
Then he looks up at the gate.
"Here we go," he says, and steps inside.
Elysium's – well, it's awesome. But it's not the same as life, and he misses life. He misses his friends, both the camps, Piper, he even misses Hippie!Zeus keeping his creepy watch over Cabin 1 and the feeling of the statue's eyes following him around everywhere he goes. That's how much Jason misses being alive. Hopefully he'll start feeling at home here a little more once he's stayed for longer. It turns out he can eat food, but it doesn't feel the way it used to.
He doesn't see Nico again for a while, and he can't help but feel a little disappointed. Sure, Nico must have better things to do than hang out in the Underworld all the time, but they're friends, Nico's said it himself.
Jason hadn't thought that would change once he was dead.
On the other hand, maybe it hasn't. Maybe it's better this way. It can't be good for Nico to be away from the living world for long periods at a time, or even short ones, really. Jason remembers Nico telling him he sometimes starts to fade. Jason shudders and tries to suppress the selfish urge of wanting Nico to be with him regardless.
There's a lot of other heroes there, and most of them are very nice. Some of them know Percy and Annabeth and the others. It's sad and great at the same time.
They do stuff like having barbeques and telling each other stories, and it's fun.
He misses the others.
He misses Nico.
He knows it's wrong. He knows there's people being tortured or just standing around forever a very short distance away. He should be grateful.
He tries.
It doesn't really work.
"You okay?" Beckendorf asks him. Beckendorf lives with his girlfriend Silena in the house next to Jason's. Though the houses aren't like the ones in the real world. It's hard to explain. They're more like personal spaces without many characteristics or decorations. Not that they're not nice to be in. They just don't feel like houses.
"Yeah," Jason says. "Just – missing my friends."
Beckendorf nods. He's not a man of many words.
"Do you know if Nico comes by here often?" Jason asks hopefully.
"Who?" Beckendorf asks.
"Nico," Jason says. "Nico di Angelo, he's a son of Hades –"
"Oh yeah, I know him from when I was alive," Beckendorf says. "No, he doesn't."
"Oh," Jason says. "Okay."
Silena comes to talk to him a while later.
"Jason, hello," she says. She's beautiful. She reminds him of Piper, only Piper doesn't like make-up and impractically stylish clothes. Silena, however, always looks like she's just stepped off a catwalk. It's a bit scary and slightly strange to look at her. She doesn't seem real.
Silena sits down next to him outside his house.
"Charles said he'd talked to you about Nico," she says. She's the only person to ever call Beckendorf by his first name.
"Yeah, he did," Jason says.
Silena nods. "He's a guy," she says apologetically. "He doesn't get this stuff."
"What stuff?"
She sighs.
"Ah," Jason says, pointing at his own chest. "Guy?"
Silena laughs and nods. "I'm very sure Nico is going to visit you," she says. "I've got a feeling."
"Right," he says, kicking a rock.
She smiles at him and gets up. "Trust me," she says.
Despite himself, he does.
Silena turns out to be right. Nico drops by what feels like five days later, but Jason obviously can't be sure whether it's really been five days. Time is all strange now.
"Hey," Nico says. "How are you?"
"Fine," Jason says. "It's great."
He can tell that Nico doesn't believe him.
"Do you want to walk for a bit?" Nico asks him.
Jason shrugs and nods.
They end up sitting on the shore of the river Styx, dangling their legs dangerously close to the water. Jason doesn't care much. It reminds him of life. Life is dangerous, all of it. Death isn't.
"I'm sorry," Nico says suddenly. "For not taking care of you better."
Jason looks at him in surprise. He'd thought he was the one taking care of Nico, not the other way around. Nico seems to know what he's thinking, because he throws him a look and says, "I can look out for you, too, you know? Well. I should have."
"It wasn't your fault," Jason says.
Nico shrugs and wipes his eyes, turning away.
Jason wishes he could cup Nico's face and make him look him in the eyes. Instead he just says, "Nico, look at me, please, okay?"
Nico does, surprisingly. His eyes are brimming with tears and the sight breaks Jason's heart.
"I'm sorry," Nico says again, voice breaking. "Gods, I didn't mean to cry, I –"
"It's okay." Jason can't stop himself now, he reaches out and puts his hand next to Nico's on the ground, so their fingers are as close as they can be.
"No, it's not, it's pathetic," Nico says.
Jason opens his mouth to protest, but Nico shakes his head. "You don't have to say it isn't," he says with a sad smile. Before Jason can say that of course it isn't, and he's going to say it until Nico believes him, Nico's continued. "I didn't want you to die."
"Me neither," Jason says drily. "It wasn't that great. Still isn't." He feels bad immediately, because he doesn't want Nico to think he's complaining or being ungrateful or something. It's Elysium – he has no right to be unhappy. "It's okay, though," he adds. "I'm getting used to it."
Nico stares straight ahead for a few moments. "I – everyone is really – I mean, they – we are really –"
"It's alright," Jason says. "I'm sorry. I wish I was there to help. Though I guess then the problem wouldn't exist in the first place… I'm sorry."
Nico chuckles slightly. "We're apologizing a lot today."
Jason shrugs. "Good to get it out of the way." He takes a deep breath. "Are you going to visit me often?" He knows he shouldn't whine like this, but he needs to see Nico, to be with him – he just needs him.
"Do you want me to?" Nico asks.
Jason nods. "If that's okay with you. I mean, I understand if you don't want to. I'm dead, so maybe you'd rather forget –"
"No!" Nico says. "No. Of course I don't want to forget you, or anything."
"Me neither," Jason says, full of relief.
They see each other more often after that.
Jason thinks he should feel bad for making spend Nico so much time in the Underworld, but he can't tell him to stop coming by. He just can't.
They go and play with Cerberus. He's frankly just a big, cute, cuddly puppy deep down, but it still feels kind of weird to throw three balls at once and watch Cerberus pick up one with each mouth. It's very surreal, especially since outside Elysium, Jason feels a lot more dead. He knows it doesn't make sense, but he still feels that way. In Elysium, sometimes he feels just like he used to when he was alive. Here, in the Fields, surrounded by the chattering dead, that's impossible. He wonders whether Nico sees him like that, even in Elysium. He hopes not. He can also tell that he gets more transparent in the Fields of Asphodel, probably because everyone there appears to be the epitome of dead – they don't seem to feel anything at all, be it pain or happiness or grief.
For a moment, he wonders if that might not actually be better. Isn't that supposed to be the advantage of being dead – not having to deal with feelings anymore? Feelings are what makes life complicated.
Then he decides that it probably wouldn't be worth it. Pain isn't fun, but it's a mark of being alive, of living. Without it, there's no happiness.
Jason shakes his head to clear his mind. Apparently, dying makes you a lot more philosophical.
He watches Nico laugh as Cerberus tries to fetch two sticks at the same time and fails, barking angrily.
Jason feels that warm, bubbly feeling rush through him that he's come to associate with Nico. He's not ready to face the implications of that, but he still thinks that, yeah, not feeling would definitely not be worth it.
One day, he manages to ask Nico if he likes being in the Underworld.
Nico shrugs. "I've been liking it better recently than I used to," he says, staring straight ahead as if his thoughts are far away like they often seem to be.
"You okay?" Jason asks him.
Nico nods. "Yeah. The others miss you."
"Did they tell you to tell me that from them?"
Nico looks up. "They don't know I've been coming to see you."
"Oh," Jason says. "Why not?"
"It's not something I should be doing. Being in contact with you. It complicates things. I don't want to do the same thing for them. It's not – it's difficult to deal with."
Jason frowns slightly. "How does it complicate things? Why?"
Nico avoids making eye contact. "It's hard to let go the first time. It never gets easier."
"But you can always come and see me again."
"Yeah," Nico says. He wraps his arms around his knees. "I can. And I can tell the others how you are, and what you said, but it won't be the same. You'll never be alive again. You'll always be missing, no matter how much I pretend you're not by coming here and talking to you."
"You're cheery today."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. I'm glad you're here," Jason says.
Nico stays quiet.
Jason decides that maybe it's time to just be silent together.
They're skipping rocks on a part the river Styx that flows into a sort of lake very slowly. It's full of discarded dreams.
Jason is losing miserably.
"Are we even allowed to do that?" Jason wonders out loud.
Nico grins. "No," he says.
Then he turns serious again. "Are you going to go for rebirth, Jason?" he asks quietly.
Jason is surprised. Truthfully, doing that hasn't even occurred to him.
"I don't think so," he says. "Why?"
Nico shrugs his shoulders and tosses another stone. "I was just wondering."
"I don't think I'll do it," Jason says again. He picks up a rock and lets it skip. "Isn't it strange?" he asks. "How I can touch the rocks, and you can touch the rocks, but we can't touch each other?"
Nico looks up at him. "Yes," he says quietly. "It is. That's how it works, though. We're so different – the dead and the living, it's the most fundamentally different thing there is. They have to be separate."
"I don't feel dead," Jason says. "I feel alive."
He wants to say, with you I always feel alive, but he doesn't.
Jason's finally scraped together enough courage.
"I don't think you should visit me so often," he says. It makes his chest feel kind of hollow.
"Right," Nico says. "Okay."
Jason wishes, once again, that he could just hug Nico. And kiss him.
He's never thought that before, but it isn't really a surprise. He's not stupid, or unobservant, and being dead means having a lot of time to think about feelings.
"I don't want you to get hurt," he says. "This isn't good for you."
Nico's balled his hands into fists. He looks up at Jason with a scowl. "Don't tell me what's good for me," he says quietly. "I can decide that for myself."
"Nico," he pleads. "I want to keep you safe –"
"I don't want to be kept safe," Nico says. "I'm fine, I can take care of myself, I'm fine." He runs his hands over his face. "I'm fine," he says again.
"Are you?" Jason asks.
"Do I look fine?" Nico asks tiredly.
"What happened?" Jason asks.
"Someone pretty important to me died," Nico says.
"Sorry about that," Jason whispers.
"I need to see you, Jason," Nico says. "Please. Wouldn't – wouldn't you miss me at all?"
Jason thinks that it would feel like dying all over again to not see Nico again. "I would," he says.
"Then, please," Nico whispers. "Please don't make me leave you."
Jason's resolve hadn't been very strong in the first place, and it crumbles completely under Nico's pleading eyes.
"Don't go," Jason says, almost panicking now. "I'm sorry. I'm trying to look out for you, but if you're fine – if you're going to be better this way, stay, please."
Nico runs his fingers through his hair. Jason wishes he could do the same in Nico's stead.
"Thank you," Nico says. He looks exhausted, as if he's just fought an army all by himself.
It's not enough to see Nico. Jason's never wanted to kiss anyone so badly in his life – though that's probably a bad choice of words.
He's only ever really kissed Piper, anyway. He's been thinking a lot about Piper and their former relationship and whether to consider it broken up now that he's dead. It's not like he'd ever thought about what would happen if he fell in love with someone else after dying. Though he doesn't think Piper would be angry at him for it. She does like her romance, after all, even if she isn't as extreme as her mom or her siblings, and he thinks that dying and falling in love with someone who's still alive and not even being able to touch is romantic. Though not really in the good way. Aphrodite herself probably loves it. From what he knows of her, that's exactly her kind of story.
No matter what Piper would think of it, it's not like he can actually kiss Nico, regardless of how much he wants to. It's pretty frustrating, to be honest. Especially when Nico is looking the way he is just now – soft pink lips, messy hair, big dark eyes and everything.
He sighs and leans back against the rock they're sitting at.
"Everything alright?" Nico asks him.
Jason nods. "Just thinking."
"About what?"
"Piper," he says. He considers that to be a truthful enough answer.
"Oh," Nico says. He's silent for a few moments. "She's fine, I think. Sad, but – okay."
"Good," Jason says, because it is.
"She's getting better," Nico says, not looking at him.
"Great," Jason says.
"Do you miss her a lot?"
Probably not as much as I should, Jason thinks. "I don't know," he says. "I do, but not more than any of the others. Do you think that's bad?"
"No," Nico says immediately. He blushes. "No," he says again. "I think that's totally fine."
"Why?"
Nico bites his lip. "You – well, you're dead –"
"Thanks for reminding me."
"And she's not, so wouldn't a relationship be kinda difficult? Because you couldn't see her at all?"
"Yeah," Jason says, felling a lot happier all of a sudden. "Yeah, I guess."
Nico gives him a small smile. "Do you want to go back to Elysium?"
Jason shakes his head. "Do you mind staying here with me a little while longer?"
He looks out over the river Lethe flowing past a few steps away from them. It's beautiful here.
"No," Nico says, leaning back against the rock next to Jason. "Not at all."
Jason's crying. He hasn't cried in a long time, even before he died. He's not sure how long it's been now since his death, but he doesn't care right now.
Someone kneels down in the grass next to him.
"Jason?" It's Silena.
He wipes his eyes. "I'm fine."
"Right." She flicks her fringe out of her eyes. "You can tell me. I'm good with feelings."
"I'm dead," he says.
She blinks at him. "Yuh-huh," she says.
"No, I mean – I'm never going to be alive again."
"Oh, honey, no, don't be sad about that. Death isn't the end! It's going to be okay. Is this 'cause of Nico?"
He looks at her. "Yeah," he says. "I just – I just want to touch him."
"I'm pretty sure he's a little too young for that," she says strictly, raising her eyebrows at him.
He blushes. "No, like – I want to be able to hug him and hold him and kiss him –" He takes a deep breath. "I know it's stupid. I know I'm dead. I won't ever be able to touch any living person, I shouldn't mope over it, but I –"
Silena puts a hand on his shoulder. "It's going to be okay," she says. "It is."
He nods. "Yeah," he says.
It doesn't feel like it.
"Silena said to be careful with you 'cause you were sad," Nico greets him.
Jason curses. "She wasn't supposed to tell you that."
"Why are you sad?" Nico sits down close to him – right by his side, they'd be nearly touching if they could. They've started to always sit like that.
"I'm not, the whole 'being dead' thing just hit me and I miss some things that come with being alive, but I'm fine, really."
Nico nods. "Okay," he says. "What do you miss?"
"I don't know. Everything's very different, nothing feels quite the same, you know?"
Nico looks at him. "Is there anything I can do?"
Jason laughs. He's afraid he might sound a little crazy. "Be here?"
Nico stretches his legs. "Alright," he says. "If you're sure you want me to."
"I'm sure," Jason says.
"I've been wanting to kiss you," Jason says. "I'm in love with you, and I know this whole thing sucks, because I'm dead and you're not so it's not really like it's gonna work out, but I still…" He trails off.
"No," Beckendorf says.
"No," Silena agrees. "Sorry, Jason."
He groans and buries his head in his hands. Beckendorf pats him on the back, but because it's Beckendorf it feels like being hit with a hammer.
"Jason, honey," Silena says. "Just be honest about your feelings. Don't exaggerate, don't stray from the topic. It'll all be fine."
Jason looks at her. "Fine?" he says. "How is it going to be fine? I'm dead!"
"Okay, you really need to get over that," Silena says. "It did not take me nearly this long, did it, baby?"
Beckendorf shakes his head. "Though, to be fair, you weren't in love with anyone who's still alive."
"I know, I'm so lucky," Silena coos, kissing him.
Jason leaves.
He walks around the lake in the middle of Elysium. The Isles of the Blest are in the center of the lake. It's still true what he told Nico, he doesn't think he's going to go for rebirth. He doesn't feel the slightest desire to become someone else, to feel any different, to forget all of who he is.
When he has walked around the lake once and arrives back in front of his house, Nico is sitting outside, waiting for him.
"Hey," he says, sitting down next to Nico on the bench next to the door. "Nice to see you."
Nico nods absentmindedly. He's clutched his hands together and is looking at Jason weirdly. Jason looks at him, really looks at him, his pale skin, his sharp bones, the jagged scars covering his arms, and thinks he's never seen anything so beautiful.
"I wanted to tell you something," Nico says. He's as tense as Jason has ever seen him.
"What's that?" Jason asks.
"I think I might be in love with you," Nico says. Jason just barely manages not to gasp. Nico continues, not looking at him. "I guess I can't be sure, because it feels different from anything I've ever felt – it's nothing like to what I used to feel for – anyway, it's better, I think, but different, and sad at the same time, but I really – it's so stupid, I know, because you're my friend, and I didn't actually mean to tell you, but then sometimes it's very difficult not to –" He stops, tiredly pressing his knuckles against his forehead. "I'm sorry," he mumbles.
"I really want to kiss you," Jason says.
Nico looks up. His eyes are adorably huge. Gods.
"Jason?" he says, sort of helplessly.
"I've been in love with you for so long," Jason says, feeling like crying. "And it wasn't fun – isn't fun. It hurts. It's different from anything I've felt, too."
"I didn't want to hurt you," Nico says, looking horrified.
"No, no," Jason says hurriedly. All he wants is to kiss Nico, pull him against his chest and run his fingers through his hair, to hold him and never let him go. "Not like that. It's good. It's just – not easy."
"No," Nico says. He wipes his eyes.
"I love you," Jason says. "I should've said it differently. To make you smile."
Nico does smile up at him, now, a little shakily, but determinedly. "Sucks to be us, doesn't it?"
"Kinda," Jason says, smiling back.
"I thought love confessions usually were more fun," Nico says. "Never really done the mutuality thing before."
Jason watches him. He could do that for the rest of his – well, his death, he supposes.
"I love you," he says again, just to make sure. "You know that, right?"
"You've said it a couple times now," Nico says. "I think I'm starting to get it. But if you wanna reiterate it, I don't mind." He smiles sheepishly and there's a soft blush in his hollow cheeks.
"I love you," Jason says, putting his hand as close to Nico's on the bench as possible. "I love you, I –"
"Get a room!" Beckendorf calls through the open window of his and Silena's house.
Silena giggles even as she shushes him.
Jason gets up. "Come for a walk with me?" he asks.
"I'd love to," Nico says, standing as close to Jason as he can.
For some time after, everything is a whirl of happiness, and Jason feels like he could fly, or dance, or sing at the top of his lungs whenever he sees Nico, or thinks about him. He has a vague suspicion that this state of euphoria won't last forever, but he distracts himself by doing anything he can to make Nico laugh. Sometimes, it works.
They're skipping rocks on the Styx again. Jason is losing, as usual.
"I miss you," Nico says. "All the time." He looks down, blushing slightly. Jason wonders how long he's been wanting to say something like that.
"I miss you, too," he says. "I wish I could be there for you more."
Nico shakes his head. There's a faraway look in his eyes. "It's fine. I'm great."
He so obviously isn't, and it's heartbreaking. As usual, Jason wishes he could just hug Nico.
"I wish I hadn't died," he says. "I could take you places. Nice places. Or we could go for pizza, or to the cinema, and to the campfire sing-alongs…"
"I don't need that," Nico says. "I only wish I could see you more often, not matter where."
Jason shakes his head. "It's not good for you. It's selfish of me to make you come here so often, I know –"
"No," Nico says. "I want to – I couldn't not see you. It's good, like this. It's – enough."
Jason can tell Nico's not being entirely honest right now, but he doesn't push it. He drops down into the grass. Nico sits next to him, drawing his knees up to his chest, looking out over the river, at the broken promises and abandoned dreams and lost hopes floating by in the sludgy water.
They stay like that until Jason doesn't know how long it's been.
Nico's quiet. He usually is, but more so lately.
He's not opening up about it, though, and Jason knows better than to try and make him.
They explore the Underworld together, or go for walks around Elysium, or talk, or sit quietly. Jason feels a light, happy feeling in his chest whenever he's around Nico, and sometimes he catches Nico smiling, even though he knows Nico tries to hide it.
Death is pretty much perfect right now.
"This is so annoying," Jason says, looking at Nico who's lying on the rainbow-colored grass of Elysium.
"What is?" Nico asks.
"That I can't kiss you right now," Jason says, smiling.
Nico doesn't smile back.
"It's not going to be like this for long," Nico says. His eyes seem strangely empty. "I'm going to die sometime, sooner or later, and then we can be together."
Jason sits up very straight. "No," he says. Something in Nico's voice and eyes scares him. "No."
"Everybody dies, Jason," Nico says. His voice is too even – monotonous, and it's not nice, it's terrible, frightening, awful.
"No," he says again. "Promise me, don't. Don't do anything reckless, or, or dangerous, Nico, please. Please." His voice sounds strange even to his own ears, but he can't help it. Nico needs to promise him this. It's too horrifying, the thought of Nico getting hurt – hurting himself – to contemplate fully. He needs to make Nico promise before it takes a clear form, before his mind realizes what he already knows, deep down, that Nico is talking about.
"Don't you want to be with me?" Nico asks. He looks so broken – so small, and Jason wishes he could grab the gods, all of them, and shake them and force them to make something good happen in Nico's life for a change.
Jason shakes his head – nods – shakes his head. He has no idea what to do or say or think. "Nico, Nico, I always want to be with you," he breathes. "Always, never forget that." If only he could cup Nico's face now, wipe away the tears rolling down his cheeks, kiss his quivering lips. "I want to wait for you, okay? It's fine like this, what does time mean now, anyway? Promise me you'll stay safe, promise me. Please, Nico."
Nico buries his head in his hands. His shoulders are shaking. Jason can feel his own eyes burn.
"I love you so much, Nico," he whispers. "So, so much. Please. Please." His throat is tight now, his voice breaking, and he hates it. He has to be strong now, he has to be, Nico needs him to be strong –
The sobs break out regardless.
They're crying for what feels like hours, just sitting there next to each other, trembling and sobbing. Jason's never felt so ridiculous. He's never cared so little about feeling so ridiculous.
"I'm sorry," Nico breathes. "I'm so sorry, Jason, I –" He gasps through the tears and Jason can't stop himself anymore, he reaches out to touch Nico's face even though he knows it won't work.
"Shhh," Jason makes, helplessly, through his own tears. "Nico, I'm right here, okay, I'll do anything, anything you need me to –"
Nico gasps again, but his sobs eventually turn to sniffles and Jason pulls himself together as well, because he's not helping by breaking down like this.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry, this is my fault –"
"How is this your fault?" Nico asks, completely taken aback.
"You were getting better, you were doing fine, you were happy, and I stopped being there for you –"
"You died!"
"Exactly," Jason says. "I left you."
"I'm fine," Nico whispers. He's curled in on himself now, as if to shut out the entire world. "I am, Jason. It's okay now. I'm fine."
Neither of them says anything until Nico leaves.
Nico doesn't come by for a long time after that. When he finally does, he's cut his hair and he's got a new jacket. Unsurprisingly, it's black.
"I'm sorry," he says, rather coolly. "For how I acted last time."
"No, I am," Jason says. "I was worried – when you didn't visit for so long. I thought I'd made it worse. Can – can you forgive me? I shouldn't have freaked out like that, I know, it wasn't fair, or respectful, or right. But I – I want to protect you."
Nico shakes his head very slightly. "It's fine." He pulls his hands up into the sleeves of his jacket. "I missed you."
Jason takes a step forward before he's thought it through and passes right through Nico. He curses.
Nico chuckles slightly. Then he stands up straight and sets his jaw before speaking. "So, are you still mad at me?"
"What?" Jason says, horrified. "Nico, I'm not mad at you, I never was! I want you to be happy, I love you, please, believe me. I'm not mad, or angry, I just – I just love you," he manages.
Nico nods. "Okay," he whispers. "Ditto, you know?"
Jason smiles. "I know," he whispers back. "Isn't that enough for now?"
Nico squares his shoulders, nods. "Yes," he whispers. "It has to be, it is."
Jason kisses Nico's hair as best he can, even though he knows Nico can't feel it.
"Percy and Annabeth are getting married," Nico says.
It hits Jason once again that his friends are getting older, building real lives.
"That's great," he says. He takes a deep breath. "Do you want to break up?" He has to ask this, even though everything in him is screaming at him not to. He has to let Nico decide this, whether to give up all of that, everything their friends have right now, and to wait for a future that begins in death.
Nico shakes his head. "No," he says. He doesn't hesitate, doesn't take time to think, the answer comes so perfectly naturally that Jason has to sit down with relief. He reminds himself not to be selfish, to let Nico know that it would be okay, that he'd understand. "'Cause you can, you know."
"I know," Nico says. He's frowning. "I don't want to. Do you?"
"No," Jason says.
"Good," Nico says. "What's a bit of waiting to kiss you? We haven't even begun yet." He shrugs and gives Jason a cheeky smile, one of the very rare ones of his that last longer than a split second. Jason hasn't seen Nico smile in a while, and it makes his ghost-heart beat hard against his ribs.
"That's right," Jason says. "Besides, we have stuff to do here while we wait. I still have to beat you at skipping rocks."
Nico shakes his head. "You can try," he says. "Maybe I'll let you win for a change, to make you feel better."
"Race you to the river," Jason says.
They're lying on the grass, side by side.
"I wish I could kiss you," Jason says.
"Me, too," Nico says.
They share a smile, lying as close to each other as they can.
It's enough to begin with.