KURAI HONDA: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You've just invested in an KURAI HONDA unit! In order to ensure that you, the owner, get the best of your unit while keeping all your extremities, we've taken the liberties of writing this manual, and strongly suggest that you read it before attempting to handle your unit.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Kurai Honda. Will also reply to "Kurai", "Honda", happily to "My Samurai", overjoyed to "Otou-san", and furious to "Weakling".
Age: 18
Place of Manufacture: Tokyo, Japan
Height: 5' 4"
Weight: light
Length: I still have no idea what this means
NOTE: He has a near vertical scar reaching from his right shoulder to his left hip on the front of his torso.
Your KURAI HONDA unit comes with the following accessories:
One (1) pitch black samurai outfit without the helmet
One (1) red changshan with golden trimming
One (1) pair of dark colored kung fu pants
One (1) golden yukata with red trimming and obi
One (1) white handle, black-wrapped katana
Programming:
Your KURAI HONDA unit is equipped with the following trait:
Bodyguard: The KURAI HONDA unit will protect you from any harm, but he might interrupt any other units' normal day if they start bugging his wife or his son. That's when you need to worry and try to convince him to not attack them, it might be difficult to do that.
Removal of your KURAI HONDA from Packaging:
Your unit is, simply put, a morning person. You can't jolt him into a locked mode, and he won't try and kill you when you wake him up. The only problem with KURAI HONDA is that it's extremely easy to wake him up; in order to avoid any drama, we've attached the following list of failsafe ways to get your unit up and going and ready to reprogram.
1. Have a HIKARI HONDA unit stand next to the box and call out to her husband. He will push the lid off and come out of the box to have a loving hug with his wife. The only problem will be finding a HIKARI HONDA unit. She might either be arguing with a MÉGÈRE LAURINAITIS EUROPE unit or following a KIKU HONDA unit quietly.
2. Get a KIKU HONDA unit to come and call out for his father, who will break out of the box and walk over to chat with his son. He won't forget about KIKU HONDA's personal space and will leave whenever the unit starts feeling uncomfortable and/or uneasy.
3. Just walk over to the box and open the lid before gently shaking him and calling out his name quietly. He will wake up and sit up while staring as he groggily blinks his eyes since he might not be used to waking up either too early or too late.
Reprogramming
After successfully awakening your KURAI HONDA unit, you'll have the option to reprogram him. His modes are as follows:
Calm(default)
Father-like(default)
Samurai
Sneaky
Romantic
Furious (locked)
KURAI HONDA's standard modes are Calm and Father-like. Both are very simple concepts: in Calm, your unit will not question anything and will usually just stare and go with whatever you're saying, unless you're insulting him or his family, then get ready for a world of hurt. Father-like makes him easy to raise kids which means that you should always have cameras set up in your house, because a HIKARI HONDA ASIA might lose a kid or three while being distracted by others, and he has to find them.
If you put your unit into Samurai mode, he'll suddenly become the overprotective guardian you never had. He'll be extremely fond of HIKARI HONDA and KIKU HONDA units, and might ask for them randomly; if he vanishes, there's a good chance he's gone off to chill with an YAO WANG unit or fight with a SOUTH KOREA unit. To put him into this mode, simply show him a little!Japan unit or a LividHIKARI HONDA.
In Sneaky, KURAI HONDA will follow any units around quietly, but he will mostly follow the KIKU HONDA unit around. He tries to see what is going on in his son's life, but he won't be noticed since he can hide easily in plain sight...or any sight at all. To get him into this mode show him a KIKU HONDA unit walking away from him and leave the rest to him.
His last unlocked mode is Romantic. If you want your unit to be loving to his wife, he must be in this mode. Love, in any other mode, will create a forever-casual relationship with the HIKARI HONDA ASIA unit. To get KURAI HONDA into Romantic, simply sit down and watch a chick-flick marathon. Movies like Letters to Juliet and Titanic are wonderful for this.
Your unit has one locked mode, Furious, that can be unlocked by putting him in a room with ALFRED F. JONES for a while, or threaten to harm his family and he will snap. When he returns home, KURAI HONDA will seem the same, except for two major things: one, he'll actually talk a lot, and two, he'll go out killing people instead of coming home on time. He covers his tracks expertly, though, so you won't need to worry about the police investigating. Even after switching modes, your KURAI HONDA will still show traits of Furious, but you can get a HIKARI HONDA ASIA or KIKU HONDA to convince her not to kill people.
Relationships with Other Units
He won't need to be in a relationship with other units since he is already married to one.
HIKARI HONDA ASIA: She loves him to bits and will cheer him up anytime. She is his wife and won't allow anyone to injure him since he was already injured in battle once, and will only calm down once she's assured him that her and their son are safe or if she will calm him down.
KIKU HONDA: He loves him so much that he will follow him everywhere to ensure his safety. He never knows that his father is following him unless he senses him and will look but freezes up when their identical eyes meet. It takes a while for him to calm down and by then KURAI HONDA will be out of sight.
Cleaning
Your unit loves baths, and will only take them with his wife and/or with his son. He can clean up after himself, actually he'll clean up any mess he sees and laughs quietly at his wife's threatening demeanor when she tells someone to clean up the mess she just cleaned up. Even he knows not to set her off.
Feeding
KURAI HONDA loves his wife's gardening and cooking. He can make his own food by helping his wife with the garden, so don't worry about feeding him; if anything, he'll try and feed you because both him and his wife thinks you're not eating enough and knows that you need certain vitamins to grow tall and strong.
Rest
Every night, your unit will find his wife and then flop onto the bed for a well-deserved sleep, although he will be a light sleeper so don't have anyone come home late. Apart from this, KURAI HONDA will sleep either early to wake up at dawn every morning for his sword skill practice.
FAQ
Q: My unit's out of control! He's trying to knock out the person/unit that suddenly took him!
A: He was most likely just separated from his wife HIKARI HONDA ASIA. There is nothing you can do, because if you intervene you'll just infuriate him; just wait it out. He'll return to her in a few days from whatever took him from her.
Q: The KIKU HONDA unit ran away, and so did my KURAI HONDA and HIKARI HONDA ASIA!
A: Luckily, every unit comes equipped with a GPS tracker that can locate them within three feet anywhere on the planet! Simply call or email Customer Services (if you call, you'll need to follow the necessary prompts), and give the eight-digit shipment code you got in your order confirmation email.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Instead of receiving a man in your box, you got a pre-teen wearing a changshan with black kung fu pants. He's quiet all the time, likes to sleep at a certain time, practices his sword skills all the time, and has no idea who HIKARI HONDA ASIA or KIKU HONDA are.
Solution: Whoops, we accidentally sent you a little!Kurai unit! This form of your unit is about twelve or so, but he is just like his son, and therefore good for samurai-like activities. He is, unfortunately, automatically in Calm, and there are no other mode options for him; since he hasn't met HIKARI HONDA ASIA yet, he's an emotionless samurai. We understand completely if you want to trade him in, in which case you need only call Customer Services.
End Notes
With enough love, care, and patience for romantic movies, you'll find KURAI HONDA to be a valuable companion. We wish you good luck, and hope you enjoy your unit!