Get a grip, Sean. Just relax.

I kind of knew my first kiss was Axl. Ok. I didn't but I am not quite disgusted by it. In fact, I might even like it.

Of course I am not gay. I mean, liking your best friend doesn't make you gay and I never said I like him. Because I don't like him. That's for sure.

"I am a much better kisser now."

Prove it. But I shouldn't say that. Of course I am smarter than Axl I could manipulate him into kissing me. I'm not that type of person. What kind of friend would do that? Axl.

How could I sit here and watch this stupid movie knowing my first kiss was Axl?

He smells like popcorn and Axe Hurricane. I don't know why my body seems to be responding to his scent. Must be because I'm thinking about it. Yeah, that's it, because I'm thinking about it.

Not gay. Not gay? Not gay!

"I have kissed 38 women."

I can pretend that didn't sting. But I don't need to pretend. It didn't sting. I'm a man. He's a man. We don't like each other and I'm not hurt by that.

"I'm still in the single digits but I have better grades."

Way to go, Sean, you're pathetic. I haven't had sex in two years.

"I lost my virginity to Cassidy."

Shut up, Axl.

Ok. That one hurt. Axl is not looking at me. He is actually trying to watch the movie. How could he sit there and actually watch this movie in a time like this? Is he avoiding me? Of course he's avoiding me.

He has no facial hair at all. Its kind of cute that he can't grow facial hair. No. I do not think he's cute. Never. Its not like Axl was the cutest boy at Orson high. It's not like I noticed. I didn't notice. I just listened to all the girls talk about how cute he was.

I don't even know how to do this. Why is this movie not over? How long do I have to sit here?

I wish my mom didn't hate me. I could use someone to talk to about this. She isn't the most open-minded person, but still it would be nice to talk to someone. Not that there is anything to talk about, because there isn't.

Whatever happened to Brad? He would be perfect to talk to. He's not my type. Not that I have a type. Brad is sweet but so campy.

Axl is touching me. Ok. Get a grip. You can do this, Sean. Deep breath. Act natural and not like your insides are suddenly ball room dancing.

It was only a kiss when we were twelve. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm a Donahue we don't act like this. He is still touching me. And his hand is gone. Put it back.

So maybe I am into Axl. Is that the end of the world? Yes. Nothing could ever happen.

Why is this movie so long? Should I make an excuse to leave? Should I put my arm around him?

Axl and I "talk" after the movie. We high five and I hold his hand a bit. Oh crap. There it is again. He releases and walks away. I swoon. Stop it, Sean.

I didn't watch him leave, I just made sure he was actually gone before I flipped out and called Darrin. I totally didn't look at his butt. The best butt in the class of 2013, at least some people might think so. I am not one of them. Am I?

Darrin drove my car. We drove around in silence for a while. I needed to get it off my chest.

"Axl and I kissed in middle school and I think I might be in love with him."

There like pulling duct tape off your arm. Not really. This is less painful.

"I know that."

"What? How could you have known, I didn't even know?"

"I've known you two since pre-school."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Mom said it was rude."

"Your mom knows too?"

I am embarrassed. Darrin's mom is a kind lady. I shouldn't be embarrassed. She isn't going to tell the neighborhood. She would have done it already. Is there something to tell?

"I'm surprised it took you this long."

I'm surprised it happened at all. But I don't say that. How could I? What would my mother say? What would Axl's mother say?

"Where do I go from here?"

"If it were me I'd talk to my mom. Then to Axl."

"I'm never going near Axl ever again."

"Why?"

Because. Because. Because.

He smells really good. He makes my heart do this weird thing. I can't seem to find my breath when I'm around him. Sometimes I want to wrap his curls around my fingers and give them a nice tug. Sometimes I want to stare into those sparkly eyes for hours. That is so gay. Oh crap.

I give him a look. It takes him a long time. But this is Darrin. He drives me and my car back to my parents house and then walks home.

I have to beg him not to stop and talk to Axl.

Nancy is waiting up for me. She's drying the dishes from the day. I take a deep breath and go inside.

Am I really doing this? What if its just a phase? Ok. I know that's not true.

"Mom," I begin.

Mom and Dad have always been strict but fair. Growing up they put a lot of pressure on me. I guess that's why I cracked and became a vegan.

She won't look at me.

"Axl was my first kiss and I think I like him."

I have no idea why I'm holding my breath.

I cringe. This is difficult.

"So you're gay now too?" That was way harsher than I expected.

"I didn't say that."

"So what is this then?"

"I don't know. I realized at the movie tonight that I might have a crush on him."

"Haven't you embarrassed your father and me enough?"

And I leave. I have no idea where I'm going. Yes I do. I'm going to the Hecks. Mr. Heck invites me in and I go to Axl and Brick's room.

"Hey, Sean," Axl acts like nothing changed but it did. How is he not freaking out?

"Can I stay here tonight? I had a fight with my mom."

Axl sleeps in his boxers. I don't sleep right away. I am definitely not counting his chest hairs. I am absolutely not watching his chest fall up and down as he breathes.

Axl's bed dips in the center and he slides against me in the middle of the night. Crap. Crap. Crap. Do not touch him, Sean. Don't do it.