"Just do it. Don't be a pussy. Just get it over with. Then it will be good for everyone."
"Worthless, waste of space, ugly, and oxygen is wasted on her."
"Bitchy little cunt. She thinks she is so special because her father has money. Ugh, won't she just up and leave already?"
"Whore."
"Slut."
"Druggie."
"Anorexic."
"Loner."
"Unwanted.
These words possess my thoughts everyday. They have been said by enough people, they must be true, right? If I were to die, my family wouldn't even notice.
But as I hold a lighter to my thigh with my shaking hand, there is hope. A hope that is just the size of an electron. But still hope. Hope that someone, somewhere, cares. Cares about me. And then that hope is crushed when I figure out what my mom said earlier.
"I always wanted a boy." She hesitated, but then said, "Actually, I realize I don't want children." She used present tense. My mom doesn't want me.
I put down the lighter, and then grab my razor blade and slash through my scarred, white thigh. They're right. I need to be punished. Blood spills out from small veins. I deserve this.
After my thighs are almost completely bloodied, I lay back on my large bed and take deep breathes. I look at my door, making sure that it is locked. My father being the mayor, has it's casualties. As in random people in my house and sometimes trying to come in my room to make sure I did my homework.
Good for nothing. I heard that five times at school today. I know I shouldn't be allowed to feel like this, but it hurts. I can hurt, right? God, these people have changed the smiley little girl I was 7 years ago. I was nine. It's been that long since I was happy? Was that even happy?
I fall asleep on my bed lying there, thinking about when I was little. Like every other night. That's all I can do to sleep now. I don't bother cleaning myself, or even putting the razor back. If someone is going to find me, let them.
I wake up to sun filling the windows of my dark room. I love Saturdays. It's the one day I have peace and quiet. It's the one day I put a stop to self harm. Sunday I work for my father, so not so much.
I look down at myself, and think, Madge, go clean yourself. And so I do. But when the hot water washes away the dried blood, it re-opens the wounds and stings when the soap washes down my body. Once done, I look at myself in the mirror. Skinny, pale, blonde, blue eyes, average, nothing special or unique. Just me.
I put on a dress the color of the sky that is full length, and long sleeved. Perfect.
I tell the maid that I am going to the market to get some beans, but she just gives me a 'you're crazy' look and nods.
I am almost to the city center, when I see that no one is there. None of the shops are opened. Is it a holiday? No, just the victory tour is coming up in a month. I forgot that we close for every Saturday until then so that we can mourn our dead. All well.
I stare at my feet as I wander around, trying to walk in straight lines, walking on my tippy-toes in straight lines, etc. Just things to distract myself. And then I run into the hottest guy in school. I mean literally, I walked straight into him.
"Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to." I say and try to walk away, but he grabs my arm.
"It's fine. I didn't catch your- oh. You're Madge, right?" He asks.
"And you're Gale?" I say.
He laughs. "Yes. Yes I am. What are you doing in town?" He asks changing the subject.
"Just... Nothing." I say, trying to sound cheery.
"And by 'Nothing' you mean..." He trails off.
"Nothing." I say with a slight nod.
"Okay. Well, see you at school." Then he tries to pull away, squeezing my wrist, opening cuts from the pressure. And then I make a sound of pain. "Are you okay?"
"Yea, just... I gotta go." I say and turn around. But I am stopped by his grip becoming firmer and the next thing I know he is pulling up my sleeve and staring at cuts and scars.
"Did you... Why..." He asks me still holding onto my arm.
"It's a long story." I say looking away, embarrassed.
"I've got ears." He says pulling me to a bench by the fabric store.
"Well.. I have been bullied for a long time.." I say looking at my feet. "And now I'm here. Talking to you because I am an idiot."
"You're not an idiot." he says sternly.
"And how would you know? And if that many people are saying it... It must be true." I say rolling my eyes.
"How many people?" He asks.
"Enough." I say. "Now I have really got to be going."
"Don't listen to them. It's not okay for them to make someone feel like they need to hurt themselves." He says standing up after me. And in about .3 seconds I am going to explode. No one else knows and so it is gonna come out in a explosion.
"But that is it. I don't feel like it, I know that I need to be punished because they are right. I am worthless. I am a disgrace to everyone who knows me and all I do is hurt people. I should just kill myself." My voice is now raised and I am regretting that completely and totally. What am I doing? Telling this to him?
He puts his large hand on my shoulder and says, "You're wrong." He turns away, but then after a few steps he turns and says, "You'll see." and leaves.
Tears well in my eyes, and I can't go home. Because Gale was wrong. I won't see. I am too stupid. So instead I walk around a bit more, and just my luck, I run into my haters.
"Hey shitface. How's the prostitution business?" The leader asks.
I just ignore her, partly because there is a lump in my throat, and also because I am at a loss of words.
"I fucking asked you a question." She says again.
"Don't be so hard on her, she was dropped in the mines when she was a baby." One of her minions says. I look up and recognize the voice and match it to the face.
"Katniss?" I ask.
"See?" Katniss says.
"I guess you're right, kitkat." The other minion says.
I keep walking as the leader says, "Go kill yourself whore."
I walk faster, not realizing I was even headed to the bridge. It is the largest and tallest bridge in 12. That should do. So I guess it ends tonight.
I walk on the thick railing of the bridge singing a song that Katniss taught me. It talk about a meadow, and how the next day will bring something better. Maybe it might just be right. I finish the song. As I start up to the highest point of the bridge, I think about Gale. He showed me kindness in this cruel world. And I will never be able to repay him. Even if he only really noticed me that once. Thank you, Gale.
I stare at the sky and catch sight of a shooting star. I make a wish for my next life to be better. I am about to say goodbye when someone grabs hold of my waste and carries me away from the edge.
"What the hell!" I shout. Then I release myself from their grip and see him. "Gale?"
"Yea. What the hell are you doing?" He shouts back.
"You didn't hear what they just said!" My voice breaks.
"Actually, I did. I didn't stop them 'cause I thought I would catch up with you later, but then lost sight of you. I heard singing coming from over here and saw you, about to jump. You scared me, goddamnit." He catches his breath.
"Why do you care?" I whisper.
"I don't know. But I knew I couldn't live without you." He says putting his hands on my shoulders.
"What are you talking about? The first time you noticed me was earlier today." I say reluctantly stepping back.
"That's almost funny. I have always noticed you. I have liked you since first grade." He takes a step toward me. I take another step backward and I am against the other railing. He takes two more steps so only inches separate us.
I look up at his lips, suddenly wondering what they would feel like against mine. "I'm sorry." I look away. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" He places his fingertips gently under my chin and makes me look at him.
"I don't know." I whisper, almost muted by the feeling of his skin and his nearness.
"Well, don't be. I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't stick up for you years ago." He is a little closer now, so I can feel and smell his sweet breath. It is intoxicating. I look down and nod, not knowing what else to do. "Were you really going to do it?" He sounds vulnerable now.
"No- well...Yes." I sigh.
He places his hands on my lower back and pulls me in for a warm hug. I wrap my arms around his neck and the first tear escapes. "You're shaking." He says and pulls away to put his jacket around me.
"I hadn't even noticed it was night. But then I did see a shooting star." I shrug.
"Madge?" He says.
"Yes?"
"Don't ever do that again. I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore." He says seriously.
"Okay." I agree.
He grabs my hand and we start the walk back to town. We talk about the randomest things and the most personal things. He even walks me to my house, which is across town from his, in the Seam.
"Madge?" he asks.
"Yes?"
"See you at school." He says then walks away.
"See you in my dreams." I mutter and close the door.
I go to bed, but a half hour later I am woken by rocks being thrown at my window. I open the window and spot Gale. "What are you doing?"
"Checking on you." he says, then smiles.
"Well I am fine." I laugh. Wow, my mood has changed drastically. I am... Well, someone cares... But... I am happy.