I remember your bare feet, down the hallway, I remember your little laugh.
"Every night after brushing your teeth you would smile really big and give a mischievous look. You would hop of your little stool and take off running down the hallway, running from the bedtime monster. I would chase after you and you would just giggle. I'll never forget your little laugh." Olivia blinked as the tears silently gushed down her face.
Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back.
"I always stepped on some sort of toy when I walked into your bedroom to tuck you in. Every night the routine was the same. You would tell me you loved me and I would tell you that I loved you to the moon and back. That will never change." She cleared her throat as she felt it becoming harder to speak.
I remember you dancing before bed time, then jumping on me, waking me up
"I'll never forget dancing with you before bedtime with the radio turned up on full blast. I hope you won't forget it either. It won't be the same without you jumping on me in the morning but, somehow, I'll get through. I'll get through for you."
I can still feel you hold my hand, little man.
"I'll never forget when you grabbed onto my hand and told me you loved me for the last time... you told me you would always be my little man..." she took a moment to compose herself, "you were right."
Brian stood behind her fighting every fiber of his being to control the wracked sobs he could feel coming. Watching his wife come undone was only adding to his undefinable pain. He watched as her shoulders shook and he listened as she breathed heavily into the microphone to gain her composure.
It's about to be Halloween, you could be anything, you wanted if you were still here.
"Your favorite holiday is coming up and I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I remember last year when you dressed up as a cop. Just like Daddy. You came home with two buckets full and before the night was over you arrested me and Daddy for sneaking pieces of your candy. I miss you more than anything..."
I remember the last day, when I kissed your face and whispered in your ear...
"I hope you heard me whispering in your ear that last day." She was coming undone right before everyone. Her whole body was shaking and her vision was blurred. The paper she had planned on reading from had long since fell the floor. "I... I love you so much, Noah. I'm sorry I couldn't save you."
When Olivia was finished she turned around to face the small coffin that was covered in white roses. She through herself over the lid and sobbed, harsh, heartbreaking cries that reverberated throughout the room. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please... Noah, please. Please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry."
"Liv," Brian said gently placing a hand on her arm, "it wasn't your fault."
Ever since Noah had been diagnosed at the age of three of leukemia Olivia had blamed herself. She shouldn't have worked during the first few months of the pregnancy or she didn't eat as healthy as she could have. Brian tried to convince her that nothing she did could have caused this but she wasn't listening to any of it. The last day in the hospital had been the hardest.
"Mommy," Noah's eyes fluttered open as he whispered hoarsely to Olivia.
"Yeah, little man?" she leaned down close to his mouth so she could hear him.
"I can't stay anymore," he whispered as he took her hand in his tiny pale one. "I love you and I'll always be your little man."
Olivia lost control and seconds later the alarms blared and doctors rushed in. "No," she cried as she through herself into Brian's arms. "No, no this isn't true. It's just a nightmare. Please! Wake me up," she sobbed into his shirt. "Just wake me up!"
I remember the drive home, when the blind hope turned to crying and screaming "Why?" Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say, about a beautiful boy who died
When the service was over Olivia and Brian climbed into the car. Olivia couldn't take the anger any longer and she started hitting the dash board as hard as her waning energy would let her. "Why? Why? Why!" Brian let her cry as he drove them home, hoping she would fall asleep. He needed to grieve too but right now he was keeping it together for her sake.
When he unlocked the door and pushed it open, flowers were piled from floor to ceiling. Everyone took the coward way out and had them delivery because nobody had any words to say. What did you say to someone who just lost their child?
Olivia stood in the middle of the living room with tears still gliding down her cheeks. This had been the hardest week of her life. "Bri..." she whispered.
Brian knew what she needed so he made his way over to her and hugged her tightly, giving her the little comfort he could. "We'll get through this," he whispered as his own tears poured again, "for Noah."
I remember your bare feet down the hallway. I love you to the moon and back