Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time.
A/N: I've been working on this one-shot for a while, though it should have been finished a while ago if not for surgery and life or death situations. It's based on schizophrenic situations I've dealt with. I want to thank FreedomInTheMusic and Bandgrad2008 for being with me through everything and helping me get through my problems. I seriously appreciate these two more than anything. I also have a fic that I'm going to be starting soon, but I have no idea when I'll get around to it.
Italics are present-day, regular text is Emma's memories.
Henry slams the car door, staring up at the six-story apartment building that towers above him, and takes a deep breath. He hasn't been in this town in nearly six years, after he'd graduated college and left his parents and friends behind to travel the world. And yet, the nervousness flooding through him at the mere thought of being back was overwhelming, almost suffocating him as he enters the building and takes the elevator to the third floor.
At least two dozen people stand in the living room when he knocks, twice as many eyes watching him as he gives his mother a hug. Regina forces a tight smile when he pulls away, brushing the hair out of his eyes, and he allows her without protest. It's been too long since they've laid eyes on each other, or heard each other speak, and neither can bring the words they want so desperately to say.
His need to cry for his mother is too great to ignore and he pulls Regina into another embrace, tears flowing freely as he whispers his apologies over and over. He regrets avoiding visits, regrets forgetting more than once to call, regrets believing that this could ever happen to anyone he cared about.
Emma groans, rolling onto her back and throwing her arm across her face to block out the midmorning sun. Her apartment is eerily quiet, the grandfather clock in her living room echoing each tick through the silence. Stretching to ease her cramped muscles, she sits up and rubs her eyes with the back of her left hand, stifling a yawn. Reaching to her left, she frowns as her fingertips brush against cold satin sheets, and she sighs. Her lover must have been awake for hours now.
She slips out of bed, straightening the bedding, a tiny voice in the back of her head humming in approval as she tucks the blanket under her pillows. Her feet drag as she trudges into the hallway, glancing into Henry's room as she passes. Halting and taking three steps back, she stares blankly at the empty and made bed, briefly wondering if the seventeen year old had even come home last night.
The kitchen is empty, and her frown deepens, for there is nowhere left for her lover to hide. She mentally shrugs away the thought that she's been abandoned by yet another important person in her life, searching the refrigerator for something quick and easy to eat for breakfast, and finding herself with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She left you, the voice in the back of her mind offers smugly. Just like everyone else, she left you. Emma shakes her head defiantly, choosing not to believe that pestering voice, and chews a half of a slice of bacon. Why would she ever stay anyway? "Stop it!" she hisses, slamming her hand on down onto the counter. "She didn't leave; why would she leave?" she mutters under her breath. "She promised she wouldn't leave."
But the words are hollow and void of comfort. Emma's heart clenches, fear coursing through her as the statement engraves itself upon the back of her mind.
The sound of knuckles rapping against the door of the apartment causes her to jerk in surprise and she frowns, unaware of any guests who might appear. Setting the plate of food on the kitchen counter, she wipes her hands on her pajama pants and approaches the door, sighing when a second, louder set of taps echoes through the silence. Unlocking the door, she opens it to reveal a brunette woman, who pushes past Emma into the apartment.
"Uh…Ruby, what are you doing here?" she asks, closing the door and turning to face her unannounced guest. She's here for Henry's things, for her things. Emma grits her teeth but doesn't respond, refusing to allow her friend to acknowledge the voice's existence.
Ruby shrugs, plopping down onto the sofa and looking up at her host. "I thought I'd come over and see how you were doing," she answers. Emma frowns and returns to her breakfast, although her appetite is slowly slipping away. "I saw Henry with Regina at the diner," the other woman continues. "Since you weren't there, I figured you were sick or you and Regina had a fight or something."
"They were gone before I woke up," Emma replies automatically, her jaw snapping shut when she realizes what she's admitted. How stupid, the voice taunts. We both know why they didn't wake you. "She wanted to spend the day with Henry," she lies, the words poison on her tongue.
Ruby seems to accept the explanation and smiles at her friend, blind to the anxiety building up beneath Emma's surface. Before she can speak, the apartment door swings open and Regina and Henry enter. Emma's eyes meet her lover's, barely noticing Ruby's departure, and she wants to say goodbye to the woman, but her tongue is thick as she swallows guilt and relief.
Regina is smiling warmly at her, and Henry is kicking off his shoes and jumping onto the couch, remote in hand as he turns the television on. "We brought you breakfast," Regina tells her, and god, Emma had been afraid she would never hear her voice again. She foregoes taking the bag Regina offers and pulls her close for a tight hug, burying her face in the brunette's neck and relaxing in the warmth. "Emma, are you alright?"
"Yeah," Emma mutters against skin. "I am now." To her relief, Regina doesn't ask what that means, or what had happened, but the woman most certainly is concerned about her behavior. Pulling away, Emma reaches for the bag, purposely brushing Regina's knuckles with her fingertips, and she smiles. "Ruby came over earlier," she adds, returning to the kitchen to add her meal to the plate of bacon on the counter.
Regina frowns and Emma instantly realizes her mistake, shaking her head. "Ruby…Emma, you told me you stopped seeing her," Regina says quietly.
Emma drops her gaze to her hands, twisting her fork between her fingers. "I thought she was gone. But the voice told me that you and Henry were gone and then she was here and—" Regina stops her with a hand on her cheek and she looks up, her eyes focused on Regina's nose. She couldn't meet Regina's eyes, worried they'll be full of disappointment. Emma raises her brow. "You came back…"
Regina smiles and brushes her thumb under Emma's eyes to dry the tears flowing there. "I know it's hard for you to grasp, but we're not going anywhere. Ignore that damn voice, it doesn't know anything," she whispers. Emma nods, swallowing the lump in her throat and leaning forward to kiss Regina. Her hands fist Regina's shirt at the lower curve of the woman's back, holding her impossibly close as she nips the woman's bottom lip, and she finally locks her gaze with Regina's.
"Your mother would have loved to see how you've grown, Henry. You look very well for yourself," Regina tells him as they sit on her bed, after everyone has already gone home. She reaches into the drawer of the bedside table, removing a leather-bound notebook and handing it to her son. "Emma wrote in this journal the memories she hung onto. She wanted you to have it."
Henry holds the book and traces the front cover with his index finger. "I should have come back. I should have called. She…Mom, what if she never wakes up?"
Henry is graduating high school tonight and Emma doesn't know how she'll make it through the ceremony without breaking down and wishing he were still a little boy. Regina holds her hand during her wordless panic, seemingly sensing the hidden anxiety in her wife, and whispers assurances in her ear as they eat dinner with her parents. Emma gradually relaxes and joins the conversation revolving around Henry, watching her son as he talks animatedly about being the valedictorian, and she's proud of him.
He's leaving you for good this time. He's a man now, and there's nothing you can do, the voice whips hauntingly. Emma shakes her head defiantly, refusing to listen to the voice, and smiles at Henry. "I'm proud of you, kid," she declares, and four pairs of eyes fall on her. She realizes that she's missed the subject change to horses, or whatever they were really discussing, but she doesn't care. She wants Henry to know.
Mary Margaret notices Emma's confusion and congratulates Henry once again. Regina mouths a thank you from the other side of the blonde, which Mary Margaret acknowledges with a nod, and the conversation resumes. You're such an idiot. They all know something is wrong with you. You know it as well. Emma frowns and stares at her food, stubbornly dragging her fork through her mashed potatoes.
She is oblivious to Regina's sad eyes watching her, wondering what is going through her lover's mind to cause her silence. Regina doesn't address the issue, not here with Mary-Margaret and David, both of whom would make everything dramatically worse; she's thankful for Henry being the center of their attention at the moment.
Three hours later, Emma unlocks the apartment door, muttering under her breath incoherently, Regina a few steps behind her. The blonde drops onto the couch, head tilted back and eyes closed. "Emma, we need to talk." Emma tenses and turns away from Regina. She's going to leave you.
"No!" Emma shouts, covering her ears with her hands and curling into a ball. Regina kneels on the floor in front of her, reaching out to cover Emma's hands with her own. They've gone through this enough that Regina knows not to speak, that words will not help Emma when she's fighting the voice, and she leans forward, pressing her lips to the woman's forehead. Emma continues to mutter incomprehensively, rocking back and forth until she finally becomes still, her face buried in the crook of Regina's neck. Regina is thankful their son decided to spend the night at his grandparents'; he had seen Emma like this too many times.
She waits until Emma's breathing steadies and uncurls her so that she's sleeping comfortably on the couch. When she turns to find a blanket, Emma's fingers curl around her wrist and pull her toward her; she sighs and allows Emma to pull her into a cuddle, arm draped over Regina's waist and lips pressed against the back of her neck. She warms at Emma's subconscious need to be close to her and holds the hand on her belly in her own. "Love you," Emma murmurs, lips brushing against skin as she sleeps.
"She did," Henry assures his mother as he turns the page. "She does love you, even if she's unable to say it right now." Regina raises her brow and her son smirks. "I had to make sure she loved you, you know. Duties of the man of the house and all, I had to when she told me she wanted to marry you."
Rolling her eyes at his remark, she reaches out and touches his cheek. He dons a smile that would match his mother's, and Regina sighs. "I told her about that night," she confesses. "She had no idea what had happened after we left your grandparents'…but she wanted to know."
Henry covers her hand with his own and smiles sheepishly. "She used to ask me too, and sometimes I'd exaggerate a bit."
Emma wakes suddenly to a repetitive thud in the living room and shoots up into a sitting position. Regina murmurs groggily beside her, curling an arm around her waist and urging her to lie back down. The stubborn woman presses a chaste kiss to her lover's cheek and slides out of bed, leaving the bedroom and tiptoeing through the hall.
Reaching blindly for the light switch, she flicks it on and blinks her eyes against the brightness of the ceiling fan lights. Ruby lounges on the couch, tossing a little rubber ball against the ceiling, and Emma crosses her arms. "Do you really have to show up in the middle of the night and make so much noise?"
Ruby grins and catches the ball, hopping to her feet. "It isn't my fault that you think about me when you're in bed with her," she quips, and Emma winces. "That's not what I meant, and you know it, Emma Swan."
Emma shakes her head. "I didn't think about you at all, Ruby. Why do you keep showing up? You're not supposed to be in my head anymore."
The brunette shrugs. "It isn't like I interrupted anything. Besides, I'm never going to get out of your head," she taunts. "I'm like a song that you just can't stop singing. No matter how hard you try, I'm always going to be here to remind you that people leave. Henry left you a year ago…Without him, how long do you think it will be before Regina leaves you as well? After all, you came together because of him."
Emma grits her teeth at the casual statement. "We're together because we love each other. Henry will come back…"
Ruby chuckles. "Maybe if you say it enough, you might actually believe it one day."
With that, she's gone, and Emma punches the wall above the light switch. There's a rustle from the bedroom, and Regina emerges, pulling Emma's shirt over her head to hide her nudity. She stares at her wife, concerned when she notices Emma's expression. "Emma…?"
"Please don't let it win, Regina. Please promise you won't leave me," she mutters, head hung and eyes shut tight. She'll never keep her promise, no matter what she says. Face it. She curses under her breath, forgetting Regina's presence. When fingers carefully circle her wrist, she flinches, opening her eyes to find Regina frowning at her. "You're…"
Regina shakes her head. "I'm not going anywhere, Emma. The voice is a liar…it doesn't decide what I'm going to do. Do you understand me?" Emma nods slowly, and Regina smiles softly. "Now come to bed, dear. It's cold otherwise."
"Ugh, Mom, she actually put details in here! I thought she was planning for me to read this," Henry complains, rolling his eyes and turning the page. "Wait…you did what—I don't even want to know." He barely notices his mother's blush as she averts her eyes, remembering that night.
"She might not have meant for you to read that part, Henry," she mutters. "Or perhaps she expected you to be more mature upon coming across it." Sighing, she examines him in the corner of her eye, taking in the grown up version of her son, his gaze focused on the journal in his hands, a smirk tugging at his lips here, a frown there.
Henry looks up after a moment, catching her watching him. "Mom, you look as though you've seen a ghost," he points out, gently poking her arm to assure her that he's actually sitting in front of her.
"I'm sorry," she mutters. "I…it's been a long time since you've been here."
Emma leans against the wall of the mayoral office, watching her wife sort through seemingly endless paperwork, and she sighs for the twentieth time since she's arrived. "If you're bored, dear, you're welcome to go home and wait for me there," Regina suggests distractedly.
"Why go home when I have a decent view here?" Emma quips, causing the other woman to glance at her and raise her brow questioningly. The blonde frowns and turns away from Regina, crossing her arms and staring blankly out through the window.
She doesn't hear Regina move until a hand wraps around her bicep, turning her to face the mayor, and she keeps her eyes averted. Regina frowns, raising Emma's face with two fingers under her chin. Emma refuses to look at her, until she leans forward and places a gentle kiss to her lips. "Emma, talk to me…Why don't you want to go home?" There are tears in the blonde's eyes and Regina's frown deepens. "Emma, dear, what's wrong?"
"You won't be there and…what if I go home and never see you again? What if you decide to leave, or if my heart…what if my condition gets worse? You'll be here and I'll be there and Regina, I'm…I'm scared. I don't want to be alone." Emma pulls away from Regina and crosses the office to sit in a chair. Holding her head in her hands, she mutters to herself.
Much as she had when Henry was a little boy, Regina kneels before Emma, taking her hands into her own. "Emma, I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I will always come to you. I know you're scared. I can only imagine what goes through your mind, but from what you tell me, it isn't pleasant, nor is it worth listening to." She places their joined hands over Emma's heart. "Your heart is beating, Emma. It may be damaged, but it's still beating and I will be here even after it stops."
"Dr. Whale said…"
"I don't care what he said," Regina interrupts, narrowing her eyes pointedly. She was all too well aware that the doctor believed he knew everything that had to do with medical science, and that fact only serves to grate her nerves where Emma is concerned.
Emma pulls her hands from Regina's and reaches forward, grabbing the back of the woman's neck and yanking her forward to kiss her. "Can I just stay here and watch you work?" she asks quietly, her forehead resting against Regina's, her eyes closed. "Please?"
Henry stands outside of the door, hands stuffed into his jacket pockets as he hesitates, afraid of what will happen if he enters. Six years have passed since he's seen his blonde mother, and never once in that time did he believe that he'd ever be standing here, that his first sight of her in so long would be under such circumstances. Regina had offered to accompany him, which he had accepted, although he had asked for the first few moments alone with the comatose woman.
He glances at Regina, who sits in one of the hard plastic chairs just outside the door, and she nods in encouragement. With one final sigh, he opens the door and tears fill his eyes as he takes in the broken woman lying in the bed, tubes and wires attached and machines beeping. Closing the door behind him, he slowly crosses the room to drop into a chair by the bed and closes his eyes, dropping his head into his hands.
"You're supposed to be strong, Ma. You're supposed to be up and kicking my ass for being gone so long, yelling at me for avoiding calls and getting caught up in life."
"I have to enjoy every moment that I have left."
Regina looks up from the paperwork she's barely been able to focus on all morning and raises a brow questioningly at her wife. Emma isn't looking at her, isn't seeing her, as she paces back and forth in the office, wringing her hands. "Emma…"
The woman stops her pacing and turns to face Regina, slamming her hands down onto the surface of the desk. Regina flinches, causing her wife's expression to soften and she muttered several apologies before dropping into a chair and hanging her head. "I…I can't just sit around and believe that this is it, Regina."
Regina stares at the former sheriff, silently wondering what had changed her mind about her outlook on life. Emma lived through torturous voices, constant insecurity, and yet here she was, holding onto some sense of acceptance for possibly the first time in her life. She nods in agreement. "Then do something about it, dear."
Emma stands, circling the desk and pulling Regina to her feet, kissing her deeply before her wife can properly respond. Pale hands slip from hips to thighs, lifting the woman and setting her on the desk atop the paperwork Regina had just not been doing, but Emma doesn't care, doesn't notice, as she moves her mouth along Regina's jaw and throat.
Regina's legs wrap around Emma's waist as she realizes this isn't what she had thought Emma had in mind, but she can't bring herself to stop, no matter that they're currently in her office. Slipping her hand up Regina's skirt, Emma is aware that Regina hadn't been thinking about this at all, and the voice in the back of her mind taunts her, "Why would she ever be thinking about this with you?"
Emma growls angrily, nipping Regina's throat as she presses closer to her lover, fingers setting to work. Despite her frustration, Emma is gentle in doing so, and when Regina jerks against her, she slips her fingers inside. Emma's urgency causes Regina to cry out a short time later, both of them breathing heavily as their hearts pound in their chests. Suddenly, Emma tenses, hands grasping Regina's thighs tightly and Regina pulls back carefully. "Don't…let me go," Emma pleads before collapsing, unconscious, and Regina fumbles for her phone, calling for help.
"Henry…"
The man's head snaps up and he stares incredulously at Emma, who doesn't seem to have moved or spoke. Henry glances over his shoulder, realizing that Regina hadn't come into the room and there was no one except his mother and himself. Maybe he's just imagining things. After all, what he thought was a voice had woken him from his sleep. "Henry…"the voice murmured again and he knows for sure he didn't imagine it. Emma's fingers twitch as Henry watches, stunned.
The thought of calling for a doctor doesn't cross his mind when he reaches forward and grasps his mother's hand. Her grip is weak, but she tries, and tears suddenly soak Henry's cheeks. "Ma," he croaks, and he swears she's attempting a smile. In that moment, the door opens quietly and he turns to greet his other mother, flashing a watery smile.
Regina's heart clenches in her chest as realization crosses her face, and instantly she's on the other side of Emma, holding her other hand and kissing her fiercely. When she pulls away, Emma chuckles, coughing and wincing at the action, but her smile never disappears. "I missed you too," she whispers hoarsely, her eyes finally opening and meeting Regina's first, then Henry's. "Hey, kid."