Jackson Junior: Ode to Samantha, by DrGemini86 (DrGemini24)
Summary: A widowed and Ascended Daniel muses over his decision to save Sam and where it has led him. Spin off of the older Daniel arc in the Jackson Junior series. Oneshot. SamDaniel. Older Daniel's PoV
Pairing: SamDaniel
Rating: T
Category: Established Relationship
Genres: Angst, Drama, Family, Romance, Sequel, Thoughts, Tragedy
Spoilers: Grace, bits of Atlantis, Jackson Junior series
Series: Preceded by Jackson Junior: The Doctors Dance
A/N:
A
story idea that wouldn't go away... originally was going to be a
missing scene from Last Man (Atlantis) where Sam goes down with her
ship in an alternate timeline, but then thought it would be easier to
fit it into the Jackson Junior series. If you've not read the
series... well... the Daniel here is Ascended and from an alternate
timeline in which Sam died in the Jackson Junior version of Atlantis
season 4. He discovers an Ancient prophecy and he, his children and
SG-1 go back in time to save Sam in order to help fulfil it. Thanks
to WhiteElfElder for pointing out an ambiguity.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0
My Samantha. Only you aren't mine. You belong to him, and he to you, your hearts locked in the most profoundest and beautiful of loves that I have ever experienced in my life. I could show you so much more than he ever could. He may be the leader of the Ancients now; after all those years of pain and frustration when after losing Sha're, we found and then lost Shifu too, as well as how they failed to help us during our fight against the Ori; but he is not half the man that I am.
He hurt you by doubting how you could love him. He was prepared to alter timelines which would have inevitably led to your last two children being unborn. You're right – for someone so allegedly selfless, he is undoubtedly selfish. This is not the man I was at that age. I had my faults, granted, but I would never have done such a thing to you.
Perhaps we are two very different men now, because he never lost you the way I did, and I have been changed by twenty years of being without you. I had all of those years to think about what you meant to me, how much you meant to me, and why, after you, there was no-one else. He didn't have that time, which is good, because no man should have to feel what I did.
I died on my knees in the gateroom when you didn't come back from Atlantis. You had saved every last expedition member, but in the end, there was no-one to save you during the Wraith assault. I hadn't known then that you had been pregnant. It was my fault... all my fault. I pushed you to go to Atlantis. A part of me acknowledged the risks, another part didn't want to think about them. I wish then that I had stayed with you in the City instead of coming back with Jack and SG-1. But I killed you and... It even hurts to think about it, and I have long since cried all the tears that I have.
One of my fondest memories that I will carry and cherish for eternity is of seeing you again. My hair was white, I had wrinkles and I had long since lost the bulk of my muscles, and you kissed me. It still sends shivers up my spine thinking about it, and I'm no longer corporeal. You kissed me and you hugged me, and what followed was such a beautiful time despite the Wraith and the Asuran attacks. You made me feel almost whole again... you gave me love so unselfishly and accepted me, you shared my bed but your Daniel was always on your mind... and I guess both your Daniel and I should be flattered that despite your pain, you stayed true to your husband.
But I was reminded just why I fell in love with you. You have a capacity to love and love endlessly through the pain, which is something that you have sometimes considered a weakness... but I and your Daniel consider it be one of your greatest strengths. It takes a great strength of character, courage and immeasurable compassion to do that... and we both envy that about you.
You once told me that Dad... your Dad, or the hallucination of him that you experienced aboard the Prometheus many years ago, told you that had he met your mother all over again, even knowing her fate, he would still have loved her. I understand that now, even though your fate has long since changed. Because if there is one thing that you have taught me, and taught me so well during our sadly brief time together, both as lovers and when I saw you again, it was that while love is not pain-free, to keep loving despite this is the hardest and yet the most rewarding thing in the entire universe.
I still dream about you, about our time together. I dream about the nights we spent together, and the days we worked together and brought up Cameron and James. Ah, those two, who started it all. Such a wonderful outcome from such a horrific event. I remember each day, or what passes for a day in a plain of existence where time is immaterial, the day that you told me that you loved me when we were carrying our babies. I thought then if it was possible for me to be even happier than I had been during that night, but you gave me so much happiness, so much love, which I will carry with me forever.
There are times when the constant longing for your arms, for your love becomes so unbearable that I visit you. I don't show myself because you're happy now with a man who has hopefully learnt the lessons that both I and his time with the Doctor have taught him. He has a second chance with you to make things right, to be not as hurt as before and to give you the love that you need. I just wish that that could be me. I sometimes stand in a corner and watch you be the most loving mother that my Cameron and James barely remember; or watch you be the big General on base, organising things and occasionally leading off-world operations.
I helped your Daniel to see the truth and the effects of his actions, not for him, but for you. You made me the man that I had been before I had lost you. You gave me strength, love and compassion. You never gave up on me, and you saved my soul so many times over the years that I have known you. You were there for me when I needed you the most, and we could talk to each other about anything whatsoever. I have never had a relationship as comfortable as the one that I had with you... where I shared my soul with you, and you with me. I am so honoured that you could bare your soul to me, because I know how hard it is for you sometimes to do that, but you did... you weren't afraid to.
You showed me how to love again when I stayed with you on Atlantis, and with that same all-encompassing love, you accepted my Cameron and James as your own despite Cameron's reluctance later to accept you as her mother. You were under no obligation but you did so just the same, because that is who you are.
I never had a chance to hold your hand when you were giving birth to Cameron. Your Daniel got the chance when you were giving birth to Claire and Jake, and to Grace. I finally got that honour on Kheb when you were giving birth to Dani, and then I brought her into the world. Despite the fact that you aren't mine any more, I cherish that day. My debt unto you for leaving you on Atlantis has been partially wiped clean because I brought new life into the world. The guilt and pain will always be there though, no matter what.
I watch you, your beauty as radiant as ever. You've always shined like a star to me, my fair Guinevere. Your long fair hair that always reminded me of Celtic gold in the dim light of our bedroom, is touched by a man who doesn't deserve you. I never deserved you either... you were always too good for me, but he has stolen my life, taken you away from me. I saved you so that I wouldn't be alone again for the next twenty years, and in reality, Daniel Jackson will not be a widower for a second time. But I still am.
– Fin
0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Thanks for reading! Reviews are most welcome.