Disclaimer: Do I really need one for this particular vent?
A/N: I've challenged myself to write at least one page of whatever I'm feeling at any given moment at least once a day for a month starting today. Consider it preparation for my new career path – I really have to get the wheels of my creativity following again, and I thought this would be a good exercise. Too often I fall back on writing and lose focus or hit a mental road block and stop. It's annoying.
Eternalism
When we first meet I should've known, I should've known… There was a Silence that burned holes in the mold I had cast for me, no vestige that the way it burned would eventually spark the flame that Made the future unavoidable. But bend I did to the way I thought I should, and in it did the edges of My Heart splinter, cutting and burying the scars of the love I still hold a flame to, too eager in my pride and care to take the step, for there's someone I cannot dream of hurting.
Holding onto this vision of the image, the hope, that I fell so desperately into, to find the love of a searching, it clings still, beckoning on the horizon of thought and consciousness to be rekindled again. Changes that may have happened, for the better or worse of our faults and humanities, fair the trial of time as I fair the time towards the trial for the blunders I have instigated. The Judge, a reflection of a different time and place, stares and condemns with every reference to the name.
Try as I might, the will of fate has tested on me the temptations of those that were once brought against me, of those that tore the roots of my sureties and made casualties of every picture, every line that once brought me joy. It dug deep a canal that could never be satisfied and placed a fragile gatekeeper to bar the flood as the seasons bring waves of debris from the channel that once held all things dear.
Scared to be a soon-to-be, dreading the solid path of polished golden bars lined at my feet, I fall a little deeper into my what-if regrets with every step, moved by a sense of obligation, But weighted by the fact that i'm not ready to get it go. The fear of its discovery unnerves me to sleepless nights and dream-filled days. The fear of the fear of falling lost its hold on me long ago. I'd gladly let it fall to the wind and have it lead me where it does, for wherever I land, I'll take it from there.
The feeling of this longing, Over and over as The pages upon pages of words, Bittersweet memories, and Emotions collide and solidify in the saline I smell on my pillow every morning, the wrenching in the chest and the hollow in my throat as I realize your penetrations seethe and pierce even into my unconsciousness. Here, I cling to them as part of me, part of my talent, as I accept them, wield them, and yield them onto the vast expanse of nothing at me fingertips. Through them I see you.
But greed is my fault, wanting all and nothing at once. i have no reason, no rhyme for wants, but want I do. So I am human. Yet even as I bask in the taste of contentment, in the promise of a future, why do I dream of my freedom, of the past I never afforded myself? To be and act in the freely constrictive manner of my youth and sex and time. Why is it now that I am beckoned?
Be Still do I plead my heart to lie as I do with my contented Love, the thoughts forced to the forefront of the battle lines that line my brow. Taking advantage of the plight that wrecks and rapes my body and mind force me, plead me forward with the strength of a new vision in which this obsession, this transgression's motivation is the medium to which a flame is kindled, the forging of these affections that lay underneath the hidden meaning , between the lines and legs of characters anew.
The closer I look, the more cracks I see, but they aren't what bother me. The gloss that hides those imperfections, those fades, grants the illusions that drive madness in the bloodlines of the sane, that set fire to their foundations and maim the psyches of their patrons. What bothers me is the voice that has found its speech in my mind, ever playing the role of You.