Title: Pardon?
Rating: M
Summary: Crack!fic, very OOC. After a trip to the planet Kragamoff, Ian and Barbara have some very interesting things to say to each other.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. Believe me - this is NOT the sort of writing you'd see in it.
Author's Note: Okay, this originally started out as an idea about sexual innuendu when I heard about Sexual Innuendo Day. Then as time went by, it became less about the innuendo and more about, well, you'll find out...
Pardon?
"Do you, Susan, take this man, Carraborne, to be your lawfully wedded husband?" asked the priest. Susan made a face. They'd only landed on the planet of Kragamoff a few hours ago, and she'd been forced into yet another arranged marriage. She turned to face her husband-to-be. He was purple. And three times the size of her. There was a large vessel of water in front of her, behind which stood the priest. Behind her was her grandfather, Ian and Barbara. She gulped, but before she could say anything, the Doctor spoke up.
"Excuse me, young man," he said. "I don't wish to cause a fuss, but Susan cannot marry this man." The priest raised an eyebrow.
"Oh?" he questioned. "And why is this?"
"Because she is underage and I do not give her permission," said the Doctor. "So if you'll just let her go..."
"There is no minimum age for marriage on this planet," said the priest. "However, we are willing to respect the laws of your planet. I will have to consult with the young woman's fiancé privately to make sure that he is okay with this." The priest beckoned towards Carraborne, and they left the room. Susan breathed a sigh of relief, and the others walked up towards her.
"Well done, Doctor!" exclaimed Ian.
"Yes, thank you Grandfather," said Susan. "I don't think I could stand to live on this planet."
"Mmm – this heat is terrible!" exclaimed Ian, who wiped his sweaty forehead. "Drink of water, Barbara?"
"Yes please," answered Barbara. They walked up to the vessel and, cupping their hands, each took a drink from it. The water was cool and fresh, and contained something neither of them could quite identify. As they stepped back, the priest and Carraborne came back out.
"Well?" said the Doctor.
"I'm afraid Carraborne will not allow this," said the priest. "He believes Susan would make an ideal wife, and as her fiancé he has the right to make her marry him."
"I see," said the Doctor. "Good lord, look at that!" The priest and Carraborne turned to where the Doctor was pointing, leaving him and his companions to run back to the TARDIS.
"So are you any closer to getting us back to Earth, Doctor?" asked Barbara, already knowing what the Doctor's answer was going to be.
"Have patience, my dear," said the Doctor. "There's the whole of time and space out there – you can't expect the TARDIS to land perfectly in one little spot at one particular point in time on your planet."
"Yes," said Ian, rolling his eyes. "Never mind – this just gives me an excuse to spend more time with Barbara, who, by the way, is the sexiest creature in the universe." The Doctor's eyes widened.
"Pardon?" he said. Barbara, an eyebrow raised, looked at Ian.
"I masturbate thinking about you before I go to bed each night," she stated.
"What!" exclaimed the Doctor. Ian took a step towards Barbara and looked into her eyes.
"I want to fuck you like there's no tomorrow," he said.
"I want to feel your cock inside my minge," replied Barbara.
"Grandfather, what does 'fuck' mean?" questioned Susan. The Doctor put his hands over Susan's ears as his companions continued.
"I am horny for you," said Barbara.
"I get hard just thinking about you," said Ian.
"Oh no," realised the Doctor. "The water..." The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. The people of Kragamoff weren't exactly the most attractive species. Drinking from the vessel at the wedding ceremony must make them more willing to ... to do something that he hadn't done in a very long time.
"I want to shag you rotten."
"I want to squeeze your breasts."
"Susan, we're going back to Kragamoff!" announced the Doctor, resetting the coordinates. "There must be an antidote for this."
"What's going on, Grandfather?" asked Susan. "I don't understand what Ian and Barbara are saying. And why are they kissing?" The Doctor turned towards Ian and Barbara, who now had their arms wrapped around each other and were madly French kissing. Ian pulled away, only to say:
"I wonder how that tongue would feel wrapped around my member." The Doctor shook his head as the TARDIS arrived.
"Finally!" he exclaimed. "Susan, come with me. Ian, Barbara, you stay here. We'll be right back, hopefully with something to knock you out of this." He and Susan rushed out the door, with Susan asking some very awkward questions on the way. As the door slammed shut, Ian and Barbara looked at each other, and burst out laughing.
"I thought they'd never leave," remarked Ian.
"I know – how far did we have to go?" said Barbara. "And that's hilarious that the Doctor thought it was the water. I talked to a local beforehand – they just drink it to seal the wedding vows!" They laughed again, before Barbara directed her gaze onto Ian. "So how long do you think we've got before they come back?" Ian grinned and swooped Barbara up in his arms.
"Long enough."
Oo...