i was shaped with snow

by snowyseas

where Hijikata remembers Mitsuba and thinks that maybe, it should've gone a different way. Slight gore. [HijiMitsu] [complete]

Okay, let me be fair. I love this ship to death and it is really painful and I know I write the worst angst because it's like I have no regard for what it does to people. Maybe I'm a sadist, who knows. But I really wanted to write this. It's also good practice for my writing! Also, I came up with this as I was doing English homework, and since there's no morning class tomorrow, I thought, why the hell not. So here is your one-shot of HijiMitsu and I take full responsibility if you cry. Also, this is my first time writing any sort of Gintama fanfic so please be kind as I can tell you that the whole time I was writing this, I was being very careful not to make Hijikata too mushy or Mitsuba too aggressive.

This is also a present to my lovely friend Hilary, whose url is lusheeheartfilia on tumblr! Sorry this is late. I didn't think it'd be this late for your birthday.

EDIT: this actually took about 3 weeks to write. I'm so pooped. I realize I didn't actually write her death in this, but that's because I couldn't bring myself to. I saw the episodes like three months ago and I am still not ready to put it into words. It destroyed me. So instead, I just skipped ahead. ^^ Please don't kill me.

EDIT #2: This took longer than three weeks. I've been procrastinating a lot and dealing with the end of Naruto. I will be writing an alternate ending for that, I think. It is very much needed. I hope that this is okay because, I think that for me, a Gintama fanfic is hard to write in general. I'm proud of myself because this is also the first time I've written so much for a one-shot! Please review, I am always looking to improve!

´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

AUTUMN

I didn't fight them to show that I was better. I didn't bang their skulls together because I wanted to create enemies. Just because I had a cold glare, people talked about me, and called me a demon. They called me heartless, merciless, and in a way, that made me some sort of god. I didn't do any of it for recognition. They challenged me with their ugly smiles, with their bloodthirsty eyes. There were more than ten of them, and I was all alone. They called this 'survival of the fittest,' and I supposed the term fit. In mere seconds, they were all sprawled before me, groaning about the pain in their heads and in their limbs, rubbing at their wounds incessantly. From then on, whenever they saw me, they would always try to strike me down. They found my weak spots and kept hitting them, kept trying to knock me down, but with each strike, I understood my resolve better.

I simply did it to survive.

Before long, Kondo Isao noticed me. He told me to stop fighting, to stop being violent - but the idiot that he was, he didn't understand anything. Whether that was a good or bad thing, I never found out. Nonetheless, I didn't say anything to him when he wanted to take me in, when he wanted to provide a home for me. I supposed it would be a little insulting to people with big egos like mine, but more than anything, I was surprised that there was still someone who treated me like I was a person. He had the dumbest grin on his face and it just wouldn't disappear. I couldn't take him seriously.

That, of course, was until I saw him training this kid.

He was young and so clearly a prodigy. Kondo was patient with him, teaching him how to swing his wooden sword properly. He always ruffled his sandy hair kindly, telling him he needed to keep practising so he could be a well-trained samurai. Every single one of us was there for that purpose: to be a good samurai. The other men around me had a determination in their eyes that I hadn't seen before, and reminding myself what I was doing there, I began to swing my sword.

I told Kondo that I was going to leave. I told him thank you. I told him that this wasn't the kind of place for me. Despite listening intently and nodding even after I finished speaking, Kondo told me he'd like me to stay. For whatever reason he had, he stuck by it and refused to be swayed. He wanted to raise as many good samurai as possible, so that we could fight the Amanto that invaded and conquered our land. I wanted to refuse him, to tell him that I didn't do well with other people. His smile faded in that moment, and for just a split second, I saw the shadow of a man who genuinely had an ambition, who had a dream that needed to be achieved.

"You're young and you're strong. You may be hard-headed, but I'd feel much better if you stayed here."

"I cause trouble."

"So does everyone else. But you need a home, and that place is here."

I stared at him in an attempt to show him that I wasn't willing to listen to him, but until that day, I had no idea that there was someone else who was more obstinate than me, who hated being told what to do more than I did. He towered over me, and it was a natural indication that it was somewhat of a threat - saying that if I left, he'd do something about it. And that something was what I should fear, should I ever dare to go against his wishes. It was a strange thought, but I supposed I owed the man my life. I blew a puff of air into his face, and the contours of his face visibly relaxed. He slapped me on the back and returned to his goofy grin and much-too-loud laugh.

When I turned around, the kid with the sand-colored hair was glaring at me, the maroon of his eyes seemingly more fierce than one would've assumed, especially 'cause he was just a kid. He looked fierce and his mouth was set in a hard line - was he threatening me without saying anything? I stared back, passively, not really wanting to pick a fight with a kid. He drew his wooden sword and took one small step forward, as though preparing himself, as though trying to establish a proper trajectory that would hit me right in the head.

"Oi. What do you think you're doing?" I asked, careful not to raise my voice.

His eyebrows raised slightly, indicating that he was surprised I spoke - as though it was an alien idea that I was able to communicate verbally at all. He straightened his back and took one more step forward, but this time, he scrunched his brow together - as though that would help to establish some sort of dominance, as though it was meant to threaten me. How cute.

"Ever since you came here, all Kondo's ever been doing is paying attention to you."

He had a small voice, unsurprisingly. But it was filled with incentive. Ambition. I guess that was how Kondo affected people, after all - by planting the seed of his ambition into their brains. This kid was young and impressionable, but frankly, it was more than a little annoying that he seemed to be such a snob.

"You can train by yourself," I said, finally.

"I want him to watch me."

"He is."

"No. When he trains me, he always glances at you. It makes me sick."

I didn't even blink when he spat out the words.

"Get out of here!"

At that point, my patience had run out, and I grabbed the kid by the front of his kimono, pitting up his face right before mine. I scrunched my brow together and glared at him, to which he did the same thing. He started hitting my head with his fist, banging it down on the crown of my head and giving me a slight headache. I pulled his hair - not too hard - just enough that he'd grit his teeth in an attempt to not scream.

He really was frustrating.

He hit harder than you would expect a normal kid to, and he was determined to do some damage. It wasn't that I let him do it, but it was that he was just a kid. Sometimes kids did stupid shit, like this. As his chubby little hand was about to come in contact with my nose, Kondo came in between, his deep laugh booming in our ears. As though brawls like this were nothing. I supposed they were nothing, for someone as large as fucking Kondo.

"Sougo, you know that's not right."

"He's annoying," the kid named Sougo answered, rolling his eyes.

"Me? Annoying? I'll teach you the meaning of annoying you little sh -"

"Now, now, Toushi. You two should learn to behave. We're all here for the same reason, after all."

I huffed out a breath of air and turned around, feeling more than mere annoyance at the kid. So his name is Sougo, I thought. Pretty manly name for someone so small. Perhaps his parents had too much hope for him. I knew that I was being immature at the time, but my perception of Sougo changed the day I met the person who actually did raise him.

Maybe he'd grow up to be a good samurai and man, after all.

¶

Mitsuba was quite possibly the kindest woman I had ever met. That fact surprised me, because to be frank, I was expecting her to hold a knife to my throat and slit it. I wasn't accustomed to anyone being kind. She visited Sougo at the dojo often, and when she did, she brought extra lunch for the rest of us, telling us that we needed nutrients to grow into good samurai. She sounded like a doting mother.

Sougo clung to her and he looked like a real kid whenever he saw her. She always held him and kissed his face, telling him that he has to be a good kid in order to be a good samurai. I always watched from afar, and it puzzled me. How could people who had lost so much still be so kind? Kondo had told me once, that she was simply that type of person - she had no choice but to keep on going. That was her duty as Sougo's sister, as his caretaker.

It didn't make perfect sense, but it worked, for them.

I was just about to leave the dojo to go home and rest when she spoke her first direct words to me. Before this, she had addressed me collectively, as part of the gang. She never acknowledged me as a person. It had surprised me, mainly because I didn't see her standing near the gate, but it was also because I was focused on wanting to hit the sack. It had been a long day, and Kondo was merciless with all of us, having us repeat drills and working our arms until we couldn't feel them anymore. She did not move an inch when she called my name - my first name - in such a soft voice.

"Oh. I didn't see you, sorry," I said calmly, though my heart was jumping.

"Sorry. I should've made a noise."

I nodded, though that was stupid, since she couldn't see me.

"I noticed that you're not eating a lot."

"What?"

"Whenever I bring everyone lunch… there's always leftovers from you."

I didn't know she noticed a detail so minute it was almost insignificant. The reason I never finished my food was because she never put mayonnaise in it, and as delicious as her cooking was, I could never bring myself to eat a meal that didn't have mayonnaise in it. It was ridiculous, but it was my idea of good food. I didn't let her know, though.

"I just don't eat a lot," I said.

"That's no good! You're still growing, you know!"

Her slippers clacked against the gravel as she took small steps. The moon shone down on her face and created a kind of glint in her eyes, which were deep set and kinder than Sougo's. Her brow was scrunched, but not out of anger. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and she stood before me, genuinely worried. I couldn't take my eyes away from her face - she seemed so determined, and maybe it was the kind of determination that was different from Sougo's, but it was still there.

"I'm sorry," I tried.

"You have to eat!"

"Yeah, okay."

"I mean it, Toshiro-kun!"

No one had called me that in years. I looked down at my feet and nodded. I wasn't sure what else she wanted me to do. It was natural for her to care, of course, but at this point in time, it was a little late to try and get me to eat more. Then, what was her purpose of waiting for me until this time of night? I heard her sigh and when I glanced, she was rummaging through a bag I hadn't noticed she was carrying, and pulled out a rice ball. It was small and it fit perfectly in her palm. I cleared my throat, not sure if this was a joke.

"It's not much, but I don't feel good knowing you don't eat enough. "

She took one step closer to me and extended her hand, the moon revealing all the lines and creases in her face. Every time I saw her, I was always a little surprised. I wasn't sure why, but it made my heart skip a beat at unpredictable times. Perhaps it was because I once saw how she scolded Kondo. She wasn't a woman to be messed with, regardless of her kind nature. I hesitated at first, not used to the gesture.

"You really like taking care of people, " I said as I unwrapped the rice ball.

She laughed.

"I've been doing it for quite a while. "

"You should be selfish every now and then. "

She hummed, as though giving it actual consideration.

"I wish I could."

"Why can't you?"

"Sougo is my brother. And he's still growing. He needs me," she smiled, though there was unexpressed pain written in the way her smile was strained.

She was a teenage girl who had no parents to help her, after all. She had no idea if she was raising him right. She had no idea if he would follow her example. It was clear that she didn't want to do things for herself because she wanted to shower Sougo with understanding and affection, but most importantly, love. She didn't want him to end up putting the most important people second. After everything was said and done, Mitsuba wanted Sougo to be able to choose his most important people and to protect them with his life just like she was doing for him.

"I think you're brave," I whispered.

"I am?"

"Yeah. There's only so many people who would be this strong. Most people just bail."

I didn't mention that my mother abandoned me after my father was killed. It was a Pandora's box, and I kept it stored in the back of my mind. It merely served as a reminder of where I came from, but I wouldn't let that decide what kind of person I was going to be. I offered a smile, and by that, I mean I attempted to pull up the corners of my lips, though I knew it looked strained. She laughed.

She extended her arm towards my head and I froze. Her fingers brushed against my hair and she lightly ruffled it. My eyes widened and when she looked at me properly, her face went red.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm just so used to doing that to Sougo I forgot I don't do it to other people!"

"Ah, that's okay."

"You can do it to me too, to make it even!"

"What? No, really, it's okay!

"Are you sure?" she asked, her large eyes piercing into mine.

"Yeah, I'm really sure! It's okay!"

She sighed after that and clutched her chest, as though trying to catch her breath. She panted and began to cough - the dry, coarse type - and her hand latched onto my shoulder. I began to panic. For one thing, it was cold at night, and for another, she wasn't wearing a jacket. I wasn't sure if she was actually reckless or if she was just forgetful.

"Here, sit here," I said as I pulled her towards the sitting platform of the dojo.

I sat beside her, rubbing her back gently as her coughing fit slowly came to a halt. She was frail, and not in the way that you were to afraid to touch her, but rather, the opposite. I wanted nothing more than to put her to bed and make sure she got plenty of rest. Her breathing started to become less labored and she sat up straighter, aiming her eyes towards the sky. She looked beautiful like this, and strangely enough, it made me feel peaceful, despite the uneasiness I felt from her health.

"You should've come here with something to keep you warm, idiot."

Her laugh ripped through her once more, and this time, it sounded like wind chimes - trill and soft, not painful to hear at all. It was airy, and in some ways, it would've annoyed me because it sounded so fake. But I found that I didn't dislike it at all. I stared in wonderment as she stared up at the sky again, her face softening. I could've watched her forever, had there been a forever for us.

"Toshiro-kun," she whispered, "do you like fighting?"

"Huh? Well, no."

"But you want to be a samurai, right?"

"I guess. Yeah."

"Don't you have to like fighting to want to be a samurai?"

I would've been angry if I knew that she was trying to make a jab at me and essentially the whole group of people who trained hard to fight for Edo. I watched her face though, and what I found was not sarcasm, but sadness. It was an expression that didn't suit her round eyes. It made her look tired and defeated. I didn't like the way it caused her to look older than her years.

"No. You have to dislike the world enough to want to fight for its safety."

"So war is the only way?"

I frowned.

"It's not the only way, but it is the only way to make them understand that this is ours, not theirs."

She didn't respond. Her breathing was soft and her eyes were glassy as she stared at me. I felt as though I was unintentionally touching upon ground that was better left untouched. I tried to turn away, but the intensity of her gaze - no matter how soft - kept me anchored to where I was. I felt my body visibly soften when she smiled again. Though, there were tears in her eyes as she did so.

"I just want to see you all grow into wonderful men."

When she wiped her eyes, I came to the realization that she might not live long enough to see us win.

¶

WINTER

I was told it was tuberculosis.

The harsh winds made it worse for her, and it was difficult for her to leave her bed, much less leave the house. Sougo was significantly nicer to me and even attempted to make amends with me. He was a kid, so of course, I wouldn't continue to be rude to him. He'd make jabs at me occasionally, but they leaked heavily with his desire to get his mind off his sister. I felt bad for him, I really did. It wasn't easy having to deal with someone you love being sick.

I saw her sometimes, sitting next to her futon, drinking hot tea. Her expression was always complacent, as though she had no thoughts and no reaction to her condition. I wasn't sure whether she wanted someone to comfort her. I wasn't sure whether she was suffering emotionally anymore. I passed by their house every single day, always avoiding contact with her. I wasn't sure why, but it made sense to do so. Perhaps, it was so that I wouldn't get close to her.

Whatever the reason was, Kondo wasn't having it with any of us.

"She is an important woman in our lives, the least you could do is visit her!"

"But, Kondo-san, we're not sure how to talk to her."

"So learn! Just make her smile, make her forget that she's unhealthy!"

He had a point and we all knew he did. Mitsuba didn't stop by with homemade lunches anymore, but instead, Sougo takes them with him every morning. He never smiled when he handed out the lunches, and maybe because he already had to deal with his sister - the only person he loved - being sick, and the fact that she still wanted the rest of us to eat properly was slowly getting to him. I understood, though. It was probably frustrating, to have to watch her bend over a kitchen counter because her back hurt, because she couldn't stand - but because she had to finish making the meals.

I felt disgusted with myself as I stared at the food before me.

How could I eat food that an unhealthy woman worked so hard to make, and not give back anything in return? I poked the food with my chopsticks as the other guys around me wolfed down their food, happy to be replenishing their energy. Even Kondo seemed to be enjoying himself as he listened to joke after joke, the corners of his eyes pooling with tears, his free hand slapping the table in amusement. It suited him, I supposed. He had the kind of face that didn't fit frowns and solemn expressions.

I stood up and was grateful no one stopped me from leaving the table. I didn't feel like arguing.

When I stepped into the garden, the skies were white and the ground was covered in snow. I stared at the spot in the garden where a cherry blossom tree would bloom in the spring. I always used to wonder why we only had one cherry blossom tree, but no one else ever questioned it. Perhaps it was just a coincidence that our dojo was here, and that we only had one tree. I stared at the branches, already imagining the spring when the flowers would bloom and the roaring winds would stop.

"Hijikata."

I didn't have to turn around to see who it was.

"What is it, Sougo? I don't feel like sparring."

"You're a dick and I don't like you."

I didn't answer, but it was mainly because I knew he had this opinion of me.

"Stay away from my sister."

It was only then that I turned around to face him, expecting to see his usual passive expression. What I found instead was badly masked sadness, and even as he tried his best to harden his jaw, he still wavered. He still trembled. Sougo wasn't the type of person that was meant to have these sorts of expressions - they didn't suit him. He was supposed to always appear cold and sadistic. I cocked an eyebrow and he huffed.

"You're not good for her."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Whenever she sees you or talks to you, she asks me about you. It's so goddamn annoying."

I blinked.

"Do I bother her?"

"What does that matter?" he answered, narrowing his eyes.

"If I bother her, I'll stay away. But if I don't, then what's the point?"

His eyes hardened and suddenly, all traces of his humanity was gone. They were hollow and if I was anyone else, I would've picked a fight. He's given me this look. The hardened jaw, the straightened back, the clenched and unclenched hands - it really made him look older than his years. I wanted to smirk. You see, Mitsuba? You're doing just fine.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I despise you, Hijikata."

"I've noticed."

"Then act like it."

"This doesn't have anything to do with Mitsuba anymore."

"It has everything to do with her. Stay away from her, or I'll kill you."

He glared at me and I felt the blood inside my veins boil. I knew how much trouble we'd both get into, though, if one of us started the fight. Biting back my anger, I stepped inside the dojo once again. Everyone was still sitting around the table and eating, enjoying their conversations and drinks - burning off steam, as Kondo sometimes called it. It didn't feel like a dojo most of the time, but maybe I was being too serious. Maybe there was an important aspect of being with these people that I wasn't understanding. I started to walk towards the entrance when Kondo called out to me, his voice louder than ever.

"Toshi, where are you going? Come and drink with us!"

"It's the middle of the day."

"It's also okay to slack off just a little! Especially for comrades!"

"I have to go home for a bit."

Kondo's eyes widened.

"What for?"

"Forgot something."

He kept his eyes fixed on me, and suddenly, I was questioning whether he really had been drinking. I waited patiently for him to say something, though I was getting a little annoyed. He scratched his chin a few times before he finally sighed and nodded.

"Be sure to thank her for all of us," Kondo said, without so much as glancing over his shoulder.

¶

I wasn't lying to Kondo when I said I'd forgotten something at home. What I didn't tell him was that it was for Mitsuba.

Before winter started, the lady that sold vegetables near the dojo always gave me herbs to drink with my tea. She said that I was too unhealthy and that I needed to stay strong if I was going to be a good samurai. I always nodded and accepted the woman's gift, but she gave them so frequently that I had a full cabinet of just herbs. I drank it with my tea sometimes, at night, but only when the days felt particularly long. A lot of them were minty and were said to be good for the lungs and your circulation, so when I came through my front door, I quickly grabbed containers of minty herbs and stuffed them into a cotton bag.

The problem now, was how I would give them to her without her knowing they were from me.

I mulled over it for a few nights, not sure that it was entirely possible that she wouldn't know it's from me. Surely enough, Kondo paid her visits from time to time, but if he brought gifts, she'd know if it was from him. He wouldn't anonymously send them to her - that wasn't how he did things. Any of the other guys would do the same, too, since Kondo said it was the best way to give a gift to someone - face to face. Eventually, I decided to do just that. I wasn't sure about Sougo, but I sure as hell knew that he wouldn't have to hide from his own sister.

My jaw tightened when I remembered Sougo's enraged demeanor.

I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I supposed that if it was my sister, I'd react the same way.

No one ever described me as kind - it was a word they would never think to use. I was perfectly fine with it not being used, too. It didn't seem to fit my personality, because whenever people thought of someone kind, they thought of someone who wasn't a coward. Someone who was willing to take on anything, as long as they got to protect what they loved.

Kind was a word used to describe Mitsuba.

Yet, the very first time I stopped by to see her, she called me kind for thinking of her, for worrying about her. I mumbled a 'yeah,' and she smiled. I sat with her and we watched the thin branches sway as the wind softly howled through the garden. She took a few deep breaths, and because I was constantly reminded of her condition, I glanced over at her to make sure she was content. It always caught me off guard when she was - she was always smiling softly and her eyes weren't as on guard as they normally were.

Mitsuba was normally open, but when we sat together like this in silence, I could see all that she was made of.

"I didn't expect you to bring so much for me, Toshiro-kun. Thank you," she said, her voice quiet.

I nodded, my throat wavering. I didn't trust the words that wanted to come out of my mouth, even though all I wanted to say was 'it's no problem.'

Seeing her during the winter became such a routine, that the whole dojo could no longer accuse me of 'skipping.' Kondo slapped me on the back and told me I was setting a great example for the other men - that even though we're samurai, it did not mean that we had to lack humane things such as kindness and understanding. They all came to me whenever they were struggling with the grip on their katanas, and without so much as a single thought, I told them that all they needed to do was to breathe and let the weight of the katana surge through them.

Sougo laughed at me the first time I told him that, but just a few days later, I saw that he took my advice.

Sougo and I never spoke of Mitsuba, and if we did, it was because Kondo was asking how she was doing. Sougo, the little shit, would always briefly glance at me before telling Kondo she was doing fine. He didn't have mal intent in his eyes, but I knew he was annoyed with me. Whenever Kondo asked me to help train him, he would always hit me harder with his wooden katana than he would hit other people - especially Kondo. I took each hit as though it was nothing, as though it was merely a spar between two men who wanted to become samurai, although I knew.

There was so much more to it than just wanting to become a samurai.

Sougo wanted to protect his sick sister from anything that could harm her, and to him, I was a threat. I could destroy her, and I could make her even worse if I did something wrong. He wanted to keep an eye on me so that I wouldn't hurt her, but the thing that kids like Sougo didn't understand was that when you were in love with someone, you'd do absolutely anything to keep them safe.

Sougo wasn't the only one who loved Mitsuba.

The whole dojo did, but me?

On the final days of winter, Mitsuba's lungs were making it difficult for her to even cough. She always winced and would try to laugh it off, even though just being outside was too much for her, the idiot. Whenever I visited her, I made sure she stayed in her room, laying down on her futon. I pulled the blanket up to her neck, wrapping it around her whole body so that she couldn't get hurt, so that her lungs wouldn't hurt. I crushed the herbs I brought for her and poured hot water into the ceramic pot they owned. I helped her sit up and made sure she drank slowly - just enough so that her insides weren't frigid and broken.

Sougo stopped complaining, though he did continue to constantly make jabs at me. They weren't as threatening as before, but I knew how much he didn't like me being around. When he saw me in his own home, he would just glare at me, kiss his sister on the cheek then retreat into his room.

In the beginning, I was afraid to visit her when Sougo was home. It was uncharacteristic of me, but a little after the whole dojo knew I was bringing herbs to her, Kondo asked me to either put my heart into it, or to leave it. I mulled over his words even as I brought her the herbs, and in the end, I decided that my heart was already invested in this, in her - in taking care of her.

She had laughed when I told her Kondo wasn't doing a good job of being a leader, though we both knew I didn't mean it. With cold fingers and a smiling mouth, she sipped the tea I made for her, claiming it to be the best batch of tea I'd made for her so far. I set aside the pot and helped her get settled into her futon. Her eyes watched me and would soften every now and then. She smiled when I checked her forehead for a fever, and she let her cheek lean against my hand as I stroked her face.

That was when I knew.

That was when I locked away what little of a heart I had left.

¶

SPRING

The winds whispered against thin branches outside as I wielded my wooden katana in concentration. The dojo was quiet, and it was almost dark. Winter was coming to an end, and it felt as though so many things didn't have to be thought about anymore. I sucked in a breath through my nose and exhaled through my mouth, controlling the force. My mind cleared.

Mitsuba wasn't getting better, but she still smiled everyday as though there was nothing wrong.

I tried not to think about her too much, and I tried to focus on what I needed to do. I wanted to be a samurai, I needed to protect whatever it was that we had left. I needed to make sure that Kondo didn't make stupid decisions - I had to back him up. I was beginning to get a reputation as a demon, and I was fine with that. Most of the dojo was improving their skills as a samurai, swinging and wielding their katanas, perfectly ready, and perfectly capable of destroying whoever got in their way.

I was more than a little proud of them.

I still saw her everyday. She always kept some form of warm clothing near her, to keep her warm in case she started having a coughing fit. Winter was over for the most part, but it still made my heart feel slightly more at ease. It wasn't easier to sleep at night, but at least I knew she was okay.

I only had a time frame of two weeks to show her the most beautiful sight. If I missed it, she might not ever get to see it.

"Toshi," Kondo called, the day the cherry blossoms had just started to bloom.

"What do you want?"

"You have something on your mind, don't you."

I ignored him and continued focusing on my grip.

"Why don't you tell me?"

"It's none of your business."

"It is when your grip is too tight."

I didn't even flinch at his words. I was aware it was a little too tight - my hands were slowly starting to get blisters and they felt sore. I stood up straight but I didn't turn to look at Kondo. He could read my face well, anyway. He didn't need to know what I wanted to say. I supposed that was what made him the leader - you didn't have to tell him anything, because he was so goddamn perceptive of everything. It used to get on my nerves, but ever since I started bringing herbs to Mitsuba, he had been giving more advice on how to be a good man, as opposed to always making stupid jokes.

He was becoming just a little bit more bearable.

"You should take her there."

"What?"

"The river."

I merely side-glanced at him but the lines of his face were deep set. His laughter lines, the crinkles in his eyes, the lines on his forehead - all of them suddenly seemed less pronounced. Completely serious. Maybe a little too perceptive for his own good, after all.

"It's too much," I said.

"What is?"

"Taking her there."

He smiled.

"You're really dense, huh, Toshi."

I blinked, finally turning to look at him fully.

"You don't even see the way she looks at you."

"The way she looks at me?"

He nodded and crossed his arms, the crinkles at the corner of his eyes coming together, as he revealed a huge smile - one that he only used when he felt as though he was being a good leader, a good brother, a good samurai. Though, this had nothing to do with any of those things. He ran his fingers through his short hair and nodded, his expression calm.

"Why don't you just admit it? It'd make her happy, I'm sure."

I would be lying if I said I hadn't considered it, that I was too busy with training, because every single person knew that no, I was indeed occupied with her during the winter. There were countless nights I dreamt of her face and her soft, lean fingers. I yearned to touch her lips, with my fingers, my own mouth, my tongue. I wanted all of her, I wanted to bring out the smile that she reserved only for me - one that I could only hope no one else could see. My shoulders slumped.

"Because I'm a samurai."

Kondo's smile fell just slightly, and his eyes became hollow before they hardened with understanding. I had never seen him wear such an expression of remorse. I looked away, not wanting to see the eyes of a person he knew so well - not like this, not when we both knew how difficult it was.

"Toshi, you know, samurais always do their best to be human."

"The whole purpose of a samurai is to protect."

"Not at the expense of his feelings."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

He sighed, a sound that was harsh coming from his mouth.

"If you love her, tell her."

I fell asleep that night with a full and warm heart.

¶

We sat in the garden of the dojo and quietly spoke. She was feeling well enough to make lunch for everyone again, and though I grunted when she told me she had made me food, I was secretly relieved she didn't have to stay so confined in her room anymore. Sougo took extra care of her when I stopped coming by so often, and I had no doubt that he was better at it than I was. He had been doing it longer, after all. He began speaking to me more regularly, and with less mal intent. He was still a sarcastic kid, but he was turning out to be decent.

The color had returned to her face and I couldn't help but watch it spread across her cheeks every time she laughed or smiled. Because she was coming more often to the dojo, she didn't seem so lonely anymore. Kondo always made her laugh, and Sougo always gave her hugs when she came through the door. The other guys patted her head and asked her to stay 'just a little longer,' and she always agreed, before looking at me and smiling ever so softly.

It made me jittery.

"Thank you for taking care of Sougo," she said.

"You should be saying that to Kondo."

"I wanted to tell you first."

I didn't answer.

"He doesn't show it, but, he wants to be more like you."

I raised my eyebrow and she chuckled.

"The kid hates me."

"No, he really doesn't! He's just… like that."

I snorted.

"That's comforting."

She laughed then and leaned against the back of the bench we sat on. Her breathing was even and though we were quiet, so many things were being said. I knew she was glancing at me, but I pretended I didn't notice. The cherry blossom tree before us seemed much bigger, and so much more beautiful than it did during the winter. She sighed.

"Have you ever seen them fall from the branches?" I asked.

"No. There aren't many cherry blossom trees here, after all," she whispered.

"Make sure you wear your spring yukata in two days."

"Huh? Why?"

I smirked and shook my head, telling her she should just make sure she wears it. She sighed but nodded and smiled. With every breath she took, I could tell she was wondering about what was going on in two days, and even though I was afraid it wouldn't be what she expected, I told myself to go for it anyway. To follow Kondo's advice - to let her know.

Sougo had opened their front door and grunted when he saw me two days later, rolling his eyes as he called for Mitsuba. I kept my expression stone cold as Sougo curled his lip at me in disgust, but when Mitsuba came to the door, with her sandy hair in a bun and her twinkling eyes, I couldn't help but feel nervous. She stepped out to put her sandals on, holding onto my shoulder to balance herself. I felt as though I was holding a breath.

"You ready?" I said.

"Whenever you are."

We walked until we got to the dojo, and I saw that there were still people working hard. Kondo was there, directing them, and I caught his eye. He smiled discreetly before turning his attention back to the men before him, and I had never felt more grateful. I glanced to the side and felt my face burn when I found that she was eyeing me. I don't know at what point that a mere look from her made me nervous, but it was oddly unsettling.

She laced her cool fingers in mine, and tightened her grip until I had to look at her.

"Breathe, Toshiro-kun," she smiled.

I took her advice as we walked towards the bridge, about one kilometer away from the dojo. I didn't want anyone seeing us there together, though they probably already secretly knew. Kondo couldn't fucking keep his mouth shut, after all. When I turned to look at Mitsuba's face, it was so filled with a brightness that I had never seen her wear before. It suited her well.

We were standing at the top of the bridge, looking down into the water. She smiled at her reflection before she turned to look at me, her eyes filled with a sparkle that looked similar to adoration. I felt my breath get stuck in my throat.

"What's going on today, Toshiro-kun?"

My hands were shaking but I lifted them to her face, rubbing the apples of her cheeks with my thumbs. She hummed and leaned into my palms, her expression content. I wanted to move closer, to press my mouth against hers, to feel her airy breaths against my lips, but my body wouldn't move. With one hand, I pushed back a strand of hair behind her ear, and told her to look at the river.

She was confused at first but when she finally looked, her eyes filled with tears.

The cherry blossom petals were dancing in the wind before they fell on top of the river, coloring the transparency with pink and white. She pulled herself from me and looked over the bridge, watching the flowers flow down the river in awe. I couldn't help but feel smug, and I smiled when she gasped every now and then. She let out a giggle, then a laugh, and the smile on her face just grew wider the more she stared at the trees, then the river.

"Toshiro-kun, this is beautiful!"

I knew you'd like it.

She turned to look at me, the smile still on her face. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed herself against me, holding me in a tight embrace. Her fingers played with my hair as she sighed, and for the third time that day, I felt my face turn hot. She pulled back and rested her forehead against mine, her eyes still sparkling, her smile still content.

She was so beautiful.

"Thank you."

Even through what people liked to call my mask of indifference, I smiled back at her, pulling her closer.

¶

SUMMER

On the third week of summer, the Bakufu issued an official statement calling all men to the frontlines. Kondo didn't smile, didn't laugh. He was constantly preparing us, and though he tried pulling his lips up into a smile, we all saw the fear in his eyes. In the way his forehead scrunched up. It was unsettling. We all solemnly prepared for battle, tightening our yukatas, hardening our jaws as we reminded ourselves that this was it.

This was where we proved ourselves men.

Each day, our heads were so fogged with the possibility of losing all that we'd worked hard for. It was fear, it was anger, but most of all, it was the need to keep what was closest to our hearts. In this case, it was Edo. Our home. We needed to protect it - we wanted to protect it.

The training was not any less harsh. Kondo wasn't kind, but we could all tell how much he really wanted to be. He acknowledged each and every one of us as a person, and not as a soldier. He reminded us that we worked hard, and that there was nothing to be ashamed of. There was no need for shame because of a lack of strength, or because of the nerve-numbing fear. He told us he was scared, too, but no one believed him.

No one but me.

Blisters were beginning to form on all of our hands, and when Kondo saw this, he demanded we soak our hands in warm water to sooth the pressure. No one complained, no one tried to fight back. They all understood - we all understood that this war, any war, would put our lives at stake. It was only a matter of time before our survival skills were put to the test. What better way to test them than now, when we were to fight against outsiders that were greedy for land?

Mitsuba's coughs were dry again, and every time I passed by their home, there was always a doctor with her, giving her new medicinal herbs. She never complained, and merely drank them down with tea. She always winced though, and the light in her eyes was beginning to disappear. I watched with anger, but it was mostly because the seasons had been unkind to her. I hadn't know her as long as Kondo had, and Sougo, too, of course. I couldn't imagine the anger they felt each year.

Nonetheless, when the doctor didn't visit her, Mitsuba made us lunch.

I was beginning to feel annoyed that she was as stubborn as this, still wanting to support us from the shadows. She still smiled as she normally did, and for just a few seconds, it seemed as though she had come to terms with her life. As though she was content with what had been handed to her. It was certainly admirable, and it made my heart thump at the idea that she was stronger than most people, in her spirits.

She knew she was dying.

She knew.

We all knew.

No one ever addressed it. Not even her.

I began training on my own, away from everyone at the dojo. The atmosphere there was one that was frantic, and it was something that I couldn't deal with. I didn't understand what it was to be worried, especially when it came to fighting in battle. I worked on making my core stronger, worked on making it easier for me to run, if there was ever a time I needed to. I drank more water than I was used to, and I sweat an appropriate amount. I was doing fine. I was doing more than fine.

When I passed by the Okita manor from time to time, I saw Mitsuba sitting in the garden alone. She would always be holding a book, and she would either be writing on it, or reading it. She didn't look lonely - she didn't even look like she was suffering. She sometimes moved to push back her hair from her face, and sometimes she crossed and uncrossed her legs, in order to feel more comfortable.

When I watched her like this, it made me want to hold her.

I didn't allow myself those thoughts. I didn't allow myself to imagine a future where she might be present, by my side. The reality was that, even if I loved her as much as I did, I had no right to. I didn't have anything to offer her. She deserved much better, and even though I told myself this, I still watched her from afar, just to make sure she was still there.

The world was cruel.

On a particularly hot day, I almost jumped out of my own skin when I saw that she had entered my house and was standing in the middle of my garden. I stared at her, my breaths short and my face wet from sweat. She smiled at me, and it was a different kind of smile. It wasn't the one I was used to. It was softer.

"How's training going?"

"Fine, as you can see."

"Are you eating enough?"

I didn't answer.

"Toshiro-kun…"

"I'm fine."

She didn't answer except with a sigh, before sitting down behind me. She watched my face and I felt my heart slowly crumble. I sighed and moved to sit with her, though keeping a safe distance between us. I was hyper-aware of every breath she took, every tiny movement she made with her feet, with her hands. She moved with such an easy grace, even when she was barely moving at all. I wanted to look at her, but I was afraid.

I wasn't sure of what.

My resolve, perhaps.

"Kondo-san said you're heading out soon."

I nodded.

"The war is starting. We have to be there."

I could feel her eyes on me. I knew that she was worried about all of us, but there was something about the way she always watched me that made me feel uneasy. Perhaps because, deep down, I knew what she was thinking. I knew, because I had those same thoughts. She twiddled her thumbs - something I knew she only did when she was wary. I didn't say a word.

I didn't want to.

"Toshiro-kun,"

"What?"

"Please… just, be safe out there."

"We will."

"And you, too."

I know.

"I will."

She paused for a few more seconds, playing with the hem of her yukata. It was a lovely color on her. Despite the fact that she was pale, the bright colors suited her. Made her seem more radiant. My heart was thundering in my chest, though it wasn't for the reason I would have liked to think.

"You're not allowed to die, okay?" she whispered.

Neither are you.

"Okay. I won't."

"Toshiro-kun, you know… I lo -"

"You should go. It's getting late."

Her eyes widened when I turned to look at her, but then she nodded and started to stand up. If I had a bigger heart, I was sure that she would be able to hear it cracking and falling into the pits of my stomach. The most important thing was that she stayed as far away from me as possible. I couldn't do this to her. I couldn't make her wait for me.

Not when she hadn't ever had the chance to have a normal life.

"When are you leaving?"

"In three days."

"I'll be there to see you off."

She smiled, and it was as brilliant as it always had been. My heart wrenched in my chest and I nodded, walking her back. We didn't say much to each other, and she didn't try to tell me what she meant to tell me earlier. I didn't prompt her, either. I was only hoping, praying, that she understood. It wasn't that I didn't love her, because of course I did. I loved her more than she could understand, and I wanted to be able to make her happy. I was a realistic man, though. I knew I would never be able to.

She deserved better.

¶

AUTUMN, TWENTY YEARS LATER

Ten years had passed.

I kept track.

I marked the day of her death in my head, the day I was repeatedly stabbed in the heart as a reminder of how much I couldn't take care of her - how much I couldn't give her a normal life, even by letting her go. I killed the man she was supposed to marry, and not just because he was a man the Shinsengumi had been hunting and meant to sentence to prison - but because he couldn't do a single fucking thing for the woman that I loved.

The woman he never loved.

I didn't shed a tear that day. I didn't sob - I locked it all away in a place that I promised myself I wouldn't open again. I continued to go about my life, and Sougo and Kondo didn't change. They became my closest comrades - those I considered to be like my brothers, and even though they loved Mitsuba, they had their own boxes.

We didn't dare open them.

Especially Sougo, who, incidentally, still despised me.

The Amanto had gotten more brutal with their conquer of Edo, that they no longer wanted to compromise with the Bakufu. Every single one of us fought, had been fighting, for years, and it was coming to a frustratingly unfair end. We lost many men to the battle, to the enemy. They were chained up and tortured, their eyes gouged out and their throats slit.

We made graves for them and told them we'd win.

I laughed now, as my vision filled with spouts of blood and my ears with the screams of our remaining men. It was all coming to an end, and we were losing. I didn't break my promise with just the Shinsengumi, but I let down the rest of Edo. They handed their lives to us and I was laying on the floor, unable to move. I was certain I was oozing from my stomach - they made a huge gash with what looked like a katana, but it was more painful and hotter than metal. I vaguely remembered screaming.

I had never screamed when I was wounded.

My eyelids were beginning to feel heavy. I could no longer move my upper body. I tried to turn my head to look at what was going on, but each time I tried to crane my neck, my vision would be compromised and suddenly, I felt blind. Frustration was building in my jaw, and I wanted nothing more than to stop the sounds of my comrades screaming in agony, calling out my name before they were struck down.

Don't worry about me.

Kondo was half-alive.

I heard them screaming to protect Kondo from any attack, major or minor, and I kept thinking that yes, they needed to protect him with their lives. Make sure he doesn't die. Make sure he survives, to tell his children the story of the day he led a group of men to fight against the enemy, and won. I smiled weakly at the thought, and could see Kondo clearly, as a father, as a good father, just as he had been to so many of the men.

Just as he had been to me.

My breaths were becoming shorter and shallower, and the pain in my lungs suddenly felt much more immense compared to the pain in my open stomach. I closed my eyes, because the lids were suddenly too much for me to keep open. I needed to move to a safer place. I needed to get out of the way.

"Vice-Captain!"

They were calling for me.

I wanted to answer, and so I opened my mouth to choke out a reply, but calloused hands lifted me slowly by the neck and allowed me to rest my head on their arm. I willed my eyes to open, to know who came to my side, finally. My eyes cracked open millimeter by millimeter, and the maroon eyes before me were empty, were filled with a kind of sadness I hadn't seen in ten years.

"Sougo…" I whispered.

"Stop talking, Hijikata."

I chuckled.

"Isn't this what you wanted?"

He raised his eyebrows.

"You told me to die for twenty years. Aren't you happy?"

At the question, Sougo's face fell and for a split second, I saw remorse and mourning in the way he tightened his jaw as he fought back the tears. If I was able to raise my arms, I would've done it to get him to look at me. Instead, I called his name softly until he was looking at my face again. I tried to smile.

"Drink lots of tea."

"What?"

"When I'm gone, just drink a lot of tea."

"I'm not my sister."

I chuckled again, and I found it to be refreshing that it made my shoulders feel lighter.

"No. But I did it a lot for her, and I want you to stay healthy."

"Hijikata, you're not making sense," he said in his usual annoyed demeanor, but his eyes filled with tears.

It was strange seeing Sougo cry. Especially for me. For someone he despised.

I always used the excuse of being a samurai as a way to not allow Mitsuba to get all the way through to my heart, but it was in that moment that I realized it was utter bullshit. It was just a way to keep myself from being a person, from being a human being. Kondo had been right - even as samurai, we were meant to feel. I wanted to laugh at the irony. Sougo didn't look away from me as he spoke to the other men, telling them to do something about the canons, to attend to the others.

I closed my eyes for two seconds, but when I opened them again, I couldn't see Sougo's face clearly.

"Hijikata."

I hummed.

"You…" he started, but it sounded as though he was gulping.

"You were always good enough for her."

His voice broke on the last word and I felt his other hand tremble against the wound on my stomach. I felt a few teardrops fall on my face and suddenly, my heart was filled up with unsaid words and regrets. Sougo's breaths were hitched and I fought with my lungs, wanting to tell him it was okay to cry, it was okay for a child to cry.

It was okay for an adult to cry.

"You turned out just fine," I mumbled and I heard Sougo chuckle through his chokes.

My vision of him slowly became darker, until the last thing I saw were shadows. He continued calling my name, but my body was heavy with something that felt similar to slumber. I couldn't answer him with my voice, and I couldn't feel my arms. I heard him shouting to the others, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. He didn't move from his spot, he didn't move his arm from my neck.

The last thing I heard was Sougo calling me 'Toshiro.'

Then, everything went dark, except for Mitsuba's smiling face, serving as a comforting light.