"Ha ha haaaa..." Skeletor cackled, his cracking voice betraying the giddy, gleeful excitement his bony face could never express, lacking as it did the requisite ligament, tendon, musculature and skin for arrogant grinning.
"Finally-" the fiendish wizard continued, "the foolproof plan! Not even that rube, He-Man, will foil me this time! At long last, I, Skeletor, shall have my much-deserved last laugh!"
To his left, Beast Man still wore a grimace of confusion; Skeletor had explained his latest scheme to his hairy henchman several times, already. Once more would be necessary...
"Very well, you beastly buffoon," Skeletor intoned, half-annoyed, half- eager, "I shall explain one more time! Just then one of the neatly dressed staff of the Emerald Hills Inn and Suites-Eternia's best hotel and only full-service banquet facility-interrupted Skeletor to ask about some trivial detail about table skirting colors. Evil-Lynne intercepted the young set-up hand, though-Skeletor had put her in charge of decorations.
"You see, my foolish, furry friend," Skeletor began, his attention again free, "despite the bulging muscles, boyish good looks, countless victories and all-around hero status that He-Man enjoys, his struggles with women are widely known. Too much of his time spent interfering in my machinations leaves the fool with little free time, so, you see, He-Man is very socially inept and women do not respond favorably to him. That being the case, I knew the desperate would-be Casanova would be unable to resist the siren call of any beautiful woman who might make her move on him!"
Beat Man, enraptured, absently thrust a clawed hand into the large bowl of Chex Party Mix on the snack table to his left, the front of his suit jacket and tie dusted with crumbs. Set-up hands busied themselves with place settings at the many round tables and Cattra smoothed down the front of her dress, waiting for her leader to continue.
"I decided I'd had enough of that nincompoop spoiling my plans! So, using my sorcerous powers, I disguised myself as a beautiful young lady! when I asked He-Man to marry me, he accepted without a second thought! Pre-DICtable!"
Skeletor paused to cackle in diabolical glee, Cattra laughing right along with him. Evil-Lynne just kept barking orders at the decorators. Beast Man, still looking confused, kept munching from the nearly empty bowl of Chex Mix.
"Now," Skeletor continued, "because he already agreed, without asking me to prove my identity, he cannot, now, back out of the engagement, according to Eternian law! MWA! HA HA!" *
Evil-Lynne and Cattra joined their baddie-boss for another round of maniacal mirth-Beast Man, looking ever more perplexed, dribbled half-chewed Chex Mix down his face and shirt, staring slack-jawed.
"Master, the employees have finished setting up the banquet room, here, and the decorations have been placed, according to your specifications." Evil-Lynne informed Skeletor, glancing at her evil wrist watch.
"Yes, yes I see. They look marvelous. No, really, Evil-Lynne, everything in here looks perfectly precious. Thank you soooo much!" said Skeletor. "The Chef is signalling that the food should be ready in 20 minutes! All that's left now, my minions, is to wait! The hour of my victory is nearly at hand!"
45 minutes later...
Organ music played in the smaller of the Emerald Hills Inn's two banquet rooms, which had been set up, theater-style, for the ceremony. Next door, the larger banquet room sat ready for the reception; round tables set to seat 120, chafing candles burning cheerfully beneath tins full of lasagna and other tasty banquet meal delicacies! Yes, the time drew near!
He-Man and his retinue of groomsmen-Orko, Man-At-Arms, Moss Man and Ram Man-arrived on the scene some 20 minutes before the ceremony was to begin, precisely as requested. They all milled about for a while, munching pre-ceremony snacks, drinking pre-ceremony Bud Lights and mingling with the other attendees.
Man-At-Arms thought it both strange and disconcerting-suspicious, if you will-that such criminal personages as Evil-Lynne and Cattra-long time foes of the Masters of the Universe-were attending He-Man's wedding, but the lovelorn Prince of Eternia, desperate for the heat of romance to thaw his cold loneliness, simply would not be swayed. Man-At-Arms had known Prince Adam/He-Man long enough to know when it was time to stop arguing, throw up his hands, and just ready himself for whatever disaster He-Man's bullheadedness was about to get him into. Well, this was one of those times!
He-Man's friends were surprised by the outward friendliness of Cattra and Evil-Lynne. Even Beast Man was being mercifully silent today, contenting himself with wedding cake and champagne. Maybe it would be all right after all. Maybe just because they were professional foes most of the time, and had wildly conflicting goals and philosophies, didn't necessarily mean they couldn't schmooze with each other in a casual setting! Great! What a feeling! Eventually, they relaxed.
After a while of mingling and snacking, a glorious peal rang out from the organ, like a ray of sunshine breaking through the soupy clouds from the heavens. This signaled the wedding ceremony was about to begin. All the wedding guests took their wedding seats! They were ready for a wedding, I'll tell you!
On one side of the lectern, Cattra, Evil-Lynne and Beast Man lined up, while Ram Man, Orko, Moss Man and Man-At-Arms lined up along the other side. Pastor Tom took his place at the lectern and loudly cleared his throat to indicate that the sand demon organist should stop playing for the moment. He did.
This is probably a good time to mention that Teela chose not to attend He-Man's wedding. She was pretty upset about the whole thing. She said she thought it was all a really dumb thing.
Anyway-Pastor Tom launched into a really rousing rendition of the Eternian Wedding Ritual. He did such a great job that, when he was done, all the guests stood up and cheered and clapped! They wouldn't stop until he repeated the whole ritual a second time!
After Pastor Tom finished his second recitation of the ritual, the time had finally come for the big reveal! Skeletor, his bony visage hidden behind his frilly wedding veil, could barely contain his villainous excitement! Any second, now, He-Man's shock, embarrassment and heartbreak would be his vengeance and victory! Yes, very soon!
You many now kiss...the bride!" Pastor Tom shouted, all but completing the ritual and ceremony. Trembling with nervous energy and coursing heroic juices, He-Man reached out towards the veil. Gingerly, he grasped a bit of "Skeletella's" veil between each thumb and forefinger.
The mass of assembled guests inhaled, then, as one, fell hushed, momentarily, collectively under anticipation's spell-awaiting the lifting of the veil; the beautiful apocalypse that would be the young bride's radiant countenance. With a slowness both agonizing and gratifying, He-Man began lifting the veil and peeling it back."
"oooOOOOH..." the guests began to intone, in anticipation of the nuptial kiss. Suddenly though, a thin, high pitched cackle burst from the bridal veil.
"Kyaaahahahahaaaa! I've got you right where I want you, THIS TIME, Heee-Man! No weaseling your way out of this one!" Skeletor's voice cracked the air asunder with all the force of a squeaky lightning bolt! The veil fell from the perplexed He-Man's grasp, fully revealing the off-white, skeletal face of Eternia's most fiendish mage! Another hellish laugh split the now silent banquet room air. The faces of the unsuspecting guests, Orko, Man-At-Arms, Moss Man, Ram Man and-above all-He-Man now bore the same fooled, dumbfounded expression that Beast Man had worn earlier, during the planning phase/banquet set-up shift.
Evil-Lynne shrieked with joy! "Finally!" she cried, "The forces of EVIL claim our moment of victory! Victory for Master Skeletor!" Cattra purred with evil satisfaction, and Beast Man, a drunken tragedy, continued noshing on wedding cake.
"I knew it! I knew this relaxed spirit of cameraderie was too good to be true-that these fiends couldn't be trusted! A false white flag! Bah!" Man-At-Arms could contain his anger no longer.
"Ooooh no!" Orko wailed, gratingly, whilst Ram Man reflexively rammed and Moss Man reflexively mossed, expecting an all-sides sneak attack to come at any moment. None came, though the shock, disgust and confusion-MOSTLY confusion-in the room did not abate. A chorus of "Huh!?" and "Whaaat!?" erupted continuously among, the nonplussed wedding guests.
Meanwhile, at the lectern, Pastor Tom wept openly at the misery which he had unwittingly helped Skeletor visit upon Eternia.
Skeletor laughed right into the face of his rival/husband, He-Man, who still stood motionless in utter perplexity before him. "Yes, that's right you lovesick, cretin! You rushed into this, in your desperation for companionship, not even thinking twice that, on a typical night, a grand total of zero women approach actually wanting to chat, much less marry you!"
"Uuuh...S-Skeletor?!" He-Man interrupted, though only momentarily.
"Yes! it is I, Skeletor!" The bony wizard reached up, both hands behind He-Man's head, and plated one, single, long kiss right on the Gaping Crusader's stupid lips, finalizing and making official their marriage. "Believe me, He-Man; you'll not be interfering in anyof my eeevil plans any longer! Not with a honey-do list like this! Kyaaahahaha!" Skeletor produced a parchment scroll from a fold in his wedding dress, and let it unroll to its full, impressive length. Writing was scrawled all over it. Snake Mountain was in need of some serious handy work, it seemed.
"Bu...B-But...I aaah..." He-Man began to protest, before a bony finger, pressed to his lips interrupted him.
"Not now, Adam. Not here...I don't want to do this with you in front of friends!"
"Skeletor," He-Man began again, "I respect you as an enemy, but..."
"Ssshhh...the time for talk is past." Skeletor interjected once more. "I hope you're ready to start those honey-do's tomorrow, He-Hubby. But, tonight? Well, if you're good, maybe I'll even let you play with Havoc Staff..."
It truly was Eternia's darkest day...