Disclaimer: Red and Lizzie are still not mine. *throws a fit* I might have to talk to Jon Bokenkamp about that!
Dear my lovely Betas, (and I mean every person who helped out with this, so my plan for it to be a surprise wouldn't be compromised) I thank you so very much! Just that you loved the story so much made me confident to go ahead and post it now.
My dear dear readers and reviewers. THANK YOU SO MUCH for all those lovely reviews on 'you are my sunshine'. *hugs fandom* you people are the best. :)
A/N: Almost 4 weeks ago, I read the fanfic 'No Journey Is Long' by Jessahme Wren. It ripped my heart open and I could barely stitch it together. Oh the feels... The fic inspired me, because it was written so so so well. I could see it play in my head and it didn't let me go that day. I told the writer that there will be a payback, (haha) and that next time her feelings will get buried under a pile of heartache! Of course when I start writing it takes me super long, because for one I am no native speaker and for two my story had to have the potental to live up to such a great piece of literature. I hope now, I accomplished it in a way that makes you all enjoy this fic. It's Lizzington of course and this time I tried to be a little creative. So this fanfic is for you my friend. *hugs* A response to 'No Journey Is Long' and a feelstrain so very different from yours.
~ I always write while listening to music. Usually one specific song inspires most of the story. The song becomes the title of the fanfic, regardless if the lyrics fit or not. This time I saw a specific scene playing in my head while listening to „Heartbeats" by Josè Gonzàlez. It's quiet but strong and somehow sounds sad with a tiny bit of hope flickering.~
…
Heartbeats
…
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Her heart was racing ahead of her. Like the wings of a humming bird it vibrated, wanting to flee. Unsteady and scared, she heard it throbbing in the in back of her head, felt the rush in the midst of her ears, saw it pump through the cuts of her veins. Its beating - the prayer of the guilty, singing the song of the betrayed and outlawed. And it was reaching out to her in this cold rainy night, to keep on walking forward. Urging her with each sound to follow the call of another, in search for being whole again.
Because it had been broken, three hours ago when she had overheard Tom talking to a stranger on the phone, telling him he would slice a knife though it when the time was right. Her heart hadn't known that her subconscious mind had been telling her this for weeks, night after night when she was unable to rest. It had denied the possibility that the person she gave it to, would resent it so bluntly, willing to destroy something so innocent.
It was only when she found herself in front of a gun that she suddenly believed. And she felt her heart drop as it sank to her stomach, stirring up nausea. Her heartbeat trembling frightened in her chest; then lonely as she let go of her husband. Their connection as gone as her attachment to his heart when she had kicked the revolver out of his hand and put a hole in the place where it now rested.
Thump-Thump...Thu..mp... Th... –
Her own had almost stopped then as the piercing pain of hurt and loss entered that pumping muscle at its core. And her vision had gotten blurry as salt glistened at the corner of her eye. Grief and relief hovering together as she looked at the corpse. Because in the midst of a dying heartbeat there was the one that had survived - hers. Keeping a steady rhythm and surprising her by being able to beat on its own. She had always thought the moment she fell in love their heartbeats were joined. But the evidence lay to her feet. They were not.
She let out a shaky breath and the new intake of air fueled her blood flow with oxygen, picking up those shattered pieces one by one, making her heart do one last stand by growing strong for this one left over task. It had to. Because in its middle was suddenly a tugging, a pull, a force, something she was familiar with but dared to listen to for the very first time, for it was not numbed anymore by doubts and fears.
Thump. Thump-Thump.
She needed to leave. Get out of this home and away from its threat. Panic acting as her savior just this once.
Weakly she stumbled forward, exhausted and tired and in shock, steering into no particular direction at first. Her heart was so confused as to where to go. The call for it so very silent still.
But she followed its lead and could feel it constrict her throat from time to time, making her want to fall onto her knees. And one time she did, her stomach twisting into a spiral, causing her to cough up the food she had eaten. The drumming in her chest so irregular when acknowledging there would never be a going back.
The streets were dark and the rain heavy. Her path only illuminated by the century-old yellow streetlights welcoming the monsters in this hour. The shadows from tall building hid the smears of blood on her face, the dirt on her hand, the gun residue. And while water soaked her clothes, tears were running down her cheeks getting lost within the drops of mist.
She could barely feel it in this hour, the hope at the bottom of her heart. Mostly detached and empty, she worried about getting lost. But it was there, like the whiskers of a cat, gently and almost not touching the surface. That sound, that regular beat, so reassuring.
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.
Her lids closed for a moment, then she followed the even rhythm. Finally knowing, finally listening - her heartbeat serving as a guide in this search for understanding.
She turned on the next corner. The trees by her side standing tall like guardians as she walked into a side path behind a small junction. But she didn't see yet. Her eyes opening and closing on autopilot were not really observing. Unconsciously she knew that she needed to move, to steer her feet, step by step, heartbeat by heartbeat. To feel and to forget and to arrive.
It was hidden well, the place she desired to find. And she was excited and confused by her decision when she came to stand exactly where she had wanted to go. She hadn't known it would be him, not at first. The man with all the answers to questions she hadn't even thought of yet. But who could it have been otherwise? She had been drawn in from the very start, her heart betraying her, even now.
She was unsure if she should knock or if he had expected her. Simple things seemed so complicated somehow. Her heart was fluttering mad, radiating a need for shelter; seeking companionship and even more so as ever before made a jump when he appeared in the frame of his door.
Thump! Thump.
One glance. One overall view. And he saw eyes speaking of a tale without any fairies. And words were not needed for he understood so well. His heart had sensed hers in this damp chilly night, all alone now by itself.
He stepped aside and she found her way into the house, walking absently towards his couch. The room was warm but dark nonetheless. She registered him following her, in the tingle of her neck, in the pulse of her fingertips, in the way her heart felt suddenly at ease. And she wondered again, why it was always him she'd go to when her logical mind told her to run.
She sat down weakly and chased those questions away. They didn't matter, not anymore. And he mimicked her action and fell back into the cushion, relaxing his muscles, relaxing his mind and not looking at her for he sensed that she needed the quiet to still from within. Her heart seemed to be in a loop it appeared, only shyly accepting his watch. Its beat slowing cautiously as her limbs grew heavy and calmness seeped into her pores.
And for a while they settled into the silence, the rain outside the only sound filling the room. Her tears had never ceased and ran freely out of her eyes when she blinked. Her story remained untold. He would be there, no matter what. The noise of his regular breathing told her so, crooning to her, lulling her in.
After a few minutes she blindly started searching for his warmth. Barely brushing the back of his hand with her fingers until they found the inside of his palm. She could feel it, his pulse, that steady thud at the base of his wrist and settled there. Waiting for him, waiting for an absolution, for the veil to finally lift and expose all her sins. But he never judged. His heart was a melody and haven for this ship in the open sea.
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.
It reassured her within its unwavering beat, told her she was still alive, spoke to her that he was as well. And when he squeezed her hand in return she heard it. Her withheld sob emerging as it pushed its way out of her throat, and those protecting walls in the centre of her ribcage fell apart. And all vulnerable now she let him see.
He was quick, encircling her with one swift move as he cradled her towards his chest. Kissing the top of her head and nuzzling her neck, he lingered a moment to hum promises, she was sure he would keep.
"Everything is going be okay." A whisper, not more. He connected with her.
Her face naturally found the crook of his neck as his head embraced hers from above, protective. Her monster, so safe and secure. How could she have ever doubted him?
A flutter stirred in her chest. She registered it clearly, and was not certain anymore if the shivers came from the cold alone.
He saw her trembling and put a blanket around her. And absently she began speaking, of death and pretence and of suffering from a wound she hadn't realized excited yet. Losing a body was not the same as losing the idea of a person she had wanted in her life. Loving a lie was perhaps the greatest fear her heart had ever endured. And it spoke of pain as it beat away in her chest.
"I shot my husband tonight; in cold blood. I was not even sorry. I just pulled the trigger and aimed at the man I had vowed to love until death do us part."
Her cries turned into hiccups, her goose bumps into clattering teeth and he held her in this hour of nightmares to visit. Being her rock, her friend, her enemy, a companion and lover. Filling that part of her heart she had lost, wavering on the edge of an unspoken paper thin proposal.
"He attacked you." An assumption, not a question; in this caring voice, she knew now she had been waiting for all night to hear.
"It was not self-defense Red."
She had killed her husband because she had wanted to. She had sent that bullet flying and she had watched when he staggered. Had seen all the memories she shared with him playing in her head in slow motion, while blood seeped out of his wound. She had heard giggles, had felt kisses, had recalled the scent of his pillow upon waking up and she had observed his body twitching because of the little round object she had shot into his heart, his lungs, his arteries. And his eyes had looked at her furious, then kind, then afraid then distant and lifeless.
New tears stung behind her eyes, the memory still fresh and raw. Her breath hitched again as they flowed like a river over her cheeks, lips and chin.
He nodded once for he understood, even when she didn't yet. And he held her while her body shook, his skin already moist from all of her tears. His heart clenching from all the hurt he felt himself, past and present coming full circle somehow.
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.
"There was so much blood." She whispered. "I hadn't known a human body held so much blood." Another sob and he pulled her closer, closing his eyes as he felt her pain. Lightly he kissed the tears away. The one on her nose then the one at the outside of her eye. The salt softly mingling with his lips, his heart rate picked up as he smelled her hair. And softly he stroked a strand out of her face caked in dirt and blood and rain.
The smile that followed never reaching his eyes for it was no smile at all.
"It will never go away, but it will become easier, bearable."
He had been there; bloodshed and betrayal standing so closely related to one another. He knew it would haunt her. And he started swaying her as her fingers grabbed his shirt, desperately searching for something to hold onto. He was the only thing connecting her to earth right now, his heart big enough to hold them both.
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.
And hers never wavered, never ceased in its beat. Because he cared and caught her as she fell. His heartbeat embracing her like that soft blanket, vibrating sound by sound into her cells. She had called this heart a monster, not a home. Yet it was exactly that. She understood it clearly now. Monsters seek each others company, for when guilty they feel so much more vulnerable and human. They owned a heart so much bigger, because both evil and good took up the space.
She pressed her face into his chest and knew then she was just like him. A soldier made, but not by choice. And it didn't scare her anymore, because that steady beat at the base of his neck sang the same song as hers. A protecting loving tune, only heard by those who cared enough to listen closely.
Thump - Thump. Thump –Thump. Thump –Thump.
Her eyes fell closed. And his smell, his touch and sight became a part of her. A part of her world as she held onto him.
"They will come after me." She spoke quietly while stroking the back of his hand and playing with the curls on his arm. "The police, Ressler, Cooper, they will know it was me. Even if his body would vanish, it won't make any difference. They would know I have something to do with it. And with me gone, they will come for you too." She buried her face deeper, needing the contact of his bodyheat as her statement opened up a possibility she was not willing to accept.
Her heart was racing in fever then; he could feel it through their clothes. Such a worried little butterfly, kissing her ribcage with feathers of velvet. It was endearing to him. And he shifted lightly and stared into her eyes, caressing her cheek with his thumb and smiling down, adoring how her tears painted her skin in a soft pink as he trailed the wet line with his fingertip.
His voice was clear as he spoke so close to her face. It warmed the outside of her lips. "The truth will save you, Lizzie." Then he kissed her temple. "I think it will save both of us."
Thump-Thump.
It was sacred in his arms. Peaceful somehow. She could smell his aftershave and the masculine scent right under his jaw. Feel the soft skin there with the tip of her nose and the ghost of his heartbeat with the brush of her lips. She lowered herself as she looked down at their hands, quietly playing a slow game of intertwining.
Her head rested now on his upper chest; the warmth of him seeping into her skin. Her eyes were observing the rise and fall of his buttons. His breathing was so even, so hypnotizing, so calm. She found peace in it and started to hold the fabric that went with the movement. It seemed her heartbeat aligned with it then, longing to find that missing part. His airflow was neither deep nor shallow and her eyes grew heavy watching it. She almost didn't register his hands stroking her hair, playing softly with the strands, gliding along the sides of her face all up and down her neck onto her back.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
She heard it then with her ear pressed over his heart. So clear, so strong. The same sound she had searched for all day, that silent call deep down in her veins. Her eyes stayed closed as she detected its echo, floating through her own body so warm.
"Red? " Her tone was low as she said his name. Her lashes softly whispering against his skin, looking up while her head was still tucked under his.
"Mmm?"
His voice vibrated in the depth of his ribcage and she sensed her desire to feel it again. Smiling shortly she squeezed his fingers. "Can you make me disappear?"
There was an urge in her tone that spoke of agony and trust, not a business deal but a favor, a need.
He pulled slightly back and looked at her. Her words and her eyes as serious as he imaged them to be. Sad she gazed into his own, searching for her anchor in this unruly world.
Thump-Thump.
He didn't say anything for a while, just stared into the blue of her irises, keeping their fingers connected with little touches and strokes. And his face gave nothing away at first, unreadable as he got lost for a moment framing her entire face with his glance. But with his breathing as even as ever, she knew without question that he would help. His heart was betraying him, as it sped up a notch.
"Where do you want to go?" He rasped while tracing the veins of her neck, her skin getting warmer under his touch.
Thinking for a moment, her lips caught between her teeth and her pulse picked up at all the possibilities. He caught her, or really, his heart did, never wavering. She didn't want to leave its comfort suddenly. His closeness a draw like the moth to the flame.
A small smiled played on her lips. "You choose," she worded, trusting him with all she had left to give. Her life, her soul, for her heart was already his.
He nodded and she could see the pain in his eyes. He had been there once, on this one way road. Sighing he hugged her towards him again and her head settled back over his chest.
She felt him shift when he picked up the phone, dialing a number, saying foreign names and only half aware of him making arrangements for a flight that got her out of here. She knew it must happen quickly. Soon the police would arrive at her house, a crime scene now where they would find her dog poisoned and her former husband shot dead. The bullets in his chest would have her weapon's signature, the bruises on his body her fingerprints.
A little bit deeper she cuddled herself into him again, her fingers resting on his stomach and electrifying their close bond. Her eyes only opened one last time until they finally fell shut tight.
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.
"Lizzie?" He murmured and she was unaware that she had been drifting off. "We should get ready then."
She took a deep breath as fresh tears threatened to escape. "Just a few more minutes, please…? I like listening to your heart."
A flower blossomed slowly as it arose towards the sun. A seizing beat was just the same. In harmony they lingered in this moment of bliss, treasuring this closeness breath by breath. So intimate was each brush they shared, each eye contact, each heartbeat now.
He breathed her in one last time, then let their bodies slip further down the couch. And she was lying half on top of him and he encircled her wrist with his palm as if they were dancing, kissing it and placing it over his heart. She understood his gesture and opened up, allowing him to claim hers as well.
Reaching for the lamp he turned off the light. Then his gentle fingers massaged her neck, deep in thoughts of all that was to follow.
"I can make it an hour if 60 seconds is too soon," he said before leaning down.
But she never did answer him. He only felt another two warm drops making a journey from her eyes onto his skin before her breathing became even and slow.
Kissing her head had become natural, like her lips lingering at his carotid artery feeling his pulse. Her heartbeat was now steady and strong on its own. He felt her exhaustion and the stress falling off. Her lashes like cotton against her skin as they moved under dreams long forgotten. He kissed them as well and heard her sigh. Her defenses lifting to let him in, capturing his heart as she kissed him back, just this once, still asleep.
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.
And suddenly it felt whole again, that heart of hers, humming quietly, belonging nowhere else but with him. His hands touched her ribcage there, sending a shiver right into her dreams. No he wouldn't wake her. He found peace in this silent aftermath. He would carry her to the plane, cradling her in his arms. And if she asked him to, he'd carry her all the way to the end of the world. His blacklist could wait. She was what mattered, her life, her heart, always has. And like the rain outside clouding over by fog, there would not be a trace of her left by the time she awoke.
-fin-
…
A/N: *hands tissue to her readers and points to the couch* Now tell me all about your feels while reading this. Good, bad and in between.