Very much inspired by Nicole Atkins' song "The Way It Is". The moment I first listened to it I labeled it as the most perfectly-describing song of Bella's thoughts about Jacob and Edward.
I don't own Twilight or Nicole Atkins' "The Way It Is".
Don't tell me
My love's not the one that I want,
That he's not the one that I need,
I'd rather find out for myself.
Quite frankly, Bella was getting tired of all the pressure suffocating her from both Jacob and Charlie. Their resolve that Edward was a negative presence in her life irked her to no end. And without being consciously aware of it, they sparked her stubbornness to dig in her heels and hold on to what she believed was true, deaf to any other opinion. She wanted him, needed him and she was certain that she was meant to be with Edward forever. She was going to prove them all wrong in the end.
You're the one
who shakes at the touch of my hand
but can't decide where he should stand,
if I was smart I'd never call you, call you ever again.
Jacob was another matter entirely. He flashed both hot and cold in his behavior towards her. On the rare afternoon they would spend together, she'd accidentally get too close to him. Bella never commented on it but she couldn't ignore the way he trembled in response to her proximity. And then there would be the drawn-out moments when he'd lose his temper with her, generally over an Edward-related matter and give her the cold shoulder for days. And damn, did she wish she could just let him stew in his own juice interminably and teach him a lesson. But eventually she picked up the phone and apologized because Jacob was as necessary as eating, sleeping, breathing. Exactly on the same rung as Edward, only loved differently.
Oh, in my ears my blood is just roaring
when he's the only one I've ever wanted.
I suppose that's just the way it is…
A distant, insignificant part of her worried at how caught up she still got in Edward. The larger part thrilled at this continued fluttering, this constant obsession. The blood in her veins would start boiling at the sight of him, the touch of him, the scent of him. She couldn't help it.
Just think this could be
the last time I hold you, hold you ever again.
Her transformation was shadowed by a dark cloud that Bella wished she could ignore but the sheer magnitude of it would not allow her to do so. Her becoming a vampire would irreversibly cost her Jacob. She shuddered and died a little bit inside at the thought of never being in his arms again, of enjoying his laughter, his comfort. Of never being part of his life, listening to his stories both sad and funny.
Oh, I don't think I'll ever sleep 'til morning
because he's the only one I've ever wanted.
Oh, and in my ears my blood is just roaring
because he's the only one I've ever wanted
I suppose that's just the way it is…
And yet her fate was sealed. In a few short months, she would give up her human life. Never again would she be able to close her eyes with the intention of sleeping, dreaming. The promise of Edward allayed most of her fears and worries and Bella stubbornly clung to the balm of those thoughts. He was her everything and that was just the way it was.
She was going to find out for herself whether she had made the right choice or not.