I said DON'T READ IT!

Ah well. This is a very silly fanfiction indeed, based on a video by the fantastic Taintie ( /u/1140722/Taintie )which I will link you to later. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Quaxo sighed as he flitted silently round the corner of the Russel Hotel. How should he know where Tugger was? And why should it be his job to find him, anyway? He was probably asleep somewhere, or being indecisive about something, or humping a letterbox, or..

Oh dear.

Tugger, a half-chewed string of sausages trailing over one ear, was propped up against a pile of boxes next to the bins behind the hotel kitchens, a half-empty bottle of Skimble's scotch in one hand and a bunch of catnip in the other. When he heard Quaxo's approach he stopped talking to his own feet and started staring wildly around him, brandishing the catnip like some kind of weapon.

'Wassthere?' he slurred. 'C'mout an I'll….hichoo withiss…an you'll die really bad…AAAH!' He had just noticed Quaxo standing right in front of him, shaking his head in good-humoured disgust. ' 'S Misto!' He grinned angelically up at Quaxo. 'My favourite little...thing with socksh on…feet…an' tail...'

'Rum' said Quaxo, giving him a slap and wrestling the bottle out of his hand, 'What are you doing? Skimble will be missing this, and' he poked apprehensively at the greenish and unpleasant-smelling sausages 'why are you dressed up as a butcher's shop?'

Tugger swayed to his feet, dislodged the mouldering sausages from his mane and held them out to Quaxo. 'You c'navem' he said in a lordly manner. 'I wanted them so I - stolethem from the stripey man…but I don't wannum any more. He sniggered at the horrified expression on Quaxo's face. 'Haveyou…haveyou come to tell me off?' He slumped back down on the boxes, tore off a mouthful of catnip and flashed Quaxo a wicked grin. 'Did they sendjou to tell me I'm being baaad…'

Quaxo sighed again and delicately sat down on the cleanest patch of alley he could find. 'No, actually. They just wondered where you were, as we haven't seen you for nearly a week, and they wanted me to remind you that it's the Jellicle Ball tomorrow night.'

'Yaay, balls! Jellicle cats come out…toniiight…Jellicles come to the Jellicle ball…' sang Tugger tunelessly, batting at Quaxo's ears.

'Are you…are you going to go?' asked Quaxo, hesitantly, because he knew that Tugger and Munkustrap had had an especially bitter row not long ago. That was probably the reason Tugger had disappeared off on this binge, actually, Quaxo reflected.

'I dunnooo' said Tugger vaguely 'are you gunna wear...your spinkly jacket that goes…bzzzz…like bees…sparkly light bees from space! Itshsoo pretty…like you're made of stars…'

Quaxo giggled. 'I'm not sure. Probably not. I think I might look like a bit of a showoff. Not that that's a problem for some people…'

Tugger sniggered. 'Y'love it. Are we….hey, Jenny! Ohh, itsha football…ahahaha… I mean…are we doing a show thingummy for big D?

'Yeah. Pekes and the Pollicles.'

'Agaaaaaaaaain?' We ALWAAAYS do that…it's so booooring…just 'n excuse for Admetus to prance around dressed up as the Rumpus cat…whatta prat…I'd 'ave 'im…I wanna be Rumpus cat!

'Tugger, you know you can't be the Rumpus cat' explained Quaxo patiently 'not with your big mane. Plus' he gave Tugger a playful shove 'you're too skinny.'

Tugger yelled with mock rage and made a grab for Quaxo, but he was already sitting demurely on the top of the wall, twitching his tail and washing his paws fastidiously.

'L'ave you know' said Tugger, with as much dignity as he could muster through the haze of Famous Grouse 'that I'm a pragaron of phys'cal excellence. Actually. S'there.'

'Rum' sighed Quaxo 'You've got to stop believing everything that Etcetera tells you. If I believed everything she told me I'd think cars were powered by rats running in the wheels, or that Old Deuteronomy actually made the moon out of fur and fireflies, or that you're half dog…'

Tugger chuckled hoarsely, and then suddenly sat up straight, a look of epiphany on his smeary face.

'What?' asked Quaxo, a hint of suspicion in his voice.

'I think' said Tugger slowly 'we should do something else.'

'Yes, I agree' said Quaxo, jumping down from the wall and beginning to turn towards the opening of the alley, 'this place really is disgusting. Plus I promised Tumble I'd-'

'Nonononono. No. Nope. S'not what I meant. Better, waaay better. Mishto...yer my besh mate...come here, c'mere.' He beckoned, grinning wickedly. 'Wha? Nono trust me, c'mere.'

Rolling his eyes, Quaxo complied.

Tugger beckoned him closer, grabbed his ear, and whispered excitedly into it, pausing frequently to snort, giggle and sometimes, to Quaxo's disgust, dribble.

Several minutes later, Quaxo straightened up, a look of complete bewilderment on his face.

'Tugger' he said slowly 'I think I'm going to need some of that scotch.

An hour or so later, back at the Junkyard...

Munkustrap paused for a second to wipe his brow, before continuing to heave the chunks of debris he was carrying. 'Bloody hell' he muttered 'Where does this crap come from? Every year! ALONZO?' he yelled 'Can you give me a hand clearing some space for the ball? Cass, how are we coming with the lights? And where the hell are Tugger and Quaxo?'

Alonzo was nowhere to be seen. 'I'll have a look for him' sighed Cassandra. 'The lights are all tangled up, I don't know how they always manage to do that, it doesn't matter how neatly I store them...' Her voice faded into the distance as she left. Munkustrap sighed and picked up what looked like a broken television aerial covered in underwear of varying sizes. Humans were certainly strange creatures.

At that moment, there was a crash, some shrieked swearwords, and a lot of giggling. There seemed to be voices coming from somewhere nearby, getting closer.

'No way. I'm Ken. I'm taller! I'm MANLIER. Ken's tall...actually no...he'sh like a foot high...'

'No! Rum! You're Barbie an' thas my final wor...thas it. You've got the ri-(at this sound there was a thump, and a snort, as if someone tripped over someone else) 'gah! You've got the right hair.'

'Wha..whachoo mean ish, I'm pretty...like Barbie...'

'Noo, but you have about the same amount of brains...' A self-satisfied giggle followed this statement.

'M'not doing it unless you shay I'm pretty.'

'Y'not as pretty as me.'

'SHAY IT!'

( A sigh) 'Fine, you're..very pretty... ARGH! Who put that there? Aaaah!'

To Munkus's horror, one of his carefully constructed piles of junk began to teeter dangerously, before toppling foward and revealing Tugger and Quaxo sprawled in the middle of it, clearly intoxicated and laughing helplessly. Munkus himself couldn't see anything remotely funny about it, as it was almost certainly he who would have to clear it all up.

'HIIIII' yelled Tugger, scrambling to his feet and throwing himself towards Munkus enthusiastically, arms wide. 'IT'S MY FAV'RIT BROTHER! GIZ A HU-umph...' he had fallen over almost immediately, and was now trying to get his face out of a discarded stiletto. Quaxo was rolling around in a foetal position, screaming with high – pitched laughter. Tugger crawled over and put his finger to his lips. 'SHHHHH' he said, in an exaggerated whisper. 'Stealth...stealth mode...Munkus will never know... quickly, Misto, distract him! Waggle your bum or something...'

This set them both off again. Munkustrap had had enough.

'Well, you two are obviously not going to be any help tonight' he said sternly. 'If you're going to carry on like a couple of girl-kits, you might as well go away and leave me to get on with things.'

Tugger straightened up and got shakily to his feet, approaching Munkus with what must have seemed to him like a serious and engaging expression.

'We haff' he said, 'come here with a...with a vair serious proposition...which is serious an...an also really good, as well, also, so...'

'Cuz the Pekes & the Pollicles SUCKS' contributed Quaxo, who was on the ground, Munkustrap suddenly noticed, waving his rear in the air in a vague sort of way.

'Quaxo, I can't believe Tugger's got you into this state, you're usually so responsible' said Munkus despairingly.

'Trusht me' grinned the little tuxedo 'You'd want to be drunk too if...if y'were about to do this...'

Despite himself, Munkustrap was beginning to be intrigued.

'Alright' he sighed, crossing his arms. 'What is this 'proposition', then?'

'Uhm' explained Quaxo 'well, we're sick of doing the pekies an' pokies...pollkies...placallies...you know, with the stuff on our heads... Cuz it's all you, and 'Dmetus, and all we get to say is 'Bark', and we've done it a million times...'

'And I have to play that stoooopid rugby ball' put in Tugger, who was preening.

Munkus looked slightly affronted. 'Well, that bit was your idea...Anyway, so you don't like it? I doubt you have any better ideas...'

He looked from one of them to the other and groaned. They were both grinning wickedly.

'Oh, no...'

Just then, Jenny bustled over, in costume from practising her number. She opened her mouth to ask what was going on, but was interrupted-

'NOW!' yelled Tugger.

Quax started the music, and adopted what he obviously thought was a masculine stance.

'Hiya, Barbie!' he said, in a ridiculously deep voice. Tugger burst in. 'HII KEN!' he trilled, in a weird falsetto.

'You wanna go for a ride?'

'Sure, Ken!'

'Jump in!'

Jenny was staring in horror, looking as if she was hoping this was some perverted dream.

'I'm a Barbie girl...' began Tugger.

Munkustrap put his head in his hands and wept.

FIN

If you wish to see this wondrous sight with your own eyes, go and watch the video on youtube now. Just type in 'Barbie girl tugger misto'. NOW I TELL YOU! DO IT!

Apart from that, all I can say is I'm sorry. (But I'm not really!)