Displaced

Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

"Sign here and here"

I watched you do it, closing the book, throwing away the life we had created together. A year of struggles had come to an end; you had given up on us.

The lawyer passed me the pile of papers, casually – like it wasn't a big deal, but it was for me. I couldn't do it. You shot me an angry look as I was hesitating, a look that I had found extremely cute when we first got together, all those years ago. Silently, I wondered to myself when I had stopped to like that expression, when I had begun to consider it as annoying.

"Mr Carlyle, I need you to sign the papers, right there under Mrs Carlyle's signature."

I felt like the world was crumbling as I read Kate's signature on the divorce paper, Mrs Carlyle wanted a divorce. The love of my life wanted to leave me. Everything was falling apart, and then I looked at you, seeing that you felt the same.

With all the strength I had left in my body, I stood up fiercely, causing a shiver down your spine. Why were you afraid of me? You should know better, you know that I would never hurt you. Not intentionally.

"I'm not doing this," I said weary, sliding the papers back to the lawyer who let out a frustrated sigh.

"Boone" You begged me, your eyes showing your own doubts.

I walked towards you, sat myself down as close to you as I could get and grabbed your hand carefully – the first body contact we had had in weeks. I acted calm but inside my heart was breaking.

"I DON'T want a divorce; I want to be with you for the rest of me life"

She avoided my glance, looking down at her knees.

"We promised each other forever. At our wedding day you said that you would stick with me through good and bad times, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Finally you looked at me, "It did", shyly you added, "It still does"

"Then why?" I didn't need to say more, she knew what I was asking her.

"We've been through this," you said, exhaling loudly. "To much has happened" You paused, "I'm not happy, Boone"

A tear fell down your cheek and I had to fight the urge to whip it away. I've always hated to see you like that and now, when I know that the reason that you was crying was me, it felt worse.

I needed to know one thing before I signed those papers.

"Do you love me?"

I couldn't avoid my voice showing how destroyed I really was.

My wife looked at me and the silence spoke volumes.

"I've always had and always will"

That was what I needed to hear. Smiling slightly, I kissed her forehead – something that I only did when I really wanted to show her how much I loved her.

"Then don't do this, Kath"

Kate didn't move and I made the toughest decision of my life. Carefully, so that the lawyer wouldn't consider me as a threat, I took the papers she had signed and tore them into tiny pieces. She looked at me, shocked. Then I found another copy and signed my name, giving her the option to take the final step. It was no longer my decision to take.

"It's up to you now, sweetheart" I said with a hint of sadness in my voice and then I walked away without looking back.

Watching you run
Watching you fall

It took hours until you came home but I had waited patiently, knowing that you would return – like so many times before. That was so typical you, a part of your nature, to run away when things got though. That was why you wanted a divorce, I had realised that now.

"I couldn't do it. Are you happy now, honey? We're still married" You practically yelled at me.

I didn't say anything, after five years together I had learned that you needed to get things of your chest without me interrupting you.

You put your newly cut, short hair, up in a ponytail and I couldn't avoid feeling my love for you rushing through my veins. I think that you are becoming more and more beautiful each year. Pacing back and forth in our living room, which you had decorated, you began to speak,

"It hurt me… that you weren't there when I needed you the most. I was pregnant Boone, I lost the being that was living inside of me and you didn't even seem to care. That hurt me more than I can even begin to explain. Seeing you, the man that I love – shutting me out of his life, broke my heart.

Your expression killed me.

"Say something!"

You still sounded angry but your eyes were begging me to say something that would make you stay with me. Inside, I doubted that there was anything I could do to change your mind.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry, that I can't live without you? That the miscarriage made me lose my god damn mind? Because it did. I loved that baby more than you ever know. I never told you because it was too hard, Kath. In my mind I saw this perfect family and then that dream was crushed. I felt like I had let you down somehow, that I should have taken care of you better."

Tears streamed down my face and I covered my hands before it so that you wouldn't see, but you did. Slowly you came close to me, and gently you whispered,

"That was what I needed to hear"

So there we sat, sobbing together both out of sadness and joy. We knew that we would survive this. Our wedding vows would actually mean something, we would spend the life together and it would be a great life. Finally, we weren't scared of trying to expand our family again…