This is my first attempt at something really offensive. So feel free to rant at me and say what an awful person I am

Yours truly,

Morality

The little red riding hood.

Seras aka little red riding hood

Walter aka father

Schrödinger aka big bad wolf (whahahhah big, yeah right)

Andersen aka huntsman

Enrico Maxwell - grandmother

Sorry the fairytale has got too little characters so I'll insert some from other fairytales and some I've made up

Captain – the white bunny

Pip - The hallucinogenic mushroom

Integra – the evil witch

Major – The sleeping beauty

Alucard – the narrator.

Kenny aka Kenny

Erm, right, so, why do I have to do this again? Ah, yess, the fresh A+ this evening, yummy.

(Shouts from somewhere – start already!)

Yeah, yeah, hold your tights on. Once upon a time, (yawn) there lived a little ignorant fledgling of mine who happened to be skipping her meals, ate ice cream while nobody saw her and stored Tom and Jerry comics under her mattress (shout from Seras - MASTER!) Yes so she decided to go to the dark woods and finally get lost.

Integra – This is not how the story goes!

Alucard – And? I'm the narrator here, you witch.

Fine, now according to the evil creature who also happens to be my master Seras lived in the forest with her father Walter, who was in fact a dentist, deadly floss, hint, hint. He was a terrible cook, which is why he decided to treat his erm, "relative" Enrico some of his special home made cookies in order to inherit her cottage in Rome. Don't ask me which way they're related, the story was too horrid even for me.

(Shouts from somewhere – Enrico can't be a grandmother, he's a man!)

CCCRUNCHY SOUNDS>

Rule Nr 1, don't you EVER question my stories if you want to keep your head on the shoulders, as for the rest of you noodles, Enrico had switched genders recently, that is why his ID still reads Enrico Maxwell, but friends call him Margaret.

Back to the story then.

Seras went to the shop and bought that new sexy crimson outfit the other day, somehow I can't see why everybody in the neighborhood called her the little red riding hood, I'd call her the little red riding CENSORED, but oh well.

So Walter gave her the basket of cookies and ordered her not to consume any of the stuff if she wanted to stay alive. She slipped on her new leather catsuit and went off to the woods.

Ok remember I said my fledgling was ignorant? Well what person in a good state of mind would go into a dark forest at night, dressed up like that, especially with such complexion? Ok but before.

Walter – Seras dear, bring these to Margaret if you want to spend this summer in Rome.

Seras – Sure pops, no problem.

So she went prancing into the dark forest, singing loudly and scaring any monster away with her awful tunes. Seriously, have you ever heard her singing in the shower? No you perverts, of course I don't spy on her! The only thing is, I'm cursed to share the same basement with her.

Seras was very hungry; she had skipped her meal again and since she wanted to stay alive (well ok she's technically dead), she decided to find some nourishment in the woods, remember, it was dark. She searched and the only thing she found was some glowing mushrooms, well again, whether she was very hungry or insane, but she ate them.(Police girl, how many times do I have to tell you not to eat things from the ground!) Then the miracle happened, the mushrooms started talking to her, WOW.

Pip – Hey there babe, wanna go out with me?

Seras – Huh what are you?

Pip – Why I'm the hallucinogenic mushroom, Pip.

Seras - Nice to meet you, I'm Seras.

Pip – Good now eat me and I will accompany you wherever you go.

And you know what? She DID it! Can you imagine, taking orders from a mushroom!

Integra – Alucard, skip your stupid comments and continue with the story. Never in my life have I encountered a lousier story teller than you, why do I even put up with you, you skinny sack of rotten flesh. Rant Rant RantThe last time I saw you reading was that Playboy magazine you stole from Pip and I doubt it was the text you were interested in. You think yourself fit enough to tell a story you sloppy mongrel? Rant Rant Rant Can you read at all or are you illiterate? Rant Rant Honestly have you ever read something; something people regard as literature or perhaps I should lend you some Vinnie Pooh stories for an easy start?

SNNNOOOORRR>

Intega – Alucard,wake up immediately, that is an order!

GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, crone, Grumble, oh master have you finished ranting already? Usually it takes more than 10 minutes to get it straight, so I decided to doze off as I usually do.

Integra – GGGRRAAAAAAhhhh

Ok, ok no need to freak out and they say that I'm the monster.

Returning to the story. Giddy and full of Pip, Seras continued prancing, but since The hallucinogens were beginning to work, she started seeing things and apparently couldn't find the way to Enrico, who was recovering from his, pardon, hers gender switching operation.

Meanwhile Captain Hans was strolling down the same path which Seras took and was preparing for his monthly period, now don't get me wrong he's a werewolf not a woman you weirdoes, full moon? And usually liked to enjoy his changes intimately, and speaking of intimate, the transvestite Shrödinger creature was spying on him. Guess who found her first? Not gonna tell ya but, hey, there's a hint – none of them.

Kenny was in his trademark orange hoodie. He was also observing the moon and the woods and everything else, he was so happy, but then, oh dear, bumped into Captain when he had shed his concealing wardrobe and now was standing in his full hairy glory (howls and whistles from the werewolf ladies). So Kenny was stupid enough to approach Captain and try to make friends with him.

Kenny – mwwhmhw mwhwh mwhhw jwjwijwjwhe - indistinguishable sounds muffled by the hood - translation - Hello scary, vicious person, wanna be friends?

Captain - " ,--,, -, "

Kenny - nhhjjjdjdhhf mnnn mmmnmnr mnmnsnsdnmmd - Translation – Cool. Let's go to my house for some cookies.

Captain – "., "

After this silent statement he ripped off Kenny's head. He didn't consume him, wanna know why? Cuz Captain Hans prefers vegetarian food, nobody believes me when I say that but it is true, he only eats vegetarians. Oh fear thou veggies!

Anywhoo, Shrödinger leaped out of bushes apparently being chased by something, but when he saw the sight, he couldn't refrain from saying.

Shrödinger – You killed Kenny You bastard!

Captain - " ,---,--,-,--,"

Shrödinger – Oh sorry pal I didn't really mean it I don't know what came over me.

Captain – "-,-,-,-,-"(It isn't a Morse code you know)

Shrödinger – I'm glad you see it my way; I see you wanna go out to eat eh?

Captain – " , "

Shrödinger – Ok we can also go to Deli if you want to, but I know a fancy Vegetarian restaurant just around the corner.

Captain – " ,-, "

Schrödinger – I didn't know you were on a diet; you look pretty fine to me.

Rustling of the bushes

Guess who appears in the scene?

Seras – Row, row, and row your boat, gently down the stream! If you see a big naked nazi werewolf, don't forget to scream EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Captain – " ,"

Schrödinger – Yeah, don't offend my fella here!

Seras – OMG what an awful creature (she pointed at the Schrödinger). Aww look at the cute white bunny!(Looking at Captain)

Seras, next time you should really consider what you're consuming, oh my; I'm really ashamed of her now. How will I ever be able to approach her again? She is ruffling Captain's fur, she'll get fleas oh hell, I gotta purchase a flea collar or something.

Note

Dear witch (Integral) I have gone to the pet store to buy some flea powder and worm pills. I will be back till dinner.

PS: If police girl returns before me by all means don't let her inside my room.

Love,

Alucard

Ok I guess this was really awful, you hate me and don't want me to continue this.