A/N
Some anon sent me this request on Tumblr
Could you try a fic where sara has an asthma attack on stage/leaves stage to have one? I love how you write them and tegan's response :)
This is what came to my mind.
I thank sleepsidebyside for the great work she did with this one. She's gold :)
Sara POV:
I know she's looking at me. I can feel a layer of sweat forming across my forehead and it's not just because of all the lights. The stage is hot, but it's her gaze that burns me.
She's just a few short feet away, just below our stage. Usually she spends her time taking photos and staring lovingly at Tegan. Tonight she's staring at me. I feel her gaze scan my body. I'd prefer if she was checking me out. I mean that'd be awkward, but it would be bearable at least. But NO! She's staring at me with anger, or maybe that's just how it feels. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but something tells me she know. How's that possible though? We've been so careful. It's our fault, we're the ones doing something we're not supposed to.
I feel my throat tighten as she stares me down. I can't breathe properly. I try to hold on but I can't, my lungs are screaming.
Tegan POV:
Something seems off tonight. Sara's not into the show at all. She's looking to our feet, to the pit full of photographers hoping for that one perfect picture of us. Lindsey is among them tonight. I feel the familiar sting in my chest at the mere thought of her. She's so precious, she's beautiful and funny, I really do love her but... she's just not Sara.
I wanted so much for her to be the one. The one to cure me. She's not though, and deep down I know no one will ever be my one. I already have one. The one that's singing at my side, the one that always has been and always will be in my life. Sara. She's my other half. Literally.
I've always looked at her with a heart full of love, the kind of love I should never have felt. I never thought she could ever feel the same, but she proved me wrong.
It was all so sudden, I didn't know how to react. She caught me off guard, surprised I did the only thing I could, I spoke my truth. I should have lied to her, lied to save us. But I told her the truth and with that out in the open, what else could we have done? I just didn't have the strength to hold back what I had inside anymore. Since then, we began to... share more, intimate moments. Yeah, I made love to her, it's only happened a few times since the moment we became us. Not that we don't want to, we're just too scared and we both feel so guilty. So most of the time it's just about sweet things whispered between the two of us, or a brush of our hands, a light touch, loving looks. But we felt guilty because we have our own lovers, and to have to see mine every day is killing me. It's killing Sara too. She hates having to share me and she knows that I love this woman, it kills her to see me with Linds. I can't live without Sara though. Just catching a glimpse of her makes me feel like my heart's going to explode. If I were to lose Lindsey… I would feel completely broken. But without Sara… I would die. I wouldn't even be able to breathe.
Singing one of my most emotional songs, I feel the need to close my eyes so I don't lose myself. That's when I realize something's wrong. Sara, she's not singing with me anymore.
"Tegan"...
I hear her faint whisper coming through my in-ears. My eyes fly open and dart in her direction. The second I see her my breath catches in my throat. She's pale, she's so pale, doubled over under the weight of her guitar. She brings a hand to her chest as she falls to her knees.
I hear so much screaming, chaotic sounds of concern coming from our fans, and band, from everywhere. I don't care about any of them though. The only things that matters is her. Sara.
I throw my guitar down and I'm at her side in no time.
"Sara, Sara please look at me. Just breathe Sara." When she meets my gaze I see the tears falling from her eyes.
We're suddenly surrounded by people, I'm told the paramedics are on their way.
Helping Sara to her feet, I hold her by the waist as I guide her towards the dressing room.
"Sara, it's ok, everything's ok." I try to calm her down, but she's sobbing and her breath's becoming more and more erratic. She can barely even hold herself up anymore. I quickly bend to get an arm under her legs, the other draped around her shoulders as I lift her from the floor. I cradle her body in my arms.
People are talking all around me. Concerned voices offering me help. But this is Sara, my Sara, so I carry her to the dressing room myself and lie her down on the couch. I rush to the table where her things have been haphazardly thrown and frantically search through her bag until finally, I find her puffer. Rushing back to the couch, I push everyone away from her.
"Christ, give her space, she needs air!" I yell at everyone, my band mates included as I give her her medicine. The paramedics enter the room and push me aside as they start to take her vitals or some shit, I don't know. They're talking but they don't seem like they're overly concerned.
"I'm ok. Please, I just need some rest." That's the first time I've heard her voice since we left the stage and I exhale a trembling breath I didn't even realize I had been holding. I sigh in relief as I watch the paramedics work around her a little more, then they turn to me.
"She just had an asthma attack, is that something she experiences periodically?" They ask me.
Looking at Sara, I reply "She hasn't had an attack in years."
"Ok, it wasn't too bad, could be she's just stressed but she definitely needs to rest."
I look at them again and try a smile as I nod. They give me some other information but the only thing that I get is that they had given her something to calm down, so she could feel a little weak and dizzy.
Seeing that Sara refuses to be taken to a hospital, they leave.
People are starting to go leave, someone goes to tell everyone that the show is over, but some of the guys still stand at Sara's side.
"Guys, please, go, have some fun, I'll stay with her and I'll take her to the hotel when she's feeling a little better." I know they don't want to leave us, but I want some time alone with my sister, I want to hold her in a way that I can't when they're here. Another sting to my chest.
As the guy's leave, I see Lindsey approach.
"Are you ok, Sara?" she asks, she's looking at her so intently. Sara doesn't look at her, she just nods her head and mutter a thanks.
"Please Linds, just go, get some sleep. I'll see you at the hotel soon." I feel my heart ache when she looks at me with her beautiful eyes. She nods her head with a weak smile, and with that she turns to go, leaving us alone.
As soon as everyone is gone, I take Sara's hand in mine and bring it up to my lips, kissing across he knuckles. She smiles at me, but it's a sad smile.
"You were right to bring that puffer with you," I say smiling at her. "You scared me." I lean in, but she turns her head so my lips meet her cheek.
"What's wrong, Sasa?"
"She knows," She says, I see tears fill her eyes again.
"Who? What?" I ask, even though I know exactly what she's talking about.
"Lindsey... She knows about us." I feel her body shiver.
I slip an arm around her shoulder and bring her close to me, rocking her lightly in hopes of soothing her nerves.
"Sara, what are you talking about? She doesn't know a thing." I'm sure my words are true.
"I can see it, the way she looks at me, she knows, I know it," she repeats, and I wipe the falling tears from her eyes. She nuzzles her face in the crook of my neck and cries harder.
"Sara, everything's ok, she doesn't know, I promise," I say to her, trying to calm her.
"No Tegan, Nothing's ok," she backs a little away from me, "and even if you're right... it's not fair, what... This is wrong, I can't," she says, gesturing between the two of us.
"No, no, no, don't say that. We'll make it work, this... It's ok, please." I start to panic, I feel my chest tighten and squeeze my heart. I feel like I'm dying.
"Tegan, we have to stop, I thought we could do this, but I can't do it," she start to cry again, gripping on to my shirt for dear life. She's trying to push me away and let me go, but she's holding on to me so tightly. I feel like I could split in two, because she's right.
I free myself from her grip and motion for her to give me some space. I sit behind her back and move my legs to her sides so she's now sitting between my legs. I lean my back against the armrest and gently wrap my hands around her, pulling her body into me gently.
I caress her thigh as she traces my tattoos with the lightest touches. She's so gentle, so loving. I plant a kiss to the back of her neck and feel her sigh as her hands meet mine, her fingers slipping between mine.
"You're right... but how? How am I supposed to live without you?" It's a simple question, and it carries with it the deepest of truths. What we have may be wrong in so many ways, but I can't live without it, I can't live without her.
She stops her movements to wrap both our arms around her waist, leaning on me even more. I start to kiss her shoulder, when I reach her neck I stop hesitantly.
She leans her head back, arching her neck. I start to kiss her pale skin, tasting the few tears that reached that point. I brush my lips gently on her pulse point, I suck on it gently, testing her sweet flavor with the tip of my tongue. I can feel her heart beating so fast, like mine in my chest. She whimpers softly.
I continue my kisses until I reach her ear.
"Sara, I can't even imagine my life without you, without the chance to hold you like I'm holding you now," I say softly, opening my heart to her, "I would die without you. You're my everything."
I feel her squeeze my hands as she moves her head to face me. She looks into my eyes deeply for a long moment. Her hazel eyes now more green than brown, something that happens after she's been crying. Those eyes are so beautiful that I feel like I'm losing myself.
"I love you too," she says it so seriously that it sends shivers through my whole body. She looks at my lips then meets my eyes again, a moment later, she leans in.
I feel her lips touching mine so gently, it feels like the first time. She massages my lips with hers for a while. My heart hammers in my chest as her tongue traces my bottom lip, asking for entrance, and when our tongues start to dance, I feel complete again.