Disclaimer: I don't own and never will own Loveless...this story was just a spur of the moment thing go big and its also my first be nice please...R&R. Thankies.

Loveless

Twist of Fate

Proloug

What is love? What does it mean to be loved? What does it mean to love back? What is love? Is it a feeling, an emotion? Is it a state of being? What is love? Is it something to live for or something to die for? People live and die for love everyday. As illogical as it seems. People are blinded by this sensation called love. To be loved now is wrong because I am not me. I am not the same person I was two years ago or more actually eight years, before he left before Seimi died. I was never the same again, I couldn't be how could anyone go back to living their daily lives when someone you love dies. Then two years later there was him, Soubi, the first day I meant him I was twelve and he was nineteen, I was sulking in my depression he was drowning in his. The first day I meant him, that was the first day he kissed me, the first day he said those words to me...'I Love You.' I was afraid at first. He was an adult he had no ears, but he had been a friend of my brothers. Hes a liar and a pedophile and everything else rotten under the sun, and hes mine. Its been six years sense the first day I meant Soubi, I'm now eighteen and hes twentyfive. And still I ask myself these questions of love...I know I love Soubi but am I in love with him.

Chapter 1

Sleepless

A soft touch awakens me from my deep slumber. I am always sleeping latter than Soubi thinks I should, he always says its not healthy, not that he would know what healthy was, when I was younger he would always fight by himself, never thinking that it could get him killed. I think back then Soubi didn't believe in death...well not so much as he didn't believe in than he didn't want to believ in it...hell neither did I. But I knew it could happen every time I went home there was a possability that I wouldn't walk back out of that house. My mother was violent, she was more or less physchotic. She was always yelling throwing and smashing pates and glasses vasess and all other assortment of nice things. She wanted Ritsuka back, her son, but she couldn't he had died with Seimi. Again there is a hand on my ears...yes I still have my ears, I've not laid with Soubi, though I must say I've always...well not always...but I've imagened in my head before what kind of lover he would be...I've always liked the out come. The shaking is getting a bit more frantic now, Soubi always thinks I'm dead when I don't get up. Giving a small sigh I stretch, my body shakes from the strain and I open an eye to look at Soubi, who is smiling.

"I was worried that you were not going to get up Ritsuka, I left earlier this morning around ten and I when I came back you were still sleeping soundly its now four in the afternoon." He smiled bending down an giving me a small kiss on the lips before walking off towards the kitchen. I sat up a small bit befudeled, I knew I was a late sleeper but I had never slept this late. Soubi came back carrying two glasses of tea, I took mine and sat it beside the bed, I would drink it after I went to the bathroom. Getting up though I would find to be a mistake as soon as I got up I came back down, well I would've if there wasn't suddenly a strong pair of arms around me.I looked up at Soubi who was looking at me, a very worried expression on his face. Then I suddenly remembered what had happened last night, there was a fight, and...to say the least I got a good bit beaten up. He led me to the bathroom and then put me back in the bed. I wasn't a fighter so I coulnd't heal the wounds I received quickly. I don't remember how much damages I sustained during the battle, though now it seems it was a lot. Soubi was there though he knew...though odds are he won't tell me, I can see he was injured pretty badly too. There are bandages all over his arms and some on his face. But he wouldn't tell me what had happened that was the only really annoying thing about him...all the secrets he kept.

"Are you ok Ritsuka?" He asked me almost forcing me to lay back down. Hes so damn annoying, but I knew he was only worried about me. I just didn't remember. I hated that I couldn't remember because that usally meant that I had fainted. Which always made me feel bad. I just whish Soubi would tell me, he was always worried about me, I had grown as a sacrifice so to faint now the battle must have been really bad. I sighed my hands were becomeing blurry...tears...I hate tears, I hate it when I cry, and I hate it even more when Soubi sees me though he usally doesn't. I don't let him, but the tears are here and Soubi is here sitting beside me not saying a word...its then I relieze that I haven't answered his question. I can't, because I can't lie to him and say yes when I'm not ok, but I just can't say I'm not alright and cause him to worry even more, I think he takes the now silent fallen tears and my silence as his answer. He sits his tea cup to the side and sits on the bed. Words are not needed he knows and thats all. He takes me in his arms and everything is gone, only he is there. And durning this moment I asked him what happened, he looks at me and there is something in his eyes that I have not seen in such a long time; fear...that only worries me more.

"I really shoudn't say...not right now atleast, after you have rested, you need it you had a hard time, I will say that the battle was something feirce and that we are both very lucky to be alive." Well there was some promise in those words not much but some, and at this moment in time that was all that I could hope for. I slowly raised my bandaged hand to his face. There were cuts and scrapes all over it and a red mark on his neck that was the symbol of a restraint, he really didn't get restrained that often anymore, I usally took the bulk of the challange, this had to have been bad for him to also be restrained. His eyes closed at my soft touch and a tired sigh escaped from his lips, it was then I saw just how exhausted he really was. There were bold dark circles under his eyes and even to me it looked like he was about to collapse from exhaustion. Never a good sign I would know. I scooted over in the bed and, with a little resistance and complants from him, I finally got Soubi to lie down.Useing what litle energy I had left and calling on my last reserves of strength I pulled off his shoes and his shirt took down his hair and covered him up. As soon as he was comfertable he was asleep dead to the world nothing could wake up right now though that was just as well with me. He might not know it but when he sleeps he looks like an angel even more than he does when he is awake. His peacful face and steady breathing captivate me, he might consider me his master but I am his captive.

It wasn't always like that, there were times back when I first meant him that I was so cruel that I could kick myself now.Though he would proablly not approve of such a thing and would lecture me about how it was bad to harm ones self. I've had that lecture from him before not a fun one.But now that I'm more mature and more understanding of Soubi, I could never bring myself to be cruel to him. If I ever was I think I would litteraly die. Sighing I run my hand through his hair, my fingers get caught in a tangle and I brush it out the best I can while useing my hand. Agotsuma Soubi, a sinner to the world and to me perfect in almost every way (remember pedophile). He always goes on about how he wants to protect me, if he only knew how often I thought the same thing. Yeah he might think that he doesn't need to be protected, but he does, to me hes just so fragile sometimes. Hes like a porcealn doll ready to break at any moment. I love this man, despite how the world sees it I love him with every fiber of my being I love him.

"Soubi I love you so very much." I say sleep heavy on my eyes and in my voice. My love for this man is rivaled by nothing. Actually once we had a conversation about my brother Seimi because I thought my love for my brother was the only thing that could out weigh my love for Soubi. I asked Soubi while we were relaxing one day what kind of master my brother was. And something happened that didn't normally happen during these small conversations. Soubi's head was removed form my lap and his eyes locked with mine as though asking 'Are you serious, do you want to know'.I did want to know I had heard diffrent storys, that Seimi was good and kind and that he was harsh and all that other stuff. Giving a soft sad sigh Soubi lay his head back down in my lap. "I will tell you the truth Ritsuka, though the truth is harsh and you more than likely won't like it...Mas...I mean Seimi was not at all a kind master, he was very harsh and very strict. And though many may consider me a masochist, that is only on the physical level, I in no way enjoy emotional pain of any kind, and that was Seimi's favourite pain to inflict. It came with the punches and slaps that I would get and it would hurt one hundered times more that those physical mistreatments. But I loved your brother, and I would do anything for him, so I suffered through the pain and when he died a part of me died...though it came back when I found you. I always knew Seimi as being harsh, but whenever I would watch him with you, or when he would speak of you, his voice was so gentel and his actions so kind and loveing, that I would always think that there was no way in heaven or hell that this could be the man that constantly tormented me. I would fall in love all over again." When he had finished I was in shock, it was scary to think of my brother as someone who would ententioanlly

harm another. It had made me sick to my stomache and I often thought about how hard it must have been for Soubi to come to me. I look so much like Seimi that Soubi had to have dark thoughts every now and then. Thoughts like...'will Ritsuka turn out to be a harsh master as well.' Well I would have to show him that I would never be like

my brother, I would never hurt him intentionally...never. A bit bored I grab my notebook and start writing...I like to write poetry, I might not be able to draw, but a drawing is absolute, once a picture is drawn and compleated it leaves no room alteration no room for anything to change, with a poem your imagination can take you where you can see only what you want to see, with a poem nothing but the words are conrete. The words sometimes come hard and sometimes they flow out of me like a waterfall. Like now and I can feel my eye lids start to get heavy I'm drifting off but I haven't finished writing yet. The world turns black as I fall asleep lulled by Soubi's soft breathing my head falls on his bare chest and I'm swept away to dream land to a world were its just me and Soubi and nothing can touch us nothing can hurt us. It another world were I can be there for him. He is human to.

Soubi's POV

I awoke suddenly, and for a moment I didn't know where I was, it was dark and the clock to my left read twelve in the morning. I was contemplating getting up and getting something to drink but there was a weight on my chest looking down I saw Ritsuka fast asleep on me. He must've fallen asleep not long after I had. I smile and run a hand lightly over his ears...so kawii. A smuged fallen angel, a young boy who bleeds just as easily as I do. During the early years I wanted nothing more than to protect him, and I kept failing over and over again. But at a moment like this when I can hold him so securly to me, it almost makes up for all those time that he was hurt. Nothing ever will entirely make up for it but Ritsuka doesn't seem to care. Even if that is the case I care. And I want to make up for it in anyway that I can. In times like these I fall even more in love with my little master.

Loveless, I think to myself. What a cruel name. I know for a fact that my master is capable of loveing another, but it was his destiny not to...a destiny that I worked hard everyday to help the young man avoid. He did nothing to deserve not to be loved. Before me, Ritsuka said that Seimi was the only one who ever loved him. The thought of Seimi being able to love is foreign to me. Foreign painful thoughts of all I gave to my master...NO! Ritsuka is my master now. Not Seimi. Glancing around the room I noticed a smallnote book lieing wide open...it was Ritsuka's poetry book picking it up I noticed a small poem and at the top in fancy english was 'Blood Tears'I smiled Ritsuka was unbelievable writer, at times I envyed him, you can only potray so much through a picture or a painting but with words there are a thousand possiabiliteis. I slowly read the beautiful words. The more I read the more I wanted to read. I flipped to the first page that had 'To Soubi' on it and began to read. .

Blood Tears

It always hurts at first, as it tears

the ripping sound like music to my ears.

Stare as the blood drops form, like tears, red red tears

more and more, slashing

in every open spot and then you stop

Stare in disbeleif as you regain your senses

blood covering and burning always burning

Never stops never ends.

The burning like fire

posion thorns of hell's desire.

The burning and now the tears.

The blood and now your fears.

Cover cover hold them tight, keep

away from prying eyes.

Fake a smile hide a sigh living your daily lie.

And then at night take up your knife, cut away

the days strifes. Smile, smile as blood tears form,

Blood tears runnng down your arm,

as you prepare for the burning and the sighs.

And now your learning. Smell the blood,

smell the fears taste the collecion of bitter tears...run

faster faster the knifes your master.

Can't get away, wanna get away.

Searching, searching always searching for a way

to ease the burning your knife was forged in hells fire.

The desire...more than you can bear.

So take up your mask write out your lies, hide your face

from prying eyes. Smile some more they'll never know.

Your arms cry blood tears, and your heart burns.

I was in awe it was beautiful the words, they were all beatiful silenty I turned the page. And continued to read...

Distortion

Looking in a mirror staring at the monster infront of me;

this monster that is a diformity...that is me.
Can't stand this thing I've become

Can't stand the thing I was.

Forever haunted as a fleeting memory

Numb fingers stretching, searching,

for a sign of perfection, the feel of a bone.

The call of a tear from some place unknown.

The sigh of an angel as it falls from grace,

to this worldly hell bound place.

Cold skin cold as night, under the torturous

blade of the knife.

Under the knife, under my mind

In the mid-night sky the tourtures of pain.

The shreik of a demon, cold down my spine.

The knowledge of sin, of pain for all time.

Of payment for wrong things,

I've never done.

Now I feel the wrath I've set upon myself.

Nothing sweeter than self-inflicted pain.

Starving, but I feel nothing, not the want that I should.

I'm withering now, a mere corpse in the ground.

But you'll not see me, cos no one can see me now.

Paper thin, wasted away.

A monster still that lives in me.

Nothing now.

And you can't see, see the thing

That I'll always be.

Alone in the world only I live in.

And you'll never see me.

I can't breath, I'm drowing in the air.

Some one pick me up get me out of here.

This wasted corpse, in un-holy ground

never wanting to be found.

Some part of the sanity

That still dwells within me,

Screaming for a chance

to live among the living.

Small and frail,

fragile and free,

free only from the things

that comfort me.

The wrath of the Gods, as my body withers away.

The sweet, sweet pain,

And feeling of dismay.

Nothing now can save me, cos theres nothing wrong.

I've become what I wanted,

What I despise.

You can't understand;

And I don't expect you to.

The feeling of freedom, when flesh touches bone.

The emptiness inside of me, only

grows.

There is no pain, cos I feel nothing now.

My hollow body, never to be found.

You don't see

I don't want you to understand me.

There are things that you don't need to know.

But I can't feel what I've done.

Flesh bound tight, this demon of night.

Secret disgueis, a facade

and lies.

Hiding from you what

you never knew.

What you never saw.

Did you guess that maybe it was this way.

Did you notcie anything.

Are you blind.

Cause you couldn't see me changing.

You always said you cared for me

you went as far as loving me.

But you couldn't see me dieing

I don't think you cared for me like you said you did.

And I know you lied to me.

Theres is nothing you can do

To save me now

And I know you can see me leaving.

Cause I'm so tired of living.

Tired of being the one you'll never see.

Tired of you never being there.

I live my life in fear.

Can you see now,

The open wounds cut deep in my flesh.

Bleeding freely,

nothing can stop it now

This is the way its going to be now.

I've ended it, cause you were

wearing me down anyway.

I withered away

and you never saw

cause you were blinded

to what was me.
Do you mourn now that I am gone

Do you laugh and my being so weak?

Cause as I sit here deep in hell,

I'm laughing at you,

you see.

Cause I knew that I would someday be free.

And though my body weighed in at ninty-five pounds,

at the gates of hell.

You would never see it,

no you would never see

what it was that you had done to me.

Agony and Ecstasy pain and pleasure at the same time both of these things were poured into the words on this paper I could barely breath as I turned the next page and the next untill I came to the end...each word stole my breath.

Her son

Laughter gave way to silence unable to rise above the sickening

sound of a knife tearing through flesh and agonizing screams.

And then there was nothing, nothing could shatter

that over whelming, deafening silence that tore at my heart like a monster at its cage.

Time was frozen and my heart with it.

My blood was as cold as Ice.

Nothing could I feel anymore, a slow agonizing death of my spirit raged through me,

like a wildfire spreading through a summer dry forest.

Death was coming on swift demon wings to claim my bloody stained heart.

The knife dropped to the floor next to the hand I had torn it from, the woman lie there in death in agony, I had killed

her as she had tried to kill me many times before.

I had killed the one who once held me so dearly, her death on my hands.

Her throat was an open wound gushing forth the blood like a red syrup waterfall.

Nothing could justify what I had done.

Her life ended by me, her son.

Memory

And the memory of his kiss,

always in my mind

every second of every day

every miserable day of my life.

Burning and I can't stop these tears from flowing.

Its kinda funny now. Its my fault I lost him.

And I hate myself even more for ever thinking

I could get him back.

'Memory' was the last thing that was in the notebook or so I though, my heart was having trouble beating, these poems were painful and beautiful but what I saw next tore me up. It was I page that was not a poem it was just his thoughts on the poem Her Son. That one I have to admit was a bit disturbing. It read 'I don't know why I wrote that poem, Her son, it was just something off the top of my mind, maybe somewhere deep inside of me I had always imagined killing my mother because of what she did to me, but now that I think about it I know I would never be able to. I love her so much, I guess I'm just writing this to make myself feel better whatever'.

The young man portrayed his feelings through his pen as I did my brush. I can write poetry but I don't have a muse for it like Ritsuka does. The young man on my chest gave a small whimpering sound I looked down at my little lover, his face was contorted with what looked like the manifestation of a nightmare. His brow was crumpled and there was a deep frown set upon his features. I watched for a sign that would indicate that I should wake Ritsuka up, and it came the younger man cried out my name in intense pain, longing and begging.Startled I couldn't move and Ritsuka sat up looking around the room in relief that he was here and not where ever the dream world had taken him. His eyes settled on the me still statled and lunged at me. I held him and while I did I felt something wet covering my bare skin. I looked down sure enough Ritsuka was crying but he was also bleeding from a large wound that complety covered his neck. I grabbed the small towl by the bed and wiped off the blood what I saw next terrified me. Around my young masters neck was the thorns that also covered my neck the thorns that Seimi had carved there himself. This was a bad omen, it had to be. Ritsuka had stopped crying and I lifted his face up. Asking a silent question but doubting I would get an answer, I wanted to know what the dream had been about but if my suspicions were accurate then Ritsuka would not remember. And he didn't he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. All I could do was smile sadly and hold him tight to me. If this was what I thought it was this was going to be bad. Ritsuka had stopped shakeing by now and was now trying to collect his thought. I knew it was disorenting, I suddenly felt glad he had already graduated it would be hard to explain this.