So I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and thought it was hilarious dumb fun, emphasis on dumb. So I decided to write an alternate ending to it, cause why not?

Several what ifs here: What if the main characters were not as dumb, what if that blonde biker guy rode his bike with Chrissie instead of leaving it like an idiot and what if Eric's escape plan actually succeeded.

Enjoy.

Eric had no idea what the hell he was doing.

All he knew was that Bailey was stealing the tow truck, Dean was running for his life to wherever and he was barely holding the urge to piss himself in front of the crazy "sheriff" holding a shotgun to his face.

"Do it you pansy mother fucker! Shoot me!" he yelled, pressing his forehead deeper into the dark barrel. He knew this son of a bitch was more than willing to shoot him, but the redneck stayed his finger, keeping it away from the trigger as he growled.

"Get out of the way, boy."

"Shoot me you mother fucker!" he yelled back, grabbing the barrel of the shotgun and directed it dead center onto his forehead. All he had to do was buy Dean and Bailey some time to get the truck around, even if it meant him dying to help them. Despite this ecouragement, the old veteran's finger stayed off the trigger as he shook his head, his already sinister grin growing wider.

"I ain't finished with you yet."

Hoyt then placed a hand to his ear, seemingly waiting for a signal of sorts to sound. In the few seconds he held this position, Eric's mind raced many a plan. The one that kept kicking him in the brain stem was to deck this guy in the balls and take off. However he quickly realized this plans faults when he put together the fact the crazy bastard would probably be wearing a cup or something, planning for exactly that. He instead went with his still developing plan B.

While the old bastard foolishly let his guard down, Eric tightened his grip on the gun and yanked hard. This caught the old man by surprise, his killer instincts telling him to pull back. However, he was too slow. Eric turned the gun around just in time to see Hoyt going for his pistol and, in response; Eric shot him in his right leg. The scream he let out sounded like music to Eric as he kept the gun on him, aiming for his head next.

"How does that feel you son of a bitch!?" he yelled mockingly "Why don't you go ahead and do some pushups for me." Eric growled, giving into his lust for revenge. The downed man just looked up at him; his eyes filled with rage the likes of which Eric had never seen.

"Thomas!" he screamed, making another reach for his sidearm. While it wouldn't have taken much straw to break the camel's back, Hoyt had succeeded in adding another pound of hay to Eric's aching back, causing him to immediately pull the trigger, blowing a hole in the sadistic bastards head. All the young veteran felt when he saw blood oozing out of what was left of Hoyt's head was the smirk that crossed his face, his hands grip tighter on the shotgun and his legs kicking it into high gear toward where he saw Dean run.

Thomas lay in wait, watching the trucks every turn as he readied his meat hook for when the pretty lady crossed his path. He could not form much of a plan in his mind, but he knew what his momma wanted him to do, which was to make sure the family stayed safe no matter what. Mentally, he started to count the distance the truck was from him. Fifty feet, turn, forty two feet, thirty feet. And just as he was about to spring into action, a gunshot shook his focus, causing him to look toward the house. With a shake of his head, he focused back on the truck and started to get up, the lady being distracted by the shot as well. Twenty feet, ten feet, five feet.

"Thomas!"

With that, his focus was ripped completely from the truck and he looked back toward the house. His chance passed him by and the lady finally managed to shut the driver door, speeding past the hidden butcher.

"Was brother hurt?" he asked himself mentally as he got up and sprinted toward the house, the bloody hook firm in his grasp.

Dean's heart sank when he heard the first shot, stopping to look back in horror. Did Eric just…? No, he didn't have time to think about that right now. Eric would want him to keep moving no matter what happened to him. He kept his head to the ground, turning to run before he came within an inch of stepping on a barely concealed bear trap, causing him to yelp in panic and jump back.

"Holy shit." He whispered, backing away from the trap as he looked around for more.

"How does that feel you son of a bitch!?" he heard Eric's familiar voice yell, making him turn around, hope rising in his chest as he took a step back toward the shed.

"Thomas!"

The yelling of that sheriff caused him to freeze and the gunshot that followed snapped him out of his fear based trance. He then started to sprint toward the shed as quick as he could, almost bumping into a shotgun holding Eric.

"Eric!" Dean yelled, hugging his older brother tightly, who returned the favor "What the hell happened man? I thought you were dead!"

Eric shook his head "No, but someone you know and love is." He said, pointing toward the corpse of the beloved sheriff. Dean winced at the sight and felt his breakfast rising from his stomach.

"Holy shit man." He gasped, backing away in shock. Seeing his reaction, Eric felt a sense of regret begin to rise in his chest as he looked back at the bloodied corpse. He quickly shook this off, however and put a hand on Dean's shoulder to snap the blonde out of his trance.

"Look man, we need to get out of here before-"he stopped himself when he heard thunderous footsteps getting louder and louder behind him.

"Eric, look out!" Dean yelled as he grabbed his older brother and jumped to the left, the meat hook barely missing the black haired man's head. Eric recovered quickly from the duel tumble and got on one knee, aiming up at the giant killer. He paused when he noticed that the killer's gaze was not on him, but the corpse of Hoyt. The meat hook fell to the dirt and the gargantuan man fell on his knees, cupping his covered face and letting out loud, horrible sounding sobs. At first, Dean and Eric just sat there in shock and confusion as the man continued to cry over the corpse. Eric slowly got to his feet and signaled for Tommy to stay put as he made his way over to the bawling man with shotgun in hand.

For a split second, he thought about not killing him. The guy was in such a horrible state that they could probably get away and he wouldn't notice for days. That quickly changed when he remembered that, oh yeah, this guy just tried to kill him and was in cahoots with everyone else in this crazy family. He raised the gun and aimed at the back of the giant's mangy head.

"Tell me about the rabbits, you mother fucker." He quipped, pulling the trigger and ending the pathetic man's life with a loud bang. Dean just sat there, gulping his fears down his throat as he got up and ran over to Eric. He knew that the humane side of him should be horrified by what just happened, but his pragmatic side pulled stronger on his reasoning. In this hell hole, whether he liked it or not, it was kill or be killed right now.

Eric quickly checked how much ammo he had, counting five shells left in the thing.

"Dean." He called, walking toward his shaking brother "Dean!" the blonde man was snapped back to his senses "Listen, Bailey is somewhere down the road. I want you to go look for her." Sensing that his younger brother was about to call him crazy, he reached down and took Hoyt's six shooter pistol and, after making sure it was fully loaded, gave it to Dean.

"What are you going to do?" the blonde brother asked, holstering the gun in his pocket.

"I'm going to wait here for Chrissie, she probably followed us. When you meet up with Bailey, come back here and pick us up. Okay?" Eric said, smiling when his brother nodded. He could not imagine how much shit this was for him to take in, what with the biker chick with the sawed off, them killing a cow with their car, the crazy cop and that ogre looking giant. He knew his younger brother was strong, he just hopped he didn't have any mental scars like he did after this mess.

Eric watched his younger brother limp down the dirt road, a part of him scolding himself for not going with him.

"Murderer!"

The word was screamed by what sounded like a dyeing witch and he quickly turned around, weapon at the ready. He was surprised when he saw an old woman charging at him with a knife, so surprised in fact that he didn't fire right away, giving her enough time to leap at him and stab him in the shoulder. He screamed in pain, losing his grip on the shotgun as it fell to the dirt. The woman didn't go for the gun, but instead pulled out the knife and went for another blow. Eric managed to fight through the pain and grabbed her wrist, the pain decreasing his strength enough to where she began to overpower him. The struggle brought them to the ground, Eric barely keeping the knife away from his throat during the fall.

"You killed my boys you bastard!" She screamed at him, using both her hands to inch the knife closer to the man's throat. Eric managed to work his foot under her and kicked her off. While she struggled to get up, Eric quickly grabbed the shotgun and took aim, hoping she would stand down. As expected, she paid no mind to her self preservation instincts and started to charge at him again, ending with a loud bang that made a bloody hole through her chest and sent her flying toward her son's dead bodies. All that could be heard afterwards was the older brother's gasping for air.

"Shit, man." He sighed, looking up at the stairs to see a bald glasses wearing man. Oh no, not more.

"Oh my God, sis!" he yelled, seeing his sister's corpse among his two adoptive nephews. He looked up at Eric, who was now aiming at him. "What'd they ever do to you!?"

Eric could not help but laugh at that question

"Really? You want a list, grandpa?" he asked sardonically "How about they tried to fucking kill us, that good enough for you?"

A standoff ensued, Eric hoping he didn't have to kill anyone else. As they stared each other down, the really fat lady who made a really good door blocker came up behind him, having the same reaction to the pile of bodies and the man aiming at gun at her. After another five seconds of silence, Monty spoke up.

"Look, I didn't like what they were doing anyway! I was about to turn them all in, I swear!" he said, dropping to his knees.

"Me too!" said the big lady, backing away from door.

"Yeah, I'm sure you were." The veteran said, going over to Hoyt's corpse and digging around his pockets until he found a set of cars keys. He mentally smacked himself, why didn't he think of this before he told Dean to run off? His walk to the police car was interrupted by a bullet that just barely buzzed passed his head.

"Holy shit!" he yelled, ducking behind the car. His breath quick from his near death experience, he peeked around the corner and saw a blonde guy in a leather jacket and sunglasses making his way over with a revolver in hand.

"Which one of you fuckers took my girl!?" he yelled, pointing his weapon at the police car and then toward the two in the doorway. He then lay eyes on the bodies "Oh my damn."

"Don't shoot him! It was-"a female voice that Eric recognized said and stopped herself upon seeing the pile of bodies in the front yard "…them."

"Chrissie?" Eric called out, poking his head out from behind the car. Chrissie gasped at the sight of her boyfriend and ran over to him, hugging him tightly.

"Thank God you're alright, Eric! What happened?"

"It's a long story, let's just get the fuck out of here." He said, exhausted and so done with this shit. They both hopped in the car and took off down the road, leaving the confused but still angry biker behind.

"You two related to these folks?" he asked, adjusting his sunglasses. They both nodded their heads shakily "Works for me." With two precise shots, he ended their lives and, upon finding his girlfriend's body in the basement, preceded to burn the house and the bodies to the ground in his rage, ending the Hewitt family legacy before it even began. The land was later bought by a farmer, who brought life back to Travis County by growing his prized corn and wheat, spurring the creation of a festival known as "The Texas Cornshuck Massacre." Nobody bothered to tell him how dumb it sounded.

"You know what?" Eric said, driving down the long stretch of Texas road in the tow truck after meeting up with Dean and Bailey.

"What?" asked Dean.

"Fuck Vietnam, I'm going to go to the Bahamas."