MODERN FAMILY
"Lean On Me"
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
1 - INT. CAMERON & MITCHELL HOUSE – DINING ROOM – MORNING
Mitchell is hurriedly piling his laptop into his computer bag at the dining room table. Cameron enters the room carrying Lily and a color swatch.
CAMERON
(waving the color swatch)
It's patio time! The construction crew
should be here any minute.
MITCHELL
That's today? Did we even
agree on the colors?
CAMERON
The furniture is cocoa.
The trim is rococo.
Cameron starts to dance with Lily while rhyming.
CAMERON
Cocoa. Rococo. Makes me loco.
MITCHELL
Please stop.
Mitchell looks out window and sees truck with the name: Construccion Azteca on the side. Eight workers are crammed into the truck's cab and trailer.
MITCHELL
They're here. And seatbelt safety is
clearly not a priority.
(SFX: doorbell rings.)
CAMERON
Meet the crew.
Or I'll switch to haiku.
Mitchell sighs, closes his PC bag and follows Cameron.
2 – INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – KITCHEN – MORNING
Claire is packing lunch bags and Luke and Alex are seated at the island eating breakfast. Phil is rummaging through cereals in a cupboard above sink.
PHIL
(pulling out a bright coloured box)
Chocolate Frosted Daddy-O
Supremes! I haven't had these
in a while.
Phil pours cereal into his mouth
LUKE
Isn't that the one that
had weevils in it?
Phil chokes on cereal as he tries to spit it out. Haley sticks her head into the kitchen.
HALEY
I'm ready to go.
CLAIRE
That's great news. Now sit and eat.
You can wait like everyone else.
Haley stays in doorway. Phil throws cereal box in garbage, returns to rummage in cereal cupboard.
ALEX
It's parent/teacher interviews today.
That's why she's avoiding adults.
HALEY
I`m not avoiding adults. Just you.
So I don`t catch ugly disease.
CLAIRE
Girls, please stop. Nobody`s getting
ugly on my watch.
PHIL
(pulling out a different cereal box)
(To Luke)
Hey buddy, this one`ll put hair
on your chest.
Phil pours cereal on table for Luke to eat, throws a handful of cereal in his own mouth. Continues to eat cereal.
CLAIRE
Phil, could you take the kids to
school today?
(Luke checks inside top to see if he has any hairs on his chest)
LUKE
How long does it take?
PHIL
Not right away, buddy! Give it some
time.
ALEX
Like about ten years. Twenty,
in your case.
CLAIRE (interrupting)
Phil, can you take the kids to school?
And could you eat your cereal out of a
bowl? Maybe use a spoon?
Phil tries to answer but his words are mangled by a mouthful of cereal.
PHIL
(choking sounds)
LUKE
That's so cool!
(Puts cereal in his mouth and tries to talk, spitting on Alex)
ALEX /CLAIRE /HALEY
Ewwwww.
ALEX (flicking food off herself)
That is so juvenile!
3 – PHIL AND CLAIRE INTERVIEW – COUCH
CLAIRE
I always wanted a big family. Now
I can't quite remember why…
PHIL
Really? You told me you wanted to
show your parents that you are
capable of being a responsible -
Claire shoots Phil a look, shutting him up.
CLAIRE
I mean, we totally love them. But
it's a lot of work.
PHIL
Yeah, and we end up doing without a lot so
we can give the kids stuff. If we
didn't have three kids, I could
have a sports car. No Luke. Yes Maserati.
Claire looks at him.
PHIL
Kids are better.
4 – INTERIOR – JAY AND GLORIA'S HOUSE – KITCHEN – MORNING
Manny and Gloria are eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Jay enters the kitchen.
JAY
Today's the day. Lou's gonna call
and tell me if I won.
GLORIA
That Lifetime prize?
JAY
The California Lifetime Achievement Prize.
GLORIA (trying not to laugh)
The CLAP?
JAY
This is a big thing.
MANNY
Aren't the winners usually dead?
A lifetime is a life time.
JAY
Forget the lifetime part.
Focus on achievement.
Jay pours himself a coffee in a giant mug with the words "World's Greatest Dad" on it.
JAY
Do you think there's a mug with
"World's Second Greatest Dad"
on it?
MANNY
Do you go into some kind of
businessman's Hall of Fame?
JAY
There is no museum. But some
very famous people have gone
before me.
MANNY (excited)
Like who? Bill Gates?
Steve Jobs?
JAY
Remember Barney Goldman? He won
it three years ago.
Gloria and Manny nod no.
JAY (cont'd)
He runs an import business?
GLORIA
What's the name of the company?
JAY
Barney Goldman Imports.
Gloria and Manny nod no again.
JAY
I don't trust the guy anyway.
Cheap imports. Even his German
Shepherd was from China.
GLORIA
You know, Manny won an award once.
When he was seven, the village
gave him award for inventing a
whistle that only the
goats could hear. You were so
little, but you loved the goats.
JAY
So how did that work out?
MANNY
We had to stop using it when all
the village goats heard it and
stampeded the main street.
GLORIA
(tweaking Manny's cheek)
But still, we were so proud of
your invention.
JAY
Yeah. My kid: the "goat whisperer".
Jay holds up his Greatest Dad coffee mug in salute.
5 - JAY AND GLORIA INTERVIEW - COUCH:
JAY
The California Lifetime Achievement
Prize. It's kind of like the
Oscars for business. It's a long,
boring show, where everyone
gets drunk. And if you give a
bad speech, they'll never let you
forget it.
GLORIA
You will do fine, Jay – how do you say
it: you will "pass the mustard".
JAY
When Goldman won, he had them laughing
and crying in the aisles. They're still
raving about it.
GLORIA
I can help you write it.
I see you every day, working like a dog
on his bone.
JAY (trying to be serious)
Working like a dog on my bone?
GLORIA
Yes, your bone is like your peoples. You
love your peoples and that keeps your
business alive.
JAY
Thanks, honey, but I should probably
have some "peoples" help who were there
at the beginning.
(SOTTO)
And who know 'peoples' isn't a real word…
GLORIA
Oh, you would prefer your ex-wife to
help write it?
JAY
No, she wasn't there either.
6 – EXT. CAMERON & MITCHELL HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY
Mitchell & Cameron are greeting the construction crew, who all carry their construction gear.
CAMERON
Hola! I'm Cameron and this
is Mitchell. We're very excited to
meet you all.
(CONTINUING TO SHAKE HANDS WITH OTHER WORKERS)
Hola, hola…
MANUEL
Hola. ¿Habla español?
CAMERON
(hesitating)
Español? Peco… dillo…
While continuing to shake with one hand, Cameron demonstrates 'little bit' with thumb & index finger of the other…
CAMERON
Does it matter? Uh, el …importa …tu?
Manuel forcibly removes himself from Cameron's handshake, and pulls out contract – points to section on the paper.
MANUEL
Espanol. Concordo…
Mitchell takes the paper and reads the contract. Looks at Cameron.
MITCHELL
(to Cameron)
You signed a legal document that
says you speak Spanish?
7 - CAMERON & MITCHELL - INTERVIEW – CHAIRS IN LIVING ROOM
CAMERON
I checked off yes because I
didn't want to insult them.
MITCHELL
You also thought you knew Vietnamese
when we went to pick up Lily.
CAMERON
We found that lovely translator and
everything worked out okay.
MITCHELL
Yes. And now we know how to say
"con man" in Vietnamese.
END OF ACT ONE