Guilt
By: chocolate rules
Disclaimer:I own them, and they say hi...lol...thanks to the WB!
Author's Notes:
I was up late east night, and tonight, and i just had to get this out! I had finished watching the pilot, and well this kind of sprung up on me. I don't know how that inspired me, but let's face it 5 days staright of Dean and Sam, anyone's inspired.
Oddly enough, this was supposed to be Dean centered, but it really isn't. It's pretty much Sam centered. But there's parts that make you love Dean even more, if that's even possible, and so this works. Also, I've been sick latly and alot of this might just sound stupid. I think it's cute.
NO SLASH. If you see some, you are really sick. When I've been reeally sick or have woken up so out of it that I don't even recall where I am for a few minutes, I've always had my older sibs to calm me therough it. Granted, I am the youngest, so think what you must.
Anyway, that's you're 'warning'. I like to see it as brotherly love. Okay, it's main;y the fever, but deal.
And, just as a secondary thought, what did you guys think about the teaser. I cried my heart out. I can't wait to have the brothers back new and fresh!
His nightmares bothered them both. The nights were spent uneasy. The millions of thoughts rushing through his mind. Why did his mother die? What killed her? Why did that thing come after Jess? Why did everything seem to hurt him?
Maybe these thoughts were selfish. Maybe they had nothing to do with each other. Maybe they didn't even have to do with him.
Do you even remotely belief that? He asked himself. No, no of course not. He believed it was all his fault. God, he didn't know how but this was all his fault.
Dean had said no. Dean had told him that all of this wasn't his fault. That it had just happened. He reminded Sam that he'd been just a baby when their mother died. And that John, their father, and Dean had also loved her and lost her. That Sam wasn't alone in the pain. But he was alone in the guilt. Dean didn't feel guilt, he just wanted revenge. He just wanted to know that he was doing something against the evil son of a bitch that had taken her away from them.
Sam felt guilt. He felt guilt at not being able to shield Jessica from this horrible life he lead. From her own horrible death. He felt guilty for running out on his family, the only people that had ever truly been their for him. He felt guilty for Dean. Running away from Dean and then, now that they were back together causing all these troubles for Dean. He felt especially guilty over what he'd recently done to his brother. At a momentary moment of insanity, and at lost over control of his own being, Samuel Winchester had shot the one person in the world that would die for him.
He'd die for Dean. He loved his brother more than he would be able to tell him. Or Dean would allow him to tell him. Dean protected him over everything his whole life. He had even taken him away from a burning building, clutching him in his arms as their entire world crushed in front of their young eyes. A new life had been built for them the moment their father came and grasped them both pulling them away from the site.
He loved Dean and knew that without him, he would have been dead in those early stages of his life. And, had he not died there, he would have died soon after. Without Dean, Sam was nothing and knew nothing and could do nothing. All he ever knew came from Dean. Dean never lied to him.
Dean never did lie to him. So why didn't Sam believe him when he said that this wasn't all his fault?
Sam started shivering at all the possibilities that Dean could be wrong. He could be wrong and just not know it. He wouldn't have to lie if he didn't know something. It wasn't like explaining how cars worked, why the stars came out at night, what each constellation meant. It wasn't teaching him how to shoot, or fight, or what kind of demons Dean had battled and won. It wasn't even vaguely close to the sex talk Dean had given him. All of those made sense, all of those were things Dean knew about. But if he didn't know about the thing that had killed Mom or Jesse, then how could he know if Sam was guilty or not?
"Sam, wake up man!" Dean said as he rose from his bed and grabbed his brother's arm. Sam was still shivering, but he wasn't cold. "Sam, wake up!" He said again shaking the arm. Nothing. Dean sighed, sitting on the bed beside Sam, and began shaking the sleeping young man. "Sam! Dude, wake the hell up!" Sam's eyes fluttered slightly and Dean quit shaking him.
"Dean?"
"Who else, Prince Charming?"
"You're the one who thinks he is." Sam said opening his eyes. He began sitting up and looked directly into Dean's eyes. Could Dean really be sure he wasn't at guilt?
"Yeah, but you ain't my type of Princess." Dean said with a grin. Sam punched him softly on the arm. But Dean had accomplished making him smile. "So, you okay?"
"Yeah," Sam said softly, not even sure himself. He hoped that this would go unnoticed by his older brother, knowing full well that if Dean sensed something more and tried to pry it out of him, he'd be able to .
Dean stared at Sam. He was so lying. He was no where near okay. He glanced over at the clock 435 AM. Okay, so I've had a good four hours of sleep. Time to find out what's in Sammy's ever working head.
"What did you dream about?"
"Nothing?"
"Sam."
"It was nothing."
"The longer you lie. The longer this will take."
"Really, it wasn't even a a nightmare."
"'Bout Jess?"
"No." Sam said all but too quick. Dean looked at him more intently. Sam could feel Dean's eyes studying his ever movement. He couldn't even help it when he started to ramble. "Not really."
"Then, what was it about really?"
"Dean." Sam whined.
"Sam, talk now at your own pace, however slow it may be. Or talk later with me beating out the answers from you. Either way, don't even think you're going back to sleep till this is over."
"Dean…" Sam started again.
"Sam, they've been going on for too long. Now, what was this own about?"
"Me." Sam said simply. It was the truth, and he'd said it with a tone that would tell Dean it was the truth. Dean shot out angry, worried glares at Sam. He was obviously not going to make this simple.
"Explain, and don't try your own word meaningless sentence fragments answers, 'cause that'll just get me mad. And it's real early, so you know all you're going to provoke is me beating the truth out of you. And don't think for one second that I won't. Because I so swill, Sammy."
"It wasn't really a nightmare. It was just a… jumble of my thoughts." He paused and looked away from Dean. He knew he'd have to continue, Dean would carry out with his threat. He just didn't know what it was that he was going to tell the elder.
"Sam, it's fucking four in the morning. Easy or hard way, man." Sam nodded, but didn't look up. Maybe, if their eyes didn't meet, he'd be able to lie to Dean.
"Just about how quick my life has changed over the last year."
"Sam!"
"How much I've lost in my life, that kind of thing. It was just a one way journey down depression lane." Dean sighed angrily, Sam hoped he would be able to think of something that would put his brother's mind to ease. Too late, though, as Dean reached over at Sam's bare forearm and pinched him really hard. "Oww!"
"Be glad I'm still tried, next you'll find yourself crying uncle on the floor. Speak Sam."
"You jerk."
"You were warned. Now speak." Dean said more forcefully. Sam continued to look down, now with an attention point at the pained spot on his arm. He didn't know what to say. Didn't know what would ward off his big brother or how to explain his fears and guilt and not have Dean call him a chick. Dean reached over and this time pulled Sam's ear. He was being gentle in all sense seeing how by now Sam would be on the ground, pinned and begging Dean to let him go. He had however, noticed his baby brother's worried eyes as he had wakened and his cautious effort to try and play all this off as nothing by evading eye contact. Sam looked up again in pain. Dean just shifted his head in a I'm-not-leaving-this-alone manner. "Warning number two. Don't make me go further."
But Sam continued to look down. He continued to try and shield his dreams. But why shield them from Dean, whatever it was Dean could take it. If he could handle the nightmare Sam had poured out over the last month for shooting Dean, he could take whatever it was that was bothering his Sammy. He just needed Sam to understand him. To see how all that Dean wanted to do was help him out.
"Whatever it is, Sam, no matter how stupid you'll sound or how much like a girl you think it'll make you seem. Just say it. Then, I can help you." He reached over at his younger sibling again and this time pulled his head up to make him meet his eyes. The big brown pair were filled with tears that were fighting to stay in.
Dean edged closer to Sammy. He sat beside him and began rubbing his back in circular motions. Trying to coax the worries out of Sam, like he'd done so many times when they were kids. Trying to get all of Sam's worries out of his head so he, Dean, could battle them for him. He felt the young man begin to sob and could practically see the tears streaming down Sam's face. Good, the shields are broken. "Sammy, tell me your dream."
"That…" Sam began through the sobs. He couldn't believe this was happening. He knew it would, it was still Dean after all. Dean was the only person in the whole world and all its parallels that could break Sam. Dean had always known what to say or do to make Sam do things. Dean was the only person Sam could trust. Even Jessica hadn't known everything about him. But Dean did. If anyone was going to help him, tell him how foolish his thoughts were, and bring him back to reality, it was Dean. It was always Dean. So, it really came as no real surprise to Sam, that Dean would break him. He knew these guilt trips would kill him if he didn't say them, so why even try. Dean had broken him and everything was coming out, whether Sam tried or not. "That it's all my fault."
"Sammy?"
"Everything. That Mom's death and Jesse's death. That thing that killed them. That everything that ever came after us as kids. That everything that Dad ever killed, that everything you ever killed were after me." The tears were raining down his eyes and Sam couldn't stop them. He wouldn't even try. He wouldn't even try to stop the words escaping his lips to stop. Everything would be out now. All his pain. All the guilt. He took a deep breath and tried to steady it unsuccessfully.
Dean, who was now beside Sam, noticed his brother's ramble. He knew not to interrupt, knew that if he did the young man would find it rather difficult to start up again. He continued to rub Sam's back, silently pushing Sam to continue.
"It's all my fault! Mom died over my bed. Jess…Jessica wouldn't had died had she not met me. Dad wouldn't be on this crusade. You'd have a normal life. You wouldn't have to be saving my ass everyday. If I'd,……. if I'd never been born, you'd still have Mom. Dad would still have Mom. You'd all be a family and I would never of ruined it. See, Dean, every evil thing wants the same thing. To end me. Maybe, it's about time we let them." Sam had whispered most of this last revelation. He hadn't of wanted to say any of it. He hadn't wanted Dean to hear any of it, but he'd been broken, and when you're broken you can't control what you say.
"Oh, Sammy. No. Don't think that." Dean said. Sitting so close, Dean had heard every word. And each had had torn at him. How was Sam capable of such thought. How dare these thoughts get into his brother? He had stopped soothing Sam's back and had become frozen and Sam's tears were all out now. Sam could barely see through them.
Sam looked over at his older brother. He knew that the words had hurt him to hear it. He couldn't see Dean too well, but he could make out his eyes. Dean's eyes were glazed with tears that Dean himself had yet to notice. But Sam saw them. And he hated himself more because of them. How could he cause Dean more pain? Why did he allow himself to keep hurting his brother?
"Sammy, listen to me. Really listen. Mom died over your crib, probably because she died protecting you. I don't doubt that for one second, and don't you either. She loved you so much Sam. There's no way you weren't going to be born, 'cause she wanted a big family. You were a baby, a baby okay. So don't let me ever hear you think you that you killed her when you didn't. That thing that killed her did. Got it ?" Dean said. He was soft spoken, but very firm with every word he said. He knew Sam would listen and he had to make him believe it. Sam nodded softly, eyes still locked with Dean's.
Dean wiped away the tears that were again forming in Sam's eyes. He couldn't believe he baby brother, now a young man, actually believed that as a baby he was responsible for his mother's death. He just couldn't grasp the idea. But he'd made Sam see it wasn't, so he'd move on to the other worried mentioned.
"Sam?"
"Um."
"How many times am I going to have to tell you," Dean continued. His hands on Sam's face, making the boy focus on him. "that in no way is Jessica's death your fault. That even if you had told her who you were or what you did, hell even if you'd told her about your dreams, you probably wouldn't have been able to stop it. The things not after you, Sam. Please get that. It's not your fault, okay? Stop even pretending that it is." Sam's tears were slowing down now. He nodded more surely this time. He had stopped sobbing and had fully focused on what Dean had been saying. The guilt slowing, very slowly and very hesitantly, melting away.
"Good," Dean said with a soft grin. Not the one he gave the ladies or the cops or the mischievous one. A real, honest to God, grin. The one's that had Sam grin back in spite of himself.
"Now, the really important part." Dean said as he took a deep, quivering breath. He released Sam's face and looked down at his hands, just as a few tears fell into them. He took a few more quick breaths before wiping away the tears and looking back again to his little brother. "Sam, don't you ever think you don't belong in this family." And Dean's tears began to silently fall again. He knew it was no good to wipe them away, knew that Sam had already seen them forming before he had realized they had been there. Knew they would make Sammy understand.
"Sam, you're the only reason this 'family' hasn't vanished in its entirety. I could have been placed in an orphanage and Dad would of gone looking for the thing that killed Mom. But with you around, the thought of separating us, and him leaving us, didn't let him. I wouldn't have any family if it wasn't for you, Sammy. I mean look at me now. Hell, I've got no freaking idea where Dad is. And the only times I can remember about Mom are her getting ready to have you. It made her really happy. You made her really happy.
"If you never existed, I'd have no reason to learn to fight off anything. I learned to protect you. Not because things are after you, Sam, but because we after things. Things get you and always have, because you are younger and weaker, but in no means does that mean you're weak. I wouldn't have gone to get you for help if you were weak. The best memories of my childhood, if you can call it that, were spent with you Sammy. Some with Dad too, but mostly you. The ones with Dad usually involve me learning a new skill. But that's never how things were with you.
"Don't feel guilty for being alive. I'm glad you're here. I'm not glad you've had to suffer. I've done my best to keep that from ever happening, but some things are inevitable and you're growing up and I can't protect you from everything. But I can protect you from your own stupid thoughts. Especially those that make you doubt you're role in this family. I know you're different, and I'm glad for it. Heck, if it'd been just me and Dad growing up, I'm pretty damn sure I'd be dead by now."
"I'm sorry, Dean."
"For what?"
"Everything."
"If you mean everything that I just spent like an hour telling you you had no fault in, I'm going to beat you."
"No, for leaving, for not calling. For everything back at the Asylum."
"Sam, let's not bring that up now. I already spent like two weeks convincing you that I understand and I'm okay with all that. Let's not back track now, buddy."
"Dean." Sam said, wiping away the last remaining tears.
"What?"
"What if we learn that it is my fault?"
"It's not. I don't care what we learn. It's not."
"Dean."
"Sam, there's no one else here, just talk."
"Do you think that Dad blames me? That that's why he hates me so much?"
"Sammy, Dad doesn't hate you. You know that. Stop being stupid. He loves your crazy ass as much as I do."
"Dean?"
"Sam, there is seriously something wrong with you little brother." Sam smiled.
"Think Dad ran away from us?"
"Hope not. 'Cause then this whole road trip is a real waste of time."
"No, I don't think it's a waste of time. I actually like being back with you. Feels right, know what I mean?"
"Weirdly enough, yeah"
"Dean, why are you still crying?"
"Don't know."
"Think we'd be this close if Mom was still alive?"
"Don't know. We'd be close, sure, but we wouldn't have to depend on each other to live to see tomorrow."
"Yeah. Hey, Dean?"
"What is this now, twenty questions?"
"Think it'll ever end?"
"Evil? No, evil will never end. Our part in killing the bitches. Yeah."
"Really?"
"Sammy. I love what I do, mainly because I can't see myself doing anything else. I mean, I remember before this I wanted to be a great baseball or football player. But that's because me and Dad would play all the time. Afterwards I never really thought about it. I would rather die fighting than in some damn hospital bed, but I just can't see a fifty or sixty year old me walking with a cane after a werewolf or something, you know?"
"Dean, fifty's not that old. You're half way there."
"Hey, I don't appreciate that!" Dean said with a smile as Sam let out a soft laugh. The thoughts were being pushed back into remission. His guilt caressed into silence once more.
"And Sam."
"Yeah."
"I don't want to be normal, that's all you, man." He said with a dashing grin. Sam returned it.
"Yeah, Dean, God forbid you have something in common with every other being on the planet!"
"Exactly!" Dean said rising from Sam's bed. He started to slip underneath the covers when he heard Sammy's little plea call him back.
"Yeah."
"At the risk of you saying how stupid this is or sounding completely childish and girly…"
"Something that has totally been avoided the last few hours." Dean said smiling from his bed, he could see Sam though the light coming in from the window. Sam smiled softly back.
"Can I…"
"What, Sam?"
"Can I sleep with you tonight? I mean you don't have to say yes or anything, just a thought. Actually, I'm not even sure why I asked. Never mind. Night." Dean could see him settle down on his bed.
"Sam." Dean said standing up. Sam reopened his eyes.
"Yeah."
"Scoot over, baby. And we better sleep for the next five hours. I swear I'll kill the next thing that wakes me up before the sun."
Sam laughed as he edged over. Dean grabbed his pillow and lied down beside his baby brother.
"Thanks, Dean."
"No problem, Sammy. Long as we're sleeping."
"Hey, Sam."
"Uh huh."
"Don't feel guilty bout nothing, okay? It wasn't you're fault. And I'll beat the crap out of you or any demon that makes you think otherwise. Got it ?"
"Uh huh." Sam said. He wouldn't have anything to worry about now though. With Dean, everything seemed to stay away. He could actually relax and feel safe with Dean around. He unconsciously curled up beneath Dean's arm, resting his head on his older brother's shoulder and allowed himself to relax. Dean's protective arm wrapped around Sam and he knew he couldn't be in a safer place in all the world and its parallels, like Dean had once told him. And Dean never lied to him.
Within seconds Sam was asleep and for the next five hours he knew he'd be soundly sleeping. Dean had warned the supernatural and normal world to stay away and things usually went the way Dean wanted them to.
A/N: I had like five different endings for this, tell me which one to keep:
1-After Dean tells Sam he doesn't want to be normal and Sam smiles.
2-After Dean says "Exactly!"
3- When Dean lies down.
4-After Dean says, "Long as we're sleeping."
5- Sam's second "Uh huh."
6-After: Dean never lied to him.
7-The original ending.
Yeah, like I said, fever + pilot + long night me reading way into things. Tell me hich is the best, and i'll fix it! Thanks!
As if it needed to be said, please review! Thanks for reading!