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A/N: Hey, this is Dobby! This fic is dedicated to Winky; may she recover from her major hangover. Remus fic, thoughts, some memories and yes, believe it or not, some laughter.
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The pain is so intense, so all-consuming that I no longer know where I am…white-hot knives are piercing every inch of my skin, cutting down to the bone marrow…my head feels like it's going to burst…I'm screaming louder than I have ever screamed in my life…
You may have realized that I have just described the effects of the Cruciatus Curse, one of the three Unforgivable Curses. Yes, it has been cast on me before. It was done by Fenrir Greyback, the one to whom I owe my current state.
No, I have not been tortured into insanity. I have been bitten. I am a werewolf.
Anyway, I described the Cruciatus Curse before to give you an idea of what a werewolf transformation feels like. Think Cruciatus along with the prickling sensation of fur growing all over and the pain of a throat-tearing howl at the moon when you're done.
If you have not gone through it, you cannot possibly imagine how it feels. And if you have, then I sincerely feel for you.
Besides the actual transformation, the worst thing about being a werewolf is the urge to bite something. I would never forgive myself if I bit another person, cursed them with my Dark disease. That is why it is arranged for me to transform each month in the Shrieking Shack, in Hogsmeade.
Because I cannot bite anyone else, I bite myself, even though the pain is terrible. My transformations were hell for me, a sort of monthly torture. They were nearly unbearable until my fifth year when my friends finally managed to become Animagi and accompany me.
My friends… James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew are my best friends and better friends you could not ask for. They are brave, honest, intelligent, determined and above all loyal. I was terrified that they would ditch me once they found out what I was…but in our second year, they realized my – literally – Dark secret. Instead of abandoning me, they resolved to become Animagi and accompany me at the full moon.
Ever since I had been bitten, I was shunned from wizarding society; no wizarding primary school would let in a werewolf, so I had to go to a Muggle one. I was ostracized there, much the same as Muggle-born witches and wizards but perhaps more so. Strange things happened around me, signs of my magic, and I was always absent the day before the full moon, only to return exhausted the two days later.
I had almost given up any hope of being a wizard; almost accepted the fact that I would know about the wizarding world but would never truly be part of it.
The Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore was the one who made it possible for me to come to Hogwarts and lead an almost normal life. He had the Whomping Willow passage built specially for my use.
I don't know how my friends talked me into letting them accompany me. I knew that when I was transformed, I was unstable and could severely injure them even when they were in animal form.
Sometimes I would have horrible nightmares about waking up in a pool of blood and realizing that I'd killed them all. When I confided in them, they soothed my worries and said that I couldn't hurt them. That I wouldn't hurt them. I tried with all my soul to believe them and allowed myself to be comforted, but deep down in my heart of hearts, I knew I would always be dangerous.
Listen to me, brooding like this when the moon is so beautiful. Don't worry, full moon's in three days. I wish I could remember seeing a full moon.
I vaguely recollect a memory of myself and my father sitting on our rooftop. I was sitting on his lap and he was pointing out the various constellations. I was so tired that I had fallen asleep in my father's arms and he had to carry me to bed. I think I was about four years old at the time.
I skip pebbles on the smooth, glassy surface of the steel-grey lake. Soon there are small ripples where the pebbles land. Soon they smooth over again. If I was in the mood, I might even wax poetic about how my life is made up of ripples that I wish would smooth over or something.
I abandoned skipping rocks and huddled on a stone stair beside the boathouse next to the lake. This is my special spot. I have been coming here for quite awhile just to sit and…think. About things.
What would life be like if all our roles were reversed? What if I was a dog Animagus and Sirius a werewolf? What if James was a werewolf? What if everyone in the Marauders were werewolves and we were like this little wolf clan or something? Would Lily still date James if he was a werewolf? Of course she would. That was one question that actually had an answer. Lily wouldn't care, because she loves James just the way he is.
I have never told anyone, but once, on a Marauders' late night stroll, we were being chased by Filch and to avoid him we went into an empty classroom with a large mirror in it.
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"Where are we?" whined Peter, "I'm hungry! I want to go to the kitchens!"
"Shh, Pete," whispered James warily. "Filch might still be around."
Sirius snorted. "Prongs, he looked in this room, but he didn't see us, he's gone, OK?"
I smiled. That was the Marauders for you. Peter: hungry, James: careful, Sirius: impatient.
Peter looked around the room and spotted the mirror. "Hey, guys, look! What's that mirror do?"
We walked over to it and feeling it was relatively safe, pulled off James' Cloak. It was getting a bit squashed under there. Make it very squashed. It is hard to fit four seventeen-year-old boys under one Invisibility Cloak, I tell you.
We saw the four of us in the mirror. Reflections.
Sirius sniggered. "Who would've thought, Pete, it shows our reflection!"
Peter sulked. James was looking curiously at the inscription carved on the ornate golden frame of the mirror. "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi," he read, his puzzlement showing in his face.
Peter stood on the tips of his toes to see it. "What does that mean?"
"Is it in Latin or something?" asked Sirius, turning to me.
I was stumped for a moment, then I remembered my father mentioning something, long ago… "It's a mirror," I said, but Sirius cut me off.
"We got that, Captain Obvious," he said, smirking.
I pretended to be miffed; it was a game we often played. "Well, if you don't want to hear the rest of what I was about to say, then I'm not going to tell you." I sniffed and took my best snooty pose, my nose in the air.
Sirius, James and Peter grinned. "Come on, Moony," whined James. "Tell us! We're sorry, OK? We're really, really sorry!" They all grovelled at my feet (literally) and burst into fake sobs. "Forgive us, Moony! We'll never underestimate your genius again!"
I looked at them sternly, with an eyebrow raised, pretending to push non-existent glasses down my nose. "Do you promise?"
They all stood up. "Nah," said Sirius easily, slinging an arm around my shoulder. "Now tell us, Moony!"
"It's a mirror," I repeated, continuing, "the words on the top; read them backwards."
"I… show not your face but your heart's desire," read James. "Interesting. I can see the four of us. Does this mean my heart's desire is for us to remain as we are?"
I frowned slightly. "I don't think so. I can see that, and I'm prepared to bet that the others can too. We should look in it separately."
Peter gestured towards the mirror. "You go first, Prongs," he said.
James stepped forward until he was right in front of the mirror. He looked into it for a long minute, his eyes widening first, then the ghost of a smile flitting across his face.
"What is it?" I urged, "What do you see?"
James turned around, that odd smile on his face still. "I see myself and Lily. I have my arm around her and we're surrounded by little messy-haired, green-eyed kids."
Sirius snorted. "Surprise, surprise. Who would've thought?"
Peter pushed to the front. "My turn, guys!"
Peter stepped right in front of the mirror and stared. Then he looked at us and stared, his eyes so wide I thought they were going to drop out and his face as white as a sheet. He looked from the mirror to us, again and again.
Sirius was getting impatient, James puzzled, and I was slightly worried. "Pete?" I asked tentatively, "Are you OK? What did you see?"
Peter started as if he had forgotten we were in the room. "Wha-? Oh, yes, I – I'm fine. I just – just a little tired."
"So what did you see?" asked Sirius.
Peter went – if possible – even paler. "Me? Oh, I… I was – was Minister for Magic. Yes, that's definitely what I saw. Yep. Nothing else. Minister." By now, he was rambling and we were all looking at him strangely.
"If you say so," said Sirius, shrugging, stepping forward for his turn.
He looked in the mirror for a while, then let out a bark-like laugh. "I was best man at your wedding, Prongs," he said grinning wolfishly (even though that's my curse), "and I was invited to the bachelor party." He laughed again, then stepped back for my turn. James backed away from Sirius. Sometimes he scared us all.
I stepped forward, wondering what I'd see. Would it be me, standing unchanged under a full moon? Surely it would. Wasn't that my deepest desire?
What I saw in the mirror startled me and, I admit, scared me. I saw myself and Lily, my arm around her, us surrounded by little brown-haired, green-eyed kids. Was this really what I wanted?
No, it couldn't be. Could it?
"Well, Moony?" asked Sirius curiously, "What did you see?"
I looked at them, my gaze lingering on James and how he would feel if I told them what I had really seen. I took a deep breath and lied as easily as I could, "I saw myself standing under the full moon as myself." It was true enough, that was what I thought I had wanted most, but the mirror showed otherwise.
The others nodded seriously, and didn't ask any questions. They realized that it was a sensitive spot.
Soon after this, we went back to bed but I didn't sleep at all. I wondered, what did the mirror mean?
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Obvious, I had snorted to myself later, it had meant that Lily was my heart's desire.
Was she? I wasn't sure.
I carefully analysed my feelings for Lily, probing my own thoughts, trying to be honest with myself.
I loved Lily, just like Sirius and Peter do. She is like a sister to me. I could never love her the way James does.
I don't think it Lily who was my heart's desire, so much as the idea of Lily. The idea that someone would care for me the way James does for Lily, loving me unconditionally, not caring about my 'furry little problem'.
I know now that Lily is not my heart's desire. After that encounter with the mirror, everytime I have talked to Lily, hugged her or watched her do something, I don't see her the way James does. I can see why he loves her, but I would not be able to. I don't love Lily like that.
What I want most is someone like Lily, someone who is my perfect match, my other half. Someone who will be able to handle my 'furry little problem'. Every girlfriend I have had in the past was a forced attempt on the part of James and Sirius to set me up with someone so I could be happier. I never wanted a girlfriend; what if she found out about my 'furry little problem' and rejected me?
I went on those awkward dates for their sake, but was not more than friends with any of those girls. I was reluctant to go on these dates and showed them clearly that I was only doing it to please them. This worried James and Sirius no end, and one time, Sirius even asked me if I fancied blokes.
The look on my face was priceless, they told me later. They had laughed uncontrollably at my expression and once I had gotten over it, I almost cracked a rib, I swear, I was laughing that hard.
Then it became this joke between us and Sirius kept offering to set me up with Reginald Pembroke, one of the more flamboyant and open gays in the school. One time, he even went up to the guy and started to talk, but I put my hand over his mouth and dragged him out of the Great Hall, nodding amiably to Reginald, who was looking at us as if we'd gone crazy.
Anyway, seeing Lily in the mirror got me thinking: what kind of woman would be best for me? Probably someone crazy, because I'm so – or my friends tell me, anyway – down-to-earth. Someone completely bonkers to lift me out of that, someone who wouldn't care about my 'furry little problem' because she's strange enough in her own way. She'd probably have pink hair or something else spastic like that. Oh yeah, she'd be really clumsy as well, so she couldn't laugh when I tripped over or something.
Why am I thinking about this again? The mirror shows only your heart's desire, not the future. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
But it's my hope that this particular dream will come true. That there is some spastic pink-haired girl waiting for me out there. This is one bit of hope that I will cling to.
The other hope I have is somewhat far-fetched, but it's still there.
I looked to the moon. One day, I thought, I'll get away from you. One day, I'll be free.
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A/N: Well? Like the ending? Hate it? Let me know! Review!
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