This was a crazy AU idea that I came up with, and my friend Sydney helped to plot out! Enjoy!
"You need any help... Mama Itachi-san?" Kisame Hoshigaki, teased before breaking out in a deep guffaw.
Itachi Uchiha, age 21, turned slowly over his left shoulder and glared deeply at his teammate. The shark asked in a manner of messing with him; the Uchiha knew he had no intention of helping. He, however, was at his limits. "If you're going to call me that, then drop the honorific you scumbag," The proclaimed 'mama' hissed before turning back to the small infant that was laying in front of him, wriggling around and screaming uncontrollably.
Kisame laughed in spite of the uncharacteristic response from the usually stoic young man. It hadn't been long since 'baby-chan', as they so called the young infant, was thrust onto their team. The ex water ninja still had no idea why Itachi insisted taking the baby with them.
Two weeks ago, the Akatsuki had a rare in-person meeting. All 8 of them had been stuck in a dark cave to talk about the organizations agenda. It had been raining very hard, and after the meeting ended everyone stayed there to avoid having to travel in a horrible thunderstorm. The silence was deafening. Lead an Akatsuki member to battle and he might talk smack for a year, but put them all together and it's one big social disaster. Hidan, the renowned Jashin worshiper, took it upon himself to cause a scene.
"Jashin save me from this fucking cave! Damn!" He whined, earning a glare from his partner.
"Hidan, be quiet," Kakuzu warned, barely sparing a glance to his boisterous partner.
Hidan turned to face the 5-hearted man, obviously fuming. "I'll be quiet if I fucking want to! Jashin spare me from these people!" He whined again.
"Hidan..." Pain spoke up, his eyes piercing straight into those of the Jashin-worshiper. His voice was sharp but calm.
The white haired man flinched and backed farther away from their leader than he already was. However, immediately after reacting as such he made a 'tch' and shook his head. "Whatever. I'm going out for a walk. I can't handle you fuckers anymore. Maybe I can find a sacrifice for Jashin..." He mused, grinning wildly.
Kisame shook his head. "I'd love to see how Leader-sama would punish him," He whispered to his partner, who had his eyes closed.
"Hn," was Itachi's response.
The next hour passed by painfully slow, and the storm had not let up. At this point, everybody had their eyes closed and were in rest positions. Even the most careful of members, Itachi, had let his guard down enough to fully allow his body to rest; something his body seldom received now-a-days. However, the slowly growing sound of piercing cry getting closer to the cave caused him to go back into alert mode. Several other members did so as well. The scream drew nearer and everyone stared at the entrance.
Hidan strode in with a disgusted face. In his arms was a bundle. The sad shriek was coming from the little bundle. "What the fuck do I do with this?!" He yelled, trying to get his voice above the bundle's squalling. "What the fuck is this thing!?"
Deidara grinned at the obviously distressed white haired man. "Hey pass it over here! I think it's one of those sports balls kids play with, un!" He suggested, holding his arms open for a pass.
Jashin's disciple looked the bundle over and made a small noise of approval, satisfied with this answer. "Go long Deidara!" He held it in his arms and tossed the bundle over. Blankets fell everywhere to reveal that the small object was not a sports ball, but it was in fact a baby.
Itachi's eyes shot open in shock. The crying should have been a dead giveaway, even to someone as hard-headed as Hidan. He didn't think he would be stupid enough to throw something that was wailing! In one quick motion, the Uchiha jumped from his seat and intercepted the airborne infant. The baby was now squirming and screaming in his arms. Safe, at least, for now.
Deidara looked irritated. "Hey, Uchiha! What are you doing? I coulda caught that, un."
Itachi didn't say anything and instead cradled the baby gently against him in an attempt to get the red-faced child to calm down. Pain was the first to speak on the situation. "Hidan that is a human baby, not a sports ball."
Hidan shrugged and chuckled. "Well you could use a dead baby as a sports ball."
Konan shook her head in defiance. "We are not killing an innocent baby."
"What do you suggest we do with it then?" Pain inquired, turning to face his partner.
Hidan tore the baby straight from Itachi's cradling arms and held it up under its armpits. The baby, who had a small moment of soft whimpers after being comforted by the Uchiha, broke out into ear-piercing screams. It began to wriggle violently in the white haired man's arms. "You dumb fucking baby," he spat angrily. "Do you think Jashin will take such a sacrifice?"
Kakuzu shook his head. "Hidan you don't have to turn everything you kill into a sacrifice."
"Hey shut up! You're all atheist pigs who don't understand! Jashin will fucking kill all of you!" Hidan screeched, his volume matching that of the crying baby's.
Pain made a low growl. "Everyone shut up," He commanded, earning silence all across the board, with the exception of the howling infant. "We obviously have a slight predicament in our hands. We will take a vote on what to do with the baby."
"I say we should put it back where it came from," Konan said, her tone even and her gaze focused on Hidan and the child.
"And I say we kill the little fucker!" Hidan grinned evilly and tilted his head. "I'm sure Jashin would even accept a sacrifice this tiny."
Sasori let out a small sigh and combed his fingers through his hair. "Hidan where did you even manage to find such a filthy thing?" He inquired, his tone the same as it always was; even with an edge of finality, but also something that made it sound hollow and haunted. "Are we sure it doesn't have a home?"
"It was just layin' in a basket in the rain," Hidan responded, shaking the baby around a little, earning an even louder howl.
"So it's probably an orphan then," Kisame concluded, crossing his arms over his chest.
"In that case we should kill it," Kakuzu interrupted. "If it doesn't have a home, nobody will miss it. It would just die anyway."
Deidara shifted slightly and though he wouldn't admit it, he was uncomfortable at the way the situation took a turn. "Well we shouldn't kill the thing, ya know? Just because it's an orphan doesn't mean it deserves to die, un," He explained. "Let's put it back where it came from, un"
Pain shook his head. "I don't agree with that. It will live a life of hardship and identity crisis. That is a destiny all orphans know and must live with. It would be better to end the child's life before it can has the ability to remember such pain."
"Ain't you all about knowin' Pain?" Hidan questioned, glaring directly at the Akatsuki leader. He earned a soulless glare in response.
"No, no I agree with Pain-sama," Sasori interjected smoothly. "Not necessarily for the same reasons, but that child's life is without value. Let's put that creature out of it's misery."
Kisame raised an eyebrow. "I think that all of you are being a little harsh. The child hasn't lived long, but what if this child is important? Perhaps it wasn't orphaned. We should see if there's a reward. Besides, just because it's howling in Hidan's face," Jashin's disciple glared straight into Kisame's shark-like eyes. "Doesn't mean it deserves to die. Wouldn't you agree Itachi?"
"I don't see why you're putting this on my shoulders," Itachi said quietly in response.
"If there is a chance of reward we should take it," Kakuzu announced, his attitude changing considerably.
Pain's eyes closed for a long moment before opening again to face Itachi. "It seems we can't come to a general consensus on what exactly we should do with the infant. Itachi, why don't you decide so we can get this over with. It seems the storm is clearing up."
All eyes focused directly on the Uchiha's, causing him to furrow his brow. He knew what he was going to do of course, but there was a certain anxiety that even he felt when each and every set of eyes of the members of a dangerous criminal organization were on him. He walked over to Hidan and took the baby. His red eyes stared at the baby's squinched up, flushed face and felt sorry for it. It hadn't asked to be abandoned, it hadn't asked to be picked up my a murderous psychopath and it certainly didn't ask to be stared at by 8 of the world's most dangerous missing-nin.
Itachi put the baby into a cradle position and gently rocked it. The baby's eyes opened and although it was still sobbing, it calmed down considerably at his touch. He felt an odd sense of pride and warmth develop in his chest. He turned around to face all of the members excluding Hidan who was now behind him. "I'll keep it," He spoke casually as if keeping abandoned children was an everyday activity for him.
"What?" Sasori called out, expressing every single members feelings with a simple word.
Kakuzu crossed his arms over his chest. "That child might have a reward," He warned, staring intensely at Itachi.
"I understand that," The Uchiha recognized. "And I will see if it does. However if it does not, I will keep it."
Pain's rinnegan met Itachi's sharingan with intensity. "I'm not sure what you're doing," He began. "But you've always been a smart young man. I will let you keep the infant if and only if this child does not hinder your ability. First and foremost you are an Akatsuki member searching for the Jinchuriki. Anything extra comes second. Is that understood?"
Itachi nodded, expertly hiding the feeling of surprise he had. No way had he imagined that Pain-sama would be so benevolent. Perhaps what they said about the Gods were true; be a loyal disciple, and ye shall be rewarded.
Kisame made a grimace and jumped down to greet his partner and well... new partner. "Are you serious? Now we have a bratty kid to look after?" he interrogated, poking the small child in the face, earning a small and heartbreaking cry.
"Yes," Was Itachi's reply.
The Shark shook his head. "Don't expect me to watch after it. I'm just gonna pretend it's not there for the most part. I want no part in whatever's going through your head."
Itachi ignored his comrade and gently bounced the now sleeping baby in his arms. His face was bent downwards, making it hard for his partner to see, but Kisame could have sworn he saw the beginning
of what looked to be a smile. "You shall be called baby-chan."
And that was the end of it. Two weeks later and Itachi was ridiculously attached to the small child. He carried it around in a sling that he had somehow made out of an extra cloak. Everywhere Itachi went, so went the baby. Every single need was taken care of my Itachi. Kisame still couldn't believe they had an infant with them. An infant.They were criminals, taking care of a small child.
They had spent the first week with baby-chan searching for a reward. They had even disguised themselves (read; Itachi had to do it. It was hard disguising a super tall shark dude) to walk straight into towns and ask. After that week, it was obvious that there was no reward or search going on for the baby. Baby-chan had come out of nowhere like a blessing from the god's above. Kisame had suggested dropping it off at an orphanage, but by the end of the first week it was apparent that Itachi had grown too attached to the little one to even dream of giving it away.
Of course at times like this, even Itachi was beginning to question himself. Baby-chan had been crying all day and he had done everything to calm the little one down. And of course Kisame just stood there and laughed and made snide comments on motherhood.
"Give me a bottle," The Uchiha commanded, not turning away from the infant.
Kisame didn't move. "Why should I? Aren't you the Mama here?"
Itachi turned around and closed his eyes. When he opened them, his sharingan was staring directly into Kisame's eyes. This was no joke and even Kisame knew his limits. Itachi had gotten to the point of trust with Kisame in which he didn't keep his sharingan, for lack of a better term, on all the time, so when he did have them activated in his presence it was a serious matter.
The Swordsman reached into the pouch (read; baby bag) that Itachi had began to lug around and handed his partner a full battle. The Uchiha grabbed it with greedy hands and picked up the screaming child. Every time he attempted to feed the infant the bottle, the small child would flick it's head away. "Oh my god Baby-chan please just take the bottle," Itachi whispered desperately. He attempted again but to no avail.
"I don't think baby-chan is hungry," Kisame observed earning another glare. He shrugged it off and sat down to look at the tiny human child.
Itachi closed his eyes and tried to focus on his memory. His mother and father had both been Jonin level ninjas and even though his mother was usually off duty to raise her kids, there were times where she still had to do things around town. Sometimes, even though Itachi was 5 when Sasuke was a baby, he had to find a way to take care of his little brother. He was always with family, but he and his mother both knew that Itachi wanted to keep a close eye on the little brother. He attempted to recall advice from his mother.
"Momma, why won't Sasuke stop crying?" A little Itachi asked sadly looking sadly at his screaming baby brother. Itachi gently began patting his little brother's head in an attempt to soothe the small child.
Mikoto Uchiha sighed slightly and put the infant over her shoulder. She made several soft shushes and began bouncing the little one slightly. "Baby's cry when they want or need something," She explained, earning a nod from her oldest. He knew this already. He knew more about baby's than normal 5 year olds probably did. "Baby's cry the most between six to eight weeks old, then they start calming down. Sasuke's going through his 6 week crying spurt. He might also be growing too," Mikoto smiled down at her oldest. "You were a quiet baby but even you had a crying spurt."
Itachi's eyes flew opened and he looked down at the small infant. Baby-chan was much younger than he had originally accounted for. "oh god," He mumbled inaudibly. He searched his brain for answers. What did he need to do? What hadn't he tried yet?
He recalled a memory of his brother being an absolute screaming terror. It got to the point where even his father was just about ready to start screaming. His mother, as he remembered, had also tried everything. And then she whipped out a blanket. Itachi, at his young age, didn't think it could do anything but his mother had worked magic. Almost as soon as he was wrapped up and being cradled in his mother's arms, he began to calm down.
Blanket. Itachi mentally cursed himself. He didn't have a blanket. He had his cloak and the extra cloak he used as a baby sling, but no blanket. He hadn't thought of that. He hadn't thought he'd need much though and boy was he wrong. Parenthood was becoming more of challenge than being in the Akatsuki and that was certainly saying something. He turned around to face his partner. "Blanket," he said simply.
"'What?" Kisame questioned. When he didn't receive a response he elaborate. "Blanket? 'Fraid I don't know what you're talking about."
"We need a blanket," Itachi added on, searching around for a hint of something he could turn into a blanket. His face remained calm and Kisame noted that, other than his little outbursts, his outward demeanor hadn't really changed. He was a good actor.
"I don't have anything," The swordsman said bluntly. Kisame and Itachi traveled especially light. The only thing they really ever carried were there ninja supplies. If they needed anything, they found a way to get it. Things like food were only retrieved on a need basis. Kisame carried his sword and Itachi carried his burdens.
"I didn't think you did," Itachi replied, thinking desperately. An idea came to his head. He might regret it later but for now he needed something. He reached under his cloak and almost within the same second pulled his shirt over his head. Kisame held back a laugh. The Uchiha however, with a strong determination, picked up baby-chan and laid it gently on his shirt. He then wrapped it around the small child like a blanket. The baby was successfully swaddled. Itachi cradled the infant and made shushing noises, just like his mother had all those years ago. With each passing minute, the baby calmed down and was soon asleep.
Kisame watched curiously and raised his eyebrow at the strange sight that now caught his eye. For the first time in their partnership, Itachi was smiling. A genuine, proud, parental kind of smile. The Swordsman himself felt a smirk creep onto his lips. Parenting certainly could change a man.
It was a crazy life the two Akatsuki members were beginning to lead; but it would certainly be an interesting one.
Mama Itachi's WOW (words of wisdom): Don't murder your clan it's a bad idea for your future and for your siblings future.