The Gas Station Song

Driving on the road in the cramped station wagon, Peter and his family were trying, to the best of their ability, to stay awake. They had been driving for the past seventeen hours and had only stopped for the occasional restroom break and lunch; they were hungry, tired and extremely bored. Pulling into the first gas station they could find, Peter, Lois, the kids and Brian crawled out of the car to stretch their legs and breathe.

Walking into the convenience store, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and Brian slowly began to browse, if only to kill time. The loudspeaker was playing "Don't Fear the Reaper" by The Blue Oyster Cult, which was about the only sound that emanated from the entire store, the Griffins and the one part-time employee who worked the counter remaining relatively silent, not because they didn't have anything to say, rather there was no reason to say much of anything.

Browsing through the miscellaneous CD and movie bin, Meg found a copy of Barenaked Ladies, as well as a random CD with a collection of various artists. Turning the collection CD over, she found that the artists included the likes of Journey, AC/DC, and Metallica as well as people like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and Merle Haggard. As she looked over the names and realized that none of them made any sense together, Meg rationalized that whoever made the CD either just like good music, was from the South, or didn't know what they were doing and picked random people; she went with the former. Setting down Barenaked Ladies, Meg, the collection CD in hand, fully intent on purchasing it, if only for the experience, continued to browse, making her way to the food.

Lois and Stewie were by the slushy machines, trying to decide which one to buy, both of them figuring that in order to continue the journey they would need something made of pure sugar. Their choices were sour green apple, blue raspberry, cherry, and orange. Stewie, at seeing the slushies, taking note of their composition, immediately began to compute the probability of slipping a cyanide capsule into Lois' drink without being noticed. It wasn't long until he realized that he did not have a cyanide capsule, leaving all of his tools of matricide at home hidden in his room. Sulking to himself, Stewie resigned to green apple, while Lois took an orange. Their drinks made and seeing that there was nothing else to do, Lois and Stewie made their way to the counter to check out.

Brian made his way to the corner of the room, meandering and taking as long as he would allow himself in order to avoid sitting between Chris and Stewie: the former taking up half of the seat and the later a notorious kicker in his sleep. In the back aisle he noticed a series of magazines. Hopefully glancing through, trying to find something of interest or perhaps a pornography that he hadn't tired, Brian discovered a bent and partially faded magazine called "The Things They Don't Want You to Know". Picking up the magazine and flipping through the pages, Brian noticed that some of them were dog-eared and that some sections were circled, for some reason they had to do with lock-picking and the basics of Kenpo; why this was in a magazine in a gas station Brian had no idea, nor did he care. Shrugging and figuring it would at least get him through some of the quieter moments, as well as picking up a special issue of Doghouse, the choice pornography for the canine community, Brian, literature in hand, casually began whistling to himself trying to be inconspicuous and calmly made his way to the counter, taking his place behind Lois and Stewie.

Chris, who already at the counter to begin with, was staring at the neon signs and the posters on the wall. He recognized a few of the posters from a few old movies that he had seen in his spare time, but of most of them he had never heard of. Mostly however, Chris stared at the part-time employee, if only because he was the most disgusting person he had ever since in his entire life. Dressed in a red shirt and khaki pants, the employee, whose name tag read Craig, had a large lump on the side of his head that covered his right eye; on the other side of his face was a single long and disgusting hair that reached to the bottom of his chin. It was thick and periodically seemed to dance with the small oscillating fan that sat in the upper left corner on the ceiling. His teeth, which were in serious need of brushing, were broken and going in various directions as if he were in the 1800's and hadn't yet heard of toothpaste. Yet despite this, Craig still managed to have a goofy smile that stretched across his face.

It was more disturbing that during the transactions, Lois and Stewie with their drinks, Brian with his literature, and Meg with her music, that not a single word was spoken. It was almost as if both parties knew exactly what was going on, or more accurately, it was so late in the night that all thought of manners and decency had left them, in favor of getting their things, and in the case of Craig, going home for the night. Chris, taking note and sulking, temporarily hating his family for their lack of courtesy leaned over as nonchalantly as he could and tried to think of conversation topics. Looking to his left and seeing one of the counter displays, this one of maps of the area, Chris picked one out and opened it.

"Excuse me" Chris said as he opened the map, "Can you point me to-?"

Peter honked on the horn, cutting him off and sending Lois, Stewie, Brian and Meg out the door. Chris, staring at Craig for one final time and pitying him, gently gave him a slap on shoulder, folded the map and walked out.

Just as they made their way outside and towards the car, a dog-catcher in a white van pulled up in the next space. The Dog-catcher stepped out of his van, in his brown uniform and his catch pole and clipboard in hand and walked to the back of his van and opened the door. He pulled out a cage, in which was a rabid dog. Taking the dog and slipping through the catch pole, the Dog-catcher calmly walked to the edge of the road, pulled out a revolver that he carried with him and shot it in the face, killing it. Chris and Brian stopped for a moment and stared at the body, they then looked at each other and then at the Dog-catcher, wondering why it was that execution of that manner was in order.

"What was that really necessary?" Chris asked as the Dog-catcher reached his van, "You couldn't have done it more humanly?"

The Dog-catcher huffed and shook his head, "Don't tell me how to do my job. State says I execute dangerous animals I execute dangerous animals. Doesn't matter to them how its done, long as its done."

Brian growled at the prospect, instinct telling him to take revenge, but Chris's arm, as well as his half comforting embrace, holding him back.

"Just keep walking before I remember my obligations" Brian threatened.

The Dog-catcher laughed and looked Brian over, apparently sizing him up.

"You'd fit pretty easily in one of my cages boy" The Dog-catcher continued, "Oh yes, you'd fit right in, in jail. Of that I'm sure of."

Brian growled again, this time louder than before wanting to make to sure that the Dog-catcher knew that he wasn't just making idle threats. Chris, as a result, increased his efforts to hold him back, his eyes locked firmly on the revolver that rested on the man's side.

"Just get your van and leave" Chris said calmly, "We don't want any trouble."

The Dog-catcher nodded and flipped out a business card, tossing it to Chris only for it to land on the ground.

"You have any problems with him call me" The Dog-catcher declared as he got in the driver's seat, "I'll put him down for yah, no charge!"

Brian broke away from Chris and charged at the van, which already pulling out of the gas station. Barking his head off and spewing as profanities as he could, Brian did the only thing he could at the moment and flipped the van off. Chris, concerned and slightly disturbed, walked over to the dog and knelt beside him, Brian now leaning over the dead one that had been shot.

"Close its eyes" Chris instructed, staring at the dog and noticing its whites.

Brian shrugged indifferently and shook his head in disgrace.

"Why?" he asked, "What good would it do?"

Chris sighed, he wasn't entirely sure of the answer himself, only that it was the respectful thing to do for the deceased.

"Do it" Chris pressed, placing his hand on Brian's paw and running over the eyes, "There, now it can rest."

Brian nodded in absolution, not really sure of the meaning, especially when it was for a dead animal, a lesser creature. He assumed that it was more for the sake of the living than anything else.

"Thank you Chris" Brian said after a few moments, "It's good know I have someone who can hold me back."

Chris smiled and ruffled the dog's fur before taking his hand and leading them to the car where Lois, Stewie, Meg and Peter were already situated.

"Hurry up guys" Peter said as he leaned his head out the window, "We've burning daylight here."

Chris and Brian looked up and around and noticed that it was still very much in the night hours. Peter groaned, annoyed that he had been taken so literally and pointed behind him.

"Stop being smart and get in!" Peter berated, "Jesus Christ, we move any slower and we've start devolving as a species!"

Brian laughed to himself at the notion, for then technically speaking, he and Peter would be equals in the eyes of society; Peter not being that far of a stretch from most basic forms of life, functioning only through luck and experience rather than actual intelligence, but even then it was a lax luck and half remembered experiences, often resulting in repeat incidents. Brian did not say anything, in the event that he would be left on the side of the road, neither did Chris, who was thinking similar thoughts, for the same reason. Staring at Peter and then at Lois, who was slowly growing impatient, Chris and Brian piled in the car.

Pulling out of the gas station, Peter turned on the radio and upon finding that it was Panic at the Disco, turned it off and put in one of his favorite CDs, a personal mix-tape that he had created in the 1990's simply titled "Awesome Driving Mix Vol. 1". Upon hearing it, the entire car groaned, for this was the hundred and seventy-fifth time that it had crossed their ears and the only one who didn't seem to mind was Peter, who remained oblivious.

"Hey!" Peter shouted, as he looked about the car, "Driver picks, that's the rule."

Lois, the kids and Brian stared at each other for a moment, refusing to believe that Peter had played that old card for if that was the case than Lois should have had a say in music choice for the last hundred miles.

"New rule" They all declared in unison, giving Peter an annoyed and tired stare.

Peter huffed and rolled his eyes. Rather than switch stations again, guessing that he was getting ready to enter a dead zone, Peter simply decided to turn the radio off and drive in silence. This prompted the others to slowly drift into sleep, Lois, Meg and Chris resting their heads on the window; Brian leaning against Chris, for he provided more cushion, and Stewie favoring Meg due to her proximity.