Okay, so Edward is fucking stupid. The whole time I was reading this series I kept asking myself, Is this guy retarded? Does he not know you can have sex in other positions? What a dummy. Also, why the fuck does he sigh so much? Whatever.

If y'all need help picturing Emmett, just imagine the biggest douchebag SoCal frat boy ever, and make him immortal. But he's also the only thing in this whole series that didn't make me want to kill myself, so, there you go.

This talk probably never happened. It so should have though. It would have saved us like 150 pages of fucking snorkeling and shit. I mean, honestly. Bella and Edward probably had the most boring sex ever. Don't give me shit about how they both orgasmed because of how in love they were. Edward probably blew his load in twenty seconds and Bella probably had no idea sex could be any better.

Fuck their lives.

You all are going to hate me.

Yeehaw

I sat reading Chaucer, the light patting of raindrops on the glass window the only immediate noise. I hardly registered the low buzzing of voices, something I had gotten used to in one hundred years. With a melancholy sigh, I turned the page.

Bella, my only true love, was at home with Charlie now. They would probably just be sitting down for dinner, which meant another four or so hours until I could see her again. With another sigh, I looked out at the gray Washington rain. The low fog snaked around the forest that some would call beautiful. I, too, would have seen its beauty, if I had not already seen the most beautiful creature in the entire universe.

"Yo Ed," a deep voice called. I looked up immediately and saw my large brother, Emmett. He wore only cut-off sweats, a bandana, and Nikes. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

I sighed. How did an almost eighty-year old vampire stay so up-to-date with modern linguistics? "Yes, Emmett. What do you need?"

He took a seat across from me on the couch, stretching his massive form over Esme's carefully arranged throw pillows. My eye twitched as his dirty shoe scuffed the embroidery I had worked so hard on. "Alice has been bugging me to talk to you. Well, she's been bugging me and Jasper to talk to you, but Jasper wasn't down, so I'm doing it."

I pursed my lips. "What about?"

"Well Ed," Emmett said, looking me in the eye. "I know you're kind of an old-fashioned guy, and your wedding is coming up. You know what that means." He winked, and my nostrils flared in agitation. "So I thought I'd give you some advice."

"Whatever crude tips you have for me, I'd rather not here," I snapped, turning back to my book.

"Nah, Ed. Don't be like that. It's just some stuff that may not have crossed your mind. I know you're a virgin and all, and I have much experience with the ladies, plus Rose, so I thought you'd appreciate some advice." He sniffed in mock agitation. "Apparently not."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, Emmett. Please, do share."

He seemed to brighten. "Well, first off, I know you're probably wondering what sex is like." It was true, I was mildly curious, but not enough to ever endanger my love. Emmett looked me in the eye. "Dude, it's fucking awesome."

Of course, Emmett had to be crude. He continued. "But you got to let loose. And yeah, I get you can't do that with Bella, on account of her being all breakable and stuff, but there are things you can for sure do that'll keep her safe."

I looked at him quizzically, my interest finally piqued. I had no care for any brothel-like behavior, but anything to keep my Bella safe was worth it. "Such as?" I asked.

"Well, there's other stuff you can do to get her off. Like, your fingers and stuff. You get me? Plus there's stuff you can do with your mouth. It gets pretty complicated, but--"

"Emmett!" I roared, slamming my book closed. "How dare you speak of Bella in such a way! To imply she would want anything so unpure to be performed on her, it makes me ill. Now, if you'll excuse me."

"Aww, Ed," he said. "I'm sorry dude. I'm just trying to lay some stuff out. She can do the same to you. It's fucking awesome--" He broke off mid-sentence as he took in my reaction. "Okay, moving on."

"I think I've heard enough, really." I stood up to leave.

Emmett started to stand, too. "Please, Edward. Two more minutes. I just want to help you out, bro. You don't have to follow any of my advice, but it's good to have." He made a good point. With an exasperated sigh, I sat again.

He continued. "Okay, so sex. Basically, it sounds easy, but sometimes it's hard to find Slot V to put your Part P in."

"I know the basics of sexual education, Emmett. I have done my research." I did. I spent countless hours studying biology books, even though it made me feel terribly dirty.

"Oh." He seemed slightly surprised I wasn't completely ignorant. I had to admit, it hurt my pride slightly. "Well, then you know about other positions and stuff, right?"

"Positions?" I couldn't remember anything about positions in the AP Anatomy book I borrowed from the Forks library.

"Postions," he repeated. "You know, like missionary, cow girl, doggy, butterfly."

I furrowed my brow. "I'm sorry Emmett, but you've lost me."

Emmett let out a long, hearty laugh. "Dude, are you fucking kidding me? Like, I knew you were a super virgin and shit but really?" he laughed, holding his stomach. I rolled my eyes.

After a few moments, he calmed down long enough to explain. "So missionary is like, the basic. You're on top, she's on the bottom. I don't recommend it for your situation though. You're trying not to hurt her, which'll be hard when you're right on top."

I hadn't really thought of that. "And... cowgirl?" I asked.

"Yeah dude. This shit rocks. The girl's ontop, so you can see her tits... er, her breasts and stuff. You just lay back and she does the work, riding you. Get it? Riding? Cowgirl?"

"Yeehaw," I said sourly. I had to admit, though, he did make a good point, although I really wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the rest.

"And doggy... Doggy is the shit, bro--"

"Thank you, Emmett, but I believe I've heard enough." I rose out of my chair. "Thank you, though. You've helped me in your particular... way."

"Anytime, bro," he said, smiling.