Lethologica
by Nyx
A/N: Lethologica means the state of not remembering the right word to use; of not being able to express yourself in words.
*
and you say it's not me
and I know it's not me
and I'm told it's not me
and I hope it's not me
and I feel it's not me
but still
but still
*
Was I the person who frightened the world into not even speaking my name? Was I him, somehow?
I don't know.
If I was, I don't remember it. I have this awful feeling inside me, a premonition, that it was; you tell me that it was a different person, but I know that I did it. I feel a strange familiarity within me that cannot be denied. The actions are so repulsive, but the scenes pull on my heartstrings - I hum with delight as I see the pictures, as though I enjoy looking at them.
And then I come to myself, and I shut my mouth quickly, or sometimes retch dryly into my lap. I could not have done this. It's impossible. But then I could not feel what I do when seeing the photographs of the dead people, lying on the ground.
Some are untouched, their bodies cold and still but otherwise perfect; others, grotesquely slashed in patterns that I understand. Here is the rune for "Dark," here, the rune for "King," here, the rune for "Kill." I wonder if my hand made these cuts. I wonder if my skin tasted the crimson blood that must have splashed over the perpetrator's robes and face.
I wonder if it tasted good to me.
It is as if I am being torn two ways, one the way that I believe is right and one the way my instincts tell me to go. I am in a state of utter lethologica: I cannot explain the deep feelings, the primal urges, that tell me that I am the killer - but there they are. Feelings, not words, not actions. Only feelings. Feelings that will not come out until I can express them without harming others.
You say, What?
But I can't explain it to you. If I could - if I did, I would be taken away, and I don't deserve that. I know better than I used to, than the man who killed so many did.
I reply, Sorry. Lethologica.
*finis*
A/N: This was a strange little vingette.
Sequels: Nyx does not do sequels.