Authors note: Yay, my 2nd post s4 fic :) There will be a 2nd chapter from Dean's POV and maybe one from Bobbys!!
Thank you to Erytha for reading it over for me!
There are tons of mistakes in here, so I'm sorry for that
I hope you like :)
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realised that there's a stranger inside.
Sam sat on the bed, staring blankly at his hands but not really seeing anything. He could still feel the heat, still feel the pure evil that had been right in front of them before they'd managed to escape and make it to Bobby's panic room. He could see Bobby and Dean in the corner of his eye, watching him like he was going to freak out something. They didn't know how right they were. Obviously his addiction wasn't just going to go away. Yeah, Addiction. He knew that now. Over the past year, Sam had just been deluding himself. But really Ruby – no – he had poisoned himself. He'd fallen so deep that he didn't know if he could make it back again. He was in pain...he needed the blood. But he hated himself for it and he wasn't going to do that to Dean, not again. He could take the pain, he could take it. He had to. His hands started to tremble slightly but he steadied it quickly. Lucifer was out. He was here...on earth. Because of him...all because of him and his stupidity, his selfishness...Dean's stupid deal. Not that he'd blamed Dean for anything. It's just that if he was still dead...if Dean hadn't brought him back none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be the chosen one, or the special one or whoever the hell he was.
Sam hadn't spoken a word since Dean had managed to drag him away from the convent. He didn't know what to say...sorry wasn't enough; it'd never be enough where Dean was concerned. He didn't even know if Dean still saw them as brothers right now...and he knew that he should probably give Dean more credit but after the voicemail and the fight that they'd had Sam honestly didn't know. The whole thing was still a little surreal to him. It was as if he'd been sleeping for a whole year and he'd only just woken up. He'd been deluding himself, he knew that now. It was funny because he'd always been logical, always known that revenge would only leave you even more messed up than you were the first place but he'd still gone after it the way his Dad had gone after yellow eyes. Huh. He was still vaguely aware of Dean and Bobby watching him as they spoke in hushed tones as he pulled out his cell phone. Sam didn't really know why he was still dwelling on the voicemail. Or well he did. It'd been that something that'd pushed him completely to the dark side. Just hearing the person he loved the most say those things had made him careless. He'd genuinely believed that his life wouldn't be worth living if he didn't do it and he and Dean just didn't talk. And yeah he'd been angry at Dean for calling him a monster and being...honest.
Sam spaced out as he played the message over and over in his head along with what Dean had said right after their fight, 'If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back'. Monster...monster. MONSTER. Sam wanted to cover his ears and block it out but it was true...that's what he was. He just needed to know. Needed to know if Dean had meant it or not. He turned to see that Bobby and Dean were just openly watching him now and he took his chance. He held out the phone and Dean took it from him as his eyes filled up with confusion. Sam turned away from him almost immediately but Dean came to stand in front of him, though there was still a reasonable amount of space between him and Sam was glad. He didn't know how they could bear to be around him right now. Not when he'd screwed up everything they'd been working so hard for.
The room was so quiet that Sam heard it when Dean pushed the button to play the message. Sam looked up and watched Dean's face as he listened to the message. It went from surprised to confused and then straight onto anger. The red, fiery kind of anger. He started to say something but Sam tuned it out. The pain was getting stronger. Random images were flashing in his mind and he couldn't block them out, he had to sit there and take it. The need for demon blood was almost crippling him but he wasn't going to give in. He was brought out of his thoughts by Dean yelling angrily,
"Those sons of bitches, I'm gonna kill 'em" he shouted. Sam heard Bobby say,
"Dean, look at Sam...just calm down son, how do you think he's feeling" and Dean just mumbled something. But Sam didn't want to talk, he couldn't.
It had to be you, Sam. Why? Why did it have to be him? Why? Why couldn't anyone answer his question? Dean came over and sat next to him and Sam couldn't hide his flinch. You're nothing to me. Monster. MONSTER. Over and over he heard Dean's voice in his head and it just wouldn't go away.
"Sam?" Dean whispered suddenly, and Sam shook his head mentally as he realised that Dean was talking to him, "say something…we just want to know if you're-" Dean stopped abruptly and made a motion with his hand that assumed meant 'know if you're okay'. No, he wanted to scream. No, I'm not okay…I just started the damn apocalypse what kind of fucking question is that? But he didn't…couldn't. He just had to shut everything out. It's not what you're doing it's who you are! And just like that the pain was back, his whole body started to shake and he couldn't stop it.
"D-Did you mean it..." he stammered as the pain hit him square in the chest, he didn't even know where it was coming from he could just feel it everywhere.
"Sam that message…it wasn't me" Dean said calmly and Sam froze. What wasn't him? He didn't mean to say it or he couldn't remember? Huh?
"W-Wha-What do you m-mean?" he managed to say as he bit his bottom lip so hard that he could taste his blood. And damn, that wasn't something that he wanted to be doing. Not right now.
"Yeah, I called you, I called to say I was sorry and that you were still my brother…that we were still brothers and that I owed you a serious beat down" Dean finished off with a quick smile that didn't quite meet his eyes and Sam could only just stare at him. It's means that you're a monster. You don't know me, you never did, never will. But Dean did know him…and he was a monster.
He said I had to save you and that if I couldn't; I'd have to kill you. This is what Dad had been talking about…Dean hadn't saved him. If you're not careful then one of these days you will have to waste me. Sucking blood? You gotta know that's wrong. I can feel it inside me Ruby, I've changed.
I'm not mad, Sam…I'm just tired. I don't care. So what's the big demon problem? You are, this is for your own good. Make my death mean something. After all, how can you run from what's inside you. You turned yourself into a freak. What are you waiting for? Kill her! Sam couldn't even make out the different voices anymore, he just wanted them to stop. He wanted everything to stop he wanted the pain to go away. His Dad had been right, Dean had to kill him.
"I can't be here" he whispered and Dean just sighed warily.
"It's not safe outside, Sam…Lu- we don't know out's there" he said just as quietly and something in Sam's mind snapped. Lucifer…he'd let him out. He'd brought about the end of the world. And all he wanted to do was to take the cowards way out. But he couldn't stay here…not while he needed demon blood just to survive.
"That's not what I meant," he replied and from the cold look on Dean's face he knew that Dean understood. He could see Dean trying not to be angry with him but that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Dean to be mad at him, he wanted Dean to give him a 'serious beat down' because he deserved it, and he deserved everything.
"Just…shut up" Dean said coldly, ignoring the warning look that Bobby was giving him. They thought that he'd go crazy again and try and break out. But Sam was tired. He had been for a long time. Killing Lilith had been one thing, but the aftermath was a hell of a lot more than he'd realised it would be.
"You were right you know," Sam said in a sad tone, "It wasn't what I was doing…it's what I am…I'm a monster" Dean opened his mouth to say something but Sam continued,
"I'm worse than Dad…he's was obsessed with getting revenge, it made him bitter, spiteful but when it came to saving you…he was there…even though he went the wrong way about it he was there…I.." he paused as his voice broke, before continuing in an even tone, "I tried to kill you…I refused to let you stand in my way…you were only doing what Dad told you to do…you were trying to save me…" Dean didn't say anything to that for a very long time and the room was eerily silent.
"I'm sorry," Sam said and turned away and put his head in his hands. The voices would be back soon, he knew they would.
You did it…it was a little touch and go at first but you did it..
you opened the door. And now he's free at last…he's free at last. It wasn't just voices this time…he could see everything, it was crystal clear. Lilith was lying on the floor, blood running from underneath her to form some sort of symbol? It formed a sort of round shape and then several other 'lines' of blood started to crawl towards the centre of shape. They were moving so slowly that Sam could feel that something sinister was about to happen. It had happened. He hadn't stopped it…he'd started it. No…Sam shook his head, it wasn't supposed to be this way. He wasn't supposed to open the door. He was-
"Sam!" Dean yelled suddenly and Sam opened his eyes, he hadn't even realised that they were closed, "It's not your fault, Sam…you didn't know" Sam wanted to laugh and say that it didn't matter – he's still let Lucifer free but he couldn't. It hurt too much and mostly he was just tired. Tired of being here, tired of having to work out who he was.
"I'm sorry, "he said again not even realising that he'd said it moments before. Dean sighed wearily and ran a hand threw his hair and Sam hated himself even more for what he was putting Dean threw…and Bobby too. He looked up suddenly, where was Bobby?
"Where's Bobby?" he asked and Dean looked away from him guiltily, "Dean"
"We're only trying to help you, Sam…you're hurting and I don't…we don't know what else to do, how else we can help you…" Dean said quietly. Demon blood. They thought that d- that it would him help him. Maybe they were trying to poison him too. Sam shook his head, they wouldn't do that. He'd put them through so much but he knew that they wouldn't do that. He didn't deserve them. But he didn't want it, he could fight this without it, right? He said this to Dean and Dean just looked at him. Dean's eyes were full of sadness and disappointment. But Sam knew that Dean was disappointed with himself and no one else. And that just made the pain even worse. He didn't know who he was anymore, what he was…but Dean was still here. He'd always been here.
See, you can love me for who I am
Or hate me for who you think I am
But the old me is dead and gone
hH